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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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Hmmm still debating whether I should workout today... hnmmmm maybe I should just rest but I know for sure ill be eating a lot again tonight lol.
 
It's funny how opiates have this way of finding me. I was on my way to work today when I hear someone shout my name, it turns out to be one of my old "friends" that I isolated myself from when I got clean. He offers me a ride and I figure I might as well, we havent talked in a year or two so surely he's not going to bring up drugs. WRONG, as soon as we reach my work place his pulls out a HUGE stash of my old DOC and starts talking about giving me a deal on wholesale prices. He insists on giving me his number which I promptly placed in the dumpster. I suppose God smiled upon me today as I just happened to leave my debit card at home, if I had it with me there's every chance in the world I would have hit the atm and relapsed big time. By the end of the night I was seriously considering digging through the dumpster to find dudes number. This type of shit happens about once a month. What's a recovering addict to do in a small town that's overrun with dealers and users?
 
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What's the point of a store listing hours on their door and not actually operating based on those time figures? Argh.
 
I can't believe I've done heroin. I can't believe that after all those years sober and drug free.... I end up being a heroin addict. I know how it all happened, but it's still sometimes so unreal to think, to know, that I am actually a heroin addict. I get clean, I relapse, and then the cycle always repeats itself. I can stay sober for a few months, but then dope comes out of nowhere and of course I'm not going to turn it down. I have turned it down... but after it was thrown in my face over and over... it got too hard to just say fuck it anyway. I mean, hey, I was having a bad day anyways so I mine as well say fuck it and do heroin. I hate how my mind always thinks like that and then I end up relapsing. I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm actually worried... I should stop, but I've gotten to the point where I really don't care sometimes. I don't care if I live or die. Life is just way to hard for me and full of worries that I don't care if I lose my life to hard drugs or anything for that matter. The only reason I'm still here is because of my sister and a few other loved ones. Fuck.... I don't want to cause them pain, but I'm worried that with all these stupid choices I'm making that I'm going to fuck up one day. I wish I could go back to being a major pothead and that was that.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
^ don't beat yourself up for slipping up girl. You got this.
Click to expand...

I always keep slipping though and I really don't have it anymore. I would be doing dope 24/7 right now if I wasn't worried about having money to pay for rent. I also have a lot going on and am super depressed. So this depression mixing in with this relapse is asking for something bad to happen.
 
^ you're a really strong person and I think you can do it.

It doesn't matter how many times you slip up or fall down; you just get up and dust yourself off. :)

If you need help, don't forget your "help, I've fallen and I cannot get up!" Button. =D
 
Seriously though - you got this. If you can get clean once - you can do it again.

Is there anything on your mind you want to talk about?
 
xstayfadedx said:
I can stay sober for a few months, but then dope comes out of nowhere and of course I'm not going to turn it down. I have turned it down...
Click to expand...

Hey, there is worse. You could have had an opioid in your blood consistently for three years, and 5 before that 2 weeks on 2 off.

You just relapse. Man I wish I could even get to the point that it would be considered a relapse!

I totally get the feeling. How the FUCK did I get here from buying 10-15 norcos at a time? Well I know how, and the multiple driving factors that got me here. But those factors are gone, and now I'm just dependent on a drug. I would rather just not have WDs over getting high. Or would I? Fucking shit really makes it easy to lie to yourself about everything from it making you a bad person, to it not being harmful to continue.

And why should I worry? it is pharmaceutical grade, not tar?

And where did I end up? Tar. That's a did, I don't do that shit because I don't IV anything (anymore....), and I can't stand the smell/tasteeeee ickkkkkkkkk.


Captain.Heroin said:
Seriously though - you got this. If you can get clean once - you can do it again.

Is there anything on your mind you want to talk about?
Click to expand...

You have now quit opioids chronically, right? I believe I remember you saying that? What opioid did you start with (Tylenol 1 Vs. H) and how did it end (H cold turkey Vs. or done/bupe taper)?
 
I kind of don't want to go back "home" anymore. I'll just pay my rent for December and then my lease is up in January.... kind of over living in Pennsylvania and the people who live there. I just want to be by myself and associate with a select few of people.
 
Oh ROXIanne! said:
It's funny how opiates have this way of finding me. I was on my way to work today when I hear someone shout my name, it turns out to be one of my old "friends" that I isolated myself from when I got clean. He offers me a ride and I figure I might as well, we havent talked in a year or two so surely he's not going to bring up drugs. WRONG, as soon as we reach my work place his pulls out a HUGE stash of my old DOC and starts talking about giving me a deal on wholesale prices. He insists on giving me his number which I promptly placed in the dumpster. I suppose God smiled upon me today as I just happened to leave my debit card at home, if I had it with me there's every chance in the world I would have hit the atm and relapsed big time. By the end of the night I was seriously considering digging through the dumpster to find dudes number. This type of shit happens about once a month. What's a recovering addict to do in a small town that's overrun with dealers and users?
Click to expand...

Well done on not relapsing. That must have been hatd. I suggest you don't accept the lift next time to keep yourself safe from that situation. You did not dig out his number, you said no you threw it away.

I suggest you look at the 'never sick' thread n join that for support.

Take care,
Evey x
 
xstayfadedx said:
I can't believe I've done heroin. I can't believe that after all those years sober and drug free.... I end up being a heroin addict. I know how it all happened, but it's still sometimes so unreal to think, to know, that I am actually a heroin addict. I get clean, I relapse, and then the cycle always repeats itself. I can stay sober for a few months, but then dope comes out of nowhere and of course I'm not going to turn it down. I have turned it down... but after it was thrown in my face over and over... it got too hard to just say fuck it anyway. I mean, hey, I was having a bad day anyways so I mine as well say fuck it and do heroin. I hate how my mind always thinks like that and then I end up relapsing. I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm actually worried... I should stop, but I've gotten to the point where I really don't care sometimes. I don't care if I live or die. Life is just way to hard for me and full of worries that I don't care if I lose my life to hard drugs or anything for that matter. The only reason I'm still here is because of my sister and a few other loved ones. Fuck.... I don't want to cause them pain, but I'm worried that with all these stupid choices I'm making that I'm going to fuck up one day. I wish I could go back to being a major pothead and that was that.
Click to expand...

As CH says, you can do this n please stop beating yourself up. This is difficult, of course it is or there'd be no need for support sites n so forth. We are here for you, to listen n help you through it. Try not to focus on 'what you have become' but on 'what you AIM to be once you've beat H. Take it step by step n focus on small achievements that you've made as opposed to things that you've done wrong. You've made the best decision for YOU by choosing to get clean.
All the best,
Evey x
 
Eveleivibe said:
As CH says, you can do this n please stop beating yourself up. This is difficult, of course it is or there'd be no need for support sites n so forth. We are here for you, to listen n help you through it. Try not to focus on 'what you have become' but on 'what you AIM to be once you've beat H. Take it step by step n focus on small achievements that you've made as opposed to things that you've done wrong. You've made the best decision for YOU by choosing to get clean.
All the best,
Evey x
Click to expand...

Great advice; we're all here to be shoulders to lean upon. Use the 'Contact Me' link in my signature literally whenever you feel the need to.

In fact, how about right now?

I hope I get something...
My very best.

~ Vaya
 
nothing fucking works and at the same time i feel completely emotionless
nothing gets me angry as it should and i feel completely flat, like im emotionally dead or something. fuck this shit


now I just sent my employment agency my details and ID from the wrong email, I think the only way this could get any worse was if i actually died
 
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I've been suicidal since my early teens and made two failed attempts at 12 and 14 (I'm now in my early/mid 20s). I'm still suicidal now but I can't do it. I come from a pretty bad home and suffered various abuse from my family, we were brought up poor by a single parent (My mum) and the stress of everything meant the abuse often fell on me being the only male in the family and also the youngest. In spite of this, I can't be angry. I can't admit what my mother did was wrong even though people always tell me it is, I'm too empathetic and feel she struggles so much as a parent and even now with just me and her living together, she still suffers from massive depression and all my life I have had to deal with suicide threats and attempts from her. If I were to storm out or call her out on it, I would only make her feel like more of a failure. I have tried for as long as I can remember to make her happy but it never ever works and it makes me feel like a failure every time. Failure for me is not an option and I was never allowed to show signs of weakness so writing this all out and admitting something is wrong is very difficult for me. I still receive abuse regularly, though not as frequently as when I was a teen. I am still not allowed to shows signs of weakness or dissatisfaction so if I break down I have to do so in hiding else she will attempt suicide again. I feel emotionally blackmailed and trapped in life, recently I've been getting very dark thoughts and anxiety attacks and I haven't touched any drugs in nearly 6 months.

Sorry...I don't know if this is a rant or a vent or a whatever, I have no support network and no 'experts' I can tell. I always keep this hidden from me and nobody who knows me has had a clue this has been going on. I just need to say it, I've never been allowed to have an outburst like this outside of my own mind. Thanks.
 
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