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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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I don't need friends, family, or a significant other. Hell, I don't even need myself. I just need one thing in the world that makes everything alright, that makes me so beautifully emotionally numb, so euphoric, so happy, so carefree. I don't want to go deeper down the hole but I feel that it's the only way to be happy with myself and my choices.
 
I refuse to live without N3o. ...And if it comes to that. ...Well, I already made my point.


fuck. alll. of. this.

:|


I have beyond give up. Bluelight has just been so close to my life, so tough Ihtought I might as well throw a wrose or two in.
 
Why have you given up on everything? You need to start there, where the care for everything internal died before you can go after anything external. I'm sorry, Dex.<3
 
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Today was the day my CPS (or DCFS depending on where you are) case was "supposed" to close (read: end of drug tests). It didn't. I texted my close friend after court and sent the usual post-court message: "Everything is the same." Her response in terrible English: "That's not so bad news."

So I can't return to marijuana yet. I can cool the desire for 90 days and re-evaluate whether I want that life. I have been reaching out to many kinds of people and letting them know I have this desire. Honestly I'm terrified to return to pot. It held me tight for so long.

"In an interview with George Harrison... he traveled to California in the 1970's during the flower power movement. He said he was shocked by what he saw there. He took the Marijuana plant and put it under a microscope and saw that it was shaped like a rope and it looked like chains. Why would I want to smoke something like that he said. It will imprison me and keep me caught. "
 
I fucking HATE ur always on ur forums, fb,or whatevr.. I'm not going to tell you to get off but shit.. Makes me sad.
 
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Cohesion said:
Today was the day my CPS (or DCFS depending on where you are) case was "supposed" to close (read: end of drug tests). It didn't. I texted my close friend after court and sent the usual post-court message: "Everything is the same." Her response in terrible English: "That's not so bad news."

So I can't return to marijuana yet. I can cool the desire for 90 days and re-evaluate whether I want that life. I have been reaching out to many kinds of people and letting them know I have this desire. Honestly I'm terrified to return to pot. It held me tight for so long.
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I don't know where you are located, but in the southern state I am in DFCS is the most incompetent governmental organization I have ever come across, I have dealt with social security, the IRS, the DoD, I have even had to deal with FBI on a couple occasions.

Never has there been a more useless organization that fails to accomplish their mission in any sort of reasonable time frame, or even accomplish it at all.

I have seen the organization harassing good parents (for years now!) who were targeted after a vendetta with neighbors led to a false accusation. My brother deals with them on a monthly basis, and there is regularly a 90 min+ phone queue and if you are lucky enough to get someone on the phone, just hope they don't disconnect the call once you ask your question.

tl;dr: Good luck dealing with CPS. In some states they are am absolutely intolerable organization and I hope you have better luck with them in the future.
 
At this point the whole case is just laughable. I'm over it. My mind was blown too many times. It will all be closed in March.

It's the most screwed up organization in the states. Some caseworkers are truly trying to help people, but there are too many hands in the case that it can't run smoothly, and often not in the best interest of the child, nor close in any reasonable amount of time.
 
arghhh, i cannot stand people who chose to backstab and don't have enough integrity to say whatever to your face. if there's a friggin' problem, stand up and say it to my face.
i do not have the time, energy, or desire to deal w/ assholes who lack character, maturity, and the balls to say what they think directly instead of playing childish dipshit games.
-izzy
 
I feel so alone tonight I wish I could spend it with someone who really matters and someone who really cares about me but I dont have anyone like that and people who do are just too afraid to show it to me, just to know im most important to somebody. The loneliness really hurts.
 
badfish45 said:
I feel so alone tonight I wish I could spend it with someone who really matters and someone who really cares about me but I dont have anyone like that and people who do are just too afraid to show it to me, just to know im most important to somebody. The loneliness really hurts.
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Nights like these will serve as a great point of contrast when that company does arrive. It's a matter of when not if.
 
I haven't been doing particularly well lately. This is obviously all relative; I am light years ahead of where I was during the peak of my addictive behaviors. I am working a plan to get off the drugs I remain on.

I tripped recently, as psychedelics have also been a valuable tool for me; both in terms of personal growth and simply just enjoying life. The purpose of this particular trip was self-analysis and trying to determine *why* do I have this deep craving for drugs inside me? It isn't even one particular drug, I just can't fucking tolerate "normal" consciousness. Now, I realize that I have done a lot of damage and caused a lot of changes in my brain because of long term drug abuse. I logically understand it is normal for me to not enjoy "normal" consciousness because I have been dependent on drugs for so long I have altered my brain chemistry to depend on external chemicals for any kind of peace. I mean, you just can't take drugs every day for years and years on end and expect peaches and roses when you decide to get sober again.

But I digress; the trip I took recently didn't give me any spectacular insights as I was hoping it may but during my day of self analysis I realized that I have a deep empty pit inside me and I have no idea what to fill it with. I had a decent childhood and was always well cared for but I have craved drugs ever since DARE class in grade 6 and the DARE cop first mentioned LSD and seeing pink elephents. I thought that was pretty fucking awesome, and it all went down hill from there.

The pit can't be filled with drugs, trust me I have tried. I don't believe the pit can be filled with "God" as I already have a solid spiritual basis in my life. I have been in true love, and yet I was still never content.

I feel like if I could just identify what it is that I *truly* crave that makes me act out in impulsive, erratic, and self destructive tendencies I would be in a much better position to achieve sobriety, let alone maintain it for any real duration.

I recognize now this pit has always been here but I've never understood it in the terms I do now. I also notice how it has effected other areas of my life; I will not get in a serious relationship with a girl because I have a record of destroying every I touch, and I have also been absolutely against the idea of having a kid even when my SO wanted me to. I wonder now if part of the reason I don't want children is part of me fears (or even knows?) that I will never be able to fill this insatiable emptiness inside me and it is highly likely I will either die or be incarcerated in the process of doing something related to drugs to try to fill this void within myself.
 
Wow, that is heavy, nervousone. Maybe you are a failed (repressed) artist (I don't believe in failure) and your neuroses stem from a very wild thing inside you that you locked up too long ago to remember. The true 'normal' of this world are the most psychotic, maybe you just reside on the brink. I know that I do. This 'polysubstance' abuse is nothing more than wanting out of a reality you never decided to ascribe yourself to, I know that it's not so much that I can't get enough drugs as much as I want them all, in a dispenser, when I want them, how I want them, I want to tune up and tune down and tweak it to the right.

Sometimes, it is just that we need to know the answer lies within us. The emptiness is the place of resistance where you have blocked the gates each time something raw and wild threatened to spill thru; artists do a rough job trying to do their life's work and keep their innards inside. You ARE God. Everything is light. There's no 'normal' consciousness, because we're just a bunch of vibrations on different frequencies, ascribing to a hypnotic chant that says' yes, we are all seeing the same thing'. No, we are not... don't lose hope. Humanity is just on the cusp.. (and this is just a ride... and you're just in a dream :P )
 
^What a great post. I especially like this:
The emptiness is the place of resistance where you have blocked the gates each time something raw and wild threatened to spill thru;
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Nervousone, have you every read In The realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Maté? I think you would like it.
 
Thanks for the post memorytremory. Much of it resonates deeply within me. I plan to respond in further detail later but I'm in the middle of withdrawal right now and I want my thoughts to be a bit more coherent.

I haven't checked out Hungry Ghosts but I will look into it now, thanks.

Honestly I feel a bit better just getting some of these thoughts of my chest.


EDIT: Just bought In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. Looks like a good read.
 
This is fucking horrible.

I'm going to have a full out panic attack very VERY quickly. I don't even have any benzos because I can't get them until January. I feel like I'm going to die. I haven't had a panic attack in years because I've always had benzos to turn to...now I don't have any
 
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