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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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michael said:
i am reminded tody that i used to work with a doofus, who when he learned i was going to perú in april, asked me if i was going to visit any ancient mayo ruins. he found the mayos totally fascinating. he asked me a zillion questions about the mayos.

goddamn, what a freakin' doofus.
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Well, today on NPR, Science friday no less, Ira Flato (sp?) asked the "expert" . "So, what happened to the Mayans?" 8(

The expert answered, "Well, there are over 7 million Mayans living their lives today in several countries so it is a bit insulting to ask why their civilization disappeared."
 
ugh, i feel like a goddamned idiot. i only self harm when i'm drunk now. i shouldn't drink. but i need my meds upped and i have weeks to wait. what i need is etizolam but i have to spend all money on clothing. shit. at least it wasn't bad....it really actually wasn't too bad at all. i just feel bad b/c this is just further illustration of my need to find a different chemical than alcohol because it just regresses me. and i can't be goddamn 'cutting' at my age. fuck.
 
^Was just gonna say that. I hate Christmas. It's made out to be some wonderful time of year where everyone has fun and every single time it's a letdown. Had a crap couple of days as usual and now I don't know what to do with myself. Unattainable drugs would be nice right now. Ugh.
 
Pagey said:
^Was just gonna say that. I hate Christmas. It's made out to be some wonderful time of year where everyone has fun and every single time it's a letdown. Had a crap couple of days as usual and now I don't know what to do with myself. Unattainable drugs would be nice right now. Ugh.
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its still xmas here and its only gotten worse!!! now i am soooo depressed! fuck xmas seriously i am not even really christian

and scrolling through my facebook profile has only worsened the situation! everyone is so goddamn happy wtf!!!

and i would love to be all fucked up right now but of course i am still just trying to be good.... i dont know how any of this baby stuff is gonna work out
 
^^ they say people who use Facebook are more depressed because they see everyone else's "good times" since everyone only posts the "good times" on there. I hate reading it too. I ain't Christian either. I'm a lavey satanist so I celebrate then solstices and equinoxes. I'm a spiritual person so I can find something I'm grateful for everyday.
 
^^^ thats a big reason i like bluelight i can be completely honest about how i am feeling! on facebook its like there is this unspoken agreement only to post how awesome your life is! its completely false....

you know even though i am actually happy about my pregnancy i never did the whole facebook announcement! but its all over bl lol
and i obv told my close friends and family but facebook is kinda wierd i dunno! but i still like checking it for some reason and playing words with friends
 
i apologize for double posting... but i am really dissapointed with my bf right now! he got drunk and went god knows where and left me alone on xmas.... it makes me sad... and i worry about my whole situation.... i am scared to stay with him and scared to leave him.... i love him so much sometimes but then he does stuff like this and i dont know what to think!

but i dont know if i can do this all by myself.... and i wish my parents hadnt moved to colorado.... its not home for me... and now i have no roots anywhere
 
I use Facebook to stay in contact with people I couldn't otherwise such as friends overseas. I use it for communication pretty much and that's it.
 
^ its also nice because its kinda of like having the storage "cloud" for pics before those even existed
 
So I just woke up in the worst way ever.... I'm staying over my moms friend's apartment and I woke up to the upstairs neighbor beating the living shit out of his girlfriend. The sound of him throwing her to the floor sounded like someone was falling down the stairs. There was a lot of tumbling and I could literally hear him beating her as she cried. She would run to one part of the house and he would chase her calling her words like "scum" and other shit I won't post on here.... the worst thing is I just sat here scared shitless and I feel terrible...
 
my stupid work screwed up my direct deposit, meaning i did not get paid last week. blarg. and the stupid insurance company owes me still, too. double blarg.
 
As I sit here, there's nothing I want to say, but I feel the need to say something, even with the knowledge of how futile this is, how worthless these words are.

It's 3pm on NYE, and I could count the times I've left the house this month on one hand..
I'd probably be able to do something tonight, but I don't want to.
It's so normal, I should be used to this dissonance. I want to do something, I want to not do something, I don't want anything.

It doesn't matter what I say next, for I've lost the desire to keep going
Everything is so fuckingfsadklhsklahdkls;ahdlhad

I am so lonely, but I don't want to talk to anyone.
I need love, yet I feel no craving.
I'm stuck in limbo, constantly bouncing between uncertain and diminished desires, unable to attain any sort of certainty or extremity.

I want a connection, I want to connect, but I don't.
I want someone to love, but I don't want anyone.

I know it would be stupid of me to take away from so many possible-
I am nothing. I am just a giant ball of potential.
There is so much potential, but at the moment, it is nothing.
I'm not aware of the potential itself, just of it's existence.

I should just go for it already. This existence is worthless right now, yet I know it can be worth keeping in the future.
Fuck. I am just-
I can't fucking handle this any more.
I am so sick of this hurt.
 
My mom fell on the ice yesterday and I laughed.... I later fell on my ass in heels because the floor was wet and I was at a party but this guy helped me up. Luckily no one saw me well besides him, still though.... karma is a bitch
 
All these people reminiscing about the 'great moments of 2012' are pissing me off.
2012 was an absolutely horrible year for me. I can't think of one good thing that stands out but I can think of a billion things that made me miserable. I can't hope enough never to have another year like this one.
And to think exactly one year ago I thought everything was fine.
All this reminiscing is just making me realize how absolutely miserable I am now.
A year ago I'd had a boyfriend for two years, a ton of friends, awesome grades, my grandfather was alive, my mom hadn't tried to kill herself, my dad had calmed down his abusive shit, they hadn't tried to divorce yet, I hadn't been raped, I wasn't too much into drugs yet, I'd never even consider trying to commit suicide, let alone twice...
Screw this new year shit and screw the prospects 2013 is showing and which don't look any more promising.
 
Folks im posting here coz im over it... im not in a good place due for holidays tomorrow now i gone and cut myself up.... I fucking hate myself for getting this way though im feeling borderline suicidal, I'm holding off till i go see my kid for the holidays.... got suspision that the ex will boot out of town b4 i get there which is fucked... as i pais all expences for the last 12 yrs havnt asked for help coz i know i wont get it... so here I am. Sorry if im violating TDS ruls im just really hurt been cutting and need someone to say something...anything that will help calm me and stop me from getting a sharper object... sorry folks i'm just in a bad place atm and cant find a way out.
 
Fuck I wish I was online before S.M.F.G, it sucks feeling like you have nobody- you do. Just stop, think about your kids, the good things in life which make it work living. Self harming is a release but it's short lived and then the fucking scars never fade :( I'm sorry if I'm talking shit, just wanted to say pm me if you ever want to talk/ vent.

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I just wanted to say, fuck the prescription the doc has put me on is strong.. Especially the anti psychotics. It did help so much stop the manic bipolar state I was in last week, but shit I never thought I'd get to this point. :/ I hate being physically and mentally drug dependent. I feel so zombie brain dead on my prescription it's hard to post/ do anything which is frustrating as hell as when I first woke up I felt good.. then take my meds and feel weirtd/ htpggu as fuck.
 
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