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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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I was a daily using heroin addict for over 11 years but I have now not used any heroin at all since August 31st this year.
Now what pisses me off is I like to consider myself clean of heroin but people tell me that because I am using prescribed Methadone that I am not really clean.
Fuck them though, I know how far I have come to get to this point. So what if I am using Methadone,I'm not using Heroin and that's all that counts in my book.
 
^Dude that's huge. Screw them if they can't see how big of an achievement this is. Congrats on getting clean off heroin - because you are!
 
maxalfie said:
I was a daily using heroin addict for over 11 years but I have now not used any heroin at all since August 31st this year.
Now what pisses me off is I like to consider myself clean of heroin but people tell me that because I am using prescribed Methadone that I am not really clean.
Fuck them though, I know how far I have come to get to this point. So what if I am using Methadone,I'm not using Heroin and that's all that counts in my book.
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I fully agree its completely diff esp as long as your not using amounts large enough to get you high (which prob isnt possible for you) and i went through the same thing when i quit dope but didnt get much credit because i was on suboxone
dont listen to the haters your doing great
 
Thanks you guys, it means a lot to me your words. I only take 40ml methadone daily which isn't much at all. I know of some people who are on over 100ml a day.
So yes I am going to carry on considering myself to be clean regardless of what others may say.
Sometimes I think its just because they want me stuck in their house all day doing gear or working out how to get some, they just don't like to see people moving on with their lives.
 
^ if you are around peope who dont want you to succeed you may need to try and change that (i know its not always easy)
but i found the same attitude of your not clean if your on suboxone/methadone maintenance in the recovery world too which was quite discouraging at times
 
Fuck.

I felt so much love for you. I thought I'd found someone I could grow close to, be close to. I cared so much.
All I've been doing is thinking of you in this wretched state, and I am assailed by everything going on.
I don't know where all this pain came from.
I don't know what happened.

I didn't feel so lonely. I didn't feel isolated. I didn't feel as disjointed. Things weren't so desolate. Things had worth, significance.

Now it's all vacuous.
Now it's all ruined by hurt.

It's probably a good thing.
I'm not even ready to be, and the sickest part of it was the affect you had on that.
I'm sorry to have put all of this on you.

Be good to yourself.
You are amazing.
 
maxalfie said:
I was a daily using heroin addict for over 11 years but I have now not used any heroin at all since August 31st this year.
Now what pisses me off is I like to consider myself clean of heroin but people tell me that because I am using prescribed Methadone that I am not really clean.
Fuck them though, I know how far I have come to get to this point. So what if I am using Methadone,I'm not using Heroin and that's all that counts in my book.
Click to expand...

Damn right! Use your indignation as a source of strength. People on the outside of an experience (addiction, parenthood, grief to name a disparate few) cannot know the reality of experience and will often make ignorant remarks that carry all sorts of judgement. Strengthening yourself from the inside to know that in this case only your opinion counts for you will help you stay strong and carry you forward. When people say hurtful things to me I think, "You are lucky to have the ignorance that allows you to say such a thing." Not caring what others think in their ignorance of a situation is a huge step into an easier life.<3
 
I organized my birthday party a few days after I'll be coming home to Paris for Christmas, I was really looking forward to it cuz I'll be seeing all my old really good friends and stuff. Now one of my supposed 'friends' organized his party the evening RIGHT before mine even though he knows damn well when mine is since he's invited. And lots of people are now telling me they won't be able to go to both so they won't make it to mine, since his is before.
I'm so pissed off. That was such a low move.

Also I'm so fucking stressed out about classes, I'm never gonna get all this work done I'm gonna fail my degree etc etc etc.
 
This hurt, pain, is me. I cannot love this.
This time, opportunity, it just is. I cannot value this.
This choice, consequence, is real. I am not certain.


-
It occurs to me that this is all there is. This very moment, is everything.
All future moments are based upon this very moment, though the future is not certain.
Predetermined by everything we've ever done, this very interaction will have a tremendous, yet trivial influence on the entirety of everything.. and you know how stupid and pointless this post is! ;)


Anyway, as I was saying, this has occurred to me before, but I never realised what that meant.
I've always known how little I value my time, the moment, the opportunity, all of it really. I've been aware of how worthless things were.
It never dropped though, that this is all there is. For as long as I live, I am going to be within this mind.
I know I should love myself. I know I should value more. I wish I cared more, but I don't.
How can I change when I don't want it?
Is it worth keeping?
 
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i just emailed an advisor at my school about the possibility of an extension.....
and all i feel is guilty .... i really want to just finish these projects on time.... i feel like i am using my pregnancy as an excuse....
but i feel like i really cant think at all.... but i know other preg women work full time jobs and complete graduate degrees while they are pregnant...
and i cant finish a measly few film classes?.... i am soooo goddamn close its so frustrating.

ps. i know i keep posting about this.... but i am still stressed about it and getting nowhere....
 
tackyspiral said:
i just emailed an advisor at my school about the possibility of an extension.....
and all i feel is guilty .... i really want to just finish these projects on time.... i feel like i am using my pregnancy as an excuse....
but i feel like i really cant think at all.... but i know other preg women work full time jobs and complete graduate degrees while they are pregnant...
and i cant finish a measly few film classes?.... i am soooo goddamn close its so frustrating.

ps. i know i keep posting about this.... but i am still stressed about it and getting nowhere....
Click to expand...

not every pregnant lady has ADD
 
tackyspiral said:
i just emailed an advisor at my school about the possibility of an extension.....
and all i feel is guilty .... i really want to just finish these projects on time.... i feel like i am using my pregnancy as an excuse....
but i feel like i really cant think at all.... but i know other preg women work full time jobs and complete graduate degrees while they are pregnant...
and i cant finish a measly few film classes?.... i am soooo goddamn close its so frustrating.

ps. i know i keep posting about this.... but i am still stressed about it and getting nowhere....
Click to expand...

Get a therapist to help you out with having ADD. They'll help you out on multiple fronts of the ADD war, so that you can start winning a battle here and there (like getting your projects completed! ;)) and eventually you'll have won the war against ADD. %)
 
Why the fuck can US network TV show people being killed, minor gore and sexual references( none of which im against btw) but you absolutely can not drop in a swear word. It just makes me so angry that producers need to sidestep around this stupid rules which becomes quite obvious in shows. Surely all of the violence, death and killing is going to mess up a child alot more than a swear word
 
I'm fairly angry at a banking institution that decided to charge me an overdraft fee when I had a positive balance in my account. I quite frankly wanted to beat the living hell out of someone over that but I decided to let it go and to close out my account, as that would be the responsible thing to do.
 
^ lol thanks

i woke up this morning to several dreams involving loading up syringes with a light brown substance ...... i no likey them :(.... i think they happening cuz i be stressed
 
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