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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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KiwiQflyer said:
Feeling done. Just come to the realization that I gave up sometime last year and have even managed to fool myself in the last year. I tried new things, went new places, met new people, made future plans...and when I recently realized that I failed at all of my future plans, I also realized it's because I half assed the attempts at accomplishing them. Not intentionally. I worked my ass off....yet I don't think I ever really thought they'd work out. I just want to go back home...not that home actually makes me happy. In fact, I'm almost certain home won't make me happier at all but will solidify the feeling that I'm worn out and done trying. Here and there I'm still pretending to make future plans to go out west, push myself through it all and come out on the other side...but if I'm to be perfectly honest with myself I just don't have any desire to do that anymore. I can't think of one single thing that would make me happy and motivated...so basically I just want to get home to my warm bed, be around people I know...and give up completely. I feel so drained and so resigned. I'll still tell myself and others that I'm trying for my goals again next year, lesson learned, bump in the road blah blah blah...but to be honest I don't even see another year out of this. I'm not sure why I feel like I have to get home so desparately but for some reason I feel like that's the only way to get the ball rolling to the end and I'm sick of hanging in limbo. I don't have specific plans...I just have this ominous feeling that within the next year I'm just going to disappear. And I don't care.
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There are many paths to fulfillment and far from many are straight. If you can enjoy yourself along the way that would be a privilege.

As for me, I'm grinding right now over something a person at an aftercare program for my rehab said to me. From the start, he was giving me a condescending attitude about how I've relapsed w/ booze twice: "This is like a revolving door for you, blah, blah, blah." Then, as we were casually talking before things started he made some comment about how at least I'm not dressing like a junkie anymore (what he meant is I'm not dressing as overtly punk as I usually do). Yeah, I'm not wearing a leather jacket b/c it is 95 fucking degrees out. Ostensibly, he turned it into if I dress like that then I don't really want to be sober. What the fuck kind of thing is that to say to a guy? Not talking to that guy again.
 
Does anyone feel like their life is worthless?
Does anyone experience a phenomenon that they aren't aware of in language, but may hold the symbol of?
And if one felt it, without the symbol, using language to try to convey something that isn't understood.
Yet there is cognizance, even if the active experience of it is perpetually ephemeral, although it is vastly longer lasting than alterations from such.
But oh boy, why do I ask any of it?
For the answer, or in rhetoric, is irrelevant.
I just don't care. I don't have any genuine interest,
I don't have any dedication, and my attachment is ill-founded and irrational.. It's irresistible, but lacks any resistance. It's like a subconscious cacoethes, affecting almost everything you're conscious of.

And I don't even know why I'm writing this.
I don't care what comes of it. I don't care who reads it, or what comes of it.
There is really no point in me doing this, yet here I am about it hit reply.
 
Trying to remain optimistic. This past week has been a little rough, been having more ups and downs than usual. Hanging in there though. Mostly trying to keep my drug usage to a minimum and keeping my mind off this girl I've been obsessed with in the past few months. I mostly feel shame, almost pathetic for having such feelings for a person who is so clearly playing me. For awhile I simply refused to accept my gut instincts that she had no emotional feelings for me, which in turn kept me coming back and getting hurt more and more. Slowly I'm accepting, but getting over this initial hump is difficult. She contacts me fairly often, and hangs out with the same group of friends as me. It's frustrating because to be totally honest I don't have many friends I feel comfortable being around, so when I'm trying to avoid her I often find myself alienating myself from the world, which simply leaves me time to get lost in my own thoughts, which in turns makes me just want to use substances.

Despite all this, I've been hanging in there. I've been working again, 2 days a week, which isn't much but it gives me $119 in cash a week straight into my pocket, and keeps me focused on something positive. I just wish I had more things to occupy my mind with, more positive things. I find myself just sitting around my house doing nothing more often than not. I want to go outside and be with friends, but more often than not I just don't know what to do with them except get high or party.

Hanging in there. Staying positive, as much as I can. Hoping tomorrow is a good day, hoping tomorrow is one step closer to being truly happy with myself. I know the time will come again, this is merely a down in life's cycle of emotions, but for now I just sit and wait, waiting for it to get better.
 
One of my long time friends killed himself two nights ago. He wasn't a drug user, only drank here and there. He was having a hard time, but I didn't realize how much he was hurting. I thought things were getting better. It's really taken me by surprise.

As more people find out about it, more people have been contacting me to see how I'm doing and to find out any details since I had been good friends with him and had kept in contact. I'm not good at breaking the news to people and I don't feel like I'm handling it that great.

It doesn't actually change anything from my day to day life, but I feel hurt.

I also feel very guilty. He had wanted to go out to get a few drinks a couple of weeks ago, but I sort of blew him off because I was dope sick. I hadn't gone out with him the night before that because I was too busy getting high. :\ :( I generally isolate myself when I'm actively using because my personality is different and I'm just not as much fun. I'm much more serious and I don't laugh or joke around as much. Since I had been using a lot lately I hadn't really seen him much. He moved up to Mass recently to start a new job and I didn't see him before he left. I was going to call him this week to make sure we were still cool and to let him know that I was sorry we didn't hang out, that it was my fault because I was using again and isolating myself. I was hoping to tell him this and to maybe make plans to come up and visit him once he got settled. Now I'll never get the chance to tell him or to apologize.

I'm now plagued by the thought that maybe he wouldn't have done it if I had hung out with him more or seen him that last time. Maybe he felt that he didn't even have his supposedly good friends by his side anymore? Maybe he would have called me before he killed himself? Maybe he wouldn't have felt so lonely or in so much pain if I hadn't blown him off before he left? I feel horrible about this.

I wish I had talked to him. I wish he had known that I felt bad that we didn't hang out. Wish he knew that I did care and I did value our friendship, Instead I feel like he died thinking I didn't care about him anymore.


RIP Terry

You were a great friend, a great athlete, and a great person. I was lucky to have known you. <3 I hope you finally found peace <3
 
I just feel like I subconsciously destroy the lives of people around me. I don't mean to, but it just happens, especially when someone gets too close..
When people get too close to me, my superficiality wears away, and I just cannot stand them. I can't stand anyone getting into my bubble, and when they do, they are driven away by who I really am. I do long for someone to stay, deep deep down, however deep I am. It will never happen, though.
 
stop fucking putting me down so much. you're suppose to love me. seems like you're only with me for my looks. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. why am i with you if you fuckin make me feel like shit.
 
I've been getting a few texts and calls w/ VMs from my good friend who was my next door neighbor of the apartment I lived in after my freshman year at college. I don't know why I'm ignoring him. First I was shooting up heroin a handful of days ago, so I said to myself that I'd hit him back up later. That never happened. He called me a few days later and left a message. For some reason I choose to ignore it even though I wasn't doing shit. Then today while my phone was dead I saw he tried calling again. I gotta get some of my shit together man, or I'm gonna fall back into where I was last year, which is no good. I know kinda what I want, and I know what it will take for me to finally be actually happy again, but as long as I put it off nothing is going to change. I guess tomorrow I really need to get my ass in gear.
 
I'm so sick of being treated either like I'm worth nothing, or like I'm a horrible ungrateful person. It's like I'm supposed to deal with being put down at every second, for being called stupid, for being told my parents are ashamed of me, that my brother is so much better and that no one even gives a shit what I plan on doing with my life because I'm such an obvious failure anyway. i'I'm supposed to listen to it and be submissive, say nothing, keep it in and not reply, but if once I can't take it anymore and I explode it's because I'm a horrible person and I can't be thankful for what my parents have given me. I'm sick of being treated like I'm inferior all the time.
 
Irritated.

I have an order for 6 grams of Methoxetamine in the mail. It was technically suppose to arrive today, however I tracked the package like I always do and it's failed to update past the "Arrived at Post Office" point, which leads me to believe it missed the truck for delivery. All this means is I have to wait till tomorrow to receive my order. I'm just irritated because to be quite frank, I wanted to get fucked up today with a few friends. I've been stuck inside my house for the past 3 days, doing absolutely nothing but feeling sick from some bug I caught.

Now I'm sitting around with my thumb up my ass, no money...no idea what to do with myself. I'm going to bed early tonight, just so tomorrow will come a little sooner. I just want to get fucked up!

----

It's funny, no matter how much I inevitably and knowingly put myself through due to the actions and choices I make, I can't help but continue doing what I'm doing. Whether good or bad, knowingly or unknowingly, despite wishing it would all end, I can't help but love it, for better or worse. Till death do us part, life.
 
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almost every impulse, addiction, habit, or want i had/have was a means to distract me from myself. once i had to face and then found myself, that is when those those dependencies began to mean less.
 
I am screaming in the middle of many rooms hoping it will be audible enough for someone to hear, and yet if a man tells me something kind, gentle, and with rare sweet sincerity, I either completely detach, have a panic attack, and/or break down and cry. I seldom cry, but I seldom know what to do with a man being sweet to me for the sake of meaning it.
 
i feel so guilty, the neighbor i told not bum cigs from me anymore, was just getting fussed at by "A2", for smoking all the cigarettes as i walked by!

_________
some of us missed out on our childhood, and the remaining inner-child can become triggered and confused by the present situation.
 
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