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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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i am mired in a worker's comp situation. the insurance company has been on me to use a different pharmacy for a while now because the one i generally use is sort of expensive, but it has the added benefit of being in the same building as my doctor's office. because the insurance company is comprised of a bunch of assholes who's main goal in life seems to be to make me jump through hoops for them, my scripts now require the adjuster to approve them after i try to fill them. the adjuster is never in his office, so i end up paying out of pocket and being reimbursed, whether through a pharmacy refund or through my lawyer (meaning a $20 script now costs them upwards of $500 - ever wonder what the hell is wrong with this country?).

anyway, so i go to use the pharmacy they want me to, and my baclofen script costs $69 there instead of the $18 it costs at the supposedly more expensive pharmacy. what a crock of shit.
 
^I've had good luck with just substituting different flavored seltzer waters for soda.

It looks like I'm going to have to cut back my hours at work to part time. They changed their policies (of course without letting anyone know) and aren't allowing people to work 10 hour shifts unless they start before 8 am or end their shift after midnight. I'm a slave to the bus schedule and this just won't work for me unfortunately. Overall, this might be a good thing as I'll have more time to look for a new job that I actually like, but I'm worried about going without health insurance. :\
 
^Spork, I hope you get something even better, I am in a similar situation with regard work so I empathise with you hun. Please keep your spirit up with regard to getting what deserve workwise, know you have put alot into helping yourself and I admire you to no end for that. <3


I am so fucked up from being invalidated by certain members of -my family. I want to move on but I just cant seem to sever the ties and emotional bullshit adequatley. They only give a shit about the outcomes and think I should just behave how they want me to- im too old for that. Im not perfect and am NEVER willing to play that part for them EVER again-I try to be as reasonable as I can, given the circumstances If they dont see me as I am and respect me as a human fucking being, I am not willing to accept that as ok- being with them carries this huge fucking weight that I cannot defend myself against emotionally, as their ego games are always rigged.
Part of forgiving is acknowledging that they can go fuck themselves in their tightly bound fascism disguised as functionality! Im sick of having to take on all the emotional responsibility of a fucking narcissist who refuses to accept that she cant control everything.
She will never control me again. I'l take constructive criticism for my flaws but wont tolerate being scapegoated.:(:X
 
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^ That sounds like a very positive manifesto to print up and look at before any family gatherings. I created a "family" of friends over the years, moving far away from my own family very early on. Now I am closer to my family members than ever but it took moving several thousand miles away.:)

Spork, good luck with the job hunt.<3
 
Ugh, thought I finally had my benzo addiction under control, then I get up, check my email. Message from ex, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Fuck, I still think I love her, but for now, I'm just going to take some more xanax, hopefully get the mail before anyone else, get my 6-apb and my 270 K-pins. Maybe actually run to the library and get more books, so I can just leave the world for a couple of days. Jesus, it's days like this that make me wish that I just stayed home in the first place.
 
I really had a tough day at work, it is wrecks my nerves that there are dozens of problems to solve but I don't know how to start. All the departments I have to work with are positive on the surface but will undoubtedly show me up if I show weakness. And how can I as a student stand my ground against well-established heads of the surgical departments? Plus I'm alone here, I have no friends or acquaintances here outside of work. I'm under a lot of pressure, but the real problem is I lack an outlet for it. A few hours ago I was on the verge of going to the supermarket, buying a six pack of beer and say "fuck it" for tonight. I didn't do it. Pressure creates diamonds I guess. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Hopefully Nietzsche was right :p
 
Fuck always being miserable, fuck trying to hide it from everyone, fuck trying my hardest to get through everyday and night and fuck having absolutely nothing in my life! So yeah fuckit all.
 
xstayfadedx said:
I can't believe I am homeless again with my mother. It's always one thing after another and I'm so sick and tired of it. I just want a stable life. I mean I'm never one to complain but my life is so fucked at the moment and I don't know what I have done to deserve this... years of hell. I'm just so surprised that I'm still here, everyone is especially after they hear about everything I've been through. I just don't want to quit now, even though I think I should but if I've put up with all this bullshit for almost 19 years then I mine as well keep going. It's just I'm so tired and drained. I feel as if I'm losing the ability to hold on but I have to. I have to hold on because of the people I love and care about. I don't want to be selfish even though I could easily just overdose on heroin right now... the thought has been in the back of my mind. However like I said before I see no point in ending my life cause its not as if I can lose anything more than I already have... I've lost sooo much important shit to me, even all me pets that killed me and still does. I only have some clothes, my phone and bank card. Yeah, nothing else. So whatever. I can just live on the street if it comes down to it.
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Wow being homeless with your mom, that sucks, It has been one thing after another here so I know of what you are feeling I have been taking care of mom for at least 4 years now she had to come and live with us and now she is totally sick with stage 3 kidney disease, so I have to do most things for her, she was there for me when I was young, having a child young I dont know what I would of done with out her, and now I take care of here like she did to me. Some days are better then others, some days she forgets where she is or what day is it and her mood swings are what is killing me We argue every day, I have to argue for sport she has taught me that now that is what my days are fulled of . X you are still here because YOU have BEEN through allot of shit and you have gotten through it by doing what you do, I know how you feel, and I love the fact that you DONT want to quit that is what keeps us alive!! You are a survivor just like me we do what we have to get by no matter what it is , money, home, bills I have to figure that out in this house for Everybody, I mean its nice to have a man with a job but we have been together for 20 years now so he knows that is his job he makes the money and i deal it out. And I love the fact that you have to hold on for the people you love and care about same here, its weird you sound like me, I know the drained and the tired more like exhausted these days for me and I live with physical pain ontop of all that bullshit. I want to wish you good luck keep your head up, hold on to that wonderful heart that you have, and keep on being there for your mom you need her and she needs you that is what I have figured out in taking care of mom these last years she is 75 this year so I dont know how long she will last with this fucking disease eating her kidneys away if she stays at stage 3 for a while i can deal with it, i know she will get worse and die. We will cross that bridge when I get to it. So ~Much Love~ to you and ~Peace~
 
this is difficult, my family and who i know now they can not believe me about the past few years, with my family i worry because they switch in this denial mode, their posture and body language changes immediately, they glaze over at the mention of anything to do with it. it is clear why from an outside 3rd party perspective, and will admit at times how they choose not to fully let me in because of the past, and keep me as impersonal and infrequent as possible to avoid being hurt again and this is a lot of possible hurt, that if were my imagination would not be real. they cannot accept it, and are still in shock that carries over into their daily lives. twice i had spoken to mental health professionals about meeting with us but they later didnt want to.

living through that pain and sick for 5 years is going to take the rest of my life to process, and there are still plenty of serious problems, but i changed enough to feel perfectly content, beyond content, and happy anywhere at any moment as i would anywhere else at anytime, which could be problematic, but for them to hear that from me is another part of the lie, as everything was else in the first place.
 
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Sick of relapsing. Sick of rehabs.Sick of twelve step programs, even though they have saved my life over the years and seem to be the only thing that keeps me clean.Sick of people telling me my relationship isn't going to work as we are two addicts trying to get recovery.Sick of seeing the disappointment in my family's eyes. Pissed off with doing on Facebook and seeing old schoolfriends leading seemingly perfect lives, or at least lives that are better than mine with marriages, babies, money, decent jobs. Fucked off with being bipolar and taking shitty medication which makes me tired and wreck my metabolism so that i put on weight. for no real reason
 
Well I'm back,
And from what it seems I'll be trying to post in TDS more.
So today is my 2month-iversarry with my boyfriend and I can't help but feel like somethings not right.
He's 20, I'm 17, he's used to older men buying him whatever he wants (sugar daddy's aka). His last boyfriend was 40.
I just don't know What to do. He's great but I feel like he's my best friend, not boyfriend.
I'll kiss him on the nose, call him beautiful, tell him how happy he Mames me, always try and hold his hand. Yet I don't feel like he returns the feelings, like he takes me for granted.
I don't know, it's frustrating. I think I love him, he's beautiful in every way to me, but not getting those feelings back, feeling like I'm being taken for granted, it's just painful.
We haven't broken up and he hasn't even mentioned it but i just don't know.
Maybe my expectation of relationships is too high. Maybe I'm not seeing a flaw in my emotions toward him.

//rant
///for now ;)
 
due to unforseen circumstances relating to working with a sociopath douchebag, i have been transferred to a different location.

i get less hours, my commute is 6 times as long. he gets to continue to be an asshole. this is what happens when you have ineffective management.

i have been pretty stressed out by this, which just ups my pain level (i am a chronic pain patient).
 
I need drugs, I'm nothing without them.

This possibly sounds like an exaggeration, but it's the truth. For most of my life I have been entirely sober but for the last few years I have been very unhappy, that is, until I started using drugs. Drugs helped me acquire a new way of experiencing life and a new way of enjoying my shitty existence. I feel so loved and I feel so much love for those around me when I'm high, I feel so full of life. When I began using heroin, I didn't feel afraid of the drug, I finally felt complete and I wondered why I never did it before.

Since then, I've suffered major depressive episodes and general feelings of hopelessness. Admittedly, the drugs haven't made my life any easier when the melancholy set in. In fact, they made the lows a lot worse. I thought I was making the right decision when I started on antidepressants as I had hit a low point and they gave me almost-instant relief. But I feel so numb and empty now, life is very dull to me. I rarely want to take drugs knowing how miserable they've made me, but when I do I find I don't get the same high off them anymore. A few nights ago I had perhaps my favourite drug of all - Tramadol - but it did very little for me. I miss that feeling of euphoria so much, I feel like the antidepressants are destroying me.

Now I know that nobody needs drugs to function, and in an ideal world, we'd all be satisfied with sobriety. But the mundane aspects of life terrify me, as does the prospect of connecting with other people on a deeper level. Without the antidepressants, I felt nothing but bitterness towards those around me. I felt as though everyone had let me down and that I couldn't trust those who were closest to me, including my immediate family. I wanted to inflict pain on others, I thought about killing myself so that they would have to suffer the guilt of failing me. I was pretty messed up.

Then I began the SSRI, and although I became more tolerant of others, the fear of emotional intimacy remains and I don't feel particularly loved. But when I took drugs I felt so much love for everyone and I was so appreciative of life. It scares me to think I'll probably never feel that way again.
 
Didnt know where else to post but i thought it ok here.... Jus lettin every1 know im still here im stuck in a shit place right now and have little access to the net, ive lost half my shit and havnt been leaving my room unless i absolutly have to, basicly shits running downhill for me right now... I'm hopin this new therapist will b better to talk to but atm i basicly just existing which is a absolute mindfuck.. Im out need to shut down and fuck offf back to shitsville.
 
Feeling done. Just come to the realization that I gave up sometime last year and have even managed to fool myself in the last year. I tried new things, went new places, met new people, made future plans...and when I recently realized that I failed at all of my future plans, I also realized it's because I half assed the attempts at accomplishing them. Not intentionally. I worked my ass off....yet I don't think I ever really thought they'd work out. I just want to go back home...not that home actually makes me happy. In fact, I'm almost certain home won't make me happier at all but will solidify the feeling that I'm worn out and done trying. Here and there I'm still pretending to make future plans to go out west, push myself through it all and come out on the other side...but if I'm to be perfectly honest with myself I just don't have any desire to do that anymore. I can't think of one single thing that would make me happy and motivated...so basically I just want to get home to my warm bed, be around people I know...and give up completely. I feel so drained and so resigned. I'll still tell myself and others that I'm trying for my goals again next year, lesson learned, bump in the road blah blah blah...but to be honest I don't even see another year out of this. I'm not sure why I feel like I have to get home so desparately but for some reason I feel like that's the only way to get the ball rolling to the end and I'm sick of hanging in limbo. I don't have specific plans...I just have this ominous feeling that within the next year I'm just going to disappear. And I don't care.
 
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