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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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toothpastedog said:
I was thinking about what your posted and my jumbled response for a bit when I was taking a long walk just now. I'd like to get a little more into, if you don't mind (and of course feel free to shoot me a pm/email as opposed to posting it you'd like to keep it private). Anyways, here are some questions:



1) Whom are you referring to? Depending on who they are, such as a loved one or family member or long time close friend, you absolutely should be able to believe and rely upon such people! There is a major problem with them or something funny going on if they deceive and/or manipulate you...



2) This is just a comment: For those of us who's trust has been abused, I don't think it is all that odd or unatural for us to behave so. Then again, even if we were justified in not trusting people, that should be taken as a sign that something is (or was or has been) up that needs to be addressed. So it can be put behind us and we can move on with out lives, I mean, in a content/happy, fulfilled and constructive as possible way.



3) Comment again: Even if you stopped trusting people, you'd end up living a pretty sad life. Yea, there wouldn't be the chance of your trust being abused, but it would essentially mean you would have to become a hermit or completely isolate yourself socially, and we certainly all know where isolating one's self can lead...



4) Comment: Yea, as I said, you might avoid being hurt in this one way, but you'd end up hurting in a lot of different ways, due to your isolation and lack of truly human contact and relationships I mean.



Logically, yes and no, as I've described. I think your subconscious, or whatever, is actually 100% right in not making it easy to stop trusting everyone. Because you know you need to have relationships with other people, at least if you want to live like a human in any sense (and, again, as we all know, humans are social animals, and do not exist anywhere completely alone). Trust, and one's ability to believe what others say, are one of the building blocks of society and humanity.



Can you elaborate? I totally hear you, but I'm interested to hear what you want. As in, whom is it that is lying/deceiving you and in what ways do they do so, and you allow them to do so? Although it would be equally foolish to place the blame for the hurt that other's abuse of your trust can bring on yourself, we must never forget that, as I've said before, it takes two to tango. And furthermore, ignorance can certainly be bliss, especially in this case, but it's not very practical and only effective in the short term... it will just allow your problems to become worse and more difficult to address. It'd be a shame to see such a beautiful life go more or less to waste. That's way over-dramatic, but, again, you know what I mean... And you know me, drama queen that I am :p

Of course, you need to take care of and protect yourself. If someone lies to you, then you should and need to do something about it. The question, though, is what? That depends on who has abused your trust, your relationship to them (as in if you can ditch them or you/they need to work on rebuilding trust), etc. etc. This is why I ask the question @ 1) that I did.

hehe, you can see my question/numbering system kind of broke down there ;)...

Glad you're feeling a bit better!!!!

^SideOrderOfOpiates: I will be 25 on the 24th of this month. Although I'm not doing too bad, as lot of what you said resonates with me. It's kind of hard to think of myself, trying to establish myself with my writing, working pathetic (given my education and ability) jobs trying to get by and often feeling rather isolated and miserably so (it's hard making new friends in San Diego given I've never lived here before), while I see my best friend getting the job of her dreams and my other close friends (whom I keep in touch with, which is few, like we're talking three or four people) succeeding in grad school, etc. etc. whereas I hated law school so much I ended up forfeiting a juicy scholarship and dropping out after the first year... Life can be a bitch, as they say... Still though, given where I'm at, I don't have many places to go in life but UP!
Click to expand...


Thank you TPD..you're the best.<3
 
Stuck in those thought loops once again. A constant cycle of drug use, and emotion desires. In retrospect, it all seems rather silly, but I can't help but feel this way. It's as though I have no control over my emotions or how I feel anymore. I want to feel happy, I want to feel good about myself but something always brings me down.

I went to a party last night. Went expecting to have a great time, but ended up doing almost a gram of Ketamine cause I felt lost and out of place. When I arrived, I was feeling good, but quickly I felt alone in that huge crowd, something I rarely ever feel at a party. I was looking for her, no where to be found. Was I not worth the attention? Continued to go into the bathroom and do bumps of Ketamine throughout the night. Couldn't even do Poi properly, I was so unfocused. I quickly had no desire to be there anymore. I felt so much anger at some points, that just gave people blank menacing stares. Strangers would try to make conversation with me, but all I'd do is stare and give them a look of "I don't give a fuck".

I couldn't help but feel, the entire night my friends would see me and think "There he goes, negative vibes...let's find someone else to chill with". I was this ball of negativity. And why? Cause of jealousy? Cause of anger? I'm not even too sure why I was angry. Was I expecting something that didn't end up happening? I wanted attention, I craved affection. But it was so obvious, from the moment we walked into that venue, that I was the last thing you were going to give attention to. What happened? It's like you are a totally different person sometimes. You don't even look me in the eyes sometimes. You wouldn't even had said goodbye if I didn't come up to you and give you a hug before you ran off. Is this guy really that much more deserving of your attention? He's a friend of mine, but fuck it...I don't like him anymore. I put on this fake friendship, awkward conversations cause I feel it's needed to keep the peace, but really I couldn't give a fuck about him, all because he is ahead of me in this stupid game of winning your affection.

So, I simply kept doing Ketamine. Went through almost a gram. Not once did I find what I was looking for, I just wanted more, and more. Sulking, negativity...fuck is wrong with me sometimes? It's these exact reasons nobody will help sometimes, cause who wants to deal with somebody else's negativity? I do! If I care about the person. So is it wrong of me to wish for somebody to give me the same help I give to them? Is it so unreasonable? Perhaps I just expect way to much of people. I shouldn't expect anything, really.

Fuck! I just don't get you. Some days it's like you really care. Others it's like nothing ever happened between us. What am I doing wrong here? How the fuck do I win in this situation? Is it not even possible? Am I just giving myself false hope like I always do? I wish you'd be clear, and straight up tell me. I can't deal with this shit anymore. Fuck...
 
I'm ultimately a failure. I offer no benefit to society or to the community. I am not an important person. I am a nobody. I have nothing to offer and I have very little value.


Please do not respond to this
 
Man i feel ok right now with nothing but 2mg lorazepam and 60mg codeine/like idk 6.25?X6 mg of promethazine..im not high by any means but it really took the edge off this LAME 4th of july with NO FIREWORKS because its a drought...
Fuck this tommorow morning im gonna shoot my .45 1911 off the porch at 5am, to pay tribute to this great country...

Im out of L-pam till saturday and should get a new script for Cod/prometh on the 6th...bastards make it hard for me to feel normal.

OH and yea i just want to 2nd what ol Carl Landrover said...sad as it seems it doesnt realy matter to me
 
I am pissed because on of my friends has an abusive B.F. I seen the bruises on her cause well, we where being a bit intimate (No sex, just petting, but she had only bra and boxers on) but whatever, I seen the bruises and asked her, and she told me it was her BF, and told me that she trusts me enough to tell me but not to tell anyone else,

FUCK, I hate this. It made me,the meaniest cruliest unforgiving mother fucker in god's cruel kingdom, cry. I don't like this,I don't want to see my friend abused. She made me promise not tell anyone or not do anything about it. (Cause I can too...I am endowed with some authority myself)

It's a hard place to be. I want to either call it in, or grab someone, jump in my suburban, and kick ass and bring him in ourselves. But she would be upset and I don't want to upset her.

It really cuts thru my heart to know she is being hurt like that. I fucking hate the world because it has people like her BF that want not only do violence, but do it to someone weaker then them and who they claim to love.

Why not come try it on me you fucking asshole? Come on, stop hitting her, come hit me, I'll make it easy for ya! I'll drive by while on I'm shift!
 
Rangrz..
you can't do anything..
it's on her to make up her mind to leave..
and if she trusts you to tell you the truth about
what's going on in her life..
then value that..
because you have no idea how difficult it can be..
to tell anyone something like that.
if she chose you to trust..then prove you're trustworthy.
don't try to fix her or save her..
be there for her...that's what she needs.
 
I feel as though I will never be able to truly maintain a relationship with another human being ever again. This makes me feel like a shell of a woman, and I'm really, really not fond of it.
 
A hedonist with no will to attain pleasure

A nihilist who holds onto meaningless notions

Humanitarianism with misanthropic tendencies

Aware of unawareness, acknowledgement without genuine care

Apathy formed around careless cares, preventing their cessation with its own existence

The contrary is synchronous, a simultaneous duality breeds dissonance

Relativism from a relatively shit point of view

A perpetual form, like a circle. Every point is different and unique, but ultimately the same. There is no beginning nor end, everything is bound by the crusty perimeter of such a rancid truth. Small variations dissipate into a greater equation, the true form unwavering. Uncertainty lives beside this certainty. Chaos within a predictable structure.

Complicated simplicity. Simple complications.

Something rendered simple by an assail of complexity

Unbalanced balance

No matter how much I focus my attention onto the notion of suicide I can’t come to any certain perspective, even though I hold the idea that nothing will matter once I’m dead.

I could say everything is fucked, but it’s not. Everything is fine, it’s just me who’s fucked. When I close my eyes, the world doesn’t go away. When I die, the world doesn’t die with me. My world does, sure, but not the world. I don’t know where I was going with this. I had an idea, but I lost it. I had a stream of consciousness but it stopped raining. There was a chain of thoughts but a link broke, is the remainder of the thought lost or am I just not aware of it?

It doesn’t really matter. Nothing does.

Fuck my emotions why do I feel this way fuck balls cunt shit fuck
 
I, for one, love your musings and rantings DeathDomokun. Nothing does matter and every little thing does---life is nothing if not paradox and duality. Everything you said above I believe and yet I am happy. How is this and why? I sincerely don't know, but I suspect it is because time is feeling shorter to me and it is causing an absolute gushing affection for this plane of existence and everyone I share it with.

And how satisfying to say fuck balls cunt shit fuck.:)

Much love to you and keep those words coming.<3
 
I can't shake this feeling today. I think it's going to be a full day consumer. I started writing it down for the first time. Maybe I can reread it and start to decipher it for once instead of just dwelling only on the memory. Maybe it will feel better once I have everything that bothers me down into one little booklet that's tangible. It feels good to know that what I did accomplished writing down is now out of my head.
 
^writing saves me many times. I'm glad you felt some relief after writing it out. I had a writing teacher once that said, write down what you are most afraid to say. <3
 
there is this group of hicks down the way from me, the two brothers will sit on their porch and talk about how they want to rape me...and call me fag etc.

my other neighbors have my back though and it is hilarious.


"my brother would like to fuck you, kill you, and fuck you again"
- hick

"...its kind of rubbing off on you 'billy'"
- anonymous

then he told his 2 y/o son, that i am a non christian, it aint christian to be a gay "metrosexual", homo.

this makes the minister in me, want to go over there and ask where in the Bible it mentions judging others, and teaching youth hate and slander to be a part of the word of Christ or the Bible.

/facepalm



lmao

why, I walk with the LORD son, and now you have got some explaining to do.....

=D
 
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^Pip, you be careful. That scares me.

People like that only know how to create fear in others because they themselves are so afraid.

<3<3
 
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