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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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badfish45 said:
Busy week. And still 3 more days . Sometimes I wish I had somebody, just so that's how I could spend my rare off days. You know, with someone important, doing something, not just me coming home and sitting around either on my computer or getting stoned by myself or with friends. Don't get me wrong, both are fun, but only to a point. It doesn't bother me that much, just kind of on my mind right now. Right now, life isn't meant to be dealt with alone. At least not for me.

On a brighter note, my depression has been recurring less and less often. That's a nice change.
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Yeah, this is exactly how I feel right about now. I had to make some money so I sold my Clonazepam a few days ago so I have to wait about 6 days from now til my refill. It's ok because I wasn't taking it every day, no w/d's and I've got a little bud left. But I'm tired of just sitting around the house on the computer on my off days. I'm very busy with school trying to get my History degree, and I'm 16 credits this summer and 20 this fall. Some call me crazy but I like to bury myself in texts of academia because I know that keeps me occupied and I don't have to sit around trying to go to work agencies trying to get some menial job for the summer. I have to take the bus to and live by the bus schedule so that prevents me from having nights out with friends since I pretty much live in the middle of nowhere. But I've also felt no need to go hang out with people because what I do with them is what can already be achieved by myself.

So yeah, I guess I'll be buried in Human Anatomy and Sociology with a side of Yoga this summer while getting myself in the process of getting legal for MMJ (state of MI) and making the goal to take my Clonazepam as prescribed. (3mg daily) Can't be selling shit anymore, they work for me too well anyways. Got a Chiropractors appointment on Monday for the card and I have to wait for stupid Wells Fargo to get my money transferred properly today so I can go get some more bud. Until then, I'm stuck at home, again.

Wish I just had someone to spend my time with again. I like being single, but it's been far too long.

panic in paradise said:
whats the difference between a codependent and a parasite?

a parasite is at least honest with themselves.
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Well that's an interesting way to look at it.
 
^it perpetuates others actual problems, and creates victim scenarios to exist in, escapism.

it is voluntary emotional intellectual and spiritual bankruptcy.

"state of emergency, that is where i want to be"
- bjork

_________
 
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It should be illegal to have babies, and legal to murder your flatemate and her toddlers.
Although whats worse really, I think i'ld rather live in prison I may as well do it.
 
not to anyone here....just saying since its saying you blah blah:

I wish that you didn't do this whole talk to me thing then not especially when I know you're doing something stupid. It worries me a lot because I don't hear from you and then all of a sudden I do. I mean I'm so happy when I hear from you but those days when I don't I start to worry. Yes, I know this is normal and all for you but I wasnt worrying about you like I am now. The difference is that's when I knew you were doing drugs that you most likely wouldn't overdose on. Now that you're messing with the harder things and all it worries me a lot when I end up not hearing from you. I'm not sure if you're dead or alive and its nervewracking. Yeah, I know usually you do end up being okay and then I can laugh about how much I worked myself up but I'm so afraid that one day I won't be able to. That one day you won't be here. I just care about you so much <3 please stop doing this.
 
^^ I can relate to that SO much stayfaded. It comes part and parcel with being so involved with a drug forum, and growing to love and care about so many of the regular members. I hope your friend is okay <3
 
^Yeah, not even just the drug forum but the drug scene in general. So many people are there one day and gone the next. Some comeback out of the blue, others end up in rehab, jail or even dead. Its like please do not do this so much to me! At least contact me in some way so I know you're okay (well if you can). Especially when I know you are doing something that you could easily overdose on and die from. Its not cool worrying and then you get a message like hey many days after and they act like doing that shit is okay. Its not... Thank you though <3 I hope they're okay as well or else I will be extremely upset.... Well even more than just that.
 
mami said:
fakeplastictrees how is the taper going?

My rant. I have been weaning myself off Wellbutrin for months now. I am down to 37 mg every other day. They don't even make a dose this low (cut in half). Today's dose t+5h has my heart racing and biting the insides of my mouth like hell. This meditation practice has my system so subtle.

Rant number 2. I have offered to help this woman with teaching math concepts for that portion of her GED. This is the third night she stood me up. Those were all her chances. I have done my best. My rant is that I have put off going to the laundry mat for a week in part due to our "appointments". Not a big deal but it's lame.
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I'm down to half my dose and I'm going to try to stop doing it every day of the school-week. it's not a problem to stop on weekends when I can sleep in all day.
just under a month left of school...
 
I thought you were my best friend. I know your father just died and I call you. I cry for you and then I make one mistake. I make one mistake and forget to ask you again if you're okay. Then you tell me that I don't care and that you know where my priorities lie. That you've been done with me and been wanting to say goodbye for awhile. Yet, tell me when you've asked me how I was feeling? If I was okay. You never do. You never even notice anything going on. Then you tell me you don't know because I don't tell you things. Well I don't say them because I didn't want to put anymore stress on you but aren't best friends suppose to have some what of a clue that their friend isn't okay? But no. During the end of senior year I stopped coming to school and lost contact with almost everyone. I laid in bed day in and day out wanting to die but all you cared about is if I was coming to prom. I went to prom with you. I held back all the tears inside just to pretend I was okay. Little did you know I was withdrawing off drugs and so depressed. You knew that I just lost someone close but all you cared about was prom. I'd never hold that against you though. Then one day when I forget to ask you if you're okay you flip out and want to tell me goodbye. That I'm the one who never cared and still I apologize to you because I know what you're going through and I'm the one who doesn't care?
 
An old friend's controlling antics:
Long story short, is withholding mushrooms from me. He promised me some liquid LSD years ago and just held on to it then. Why should I not expect history to repeat itself? I don't want to call him out because I have an Objective. He even tried to ask me for an item I inherited from my Dad's passing, "Then maybe we can figure something out on the mushroom side."

If he doesn't come through I think this might be a dealbreaker. No more friendly neighbor.
 
the thought of that pain and sickness again is terrifying.

makes me want to pull my hair out screaming terrifying.

_________
... and it wasnt ever supposed to leave,
this has me more confident it wont happen again ...
ffs
 
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He came through with the "mushrooms".

Let's just say I'm never eating cow excrement again. I was his test subject as it turns out. He described in detail a trip he had on them that never happened. I'm grateful I have a real reason to cut him out for good.

Good thing I've got something else going on... (3 more weeks)
 
was going to have a dumpster set next to my house and start throwing everything away.

but, the trashtruck doesnt wasnt to drive down my driveway, this separates my house full of stuff and the dump by around 20 miles.

i think i will be extending my lease again.

'there is always something'
everyone

"what might delay you could save you"
Ladytron

!catch!
22
 
Why has my health been such shit all the winter and this spring? It's fucked Ive lost about 10lbs since xmas and it's not like i am heavy to begin with. Granted it's kind of hard to keep any weight on when you have 12 hour puking spells from pain or you can't eat because your trigeminal neuralgia is acting up and eating literally hurts!

FML :(
 
Can't do right for doing wrong... Trying to help my heroin addict friend, task seems impossible, I don't want to give up them but their emotional up and downers are sometimes completely draining... It frustrates me beyond all comprehension, yet I completely understand that I'm not an addict so really I have no idea how hard it is or what she is going though, I just don't understand how havin being admitted to hospital with DVT at 22yrs old due to femeral injecting and being really fucking I'll with infections isn't a wake up for her I don't kno wot will be... It's so so hard watching someone destroy their life, I don't want to cut ties as most of the people in her life have I want to be there for her as I kno shes depressed and hates her situation, but goshhh it's hard work...!!! Gahhhh!!!
 
I've spent the last year trying to pick shit up and it's all retarded. I feel like there's been no point to it. I've maintained none of the friendships I needed and even lost some along the way in an attempt to better myself. This shit just isn't worth it.
 
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