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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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Since I jumped off the subs? Last night was the first night, and I must admit, I underestimated the extent of their WD's.

Thanks guys, I got this thing down. But still, ouch!

Ah, and I have a date tomorrow, so luckily emaciated sleep-deprivation is a good look on my gaunt ass, or I'd be in trouble.
 
Been really bugging out lately about this girl I like. I'm terrible when it comes to women. She has a lot going on in her life, at the end of a relationship, in debt, and has no place to live in another month. Nothing more I'd love than to develop things further between us, she seems to be digging me, but I know now is no means the time to do so. I can only see it ending badly if I did. Instead, I know I gotta back off and let things flow. Let her come to me when she feels comfortable doing so, if it's meant to be at all.

It's proving to be so incredibly difficult for me though. She's always coming to me for comfort, cuddling with me, scratching me, biting me. Everything but letting me kiss her. Last two times I saw her, I gave her a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I went to kiss her the last time, but felt her feeling hesitant so I just kissed her cheek. I really like this girl, and I'm trying really hard not to push. I find myself beating myself up at times. Stupid shit too. "Why didn't she text me back? What I said was stupid! I shouldn't have said that." I keep bugging out thinking I've gone too far, or I'm being too pushy. I'm really not doing anything but letting her come to me, cuddling with me, all that stuff.

I gotta relax. I really do. Things will happen in time. Till then, I gotta keep my head up, be there for her and be a positive influence in her life. I gotta stay strong for her sake, and the sake of myself. Things will work out. Yes, they will! If I keep telling myself they will, I have no need to fear. Due time. All in due time.
 
It seems as though you are pretty open with her (biting, cuddling) I don't know what kind of message she is trying to portray to you. I feel as though I would take those acts from her as some sort of initiation of something at least worthy of a goodbye kiss.

I wish you luck and you obviously sound like a very understanding, willing and compassionate guy to try and give her space and acceptance like that. Even seeing as I feel like the messages she is sending you could be a little mixed up and confusing. You are taking it in stride though. Best wishes to you <3.
 
After so many years of struggling with drug and drug abuse I've been able to keep a basic life together.

Yet, after so many years I almost don't know what to do if I were to be clean. I feel like part of me is addicted to the chaos and the misery of it all. Anytime I find myself with prolonged periods of sobriety I find myself getting frrustrated with how 'easy' things are.

I don't know what to type now, I'm just typing I guess. At this point being on drugs is no longer making me happy, yet I'm still having trouble achieving total sobriety.

I still have people to cut out of my life. I'm so alone already. I usually keep to myself during using because I'm aware of the differences in my mood and demeanor. The people I have to cut out are the people who know I use/also use. I'll then be left by my lonesome.


I've also heard about that "rock bottom" theory. I've never hit a real low bottom. I never seem to totally escape using either. My days, my weeks, my months, my years pass by and I barely change. My lack of progression makes me feel depressed and disappointed. I know my family is disappointed.


I don't know the story well, but I feel like Sisyphus. He was doomed to eternally push a large boulder up a hill only to have to it roll down again, where he must restart from the bottom. The time, the effort, the work that I put into moving forward is so easily ruined as that boulder rolls back down the hill. It's happened so many times over the years that I don't know what to do if I ever do push this boulder to the top.


I don't know what I want out of life. At some point I thought I would know or have a better understanding. I feel the older I've gotten the less understanding I have.

I hope I can one day help someone out or help impact someone's life. I live a selfish life now, too concerned with how I'm currently feeling and doing. Maybe one day I won't be such a drain on society and a drain on the ones that still do love me....for whatever reason.
 
I've got so many emotions assailing me at the moment. The thing is, I know it's pointless to vent. I don't usually have the desire, and although my desire right now is subtle/weak, it's still there. I mean, I'm lonely. I'm so disconnected with everything. I haven't been close to anyone in years, and I don't have any real bonds. I don't open up to anyone, and I feel like I've got nothing to share. Like you could open me up, and all you'll find is a bunch of undecipherable whatever with some sort of unexplainable forlorn feel to it.
I don't know. I know that this isn't going to fix anything. I know that sitting here hitting buttons is fucking absurd, but that's okay, because so is everything else I do.
Everything is fucking ridiculous. None of this makes sense, and nothing matters. I wish I didn't care about anything. I wish I could completely let go and just accept this for what it is. To surrender to my feelings...
I'm just so sick of this, you know? I really am. I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I don't know why I'm still here.
The reasons for me to sustain my existence, they don't even exist. They exist within the imagination. Hope, what-if's, thoughts, the unknown. That's it.
The reasons for me to be free of experiencing all this bullshit are real. There are more than not, and they far outweigh the converse.
I don't even want to attempt to find the words to express this. Is it really finding words? I mean typing is just a stream of consciousness, how much power do I have in directing my consciousness?
It doesn't fucking matter, that's how much.
Fuck.
I'm just so sick of this.
I want to cry, but I can't. I want to get angry, but I can't. I want to die.
 
so i think the last 3 months of amph use is catching up with me...
I used them to transform me into who I wanted to be. confident, energetic, happy, productive.
i worry what im doing to my brain though, i just dont know anymore. im starting to depend on ketamine to get to sleep now too.
and the constant partying and drug use every weekend isn't helping. im constantly 'on'
i know im going to break down soon. fuck
 
Fakeplastic, I read this once and it was the single most important thing I have ever heard in regards to stims of any kind. The problem with stims is you will always need stims to acquire that same level of energy and productiveness. You can take it one day, feel fulfilled and motivated, but the next day you will feel lacking and in need of it again to feel that way. It is always better to train yourself. Albeit it is more difficult, the results are long lasting and satisfying.

I think you are coming to a realization of this. Goodluck to you <3<3 It might seem scary now seeing as you may feel strongly dependent, bu give yourself just one week of less use and you will begin to see an improvement in yourself. You don't want to be dependent on drugs to be able to wake up or go to sleep. That charade cannot last forever.

<3<3
 
fakeplastictrees4 said:
so i think the last 3 months of amph use is catching up with me...
I used them to transform me into who I wanted to be. confident, energetic, happy, productive.
i worry what im doing to my brain though, i just dont know anymore. im starting to depend on ketamine to get to sleep now too.
and the constant partying and drug use every weekend isn't helping. im constantly 'on'
i know im going to break down soon. fuck
Click to expand...

Amphetamines fall into one group of drugs that i knew from the get go could get me in big trouble. Stimulants in general fuck with my head and i find them to be very compulsive to say the least. I didn't find Dexedrine to be quite as compulsive as cocaine (but what is? :\ ) but it was compulsive enough to have me popping a handful as soon as i opened my eyes from a downer induced coma and staying up for 2 or 3 or 4 days straight. Ive known so many people to run into addiction problems with various amphetamines that it has scared me off trying meth. I knew if i liked it more then dex and got a rush from it that it would probably completely ruin me. it fucks with my moods big time and i just end up a mess.

The sooner you quit the easier it will be too quit. If you need the pills for ADHD or something else try and keep to low doses. Although if your really addicted to them that won't be easy to say the least :\
 
I *need* to quit using oxycodone/heroin but I don't WANT to. How do I want to do something???? I'm afraid my girlfriend has finally had enough of my shit and wants to leave me... what am I going to do? :(
 
The hardest part is wanting to quit. That's why addicts stay addicts. We don't have a magic serum of words to make you not want it anymore. You have to find that reason for yourself.

You obviously want it a little bit, or else you wouldn't be typing this out asking for help. Can you think of the reasons opiates are disrupting your life, other than your girlfriend. Because I know she means a lot to you but you will need other reasons as well to help support the idea that you really do need to quit.

Perhaps try brainstorming the reasons. I know money, paychecks and running out before my next one were a big factor. The depression was a big one for me too.
 
stardust.hero said:
Fakeplastic, I read this once and it was the single most important thing I have ever heard in regards to stims of any kind. The problem with stims is you will always need stims to acquire that same level of energy and productiveness. You can take it one day, feel fulfilled and motivated, but the next day you will feel lacking and in need of it again to feel that way. It is always better to train yourself. Albeit it is more difficult, the results are long lasting and satisfying.

I think you are coming to a realization of this. Goodluck to you <3<3 It might seem scary now seeing as you may feel strongly dependent, bu give yourself just one week of less use and you will begin to see an improvement in yourself. You don't want to be dependent on drugs to be able to wake up or go to sleep. That charade cannot last forever.

<3<3
Click to expand...

thanks <3
I've had issues with stims before, it's a bit of a cycle.
Dependence on stims to do things is exactly what makes me want to quit.
I am going to taper through the last of my stims and hopefuly I'll be off f them in the next week or so.
 
God I hate how I digress (this is only the end of a significantly long rant I chose not to publish here in full) , and despite my utter awareness of it, I can't keep from doing it. Worse yet, are the times I lack clear direction in a tangent (yes, this is the case w/ the following). I'll keep this part brief (FAIL), but I'm starting to either come to terms w/ faults in myself, or I'm becoming a thing I dislike and do not respect. Essentially, the problem can be evaluated as twofold: there's my addictions, and secondly, the thing I'm discovering is all I can do w/ loved and close ones is talk about the addiction. I can still rhapsodize about music at length, and a few other topics hold my attention at lengthy spans, but if left idle, I'll bring it around to my addiction on some level. It can be the difficulties, or what I'll not altogether comfortably deem glorification, the science, basically any aspect. Actually, after a few mere second's evaluation, I am comfortable identifying a sizable amount of my expression as glorification/romanticizing. This is difficult for me, mainly b/c I've always derided the act of identifying w/ others over drugs, particularly marijuana, and/or also bolstering drugs as an emblem or identity. Of course heroin and marijuana each have their varied subcultures/stereotypes/mythology etc., but I've realized my continual association of heroin (and cocaine to a lesser extent) to myself intrinsically is identical, or at least analogous, to the identifying oneself as a stoner. To me, this is pathetic on many levels, and it transgresses more than one of my personal ethics. It is so easy to delude yourself, even w/o the veil of drugs, but when your normative state is opiates, or, I should switch to my/me - eh, so my norm perception distorted by opiates, I've already managed to swallow bigger lies (I don't want to imply/state most, or even some, opiate users lie to themselves, or deny their reality, etc, although I can attest it made self-deception and delusion easily contour to my life). Point being, it's hard to deny to yourself major violations of your own code (ie stealing from family), but it is more murky to detect the abstract or philosophical betrayals, w/ or w/o drugs. I'll conclude this point by saying this contributes majorly to my rut and is hijacking my identity. I think I'm losing my friends due to this. I know I need to fill my life w/ meaningful activities and abstain from drugs, but in the short time I've kept clean I've annoyed the close ones in my life doing this, including you possibly

EDIT: I'm sorry how unhinged this all is. I typed so much throughout the morning and it's now 4:15am and I can't sleep and my family, or at least my brother, probably can tell I've relapsed. I think things are winding up to something pretty bad. They know they're amidst my evil, and there is something dreadful on my horizon. Sorry fellow darksiders, I've not kept strong :(
 
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Fuck the fuckity of fuckery fucked. Fuck France and the fucksheep french fucking people.
 
Apparently, whenever I get drugs & am high, I keep trying to overdose... it would be pretty easy, I think, because I have lots of benzos & alcohol with which to combine the oxycodone and not too much of a tolerance at the moment but then I just eventually pass out and wake up feeling like a failure. I don't want to die, especially not at home where my brother or girlfriend can discover my body and have to go through that trauma... I want to spare them that... but I also want out of here and feel like they will be better off without me... I just want to leave and find my own way in the world. My brother and girlfriend love each other (not in that way, but as sister/brother-in-law even though we aren't married)... I just can't take this life anymore... I'm completely done with trying. Everything I've ever done has been a failure... I even missed therapy on Monday because I was too depressed to go. All the days just melt together as I apply for job after job and hear nothing and put the rent money up my nose... I even became violent last night with my girlfriend and began, at first, playfully punching and biting her but then I became angry and the punching and biting turned into something ugly... (Before you judge, I am also a female, but obviously I have no right to hit my partner, male or female)... I'm just this hideous broken lazy person who NEEDS to escape my own head by using psychoactive drugs and I'm just destroying everyone else around me as well, which is the hard part...

I don't want pity or sympathy, really, I just want someone to fucking put a bullet in my head so I don't have to and my little family can hate someone else, rather than me.
 
fakeplastictrees how is the taper going?

My rant. I have been weaning myself off Wellbutrin for months now. I am down to 37 mg every other day. They don't even make a dose this low (cut in half). Today's dose t+5h has my heart racing and biting the insides of my mouth like hell. This meditation practice has my system so subtle.

Rant number 2. I have offered to help this woman with teaching math concepts for that portion of her GED. This is the third night she stood me up. Those were all her chances. I have done my best. My rant is that I have put off going to the laundry mat for a week in part due to our "appointments". Not a big deal but it's lame.
 
Let's see ... quit benzos cold turkey about three weeks ago after a heavy addiction for about three months and using them for about nine, got all the lovely withdrawal symptoms - seizure, brain zaps, daily panic attacks, etc. I'm sick of dealing with everything in my life and it's just so hard to stay away from the benzos, I want nothing more than to be able to take them again, I know I shouldn't but I can just feel it coming, I know I'll snap eventually :( either that or I'll try something else (like heroin...have always been immensely curious about heroin) and then surely get addicted and come to regret this in a few years. But I just don't want to deal with the loneliness and emptiness of my life, the guy I was with for two years dumped me out of the blue to go with another girl, my parents are divorcing, my grandfather whom I was very close to just died, and I've just been depressed for years, the benzos would at least give me a chance to escape out of my head a bit...attempted suicide about the time I quit, I tried to intentianolly OD and I have no idea why I didn't, I failed even at that. With the doses/ mixture I took I should have and I hate the world even more for having let me survive. I keep thinking if I did survive, it's because there must have been a reason for it and there must be a reason why I should live, but I can't see it. And at least drugs would make me feel something other than miserable emptiness. Gaaah. I have no idea where this is going. I'll probably end up relapsing I guess, I don't think I'm strong enough to go through with this w/d...well that's it for now. Good luck to all you guys struggling with similar feelings <3
 
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