tripnotyzm
Bluelighter
Positive rants 
I like that one.
I like that one.
-
The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines Bereavement Mindfulness Suicide Support Anger Management -
TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android
Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)
- Thread starter n3ophy7e
- Start date
- Status
DexterMeth
Bluelighter
What are you waiting for? You have a job right? Get a friend that has a car and license to start teaching you in a safe, quiet area. Go to the DMV and setup up an appointment. Driving is really easy. Going into the DMV, and taking the driving test is infinitely harder than driving itself. You will do fine.
TDS must be happy at the moment for this do be down on page 2...
Anyways, my rant for the day:
My landlady and her son ambushed me last night, and set me the ultimatum that I have to clear the rent I owe by the start of June or I'm getting kicked out. I can't blame them, the social housing money I get only pays a % of my rent, and while I hand over all of that and as much of my unemployment money as I can, the amount I owe has been gradually building and is now somewhere around £300.
I thought that whan I came back from the US, almost a year ago, that it would maybe take me 6 months to find work at the very least. Instead I've been faced with blank silences in response to applications and CVs I've sent, and all the time the blank gap at the top of my CV is growing longer and longer and reducing my chances more. I'm now a socially inept hermit from staring at these same 4 walls month after month and barely speaking to a soul.
In the background, the gov't push up tuition fees for university, meaning that going back to finish my degree has become a wild dream, rather than a hard but achievable task.
All this because the banks overreached and got themselves screwed, and our gov't is too busy spending millions bailing them out while busy shafting the people who voted for them, the people who really need help.
I come to TDS, because the people here remind me of how truly good people can be, devoting time and attention to others regardless of the struggles they themselves face. It helps balance out the anger and darkness that looking too closely at society instils in me. Some days that equation just doesn't balance though, and today is one of them. Fuck society. Fuck the system that says anyone can make it 'if they try'. Yeah, 1 in 1000 can make it, all you have to do is shit on the dreams of 999 others and you're all set, and that's not even including the fact you have to deal with some truly terrible people and have to treat them like they're reasonable humans. Most galling is that it's probably not even their fault. Somewhere down the line someone taught them it was OK to pick off the weaker to further themselves.
Fuck it, all of it. Maybe the depression has stripped away a lot of what I was, what I cared about. The days of walking down Whitehall in the midst of a 10000 strong crowd are gone and past for me, but I still know what matters to me. I'll probably make it out of this hole, but I'm damned if I'll ever say I'm happy to be part of this joke.
Anyways, my rant for the day:
My landlady and her son ambushed me last night, and set me the ultimatum that I have to clear the rent I owe by the start of June or I'm getting kicked out. I can't blame them, the social housing money I get only pays a % of my rent, and while I hand over all of that and as much of my unemployment money as I can, the amount I owe has been gradually building and is now somewhere around £300.
I thought that whan I came back from the US, almost a year ago, that it would maybe take me 6 months to find work at the very least. Instead I've been faced with blank silences in response to applications and CVs I've sent, and all the time the blank gap at the top of my CV is growing longer and longer and reducing my chances more. I'm now a socially inept hermit from staring at these same 4 walls month after month and barely speaking to a soul.
In the background, the gov't push up tuition fees for university, meaning that going back to finish my degree has become a wild dream, rather than a hard but achievable task.
All this because the banks overreached and got themselves screwed, and our gov't is too busy spending millions bailing them out while busy shafting the people who voted for them, the people who really need help.
I come to TDS, because the people here remind me of how truly good people can be, devoting time and attention to others regardless of the struggles they themselves face. It helps balance out the anger and darkness that looking too closely at society instils in me. Some days that equation just doesn't balance though, and today is one of them. Fuck society. Fuck the system that says anyone can make it 'if they try'. Yeah, 1 in 1000 can make it, all you have to do is shit on the dreams of 999 others and you're all set, and that's not even including the fact you have to deal with some truly terrible people and have to treat them like they're reasonable humans. Most galling is that it's probably not even their fault. Somewhere down the line someone taught them it was OK to pick off the weaker to further themselves.
Fuck it, all of it. Maybe the depression has stripped away a lot of what I was, what I cared about. The days of walking down Whitehall in the midst of a 10000 strong crowd are gone and past for me, but I still know what matters to me. I'll probably make it out of this hole, but I'm damned if I'll ever say I'm happy to be part of this joke.
Undue frustration is plaguing me at the moment. Well, who am I to say it is undue? Anxiety and agitation mostly, fairly trivial, but a son-of-a-bitch to deal with. Have been back on my Tegretol XR 200 mg BID along with my 3 mg Klonipin/day and 100 mg Tramadol BID (once when I wake, and once ~ 6-8 hrs. later), and 1 mg Xanax qhs and 1 mg Xanax PRN. This is kind of my rx-plan, but I still find myself with frustration. I seriously need something stronger, whether that means more k-pins through the day, a larger dose of tram, a bigger PRN, I don't know. I am going through a move right now, and am losing a house I am very close to, which is in the process of being rennovated while I am still here. Jesus H. Christ, it really is pissing me off. And my grandmother, one second she is amusing me, and the next she is bothering me. I just feel like am being badgered by life, not like beaten, just badgered, almost teased. And I am not amused. At least not now. I took my second dose of tram about 15 min. ago so hopefully that will help some, but I can BARELY feel that anymore (been on it daily for a little over 2 weeks now). I do have a stash of Seroquel, which I would hate to resort to, but may have to. Neuroleptics make me feel like shit and take away any drive to do anything, but for anxiety flares they may prove necessary.
Life is going by so quick, and yet I cannot wait till I arrive to the future. Really time is moving at such a rapid pace, which is good, but even more rapidity would be nice. I have to move to So. Cal., that is my dream, and it must be realized sooner or later, whatever be the cost. There is so much to say, so much, yet it alludes me when I want to, or it proves to great to articulate with proper English. Life is not bad, it is good, but it is my mood that I wish would remain good, always good, and it simply does not. I am neurotic, granted I have dealt with a lot of my neuroses well, and I don't seem to be as much as I was, but the fact is I am. Dx'd with GAD and Borderline Personality Disorder by my therapist. Maybe? Need to review the DSM, it just has so damn much.
I am rambling, I know, I am rambling, but I must ramble, I must, in some way, sublimate this energy that seems to overtake me, not often, but still at times. What I would do without bluelight? I would be a different person, truly. I don't doubt my capacity to live, to endure, no, but I owe thanks to bluelight and TDS for what it has done for me. It has allowed me to share I what I feel and what I know. It has allowed me to learn, to gain insight. It has filled hours, countless hours. You see it can be much easier to live in fantasy, but "you cannot find peace by avoiding life..." - Virginia Woolf in The Hours. Is this true? I like the quote, I do, but am uncertain how I should interpret it. I must look life in the face, yes, I must. Recently, I have been thinking about someone who I love estranged from me, who never did love me, to my knowledge. It was a guy who said and put on to be straight, but who really knows? He lives in Southern California. He is studying to be an architect, I believe. I was not so acutely aware of his importance to me until recently, as he has been in most of my dreams. What is love, really? What does it mean to love? I love opiates, I loved my mother, I love my family, but what is it really? Or should it not be disected or over-explained? Then what is it to be in love? How to I distinguish interest, infatuation or limerence from true love? Or does love come in varied degrees or in various types? Is it just another useless label we use in the English language? Perhaps. I do not really know. As much as I speak out against labels, are they not needed, are not words just labels? How could a language exist without labels? I wonder or do I? I think, I do, and I learn and such, but something seems dead in the brain, or at least unresponsive. There is a part of my mind which does not seem lucid enough to fill its duties, yet I have no idea which part or how to stimulate it. Even now, even writing, it seems there exists a very large portion of my mind which fails to function. I do not mean to say I feel mentally handicapped or diseased in any fashion, I don't even fill particularly slow. It rarely bothers me or comes to my attention, but it is there. It is almost as if I am performing all of my duties, am thinking all of my thoughts, but with "the lights off". I feel emotions, I do. I am smart, if I may say so, but something is not sparked.
Whether or not I solve this mystery about my mind which is disturbingly undisturbing, it does not seem to really matter. I suppose I am content, generally, and on the whole of it, I am content. There are times when I think of what I could have had, but that thinking isn't healthy. I think, instead, of what I will have in the future. My dreams and aspirations and desires and fantasies. It can be quite exciting, and positively exciting. I wish my fantastical life of the future would materialize and come to fruition, and I would be with my love, and live in Southern California, and have an unlimited amount of drugs, and have a huge house being an M.D., and have a bunch of cats, but is my will enough alone to make this happen? Am I that powerful? Or will I be dissapointed to find myself banging dope in the slums of any given city, piss-poor, and estranged from my family?
A while ago I used to think about taking my life, I even do now - just think about it. What I mean to say is I used to consider it. I have come to a conclusion, an absolute conclusion that I shall never take my life. When I say I think about it, I mean I think about what it would be like, but have NO intentions on doing so. I shall never take my life. Life is far to wonderful, and hope is far too great, always, for me to consider ending it. Life is literally full of wonder, the good, the bad, the indifferent. It is full of wonder and beauty. Hope is always present regardless of how bleak, how horrible things seem, it exists always. The beauty of life is too great for me to terminate. I know that for better or worse, one day I will die. That is life, and that is fine. I have little fear of death itself, though it would be unfortunate and upsetting, in itself I would not consider it fearful.
I am definitely rambling, definitely rambling. Oh, dear, well I suppose there is no harm in it. I would guess, in fact, it is very therapeutic. Posting this is likely better than keeping to myself, to throw it out into the universe, to make it real. My level of acute frustration and anxiety has significantly reduced since beginning to write this, so I suppose "venting/ranting" is helpful in this case. Due to this post's length it may very well not be read, but I do want to thank bluelight regardless. It is a wonderful site with a wonderful forum and wonderful posters.
All of my love, Alex.
Life is going by so quick, and yet I cannot wait till I arrive to the future. Really time is moving at such a rapid pace, which is good, but even more rapidity would be nice. I have to move to So. Cal., that is my dream, and it must be realized sooner or later, whatever be the cost. There is so much to say, so much, yet it alludes me when I want to, or it proves to great to articulate with proper English. Life is not bad, it is good, but it is my mood that I wish would remain good, always good, and it simply does not. I am neurotic, granted I have dealt with a lot of my neuroses well, and I don't seem to be as much as I was, but the fact is I am. Dx'd with GAD and Borderline Personality Disorder by my therapist. Maybe? Need to review the DSM, it just has so damn much.
I am rambling, I know, I am rambling, but I must ramble, I must, in some way, sublimate this energy that seems to overtake me, not often, but still at times. What I would do without bluelight? I would be a different person, truly. I don't doubt my capacity to live, to endure, no, but I owe thanks to bluelight and TDS for what it has done for me. It has allowed me to share I what I feel and what I know. It has allowed me to learn, to gain insight. It has filled hours, countless hours. You see it can be much easier to live in fantasy, but "you cannot find peace by avoiding life..." - Virginia Woolf in The Hours. Is this true? I like the quote, I do, but am uncertain how I should interpret it. I must look life in the face, yes, I must. Recently, I have been thinking about someone who I love estranged from me, who never did love me, to my knowledge. It was a guy who said and put on to be straight, but who really knows? He lives in Southern California. He is studying to be an architect, I believe. I was not so acutely aware of his importance to me until recently, as he has been in most of my dreams. What is love, really? What does it mean to love? I love opiates, I loved my mother, I love my family, but what is it really? Or should it not be disected or over-explained? Then what is it to be in love? How to I distinguish interest, infatuation or limerence from true love? Or does love come in varied degrees or in various types? Is it just another useless label we use in the English language? Perhaps. I do not really know. As much as I speak out against labels, are they not needed, are not words just labels? How could a language exist without labels? I wonder or do I? I think, I do, and I learn and such, but something seems dead in the brain, or at least unresponsive. There is a part of my mind which does not seem lucid enough to fill its duties, yet I have no idea which part or how to stimulate it. Even now, even writing, it seems there exists a very large portion of my mind which fails to function. I do not mean to say I feel mentally handicapped or diseased in any fashion, I don't even fill particularly slow. It rarely bothers me or comes to my attention, but it is there. It is almost as if I am performing all of my duties, am thinking all of my thoughts, but with "the lights off". I feel emotions, I do. I am smart, if I may say so, but something is not sparked.
Whether or not I solve this mystery about my mind which is disturbingly undisturbing, it does not seem to really matter. I suppose I am content, generally, and on the whole of it, I am content. There are times when I think of what I could have had, but that thinking isn't healthy. I think, instead, of what I will have in the future. My dreams and aspirations and desires and fantasies. It can be quite exciting, and positively exciting. I wish my fantastical life of the future would materialize and come to fruition, and I would be with my love, and live in Southern California, and have an unlimited amount of drugs, and have a huge house being an M.D., and have a bunch of cats, but is my will enough alone to make this happen? Am I that powerful? Or will I be dissapointed to find myself banging dope in the slums of any given city, piss-poor, and estranged from my family?
A while ago I used to think about taking my life, I even do now - just think about it. What I mean to say is I used to consider it. I have come to a conclusion, an absolute conclusion that I shall never take my life. When I say I think about it, I mean I think about what it would be like, but have NO intentions on doing so. I shall never take my life. Life is far to wonderful, and hope is far too great, always, for me to consider ending it. Life is literally full of wonder, the good, the bad, the indifferent. It is full of wonder and beauty. Hope is always present regardless of how bleak, how horrible things seem, it exists always. The beauty of life is too great for me to terminate. I know that for better or worse, one day I will die. That is life, and that is fine. I have little fear of death itself, though it would be unfortunate and upsetting, in itself I would not consider it fearful.
I am definitely rambling, definitely rambling. Oh, dear, well I suppose there is no harm in it. I would guess, in fact, it is very therapeutic. Posting this is likely better than keeping to myself, to throw it out into the universe, to make it real. My level of acute frustration and anxiety has significantly reduced since beginning to write this, so I suppose "venting/ranting" is helpful in this case. Due to this post's length it may very well not be read, but I do want to thank bluelight regardless. It is a wonderful site with a wonderful forum and wonderful posters.
All of my love, Alex.
I have to vent, again, I just have to. Had it out with my psych doc today when he wanted to put me on Risperdal for anxiety and agitation and insomnia (kind of a lie). I refused any neuroleptics. He literally asked what I had in mind to help, like straight up. I suggested a hypnotic benzodiazepine for the short-term or a z-drug, and he made a face, a simply laughed, saying I don't think that would be safe. Jesus H. Christ! He did switch my Ativan PRN to Xanax per my request, but didn't really hear me out about how stressed I was. It was basically Risperdal or no real changes. What a fucker. He does script me 3 mg k-pins daily, and like I said he did switch me to Xanax per my request, but gave me 30 0.5 mg, when I told him I needed at least 2 mg Ativan to feel anything. It really bothered me. My grandmother was in with me, and attested to all of my maladies and that it was an extraordinarily stressful time for me, but he just would not listen. I ended up just walking out on him (still got my scripts). I didn't tell him off, but I made it clear I was pissed. I said pretty much verbatum "I wrestle in the dark, in the deep dark, and only I can know how my anxiety, my agitation, my nervousness feels". This is partly true. I stole it from a movie, but I love that line. The point is my psych was a dick, who doesn't do his job, and doesn't take me seriously. Oh, and he didn't know what Mogadon is, and he is a psych doc! Really? Are you fucking kidding me? I have upped my tram dose to 300 mg/day as of today and am continuing with 1 mg Xanax at bedtime and when needed, and my Tegretol XR 200 mg, and the 1 mg k-pin 3 x daily. Probably should have taken the Risperdal as a PRN, but I have enough Seroquel if I get really bad. Whatever, I cannot let him get to me too much, I guess. I want to switch, but fear no other psych doc would rx me enough benzos. I honestly don't know.
Find a new doctor, one that will take you off all that crap because that is probably one of the issues, over medication. Nitrazepam is not available in the US for prescription so that would make sense that he didn't know about it unless you live in a different country. I would bet money he is going to drop you as a patient soon unless maybe your paying cash.
Okay, well maybe his lack of knowledge of nitrazepam can be excused, but his attitude and actions cannot. I would drop him like a stone, however, I fear no other psych doc would script me the same amount of benzos esp. considering my noted history of substance abuse. So frustrating. When I move in about a year, I won't be in the area, so I will have to find a new psych doc regardless. Can I tolerate him for a year? Maybe.
rangrz
Bluelighter
SON OF BITCH! I took today off to go out with my S/O. One of my VERY few times taking a weekend night off. I work like every weekend and holiday night shift. I asked for one off, and got someone to come in and do my job.
What does that POS do? He fucking calls in and takes it off on an hours notice! What happens? The Major in charge calls me and tells me to get my ass up to the hut and get to work. (Instead being a stand up guy himself and doing a shift on the road for once)
Yeah, its not the biggest deal in the world objectively, but it PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF. All I wanted to was go to a show with my S/O and relax for once.
Bleh, time to get dressed and go to work.
What does that POS do? He fucking calls in and takes it off on an hours notice! What happens? The Major in charge calls me and tells me to get my ass up to the hut and get to work. (Instead being a stand up guy himself and doing a shift on the road for once)
Yeah, its not the biggest deal in the world objectively, but it PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF. All I wanted to was go to a show with my S/O and relax for once.
Bleh, time to get dressed and go to work.
villian
Bluelighter
You sound like you could use a hug Mr. Snacks
Cohesion
Bluelighter
I have to get SR-22 insurance.
The first quote I got is $590 for 1 year. Just to have a license (no car is owned on this policy).
It is required for 3 years.
There are so, so many broken pieces to pick up :/
Including a Stats class I'll be taking for the 3rd time this summer.
To be true, 13 months ago I had a plan to kill myself. But settled for living in a tent and taking bath salts for a few months. I made it guys.
The first quote I got is $590 for 1 year. Just to have a license (no car is owned on this policy).
It is required for 3 years.
There are so, so many broken pieces to pick up :/
Including a Stats class I'll be taking for the 3rd time this summer.
To be true, 13 months ago I had a plan to kill myself. But settled for living in a tent and taking bath salts for a few months. I made it guys.
panic in paradise
Bluelighter
it is fairly disturbing throwing away my ex-wifes stuff; her smells and colors or sheets we shared. and much of her families stuff from before she was born.
if you fall in love, catch yourself on the way down.
if you fall in love, catch yourself on the way down.
panic in paradise
Bluelighter
panic in paradise
Bluelighter
trying again to not smoke pot, but i feel like i am full of rotten green gasses and my stomach is going to explode -
so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
this day is whack.
so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
this day is whack.
tripnotyzm
Bluelighter
In the same boat pip. I'm trying so hard, but I know I'm going to give in again today.
I've cut down half my weekly intake, but still can't manage a full day.
It's Feeling impossible to quit, especially when it is literally everywhere I go.
I'm even surrounded by it at work now.
Crazy. Come on inner strength, do your thing you basterd.
I've cut down half my weekly intake, but still can't manage a full day.
It's Feeling impossible to quit, especially when it is literally everywhere I go.
I'm even surrounded by it at work now.
Crazy. Come on inner strength, do your thing you basterd.
motherofearth
Bluelighter
Jumped off the subs and spent last night howling, throwing up, and in general disarray. Scared my family awake, but I'm feeling better today. Not planning on sleeping tonight, but it's okay because tomorrow is Saturday and no one expects anything of me.
When this shit leaves my system I need to work on some self-betterment. Job, moving out, narrowing my drinking to once a month, restoring my athleticism, getting my thesis back on track, shit there is so much.
Anyone have any inspiring books to recommend? The last time I stayed up w/ WDs I read Cunt and found it empowering.
When this shit leaves my system I need to work on some self-betterment. Job, moving out, narrowing my drinking to once a month, restoring my athleticism, getting my thesis back on track, shit there is so much.
Anyone have any inspiring books to recommend? The last time I stayed up w/ WDs I read Cunt and found it empowering.
stardust.hero
Bluelight Crew
Stick with it MoE how many days now?
how many days now?- Status