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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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Long story short,

Doctor said i should have been on SSRI's, put me on Citalopram got nasty side effects,
Instead did ketamine once a week (he said im manic depressed)

All the way from june time up till 2 weeks and some days ago ive done it every weekend.
But ive been put on these DoxyCycline for prostatitis, Which ive had 4 years so its nothing to do with the K, But when i do K it can aggravate it and cause a flare up (painful to pee, no sex life for me because of it)


I wonder if doxycycline and ketamine will react because i just cant take these mood swings anymore, i dont even want to think suicidal but im 100% feeling it, i dont want to but it just flows through me in sessions throughout the day... reminds me of the days before i ever used k . . . .

I dont know what to do
 
I've fucking had enough of my ex and half of his stupid family. How dare they think that they know. Enter than me when it comes down to my son, they've never been fucking bothered for the last 5 years so why the fuck stick their noses in now and make malicious allegations and rumours?


I will have the last laugh, as a wise man once said "slowly, slowly catchee monkey"

But still, I wish to god I could train still,I am ready for putting my hand through the wall. Stressed and that is the last thing that I need. Bastards!
 
so I gotta be the one to bring this thread to the first page with my negativity? Sorry guys.

This shit just isn't going to work any longer. Bedtime at 7pm in order to be up at 3am has proven to be a complete disaster. I only have 10 more days until my shift changes to something reasonable but enough damage has been done and the negatives continue to pile up quickly and drastically. What else is going to degrade within the next 10 days?

Time to cut my losses. I need to get back on point. I don't recognize myself sometimes and others have mentioned noticing a change as well.

The final straw is the risky behavior that I've succumbed to this past week. Yeah, I fully participated but that doesn't negate the shit feelings afterwards.

Fucking hell, this job so wasn't worth all the sacrifice and loss
 
Tired of other people thinking they know what is best for me. They may be correct, and I'm going to do something that they have pretty much all asked just to put their mind at ease. I feel fine, I've been hypomanic recently but I'm trying to use that to be productive and create plans for when/if the hypomania ends and I get left with what would normally be depression, but because I have been trying to set up these backup plans for when that happens it shouldn't happen and I should be able to avoid sinking deep into the depths of depression again.

It does sound delusional me saying that I am right and the whole world is wrong, but that has been the case before and not just once, so why not this time too. I'll do what has been asked of me (go see my GP) anyway just out of interest to see what she has to say, and also to apologise for cancelling my last two appointments and also to make my friends feel better. If I am diagnosed with anything though then fair enough, if I am offered medication I am turning it down. I need to get off all my medication by spring 2013 as that is when I plan to leave for Peru, and I can't be doing a years plus worth of travelling and volunteering whilst still on medication.

I'm just making plans, I made a stupid mistake by cutting a symbol into my knee but other than that I've just been a bit hyper and hypomanic. I am pretty certain it wont turn into full blown mania though.

John Nash managed to control his schizophrenia by developing his own coping strategies and I believe that I can develop my own coping strategies and have already started to to prevent a relapse into the suicidal depression that I often find myself in.

I am depressed underneath now, just as John Nash is schizophrenic too, but I am managing to hide it by covering it up with hypomanic activities and it is working, it is making me feel happy a lot of the time, just as when you force a smile when you are sad you will feel some slight feeling of happiness because a smile is associated deeply with happiness. I am by no means out of the woods yet, but I am working my way there.

I wont apologise for the rant, as this is the rant thread. I just want people to believe that I am fine, I am ok, I feel good at the moment, but all I get back is worry, which makes me kinda frustrated and sad :( I know they mean well, and I will go to the doctors but I am really fine, I really am, wish someone would believe me.
 
Ok. I give in. This has to get out.

I am over-worked. I have more clients than I know what to do with and not enough help or resources to help them. Not to mention that I'm turning down people every day because I don't have beds. But the people that are taking them up aren't taking it seriously. Bringing in drugs, lying to my face etc.

Yesterday I got to work, threw up within 5 minutes and no one could come in so I could get better for the Christmas shit I had to do the next day. Which left me so worked up and worried that I didn't sleep until 6am.

Today I get a text from my mom. My grandpa has died of skin cancer. The funeral will be after Christmas. Plus I'm still sick.
I get to work and they are leaving it to me to sort and make in fair (which is impossible when you are working with donations) for the 25 or so women and children that we are currently housing. Just me. On top of everything else, I have to be ready to handle a emergency crisis call when I feel like crying myself.

As I am trying to get Christmas shit ready for them they are fighting and bothering me over every little thing. I fucking hate it. I don't want to do Christmas gifts for people that treat me and other people like shit. Not to mention people that other staff has promised gifts to and they have show up or called at LEAST 6 times asking for their gifts. FUCK OFF!

Jesus Christ, I am KILLING myself for people that don't even give a shit and I'm unable to take time off to be sick or deal with family loss.
What the fuck is the point?! Getting stoned to try to deal with it isn't working anymore. Its not strong enough to get my brain to shut off and quit caring about these assholes (not all of them but if you have had to deal with them for 6 months anyone can be trying)! If I take anything else, I'm fucking useless.

I give up on the holidays. They aren't the same without my grandma and its painful to have a get together without her and now my grandpa is gone and all I can think is how much I could have learned or known about him if I JUST had the time.

But I give my time to everyone else. My energy, my soul, what if left for me.
After this you think I would feel good and happy.
I feel empty, disconnected, and don't know how to cope anymore.
 
Oh my, Pillthrill. I'm so sorry for your grandpa's passing. There's never a good time for that to happen, but around the holidays adds that extra bit of difficulty to it. Not to mention all the other nonsense that you have to deal with at work. You're a far stronger person than I, let me tell you.

I wish that I had some advice, counsel, or guidance for you, but if I were in your boat I probably would have broken down two months ago. I am amazed at how you are able to work so hard at such a difficult job and still be anything close to as level-headed as you sound.

My deepest condolences to you and yours, and may you find a quiet space within yourself where you can enjoy a moment of serenity occasionally throughout the holiday. Remember: you are not your thoughts, and you are not your emotions; you are capable of examining them from a distance, as it were.
 
PT I'm really sorry to hear about your grandfather <3

Stupid parents. Trying to ruin my life and make me feel guilty about smoking a weed. go ahead then, do your worst. I don't care, ruin my whole fucking life. Go for it.
 
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Wow, these past holidays have been so horrible. I don't even want to bother with Christmas. My mother and I are alone down here without our family and a car so we can't go up to see them. This will be my first Christmas without my sister :( I'm so depressed because I miss her so much. I hate that we all had to be split apart after the eviction and homelessness stunt over the summer and beginning of fall. Oh well, she had to complete her senior year some how... I would love to go up to CT and will so my mother can visit. She won't go up unless I come with her. The sad thing is I don't get paid until the 29th and that means can't buy us a ticket until after new years now (have something planned). To be honest I only want to see my sister because at this point in time I hate a lot of my family members because they weren't there for me this summer when I needed them the most. I feel guilty though because my grandparents are getting old and there's not much time left for them but I can't believe they left me in a placement all alone instead of letting me stay at their place... But oh they let my alcoholic of a brother stay there before when he didn't have a place. Shit I was even sober at the time and just wanted a place to be at when my mother was locked up in county. I never thought my family would be so heartless. I will probably never forgive them for that. I was the grandchild/neice that never asked for anything and not even money when everyone else did but when I do need something I get treated like that. Well fuck you all. I'm so happy to have had gone through this because now I know who's worth it and who's not. I can clean up the list of people who mean something to me.
 
Apparently I'm a failure again today. :( I went 8 days without getting high. I don't even know why I was suddenly able to do that. I guess the pharmacists refusing to sell me stuff gave me a shock and made me realise I couldn't get codeine steadily forever? And one of them told me to see a doctor if I was still "in pain". ('Cause I'd said I was... Obviously.) The other one was just a bitch though, really. There's no age restrictions on codeine here, I know that! There's quantity restrictions, you also can't have it on display, and you have to make sure the person buying it knows that it's a strong painkiller with the potential for abuse and addiction and the dosage and all that. There is NO age restriction! She had no right to refuse to sell to me JUST because I'm 15! That same pharmacy sold it to me before with the only question being "12 or 24?".

But anyway. I think that's what made me go so long. 'Cause I was too afraid to try and buy it. I was glad today though, 'cause my cousins were here. I didn't feel good at all for the past days, but I was still glad because I'd feel so guilty if I was high around my cousins. And now I'm gonna be stuck 'cause my dad'll be here so I can't buy anything.

I'm a failure 'cause I took two painkillers with codeine in them. It wasn't enough to get a high, but someone told me that it counts as giving in anyway. And I'm automatically a failure whenever I get high or give in like that. So now I hate myself and figure that maybe I might as well double-fail if there's enough cough syrup left. (But maybe not. I dunno.)
 
Thanks for your kind words everyone. Dave, You have always been so supportive. I'm glad you think so highly of me, because I know I had my low points.
I'm sure things will work out at work. I don't have to be there every second. Holding myself to such high standards can be problem sometimes.
I went out and had some drinks last night. Not the best coping mind you but I had a friend and made good choices so no harm done. Other than to my irritated, hungover brain right now.
I've had time to shed a few tears, which be be difficult for me at times. I'm gonna keep calm and carry on cause thats just what I do now. ;)

For those struggling with the holidays, they are usually hard for most people in various ways. Service people are pushed to the max. Loose their faith in humanity and the "Christmas Spirit". That is capitalism at work I guess.
My "service" situation has to do with the economy too and need. There just never will be enough resources and thats really difficult for me.

For those that have loss or lack of friends and family holidays are hard in a different way. So much loneliness and pain that its just heartbreaking. Perhaps just watching and hearing everyone rushing by on there way to and from, with you standing frozen. And some use drugs or alcohol to cope and end up hurting themselves worse. To you I say, stay strong. You CAN always be the person you WANT to be. You just can't give up!

Much love and holiday peace to all DS!
 
Fuck. When does this shit stop? I'm trying so goddamned hard to do everything I'm supposed to do to feel better. I'm doing all the "ing's" and keeping active, eating healthy...why the fuck do I still feel so shitty everyday? Who the hell goes on an 18 mile bike ride and cries for a few miles? Who has to stop a run to take a break not because they're tired but to half throw up and cry? This doesn't make any sense and I'm so tired of feeling like this. Medication isn't working and it's back to drinking to try and fall asleep and convince myself tomorrow will be different. A lot of fucking tomorrows have come and gone.
 
It's Christmas! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!

I wish I could come into these threads more often, and help you all as you do for me. I wish I could go through these posts, and have the will power to help each and every one of you. But I don't. I think it's because when I do I can't help but think of negative things, and in turn makes me feel melancholy for the rest of the world, and myself. As much as I want to help, I'm selfish in the sense that I can't allow myself to reach that mental space of negativity, I gotta stay positive as much as I can, it's how I survive.

So, it's Christmas. I'm sober, and will be for another week until I go back to New York. These patterns of sobriety are what get to me. Usually it's a week on, a week off of using substances. It's frustrating, because I quite frankly have no idea what I want as far as life goes. Do I want sobriety, or do I just want to have fun while I'm alive? I can't find a middle ground, and it's...almost scary. I sit and think if I ever want to stop taking drugs, and my answer is still no. Even after all I've been through, and have seen. I just want to get high. It's all I think about, and I'm constantly stuck in these loops.

I'm fortunate enough to not be addicted to anything in particular. I am, however, mentally addicted to being high. I constantly need something to look forward to. Even right now, as I sit here with no bud or anything, I load up a bowl of tobacco just to get a sense of perception changing, I don't even like smoking cigarettes! Sometimes I'll even sip on some alcohol just to get a little buzz. If I don't do these things, my life feels endless, spiraling and with no meaning. I need something to look forward to, and when I don't I get so wrapped up in loops and spiral into a fit of anxiety. I wish I never started doing drugs sometimes, just so I'd have no idea what it's like and all I'd know is reality as it is. Then I realize these thoughts are pointless because life is how it is right now, no point in thinking otherwise.

I feel like I'm constantly going insane because of these loops. I think morbid sad thoughts, and I don't want to but I always end up embracing them because it is who I am, and I have to learn to live with myself one way or another. To me, it's no wonder people commit suicide, because reality is relentless! I've thought about it so much, but I could never bring myself to end my own life. As miserable and anxiety driven as I am, I'm too scared to do it.

I just wanted to get that out there. I hope everyone is having Merry Christmas, and I hope everyone celebrates safely and responsibly!
 
i feel bad for getting fucked up for the holidays, but cant handle them without chemical help.


KiwiQflyer said:
Fuck. When does this shit stop? I'm trying so goddamned hard to do everything I'm supposed to do to feel better. I'm doing all the "ing's" and keeping active, eating healthy...why the fuck do I still feel so shitty everyday? Who the hell goes on an 18 mile bike ride and cries for a few miles? Who has to stop a run to take a break not because they're tired but to half throw up and cry? This doesn't make any sense and I'm so tired of feeling like this. Medication isn't working and it's back to drinking to try and fall asleep and convince myself tomorrow will be different. A lot of fucking tomorrows have come and gone.
Click to expand...

Indeed, when one puts so much effort into feeling better or being happy, its hard to have the perspective to notice improvements in yourself, especially because it takes time (no magic happy pills exist for longterm).
 
zombiesarepeaceful said:
Last year I would have complained, bitched and moaned on facebook about how lonely and pitiful I felt.
But lately I've been working on keeping that shit to a minimum when it comes to facebook and other places where people I know IRL will see it.
Click to expand...

I've been doing the same thing. It's so easy to post sad things on Facebook, but when you really think about it, all its doing is projecting a negative image of yourself onto everyone on your friends list. It's unnecessary and quite frankly why do we bother to do it? Nobody cares anyway. I've stopped posting by 75% on Facebook in the past year. It's so unnecessary.

Currently trying to relax. Since my last post, I've been getting more and more anxious, not sure why as I've been trying to pinpoint what exactly is causing my frustration. I just can't get out of these loops, these thought cycles. I was just spending some time with my father, cooking some food for tonight and he was genuinely trying to teach me to cook, but I was so uninterested. I mean, I was interested in pleasing him, making him feel good about spending time with me, but inside I couldn't stop thinking of other things. I couldn't stop thinking about my anxiety, which in turn just caused more anxiety. I started off the day with a "I'm gonna be positive today!" attitude, but now I'm just blah...

It's like my thoughts are at constant opposites of the emotional spectrum, in that I feel both extreme highs and extreme lows and I'm stuck in the middle mentally with no idea which direction to be going in. And it's constant, an unlimited loop of these feelings that I can't control or figure out. It's like being a genius because you know you are insane, and being insane because you know your a genius...complete opposites but all at once. I can't even explain it to myself, how am I gonna properly explain it to other people when I need help? This is what frustrates me. I try and try to explain, to figure out but I can never do it. And even when I do figure it out, I know I won't have it figured out for long because it just goes back into the cycle.

Sorry about these long posts I tend to make. I hate giving off the impression that I'm trying to be the center of attention, but I'm just ventilating, I mean nothing by these posts, just thinking out loud. But I read other posts here, and realize I'm not alone. Everyone is stuck in these loops, we are all trying to get out of them and we keep trying to help each other. It's only those moments of serenity that fix it, those moments when you feel like somebody else has it figured out, and it gives you hope that you can figure it out too. At least until you realize the person you thought had it figured out is just as clueless as you.
 
Now that I'm "sober" for the moment both the problems that I created from escaping by using drugs AND the problems I had prior to using drugs are coming back to bite me in the ass, tenfold. Why can't my brother not be retarded? Like literally mentally retarded. Why can't I say NO to people who don't mean much to me and why do I ALWAYS say not to the people I love and care about the most?
 
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