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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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Kiwi-- first off, I'm glad to see you posting in Venting. Your little bits in one-word were so disconcerting, because of the lack of context, and because there was clearly a lot more that wanted to be said.

I'm taking a bit of a risk here, and I just want to do so with the caveat that I don't want to invalidate your opinions, but rather to help you question them. No offence, attack, or implication meant. :)

Let me ask you a quick question if I may? Why does life need to have a purpose? If you enjoy the things that you do to occupy yourself, your friends, your hobbies, etc..., then why could that not be enough?

I've spent a lot of my life in deep depression, and spent a lot of that time, as most in that state do, in introspection. Usually pretty bleak, horribly vicious self-reinforcing negative self-talk, suicidal ideation and the like, but also a little bit of contemplation of why we are the way we are. I have no illusions that I have answers that might resonate with others, but I know that they work for me. And for me, I've found that there is no overarching purpose to life. We exist, we do what we do during the time we have, and then we no longer exist. The time we have is a gift, and it is incomprehensibly fortunate for any of use to have that gift; but that doesn't mean that any of us is here 'for a reason'. Do what you do well, and do what you enjoy-- if you're only here for a finite time, then it's best to enjoy that time as best you can.

One thing to note though: just because there is (IMO) no overarching purpose in any one life, that doesn't mean that we can't create purpose within the context of our own lives. The universe may not care if any of us lives or dies, but that doesn't mean that those around us don't. Purpose to life is a uniquely human concept as far as we can tell, and in that regard we should limit it to a uniquely human context. We are here to live life, and anything else that we add to that is icing on the cake.

Sobriety helps to see things more clearly, but a few drinks certainly helps to break down internal walls, albeit temporarily.
 
hmmm, I agree and disagree with you there Dave, am a bit too impaired to comment properly, will expand in the morning if I am up to it.

I do believe that some people have a real purpose in life, but the majority have to find their own purpose, or just have no purpose at all.

I'm beginning to think that having no purpose is the best of the 3. As then there is less pressure or responsibility, although having no purpose, not even a self created purpose is a lonely and depressing life to live :\
 
I do appreciate the response Dave. And I do enjoy the things I do. It's just that they're cheapened by the fact that I know they're flanked by depression. I hate to say they're just a distraction, because that means even my friends are just a distraction rather than an enjoyment. All the good times are just half assed because of that. And as far as needing a purpose...I really do, because otherwise it makes the depressing points unbearable. I mean, unless I can find a reason to endure them, the effort's just not worth it. If there's no purpose I don't see a reason to not just get fucked up beyond belief. Besides needing to have a job to supply the need to do so, but I've found that I can reasonably function in just such a state. Which, in and of itself, is rather depresssing.

Sorry to sound so bleak, but I am honestly trying. I mean, I'm trying the sobriety thing even though I don't really see it as worth a damn at this point in the game. And the fact that I'm here every day thus far is proof positive that I'm really fucking giving it my all.
 
I can relate to a lot of what you are saying Kiwi. I feel a lot of the time as though everything is just a distraction from death. It is depressing.

I have managed to find something to aim for though and a goal to pursue for my future, maybe something to give my life purpose. I'm saving up for a 6-12 month volunteering trip to Peru and Argentina, hoping to leave in spring 2013. The fact that I have chosen this purpose for my life is starting to give me motivation to do the day to day things to get to the goal that I have set. I hope that when I get back from volunteering I will spend my time raising funds for more volunteer work around the world. I believe that that is my purpose in life. To help others, and to help the environment and to volunteer around the world and to travel too.

I hope that you can find a purpose that suits you sometime soon.

My goal and "purpose" are by no means gong to instantly stop my self destructive pattern, that will still take time and work, but with the end goal in mind I think that it will be a lot easier to live my life daily than it is now. I will never know until I try it properly though.
 
Man, I feel bad expressing myself sometimes because I feel like I feel like it's going to bring other people down. too. But the thing is, I don't necesarily want death....I just fucking need something different. I feel like I've done so much of what life has to offer me. And if there's so much more, life better offer it the eff up. At any rate, I feel like making a difference to people doesn't actually make that big of a difference. I mean, our experiences are only validated by having other people around to witness them. Like memory--why we reminisce with old friends. So if I make a difference in a friend's life, that's great...but when that friend dies? When this generation passes? You might read about historical figures but it's not like you actually know them....and it certainly doesn't bring them to life. So that's where the needing a point thing comes into play.
 
I don't get this fascination with being "remembered" with gaining "recognition" That for me is not the purpose of life, that is just ego talking. The purpose of life is to live it to the fulllest, well try to anyway, I know it is incredibly hard when going through depression. "Recognition" and being "remembered" seem to crop up too much and I don't think that they are relevant to life at all. I think that we will take forward what we have done in this life to whatever comes next, or if there is no next then we will have at least done some good in the world. Who gives a flying fuck about recognition or being remembered :\


p.s. Sorry for the slight anger in my post, I just really don't understand the fascinaton with being remembered or being recognised for doing something :\
 
Kiwi, I'm right there with you. Its hard not to sit alone and think of these thoughts, how everything feels like one big distraction. It's easy to feel sometimes that life has no purpose, and I don't think it has a purpose. Perhaps the purpose of life is to find purpose on our own terms. It's not easy, not by a long shot. What's really hard, is finding a positive attitude and keeping it for weeks and months at a time. I often find myself having highs and lows throughout the year. I'll be doing good for a month or two, then out of nowhere and for no real reason I'll just crash and burn. I'll lose all sense of purpose, and just feel so sorry for myself and humanity because we have to go through this pain life deals us. It's a feeling of isolation and being dissociated with everyone you know. It suddenly becomes so easy to feel as though nobody cares about you as much as you thought they did. It becomes so easy to feel like you're worthless, and have no meaning to anybody in you're life. I hate those times of doubt. They usually last a few days for me, and then I go back to a more positive optimistic attitude because, well, what else am I gonna do? I'm not gonna allow myself to be miserable forever.

The past few days for me have been really shitty and I'm not even sure why. But I'm feeling better, and gaining back that optimistic and positive attitude. Looking back on these episodes of sadness, I can't help but feel it's all just a phase. It's too easy to be negative, and think of all the negative things in life. I also understand though that in those situations we can't exactly control our emotions or thoughts, they just kinda pull us along for a wild ride. The most we can really do is try our best to remain hopeful of the future. It's strange, but the one thing that makes me feel like shit also makes me feel good and positive. And that thing is imagination and thought. I constantly imagine and dream of better things. Bigger and better things. I imagine myself in perfect situations. I imagine being in love, being successful and having a family of my own. Dreams. And these dreams keep me hopeful. I gotta be, otherwise what else am I gonna be, negative? I don't want to be negative. I want to remain hopeful, and believe that each and every day will get better than the last. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case. But I try. It's the most we can ask of ourselves.
 
KiwiQflyer said:
Man, I feel bad expressing myself sometimes because I feel like I feel like it's going to bring other people down. too..
Click to expand...

NO feeling bad about expressing yourself- It is not allowed! ;)<3
This is what the vent thread and what TDS is about hun, believe me what you are doing in expressing this is expressing what most people here feel now/have felt or thought. Your honesty is helping yourself and others. As corny as this sounds, we are in this shit together...this stuff touches us all at some point, it happens alot to those who frequent here...I can personally testify to this. :)

Kiwi, it sounds to me like you're trying to find meaning in your life not just purpose.
When you say that ''experiences are only validated by having other people around us witness them'' that to some extent is true but it only holds completely true, on a certain level, if you have not realised the meaning you have on the things you are experiencing- these are yours and dont need to be validated by anyone!!(however we all need support and it can help) This is where real power comes from. You keep them with you...sure other people enrich our lives and we are dependent on them to an extent but I believe, in essence the dynamic that occurs between people and during experiences is fuelled by out intention and the meaning we hold and bestow on those occurences. So its not just objective but subjective too- it is the two combined.
Dammit I hope that makes some sense.

<3
 
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urrrrrgh people piss me off so much at times!!!!!!!

why change your mind at the last minute and expect me to make an important decision is the space of a few hours when i am already under a lot of stress??????


ffs!!!!!!!!
 
I really need to find another job. I want to work as many hours as I can so I can move out of this place I am now. I fucking hate it here.... I think living in a cardboard box would be much better than here at least then I would have privacy.... And no I am not talking about privacy from my mother but the people who run this program. They don't know when to stop. Ugh, enough is enough already I need to leave before I lose it.
 
I just went through my Facebook timeline (to clear out drug related posts and other incriminating materials) and I feel really strange.

I was so much motivated 5 years ago. I had dreams and I was working to achieving them and now I am just...

Why do I treat myself so badly? Why do I allow stupid thinks to undermine my dreams? :(

Things that do not matter in the long term, things that won't mean anything in a few years (months?)...

But I guess that's the beauty of life, the constant struggle to better yourself and unexpected obstacles that come up and that require genuine effort to overcome.
 
My Friend who phoned me today. Y U no realize that university physics is going to be hard if u no know math and Y U phone me to ask what a Bose-Einstein Condensate is and take two hours of my day up?!?!?

Seriously, people need to learn them selves some books, RTFM, and Google more often.
 
I don't understand why you have to hold grudges, can't communicate, and even as a grown man have to reduce yourself to name-calling and blackmail just to try and make yourself look better, and to make me look bad. Grow up and try to actually fix problems peacefully instead of blowing up and making yourself look like an immature fool.

I can say I'm sad all I want that all this shit is going on in my life right now, but at the same time it's such a relief to finally rid a pathetic excuse of a person such as yourself from my life. It's about time. Can't believe I put up with your shit for over a year. Can't believe someone could treat another so cruelly and without remorse. You will get what you deserve, and I hope all these people who you call your friends will someday also realize what a fucked-up person you are. Intentionally drugging, burning, and putting people through experiences no one should have to go through? Nearly killing several people without any remorse? Lying, manipulating, and deceiving others to get your way in life? Talking shit about everyone, and being a complete hypocrite all the time? How cool you are. Really.

I'm so pissed off at you right now. And I can say all these hateful things all I want, but at the same time I know that we're eventually going to have to make an effort to get along with one another at a minimal level, thanks to my sister moving into a house with you and two others. You can't take her away from me, no matter what extremes you go to, to try and make her hate me. She is my blood and one of my closest friends. And unlike you, will never betray the ones who are close to her.

But for right now, until New Years resolutions kick in, I just want to say what I've been wanting to tell you for so fucking long.
I fucking hate everything about you and I hope you rot in jail, you insensitive piece of shit. I'm so glad to finally get you the fuck out of my life. It felt so good to tell you FUCK YOU. I'm going to laugh and watch you go on your little downward spiral as I pick myself up and become the better person of us two. Don't think that, at your age, you can just keep being irresponsible and party all the time without any repercussions. You've nearly gotten yourself fired for being a moron many times before, and eventually your boss isn't going to put up with your lateness, irresponsibility, and rude attitude. Fucking die. I hope you finally fall asleep at the wheel and don't wake up before it's too late. Oh, and also, don't be calling me a fucking retard when you're the one who has autism, is psychotic, and has anger management issues. Hah!
 
oh god i am so sorry to hear that, you coping ok? I hope they both recover well and that the little girl is found safe and well.

my heart goes out to you, your family and your friend <3
 
Holy shit blurr. Here's hoping that the old superstition that bad news only comes in threes is right!
 
thanks you guys! yeah Dave I'm hoping it ends with threes ha! my friend's going to live it looks like, my grandma made it through tonight's surgery and probably making it through tonight. turns out my friend's sister is actually a year older than me (19) but she's of middle eastern descent and they're a very tight-knit, sort of family. and she's not into anything that would have compelled her to go missing like this, and it's scary with the fact she IS middle eastern and people prey on those types of women for reasons i'd not like to go into... >>

surprisingly though, I'm doing okay. Its kinda weird tho that I'm doing okay. It's almost like I killed off my feeling receptors. my grandma's dying, but I sit here A-OK. which makes me think this will lead to internal combustion at any moment, lol.
 
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