Second day in a row now, about 3 -6 hours of on and off again suicidal thinking, especially when the lights are off and I "watch tv". The gun is sitting there. .308, it will blow my head off, no chance of survival. So comforting, but then again I am scared to do it. I have not been outside of my room since new years. Fuck this life, i hate it. I hate my parents for having me . I really hate life fuck this. Not wding or coming down. In factbeen sober for ages so this realluy sober me.
I am so lonely and there is nothing I can do about it. I have no friends and there is nothing I can do about it. I have been broken in the spine the lower back if you will. I can not pick up the pieces. The only thing I have looking forward to is using my opiates once I deem my tolerance break over.
FUCK life fuck you all, fuck humanity, fuck everyone and everything. Why di my parents want kids for? Fuck this shit. The gun is right there, before I was very very close.I got to the point of picturing how it would be, just doing it. I stood still for a minute and just pictured this being NON EXISTANT. If i just pulled the triger this would all be gone, but then what?Hell? Eternity of limbo? Scared of that. Also feel for my parents crying while I am dead on the floor, or the mess I will make. Thought aobut poppn some seruqqoeul just to sleep, nah fuck that., again should I shoot myself, I had an idea just to get the gun load its clip but then just let it lay next to me. did not do it. Maybe I should...i would LOVE TO DIE. I was not asked if i wanted to be here on earth? Was I? NO i wasnt. FUCK THIS SHIT. I want to die, i do not want to exist. If i was asked If i wanted to be here or if i wanted to return to the tie before I was born, and u would never know just press this button, and no hell, I would press it right now. Maybe I sohuld press this trigger. FUCK LIFE FUCK U ALL FUCK EVERYTHING, I DONT WANT TO LIVE I DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE HERE. I WANT MY OPIATES should I shoot myslef??>> Maybe I just get the gun and let it sit near me, then I will thinkh more clearly. How sohuld I do it, in my mouth or my head? It is a rifle so maybe mouth would be easier, but what if i survive and i wake up hospital, or even worse, disabled but can still think?>? FUCK LIFE FUCK U