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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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it's been three years this month and i'm still not over my ex-fiancee

sat down to sing/play some songs on guitar just now (for the first time in weeks) and ended up sobbing cause one of the songs i sang made me think of our breakup... Pearl Jam - Black. always end up crying during the bit:

and now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything
all the pictures have all been washed in black, tattoo everything
all the love gone bad, turn my world to black
tattoo all i see, all that i am, all i'll be

and always end up pretty much screaming the next/last bit of the song:

i know someday you'll have a beautiful life
i know you'll be a star in somebody's else's sky
but why, why, why can't it be mine?

i've dated other girls since her, but she's still always the one my mind turns to...

new year's resolution: quit being a depressive piece of shit and move on with my life
 
thenightwatch said:
it's been three years this month and i'm still not over my ex-fiancee

sat down to sing/play some songs on guitar just now (for the first time in weeks) and ended up sobbing cause one of the songs i sang made me think of our breakup... Pearl Jam - Black. always end up crying during the bit:

and now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything
all the pictures have all been washed in black, tattoo everything
all the love gone bad, turn my world to black
tattoo all i see, all that i am, all i'll be

and always end up pretty much screaming the next/last bit of the song:

i know someday you'll have a beautiful life
i know you'll be a star in somebody's else's sky
but why, why, why can't it be mine?

i've dated other girls since her, but she's still always the one my mind turns to...

new year's resolution: quit being a depressive piece of shit and move on with my life
Click to expand...

this isnt something i would suggest to everyone, but what i found helpful was to force stuff like that onto me; movies, music, routines, material possessions laying about that i would of rather not have found on accident i went found intentionally first.

maybe think of it as allowing life to happen, rather then moving along with it, and if you love her be happy that she is safe, alive and well, and was not in an accident or something.
 
panic in paradise said:
if you love her be happy that she is safe, alive and well, and was not in an accident or something.
Click to expand...

thats the thing, i don't even know if she is alive and well. she's always been a very unstable person (suicide attempts, psych ward vacations)... and has blocked all contact with me. that might be for the best though.

i was a very stable person when she and i first started dating (full time job, full time school... even sorted and organized my sock/underwear drawer back then...).... and slowly over the course of our relationship i became less and less stable as her mood swings sort of drove me crazy myself... two unstable people maybe shouldn't be together....

still though i really miss her and wish we could at least talk once in awhile. its been more than a year now since i've heard from her.

she called me once in the summer a year and a half ago, and she seemed very unstable. then didn't hear from her for several months after.... i tried calling her a few weeks after that call, and her mother answered and told me that i shouldn't contact julia anymore.... fast forward a few months to december of that same year, and julia calls me again.... tells me that that night after we talked in the summer she attempted suicide (again) and was in the hospital/psych ward for a month or two... idk what i said or did (or if i even did anything wrong), but i still seriously beat myself up over the whole thing.... she said she just wanted to call me one last time to tell me she loved me before she attempted again, but i still blame myself...
 
emotions can be addicting by providing a feeling that might not be comforting, but is familiar, and more comfortable feeling then the unknown which is progressing out of that plethora of familiarity and into the open, which entails emotional vulnerability by allowing yourself to trust.

continuing to blame yourself could be a form of self sabotage,
by equating you to not be trust worthy and worth more.

<3
 
I'm pissed of at all this people who were heavily into drugs, at their very bottom and then something happens, they got clean and a few months later they're looking like a million bucks.

"Oh, I lost my job, totaled my car, got arrested 2348934 times, was disowned by family, my friends avoided me, my girlfriend left me, became homeless, was shooting dope on skid row, prostituting myself yadada yada yada....then I decided I just cant live like this anymore, got clean, went back to school, got an awesome job, made peace with family, got a gorgeus girlfriend, bought a new car and I NEVER BEEN SO GODAMN HAPPY AHAHAHAHHAHAH HAHAHAHA!!"

It seems like I dont have even a TRACE AMOUNT of the ability, that a lot of people out there seems to have, of collecting things (job, school, car, house, girlfriend, whatever the fuck).
 
I hope you don't get too mad
this boy is being bad
I'm mackin on your cute chick
I ain't no homewrecker but ill wreck your shit
she comin over to kick it with
this white boy and his swagger, shit
I'm about to pop it off
hole in one like a game of golf
I got your gal on lock
take her from your arm back to my spot
soon you'll be rockin frowns
while I give your girl her princess crown
damn it feels good to be back
top of the world is where im at.
bitch!
 
I'm 19 and feel like I'm 45.... my mother and I swapped places such a very long time ago.... I wish I could of just been a kid... it's so unfair how I never really had the chance to be. I laugh at all the adults who say I am still not a "grownup" because of my age. It's funny to me because I've been through so much shit... more than they will ever go through in their whole life. I also pay rent, the phone bill, electric, my tuition, food... ect but I'm still only a "child." I wish.. maybe then I could have experienced what it would have been like to live but no I just have to worry about surving. I never lived, I only survived.... I'm still only surviving and I'm still holding onto the wish that maybe one day I will be able to live.
 
Second day in a row now, about 3 -6 hours of on and off again suicidal thinking, especially when the lights are off and I "watch tv". The gun is sitting there. .308, it will blow my head off, no chance of survival. So comforting, but then again I am scared to do it. I have not been outside of my room since new years. Fuck this life, i hate it. I hate my parents for having me . I really hate life fuck this. Not wding or coming down. In factbeen sober for ages so this realluy sober me.

I am so lonely and there is nothing I can do about it. I have no friends and there is nothing I can do about it. I have been broken in the spine the lower back if you will. I can not pick up the pieces. The only thing I have looking forward to is using my opiates once I deem my tolerance break over.

FUCK life fuck you all, fuck humanity, fuck everyone and everything. Why di my parents want kids for? Fuck this shit. The gun is right there, before I was very very close.I got to the point of picturing how it would be, just doing it. I stood still for a minute and just pictured this being NON EXISTANT. If i just pulled the triger this would all be gone, but then what?Hell? Eternity of limbo? Scared of that. Also feel for my parents crying while I am dead on the floor, or the mess I will make. Thought aobut poppn some seruqqoeul just to sleep, nah fuck that., again should I shoot myself, I had an idea just to get the gun load its clip but then just let it lay next to me. did not do it. Maybe I should...i would LOVE TO DIE. I was not asked if i wanted to be here on earth? Was I? NO i wasnt. FUCK THIS SHIT. I want to die, i do not want to exist. If i was asked If i wanted to be here or if i wanted to return to the tie before I was born, and u would never know just press this button, and no hell, I would press it right now. Maybe I sohuld press this trigger. FUCK LIFE FUCK U ALL FUCK EVERYTHING, I DONT WANT TO LIVE I DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE HERE. I WANT MY OPIATES should I shoot myslef??>> Maybe I just get the gun and let it sit near me, then I will thinkh more clearly. How sohuld I do it, in my mouth or my head? It is a rifle so maybe mouth would be easier, but what if i survive and i wake up hospital, or even worse, disabled but can still think?>? FUCK LIFE FUCK U
 
ugh. i just told her that i didn't feel comfortable with her representation anymore and that for any further matters i was going to need to be represented by someone else. she started crying. i am a highly empathetic kind of dude and i do not feel bad for her one bit. she has totally failed me on multiple occasions and is doing her absolute best to fail me again. i am in total 'fuck this shit' mode. do your damn job and enforce the contract. they are violating it. assuming that things are taken care of hasn't worked a single time yet and it is not going to work this time either. do your damn job.

also, i work overnight and you damn well know that i am normally asleep at 8am. stop fucking calling me and waking me up. i know you are calling when you think i won't answer and that you think you're going to get away with leaving a message, but surprise, that shit isn't going to work either.
 
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now that i moved i have to go see a new doctor.... first visit = mountains of paperwork and my whole life story five times over just using different wording

i am nervous i hope i like who i see....
 
Serotonin101 said:
my patience and ability to be polite is wearing thin with you...
Click to expand...

^ was that directed at me.... why do i care so much?
i really shouldnt care this much ug
this is why i have no friends

and if it was directed at me you clearly have absolutely no concept of how much anxiety i have..... enough for this to make me freak out....fuck fuck fuck
 
it's rare i have any definable emotions. i am not sure i really have any definable ones. to make it comedic, let's say like dennis from its always sunny. except it isn't funny, you know, out of that context.
i told my psych i need my klonopin upped and he's making me wait a MONTH when i have a serious deadline i need to get all my shit together by.
i started donating plasma, i have to take extra pills to do it (because of the blood pressure test). on the way back from doing that i came by some obvious travelling kids.
i randomly let two crusty kids drink with me and through it met a cool neighbor downstairs so i guess something good came of it although i had to resist strong come ons of a train hopper.
i am trying to prove to my ex i'm changing and called his house too late again drunk, so i resolved not to drink at all.
this was all before drinking with the people i met so thank god my phone or internet didn't come into it and i didn't bother him.
if we end up getting back together i basically can't ever drink because it does make me a horrible person. i just need to be on more meds than doctors like to prescribe. he told me he would up them, i told him it was an emergency. so what does he do? waits til next month, then he writes the script for TEN DAYS AT A TIME TWICE so it's still a monthly script, i just have to get it filled more.
i have one of those biohazard bags from the ER (i like to take them) mostly filled with vistaril i don't take because it's goddamn tic tacs and every morning i take paxil i think about brain candy, kids in the hall.
 
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