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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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I'm not asking anyone for help anymore. They say at the time they don't mind, but at the first chance it's thrown back in my face. My position is a big enough burden by itself, and I'm not going to have it, and your charity, used against me as a weapon. If I swim I swim, and if I sink, I fucking sink. I know I fucked up in the past, and I'm trying with every fiber of my being to stay clean so I don't do it again. And thank you for bailing me out of my mistake(s).

But I refuse to let you shame me with it anymore. Just because I won't bend over backwards at your every little whim and fancy, when I'm in fact trying to do the reasonable thing, that makes me an ungrateful bastard? No.

I love you, but fuck you for that. Like I said, I'm done asking you for help. I know you're going to perceive this as me being petty, withdrawn and trifling, and you're probably even going to accuse me of relapsing.

I'm just done. I'm not going to give you any more ammo, I'm taking your trump card off the table. It's time for me to either man up and show out, or prove myself to be the fucking failure you see me as.

Whichever way it turns out, I'll have the satisfaction or affirmation of knowing that *I* earned it.

I love you, but fuck your self-absorbed charity.
 
Fucking friends :!

For once in my life I actually wanted to do something for my birthday. I'd found out that there was a doof being held on the day and tried to organize a group of close friends to all go for the weekend as it's cheap and extremely fun. Have been organizing this for months. Find just now on FB that they have other plans and 'forgot' that I was trying to do something. I've never done anything for my birthday unless it's with family/partner. I now feel like I'm a piece of shit that doesn't deserve anything.

This is why I hate people and don't put any effort into seeing my so called friends.
 
I don't know what's been going on the past few days but I just seem to be accumulating as much bad news a possible.
Saw this guy I really liked be a total pig and practically assault a girl, guy I was supposed to go on a date with turned out to be a complete asshole, got a call from a past hook-up last night saying he's got gonorrhea and I should go get tested, found out who the man who raped me was a few hours ago. This just couldn't get any worse, and I don't even have any drugs available at hand to numb the pain.
 
Pagey said:
I don't know what's been going on the past few days but I just seem to be accumulating as much bad news a possible.
Saw this guy I really liked be a total pig and practically assault a girl, guy I was supposed to go on a date with turned out to be a complete asshole, got a call from a past hook-up last night saying he's got gonorrhea and I should go get tested, found out who the man who raped me was a few hours ago. This just couldn't get any worse, and I don't even have any drugs available at hand to numb the pain.
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Oh man :( I'm so sorry.

Are you pressing charges?
 
hthr007 said:
Oh man :( I'm so sorry.

Are you pressing charges?
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Thank you <3

I don't know yet. I really don't want to get involved in a trial and bring all my friends and family into it, I just don't know if I have the strength. I haven't even been able to tell anyone about it, aside from 2 people who barely know anything. There's also no evidence of what happened so it would be my word against his...I just don't know what to do. I want him to pay for it so, so bad but I don't know if I can do anything about it :(
 
to the new girl at work who told me she could get 'everything'

I really appreciated the ride home from the bar the other night, and I love drugs too. What a great conversation we had. I especially liked the part where you said you could get 'everything'. Of course I'm going to ask because you said 'everything', and you were so quick to rundown your list.
When you said heroin, I had to ask. And I did.
And now it turns out you can't get 'everything'. Something about your friend getting busted by the DEA. Wow, how crazy is that? It's almost...EXCITING
I'm not pissed about the false sense of hope your big mouth bs gave me, I'm pissed that your big mouth is now telling my co workers I do dope. I need this job
This is all my fault but now my current employment has the shelf life of a banana
 
eating healthy and exercising are two easy ways to be happy. but they are so hard.
 
I'm still crying because of what I went through and I'm not sure if I'll ever be all right with it.
 
Pagey said:
I don't know what's been going on the past few days but I just seem to be accumulating as much bad news a possible.
Saw this guy I really liked be a total pig and practically assault a girl, guy I was supposed to go on a date with turned out to be a complete asshole, got a call from a past hook-up last night saying he's got gonorrhea and I should go get tested, found out who the man who raped me was a few hours ago. This just couldn't get any worse, and I don't even have any drugs available at hand to numb the pain.
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<3 Sent you a PM, Pagey. Be strong.
 
The past month has been so low. I want to just let lose for a bit on a couple of points of IV meth or some heroin. I'd also like Xanax aswell, but I'm just after a mind blowing rush tbph, and as soon as I get the cash together I'm going to score.
 
I'm feeling somewhat better now just being able to say that.

Anyone is free to PM me if they need someone to talk to. <3
 
In relation to my post from yesterday...I can't deal with this, I can't deal with knowing who that man is. I feel like I should be relieved but it makes it all so much more real. It's making it all come back. I'm about to shoot up heroin for the first time. I've heard there's no coming back from that but I need to get out of my head or I don't know what I'll do. I know I'll regret this so much one day and I know this is probably gonna be the start of a full-blown addiction but that's better than dealing with my thoughts. I'm done trying.
 
I only write this because it is true for many others too, not to seek for myself a pat on the back, but for others to give themselves one more often. I am not denying schizophrenia as a progressive disease with physical and psychological symptoms, along with psychological defects.

I had a Dr who diagnosed me with schizoaffective after what I would describe to him, that he related to as symptoms of "Schizoaffective disorder w/ depressive features". Fast forward 13 years, and over the course of 3 years while on my own, not around the same people who related to me as schizoaffective, I have seen 3 psychiatric Drs who discredited the diagnosis and removed it from my medical record.

It is obvious now that I was not truthful about the "symptoms" I would list, I was an angry teenager on drugs who then had that serious label to fall back on to, proving to myself the inherent lack of ability to do more then I was comfortable with, which was drugs and isolating. There were many friends and acquaintances who would me tell me that I was not schizo, and should seriously get off the medication, my response though was that the reason I seem normal is because of the medication. Thinking about those days and how awkward, withdrawn, and unmotivated I was, there is no other reason I can see for that behavior besides the daily use of prescribed heavy tranquillizers. But that is how I thought I was, and worse while not on the medications.

Please consider how tricky and complex our minds are, and how that can work to your benefit before making choices that are not worth the risk.
 
I've been at some low points in my life, but these last few months have been the lowest.

I just gave up a few months ago. Settled into the life of shooting dope everyday. My tolerance has skyrocketed. I'm doing shots that would have killed me 2 or 3 times over last spring. I stopped caring about my appearance. I think this is the longest I've ever gone without a haircut.

I'm not sure where to go from this point. I'm at the bottom and picking myself up might be the easy part. Making it long term is going to be tough. Just focusing on hour by hour right now. It's early Friday morning, I used some suboxone between yesterday morning and Tuesday night, when I did my last shot. Tuesday morning, real early around 3am, I had started going into WDs. I ended up copping that day around 1pm. By that point I was full blown dope sick, starting to whimper in my car when the dope man said another 10 minutes. I ended up shooting 16 bags that day, and never came close to a nod. I'm 24 hours off of all opiates, even though I'm prescribed suboxone. Just feel like trying to cold turkey it. My punishment for my lack of care.

My stomach hurts right now. I'm hot, I'm cold. I'm hot again. I did sleep for around 3 hours earlier. That was sweet at least. I'm usually not a fan of the cold turkey method, but I'm giving it a go at least. I can always fall back on sub if need be. I'm trying to stay occupied. Hence me typing a post here at 5:26am.
 
Carl, I'm really sorry and I hope that this works for you. I don't think you deserve punishment but if you look at it as letting yourself feel the full extent of what the drug is doing to you, I guess I can see your point. Just be careful that you aren't getting into the rut of self-blame because then that becomes a trigger in itself! Take care, buddy. Hope sleep is your friend again soon.<3
 
I want a permanent release from anxiety and depression. Never would have thought I'd be like I am years ago. Fuck
 
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