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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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Reality is relentless...

This rant doesn't deserve a brand new shiny thread for it to call home. I don't even feel it should have a post of its own, but I need to express these feelings somehow. I guess this is the best way I know how in this moment.

Reality. My best friend, and my worst enemy. I just can't come to accept it. I try, I really do...but I can't. Even in those moments when all is right, everything is perfect...even then I know I don't fully understand what is happening, or understand these emotions I'm feeling. All I can tell is I feel good, but those moments never last. Nothing lasts, we all know this. Life is forever changing. And while I love it, I hate it.

I love life and its infinite beauty. It's an experience, and I'm grateful to have this experience. But its all I know. I'm so tired of it. I want a perfect reality. My imagination, my hopes and dreams far exceed what my reality is capable of producing. I feel so alone in this thought, so alone in general. My reality is mine alone, but that's not enough. I want to share my feelings, express them to everyone to see and feel. I want them to see the beauty I see, and understand what I understand. But at the same time, I don't because as much as I try to deny it, I know my reality isn't good enough. It's not good enough for me, so I'd never want somebody I care for to have to experience something I know is not on par with what I want for them.

I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. I started this with an idea I wanted to express. Why? I don't know. Now I've ended up someplace I never meant to end up at in the first place.

I'm tired of reality. I'm tired of being miserable. I'm tired of relying on chemicals to be happy. Most of all I think I need to feel loved and needed. I have nobody but myself and my drugs. I don't want it anymore. I want something better. But it's reality. It's relentless. It's all hopeless.
 
I believe the perfect reality exists within the imperfect reality. What would life be if all we experienced was happiness and pleasure, or misery and pain? We need one to emphasize the other. Don't set standards for life, take what you have and change what you can. I'm obviously not trying to chew you out or criticize, I know this is a rant thread, but just take that into consideration. Don't be afraid to express yourself. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss.

Nothing but death is permanent. Understand that.
 
My beautiful cat Smoodge passed away last night. I am completely devastated.
I knew something wasn't right with his health, he'd been off his food for about a month but I'd had all his bloods tested and they were all fine. Because his bloods were all normal I thought it might've been psychological that he wasn't eating as much, and I wasn't really that concerned anymore because he'd started to put weight back on and was otherwise totally fine. Last night when I was at my parents place my boyfriend called to say Smoodge was really sick and he was taking him to the vet. He called back about half an hour later to say that the vet wanted to euthanaise him right away. There was no way I was letting them do that until I was there with him for it, and to say goodbye, but I was an hour's drive away and I'd had wine so I couldn't drive. I spoke to the vet to see if they could just maintain him overnight on a drip and with pain relief and she said he definitely wouldn't last the night :(
So my boyfriend drove out to pick me up so we could both be there to put him to sleep, but Smoodge died at the vet before I got there :(
He had a massive tumour in his chest cavity, so we couldn't feel it through his ribcage (I'd been feeling him all over and in his abdomen for lumps for weeks because I suspected something was up). I just don't understand why it didn't show up on his blood tests that something abnormal was going on.

I still went to say goodbye, I sat there patting him for about 20 minutes. I could've kept patting him for hours.

It sucks I didn't get to say goodbye properly, and that neither of us were there with him when he died. The vet had given him a sedative upon his arrival at the clinic because he was really stressed, so I'm hoping he wasn't panicked when he died, and that he just went to sleep.

The house is so empty without him....and the other cats keep looking around for him. Smoodge had been with me through so much and he was such a unique and amazing cat. I've met hundreds of cats in my lifetime and he was by far the loveliest and the most affectionate animal I'd ever come across. He was only 8 years old :(

RIP Smoodge <3 :(

smoodgey.jpg
 
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I'm so sorry to hear for your loss n30. It's too bad you didn't get to see him before he died, but at least you got those last 20 minutes with him. It's so sad to lose these things, but at least he's out of his misery. Lotsa love <3
 
K, fucking CareNow told me I had tonsillitis yesterday and have me steroids and amoxicillin. Today, still full body/leg aches and haven't eaten since yesterday morning.

I called them and they called me right before they closed and told me I could come in and see them or go to the ER, because it might not be tonsillitis "oh we're actually closed now." Fuckkkkkkkk you reject doctors. Prescribing antibiotics without blood counts. I thought they fucking tested it. That is unethical.

You seriously can't call in tramadol? (not that I asked) argghhhhh I just want to sleep for more than two hours and eat food.
 
herbavore said:
He has such a beautiful, soulful face. RIP Smoodge. You were a well loved cat. I'm soooo sorry n3o(((<3)))
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indeed. :-( animals are special. They're always around for you, and happy to hang out, never getting bored. It's a shame they can't live longer. I think of my crazy childhood pups all the time.

My airedale would get hot down here in Texas, so he would chill out in the nice cold bathtub. People would use the restroom and he would freak out, then them, which wound him up more, and he'd get all worked up and start slipping. Hilarious stuff.
 
fuck i feel so useless. isn't the MXE after-glow supposed to feel euphoric? i just feel like shit and i feel i need drugs to make m y anxiety dissipate. i want to take some xanax and/or klonopin right now and just melt away and forget about everything but i have used so much these past few weeks. fuck, maybe it's a sign of w/d. whatever, i have to work soon which is like adding gasoline to a fire...i feel like i NEED some weed or something right now, badly or i am going to break..


i am going to smoke some weed now, but some days i wish i had something else to comfort meother than marijuana/drugs, like friends or a girl-friend. it's just so easy to sulk in the darkness and never try to meet to new people, idk. whatever fuck it, i just woke up 10 minutes ago and im going to get myself soo stoned i wont be able to function for a couple hours..
 
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@n3o: <3

It's never easy when a beloved pet passes. Strength and comfort to you in this tough time.
 
@N30: Aw hun...damn... am so sorry to hear about Smoodge <3 I remember you posting about him being adopted and how affectionate he was, in Pets Photo Thread. You gave him a wonderful home and plenty of TLC, am sure you were/still are a wonderful reflection of each other. <3
 
making my mom cry,
only makes me smile.

telling her to act like a mom and that im on the verge of suicide,
only brings me joy.

i hate to do this,
i feel like im in a dream, i cant even tell if she deserves it or not. i just do it.
i know my dad fersure deserves it, but i dont feel like hes worth the effort.
mom acts like she knows shit, "oh pot is bad for you! well who cares if alchohol is worse for you, you still shouldnt smoke pot!" and the best part is, when she found me smoking, the entire time she bitched at me, i was holding back a huge smile. haha she thinks that me smoking weed is bad?
i cant even imagine the look on her face if she found out about the other stuff in my life.
freaking amph addict,
anorexic one day and buffets the next,
so much other stuff i dont feel like whining about.

TDS i really need help :(
she wont take me to a psychiatrist to get prescribed AD's because she thinks im a pot-head.
i smoke weed like twice a month :|
and i really doubt anything will change in the future,
i hate to be mean to her but it makes me happy...?
 
I'm right in assuming you still live with them right? It's tough when parents work against you with drugs, especially when it's weed. 24 times a year is almost nothing, so I dont see why she won't take you to see a psychiatrist. Quite ridiculous. How much longer do you have to live with them before you can get out? Just think of it that way. Do your best to survive each day with the best confidence that you have. You seem like you're pretty tied down to, are there any other adults that you can talk to?
 
2 weeks, without drugs (weed). I am unhappy and in pain. Stress levels are building up, and I don't have any way of dealing with that.

Add to that, I have zero friends or any social outlet other than work, and minor conversations while I buy food at the store. I didn't go outside at all this weekend.

I've been depressed for months. Masturbation has become a boring, joyless task, without orgasm (i still cum, but don't feel good). This saddens me greatly.

I wish I had could rip some toenails off, just to feel something, but there is nothing left to rip off :(
 
kaywholed said:
2 weeks, without drugs (weed). I am unhappy and in pain. Stress levels are building up, and I don't have any way of dealing with that.

Add to that, I have zero friends or any social outlet other than work, and minor conversations while I buy food at the store. I didn't go outside at all this weekend.

I've been depressed for months. Masturbation has become a boring, joyless task, without orgasm (i still cum, but don't feel good). This saddens me greatly.


I wish I had could rip some toenails off, just to feel something, but there is nothing left to rip off :(
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That sucks man I know what you mean. Worst thing about depression is how everything around you seems to become so much smaller and unimportant. You talk to people less, think to yourself a lot more, and the world in general seems to take on this cold gray tone. Things begin to lose their meaning and soon you just feel like this meaningless molecule of air just drifting through the wind. No purpose or nothing to look forward to than dealing with the motions of the world.

However. Its still important to remember that as small as a molecule of air may be, and how unimportant its life. That piece of air is still being taken in by someones lungs. Your existence in this world is still in someway contributing to the rich & diverse beauty of the entire universe. Everything in a way is small its relative to what you compare it too. But its weird how when we are depressed and we look around us we just feel like everyone else is doing better or happy or doesn't have the type of problems we do. And no I do not know why you are depressed or how to fix it but just never forget you are not the only one. Because I've noticed that is usually one of the first things I forget any time I become depressed. Its not just the depression thats so bad but how things appear around you. And the fact is a lot of people go through it so try to not get too wrapped up in the emotions that come with it. What I usually try to do what I'm depressed is stop taking life so seriously, its definitely a gross oversimplification of things but for me I do find that *sometimes it does definitely help.

Gluck man
 
N3o.. <3

laCster - MXE may well have detrimental effects on our mood if used regularly, did you read the paper Cane posed in BDD? Shoot me a pm if not and I'll dig it out for you.. it really sounds like it might be a good idea to take a break for a bit, see how you feel without it.. It's so easy to paper over the holes in your life with drugs, but ultimately it won't make you happy.. Do you have any ways of getting out and meeting new people? Maybe start getting some exercise too, instead of all the poly-drug use? It sounds like you've got yourself stuck in a bad cycle but you can definitely pull yourself out of it <3

Fyasko - I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time with your mother! It definitely sounds like you need some extra support at the moment.. is there no way at all you can get to a doctors by yourself, without your mother? Are you at school/college at the moment? If so, is there a counsellor you could see? That might really help.. <3

Kaywholed - at the moment I am the same, I have very little human contact, I know how it feels.. is there anything you can do to change your situation? Any way of reaching out and meeting new people? <3

Bojangles - that is an excellent description of the flat-viciousness of depression... and I like your way of helping yourself :)

Today I feel rubbish.. I miss my boyfriend so much, the flat is an empty shell without him.. have had a friend to stay but I've had a horrible cold and slept through most of her visit, and she's going today and I'll be on my own again :( need to get people round, but it's so hard when I'm exhausted and fluey! Gah...
 
Been sober far too long. All I can think about is getting drugs inside me. It's like a grinding feeling in my chest and abdomen. Spent my last pennies on some cheap vodka on the weekend, but now that's gone. It seems everything i'm doing now is just some facade or distraction to get my mind off my desire not to be sober.
It's not even withdrawals or anything. I've only used drugs 4-5 times in the last 3 months. But I just sit here thinking about it all the time. I don't care what I get, alcohol, K, opis, whatever. Just need something, anything. Gah.
 
... i could save money and eat more often if i stayed in a hotel over the winter.

the next 3 months will cost more then $5,000. and there will be nothing to show for it, that not including food.
 
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