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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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I use to do a lot of venting when I felt bad but I figure I will vent that for the last 4 days I have felt like an utter champion. I have literally been riding this potent natural high now and I can't help but attribute it to my recent drastic change in diet. I have been doing nothing but binging 4-5 times a day on the most nutritious healthiest foods I can find. 2 of those meals being liquid (all veggies) cause I still haven't gotten my digestion back 100% but at least the terrible stomach aches are begining to go away too.

Work FLEW by today. I was relaxed and focused, clear thinking, witty, energetic, I really fucking love this. I just can't believe how stupid I was for so long not eating literally any vegetables whatsoever. Maybe 1 serving a week and sometimes went months w/out having a single veg or fruit to eat. I am really such a stupid fucking person. Just to think how many years I suffered feeling old and worn out, so many health problems. Every time I'd dip into a funk I'd blame drugs or god and never even considered this had anything to do with my diet.

I truely feel reborn and I can't remember the last time I've this many good days in a row. I use to wake up and want to cry in the morning would go straight to my sugary coffee and cigs and not eat all day long till night when I'd usually grab some shitty fast food. But I have eating an avg of 3lbs of veggies and fruits a day FFS I went through an entire 1lb of carrots alone today. I almost feel like veggies are becoming my new "drug" I just can't get over how potent these things really must be. THIS is the person I use to be. I feel young, I feel happy, I feel so g/damn motivated to keep this lifestyle up I just deal with stress so much better on this diet its unbelievable.

Its inevitable this is going to effect me greatly and my solution for all the worlds problems now will likely be to eat your veggies.. I just hope BL can put up with it. Man for once I just don't have a single fucking thing in this world to complain about and I really can not emphasize how good that feels to me. Amazing these little green things what they can do to your brain.

gluck my fellow BL's I really hope one day all you guys can feel better one day its just so liberating to actually feel healthy for once I even talk clearer now I'm not even kidding. I was begining to have issues articulating words I had NO idea it was because of how severely malnourished I had become. Thats what it must feel like to be anorexic or bulemic food is just so friggn important I will never in my life neglect it again.
 
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Bo, isn't that an awesome feeling? You deserve it, after all. As to issues to articulating... I've been stuck in a rut for quite some time (and I eat tons of veggies :) )

Keep riding it out, man (but don't turn orange from all those carrots!) :D
 
Thanks man! I have honestly never just gone on about my days with a smile on my face but recently its like I can't stop smiling. I'm just realizing so many things now like why I never seemed to get a boost from my morning coffee, why cigs seemed to stop satisfying my brain, why my suboxone seemed to get so much weaker. It was all cause of the acidity of my blood. I had no idea that if you become malnourished your blood becomes acidic and your intenstines stop absorbing calories/nutrients from your food. I just thought I had bad digestion from the sub everytime I'd shit my food out looking nearly the same as when it went in. The was what scared me the most I think when I realized my body was no longer breaking down and processing my foods.

The other day I had a cup of coffee and got this speedy jolt of stimulation from it. Like out of nowhere my coffee just started to work lol after all these years. If I have a cig now it holds me over so much longer till I feel I need another one. My body seems to have started using nutrients again I KNEW I had health issues I just had no idea how severe they actually were.

It really does feel great man I just feel like I have so much thanks for so many different reasons and its such a surreal feeling to realize there was actually a specific solution to my issues for once. I really got nothing but love for these forums now I was really becoming so miserable a person and feeling so stuck and now I just feel free like a bird. Moving to sub had helped a lot in terms of controlling my addiction but this was definitely that last missing piece of the puzzle. I feel like I like people too now lol I've been so nice to people since all this went down this week and only now am I begining to realize what a total asshole I was starting to become. It was all related to the syndrome and now as long as I do what the doctor says I even doubt I will be snapping at people on here like I use to.

Life is just really crazy sometimes how things pan out. We all really gotta start taking care of not only ourselves but each other. And maybe now I'll be able to have a lot more patience and empathy for people than I use to. I just feel so different I don't even know how to put it into words.

love all you mfkrs
 
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I never knew that about blood turning acidic. I'm gonna think on that now.
I hope this new feeling becomes your new baseline. If it turns out to be so then you got this thing called life covered!
 
I'm glad to see you're taking charge Bojangles. Sometimes its so easy to ignore the little things that make all the difference in the world :)
 
I'm ssuch a fuckin udot I broke my three month sobriety and over alcohol not even drugs like wtf. I mean I was so happy but I'm fookin stupid and the bad thing is my mom brought me this alcohol....she felt bad but she caved in I told her to buy it or I wasd going to go to the bar where eighteen year olds are allowed in and she was like nbooooo and she didn't want me going to the rave in york tonight. So I feel very awful but then I'm fucking happy to be drunk!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which I don't get even though my mom poured a cup but won't dtink it and she hates alcohol! Alcoholism runs on both sides for me and I binge drink when I drink cause I only drink to get drunk.. Damn I'm a fuckin idiot...but I'm still drinking more. Wow -_______- I am horrible since I manipulate people. ): why did I drink???? Three months sober and I kept koicking all my cravings and now I want to drink and go get high /:
 
You aren't an idiot. You can't expect to win this battle your first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth (I'm sure you get the idea) time. All you can do right now is pick yourself up of your feet when you're ready and move on. You aren't a bad person, but this is how drugs affect people. Addictions will bring out the worst in people. And alcohol is still a drug my friend, affects people the same way illicit drugs do. Don't let your guilt judge who you are, it's okay to feel remorse for something you feel bad about but tearing yourself apart about is just causes counter productivity to sobriety. "Oh I'm a fucking idiot, I'm a horrible person" only promotes the use of drugs to cover up your shame, as that is how addicts cope with their problems. Just hang in there, this is a war you can win.
 
Thank you your words do mean a lot, I ended up pouring the rest of the alcohol down the sink last night. I just can't believe I broke my three months of sobriety and it fucking sucks. Especially over alcohol and I hate alcohol.... If I end up drinking it's usually a bad idea because I just drink and drink until I make a fool out of myself. I know its a drug and the shit it has done to a lot of my family members should make me stay away from it. Yes, it wasn't any opiates I did but I still am upset. Last night it didn't seem like a big problem beforehand but after the fact I can now see it was... I just don't want to end up dead like so many other people I knew. Especially cause I'm so young and am suppose to have so many more years ahead of me.
 
Don't think of yourself as breaking sobriety. It was a blip - and instead of letting it take you over, you tipped the rest of the alcohol away! That makes you incredibly strong and you should be proud <3

It is okay to feel upset - that is natural, and protective against it happening again - but don't turn that upsetness inwards. Be upset at the act, not at the doer. You tipped it away afterwards. You did good. You want to live and you want to be sober - those are amazing things, hold onto them <3
 
what the hell are you supposed to do when your "dad" takes his misery out on the entire family.
yeah your life fucking sucks, your fat, you smoke weed, you have a crappy job in LA, and you cant tolerate anything.
but that all your fault.
your a catholic peice of shit, do you really feel like God would want you to hate someone because they love a person of the same gender? regaurdless of being born that way or not NO ONE should hate another person because they love someone of the same gender.
you smoke weed (illegally, WITHOUT a med card) which makes you fat
you dont workout - contributing to your obesity.
your a raging alchoholic, only giving me another reason to hate you
and now you come home and yell at mom? crushing her dreams?
i come home only to hear you telling her that the only good thing about her life the past 10 years is that she's lost a few pounds, and tell her how she shouldnt try and go hiking or do fun things anymore.
get a fucking heart.
catholic? bull fucking shit.
i dont even wanna call you dad, you dont deserve it.

you know whats fucking sad?
watching The Sixth Sense, and this little boy is hugging his mom and they're both crying about how they miss their dad,
and i fucking start to cry. i haven't cried in over 2 years, i just want a real dad. i just wanna know, for even a minute, how it feels to have a real dad.

oh, and on top of that?
back to binge-eating.
yup, 3000calories of pure carbs minimum,
which leads to me spending all of my money on diet pills.
havin a great time staying up all night tweaked the hell out on Who-knows whatever they put in there.
lmao great. just great.
 
Haters gonna hate. some people just are there to spread their misery and self hatred onto everybody else in the world. It's sad, but you can't change them. You can only live on,and do your best to ignore the lies he throws at you. I'd imagine it's tough not having a father who loves you, and honestly I don't know what to say to that, because it's something I've never had to experience. If you ever need to talk or somebody to blow some steam off to, feel free to message me.
 
Fyasko.. I'm falling asleep, so will formulate a better reply tomorrow, but just wanted to send so much <3 your way..

Badfish, sorry I've not been about to chat with lately - I hope you are doing okay too. Really glad you are in TDS and helping others in this way <3
 
Thank you effie <3

And I thought things couldn't get any worse but my ex-boyfriends mother just added me on facebook and I hit accept. My boyfriend who was my best friend died on April 18th, 2011 from a heroin overdose... His "friends" rushed him to the hospital and he was in a drug induced coma and later died. I still can't get over his death and I think talking with his mother is going to open up even more wounds that have never even had the chance to heal. I don't know how talking with her will go because in the end I hate her. She's a drug abuse counselor but threw her son out in the street instead of helping him. That was her fucking son! She just wasn't there for him and now to have her coming into my life because she misses her son is I don't know... I don't know why I hit accept nor do I know what to say to her. This topic is really hard on me and its been 6 months but I still can't accept the fact he died. His birthday is November 27 and he would of been 20 but now he's gone, he died too young. The worst thing is I didn't go to his funeral... I couldn't do it and also the fact his mom decided to have him buried out where she lived which I don't get. So honestly I have no closure and me talking to his mother is just going to bring me to even more tears.
 
xstayfadedx:

Remove her as a friend, if it is too much for you to deal with - or leave it, she may not contact you, and if she does you can send a short message saying you are very sorry but you are having some difficulties and although one day you will, right now it is too hard to speak to her or talk about her son.. it might seem cold, but practically speaking, from what you say about her and your position, there isn't really a healthy chat you guys could have right now anyway... <3

My boyfriend died 2 months ago, he was 25. I know how you feel. Far too young, how can these things happen? It makes no sense.. I can't accept it, and I went to the funeral - funerals certainly aren't for everyone, and I almost didn't go - I had to be dragged there.. it's not your fault you didn't go, and in all liklihood I don't think it would have made much difference to how you feel now <3 In the immediate aftermath of someone's death, anything you do or don't do is absolutely fine - it's such a trauma, people don't respond the way they would if they had the time and space to think about it. Maybe you could do something yourself now, to say goodbye and get some closure? Light a candle, plant something, even just talk to a photo of him? Did you ever get any bereavement counselling? It is not too late for that, and it might really help you..

If you can't talk to his mother, you don't have to. Sometimes you need to do what is best for you, and you have so much else going on right now. Either unfriend her quietly, ignore it, or send her a message explaining if she contacts you or you feel you have to <3

Feel free to send me a pm if you need to talk about this..

<3<3<3
 
Thank you so much effie, I am very sorry to hear about the death of your boyfriend but I know you hear that a lot... I wish I could say more. The deathof a loved one is so hard to go through.. I wish people did not have to die and being a member on bluelight has been oddly stressful for me. I even flipped out one time and got infracted because I was so angry about how people can go get high or drunk as a tribute to a friend who has passed away due to drugs and/or alcohol. Being on this site and seeing how a lot of people die makes me sick to my stomach...

I dated him since I was 12 all the way up to 17. We ended up breaking it off well I did because I couldn't handle it anymore but he still loved me. I still loved him too and I still do. How can't I? He was like the only guy I seriously dated and loved. The first guy I ever said I love you to... And now he's gone ): the worst part I didn't know he was in the hospital the day he overdosed because I was out getting high! I was too wrapped up in my stupidity and then the even worser (I know not a word) part is that the next day I couldn't stop thinking about him. So then I decided to call him but his phone is disconnected and it never is. I then go on his facebook and apologize to him for not being there and how I missed him. Right away I see rest in peace and I think its a joke but it wasn't :( even my sister thought it was when I told her but she called his phone and noticed it was disconnected... And she just talked to him the other day. We then broke into tears together that night and wouldn't stop crying.

Ever since that day I still can't accept the fact he's dead. My sister even told me the day before he died he was telling her how much he still loves me and wants to get clean so he can get back into my life...

I am thinking about going to counseling but I can't bring myself to do it... I think I will though. And I don't think I will delete his mother yet but when the time is right I will speak to her, maybe that may help bring closure in my life as well. I know it will be hard but I think its better than leaving questions unanswered. Like why she wasn't there for him? And so on. I hope it will help.

I tried sending you a pm but my blackberry was acting weird :(
 
fucking sick of suffering and acting like an oblivious fool, repeating the same cycle over and over and over. I wish you never existed but I still can't live without you..
I keep saying that I'm getting better and more sober, but I'm lying to myself, it's getting worse not just with drugs but my entire life. Skipping school, doing illegal shit and nearly getting arrested, nearly ODing, binging.. getting back into k again.. I need it to put myself in a fog but I fucking hate myself for what a lazy, self destructive idiot I've become. I'm so oblivious. But at the same time I know exactly what is happening. I need to wake the fuck up
 
xstayfadedx - thank you for words.. i have heard it a lot, but it still helps when others care enough to repeat them <3
Regarding your boyfriend's mother - if you can avoid deleting her, I certainly would do that - was just considering the options for you if it is going to bring you too much pain while you are having difficulties yourself. I wholeheartedly recommend counselling, especially for someone in your shoes with so much unresolved - I've started already and it is helping me hugely. Talking to his mother may well help, but I would recommend waiting until you feel you have come to terms with things a bit more yourself - it could turn into an argument and that would be counterproductive for you both... I would definitely think about counselling, and pm me when you can (if you like). Losing someone like that is one of the most traumatic experiences we can go through, and you should be very proud for getting to 6 months - and having 3 months sobriety - I know how hard that must have been, so allow yourself to feel good about something, and keep up the excellent work! :) <3

D n A - I think a LOT of people on here can relate to that <3 it's so easy to hide from the truth, isn't it? It sounds like you have already woken up, you recognise the problem and want to change - that is a major step! I don't know about your background or why it is you have fallen into this cycle, but it sounds like that is what needs to be addressed.. good luck, and keep venting here! <3
 
I am doing much better effie thanks for asking. In no way 100%, but climbing up further everyday :)
 
sorry bout me whining last night,
emotions coming back finally and i guess they're too much for me to handle.
idk im high and i thing this song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waNOAf6bp58
saved me from getting back into the cutting habit last night

(stoner song, probably gonna hate it unless you dig Shwayze)
 
^ That's what we're here for :) Some times we need to whine to get these things off our back, and here we're accepting of that.

Ugh...time to go "pass" a drug test. Fuck. Hate this shit :p
 
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