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Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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Thats it! I've had enough of this shit I'm on fucking medicine to quell my insomnia and they do nothing but make it worse.

I am on 3 different meds. Suboxone, norvasc, and trazadone. The suboxone itself makes it hard enough to sleep at night. But I also have hypertension which is why I was put on the norvasc. Although I heard that norvasc had horrible fucking side effects I ignored them all completely.

I had a hard time pinpointing whether it was the sub or norvasc creating the insomnia but I'm begining to think its about 80% the norvasc and 20% the suboxone. All I know is I was sleeping fine for the first few months on sub. It wasn't till I added the norvasc that I began going multiple nights in a row not sleeping even a single fucking minute.

This drug is even worse than opiates I swear to god. Lately I have been "weird" about taking it. I hadn't taken the norvasc for 3 days although you need to take it everyday to control hypertension. Well thing is my blood pressure doesn't even come down on the shit so wtf? Why I am even on it? I had not noticed till these past couple days, when I took my full 5mg doses after a few days off, that I can not sleep no matter what. The night before last I had no slept at all. Went to work. Come home from work yawning, can barely keep my fucking eyes open. SO FUCKING TIRED. Lay down last night and wound up sitting in my bed for about 7 hours straight trying to fall alseep. As tired as I was, and as unable as I am to function... I STILL did not get a minute of sleep.

I'm stopping this norvasc this shit is horrible. Cozaar is a good medicine for hypertension but only if you can afford it. Norvasc is a cheaper alternative but its a fucking poison. Even all the feedback on askapatient you see one after another person complaining about the insomnia. I know the sub aggravates the insomnia too but generally I use to be able to sleep fine on it so I have to assume its the norvasc. MAN I can't explain wtf I feel like right now my vision is cloudy, I'm dizzy, am sooo emotionally flat and tired. I'm trying to get my fucking life together I simply don't need this shit.

And this trazadone does nothing at all for sleep so I think Im flushing this shit too. My goal was to get on subs to taper slowly not add 2 more bs medicines to my daily regime. The trazadone I thought would help me get a full nights rest but all it does is make me that much more groggy and unable to function. Maybe if I was getting sleep I'd be able to handle the traz better but as of now I'm taking myself off both these meds. I have not gotten one good solid nights rest in the last 2 months I've been on the norvasc. And I work 6 days a week for fucks sake.

AM FINISHED!!
No more adding meds to my regime if I need to control my fucking blood pressure I'll quit smoking. And if not then I'd rather die of a heart attack then take these shitty hypertension meds. I mean fuck I've taking potent antipsychotics before that didn't have as many side effects as this crap does. Now lets see how long its gonna take to get this shit out of my system. Then once I'm sleeping normal again I'll resume tapering my sub so hopefully I can get down to 3mg.
 
How long have you been on suboxone for now?

Sub is weird. I've had periods where it's noticeably given me insomnia and I've had periods where it makes me tired where I NEED a minimum of 8 hours of sleep every night.


It's been years since I've had insomnia from sub. IIRC, the only times I got insomnia where points where I was taking 4-5mg a day. When I got on a long stretch of taking 2mg daily was when I would need 8-10 hours of sleep every night.
 
I can't handle myself anymore.

Let me put the story in the best detail I can without giving away too much personal information or breaking any promises I made. I have a friend. I like her. She has a friend. He likes her. She doesn't like him. I don't think she likes me either, but I can't really tell, I mainly think she isn't into dating, at least not now. Lets say...something happened between the two...and she kind of regretted it. And he told her he liked her. Pretty much I've been the person she trusts, and we met pretty recently, but we kind of have a bond. She forwarded the message he sent asking her out to me. Boy I wish I knew that wasn't for me before I responded "Really (:". She was so upset about him asking her out, and I went and said something stupid like that. It practically sucked the wind out of my fucking sails, and now I feel really bad. That happened a couple of days ago. We've talked since then, and hung out, but it's never really come up. She even asked me what was wrong, so it seemed like she didn't know, but I'm too much of a fucking pussy to tell her what was wrong, so I lied, like the fucking liar I am. I don't know what she's thinking, I don't know if she even understood it, I don't know if she cares I said it or not, I DONT KNOW. IT'S DRIVING ME FUCKING INSANE. It seems like there's kind of a void between us, but I think that's only my anxiety, but I can't tell. Its driving me fucking mad. I've never felt so stupid and bad at the same time, I don't know how to control it, I don't know. I don't know if I hurt her, I don't know if I've killed any chances for myself, and I know that I'm only in high school, I know there will be other girls but I've never had a girlfriend, this may have been the one girl who's ever actually meant something to me. Sure I've "been" with girls, but none of that meant anything to me. This felt important for once. Life's always been the same, why the hell do I always fall head over heels for the girl I know I can't get, and why are they always my friend? I feel so lost, I feel like I'm living in some fucking separate reality where nothing matters anymore and where everything is blown out of proportion.

What upsets me more than the possibility of her not liking me (pfft sure I'm used to that, has happened with every girl I've gone after) is the possibility that I can't be as close to her anymore, even as a friend. But it's only a fear, but my fears always come true, no matter how I try to counteract them. I don't know anymore....I just don't know.
 
Badfish, I feel you, that sounds like a tricky situation! I hate that feeling of "oh no, have I messed this up, I really don't know though" - it's horrible, and it's so hard trying to work out what the best plan of action should be - ignore it? Bring it up? Casually try to find out how she feels? Ask her directly? It's a nightmare I know, but I think for your own peace of mind perhaps you need to talk to her about it? It's clearly causing you a lot of emotional stress at the moment.. or, alternatively, do you have a friend you could talk things through with? It's impossible to see clearly when you are in the midst of something, and it's really horrible second-guessing yourself constantly. Good luck, I really hope it works out!

Today my vent/rant is just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!! Could do with a good scream, but it's 5am here, so that will have to do ;)
 
Badfish,
I'm with Effie. I think that you should find a way to tell her how you feel. You feel a bond with her as a friend but you would like it to go further, right? Maybe start with letting her know how much you value her friendship. If you can describe how important she is to you as a friend she will probably be very flattered and gratified. Then maybe you will feel like you are back on a more even keel with her and can feel out the best way to approach taking it further.

Whatever happens, try not to get discouraged. It is so much harder for you guys. Raising sons gave me a whole new appreciation for that!
 
Thanks for the advice effie and herb. I guess I will just be honest with asking her about it, but I don't think that right now telling her I like her is the best option, not for my well being but for hers. She's had ENDLESS conversations with me about how done she is with relationships. The guy she did liked essentially dropped her, and all this other shit I just really can't say, now simply isn't the time. But I think I'll just be honest with her about what I said and how it made me feel. I'm just always afraid something will get ruined, my biggest fear. I never want to lose a friend because of this. It's happened before, and I always have these second expectations for it to happen.

And finally somebody who understands how so much harder it is for guys! It's the worst! We have to understand what girls want from us, and it seems only the best of us in high school can meet those expectations. Plus we have to do all the work.
 
Yeah, I understand that, and it's really lovely of you to put your friend's feelings first :) I just know how it feels to be unsure of whats going on and if you've messed up or not, drives you insane! But speaking to her about how much your friendship means, or what happened, or something would be good I think :)

On behalf of girls everywhere, I apologise if we confuse you. We (or at least some of us) don't mean to! ;)
 
I keep repeating the same patterns and ultimately keep making the same mistakes. I'm trying to get off opiates (again!), except I'm feeling a lot more depressed and unmotivated about it then other times I've quit. I'm just so upset with myself that I've set myself back once again by relapsing this summer.

I've gotten off of opiates in the fall of 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010. So that does bode well that I can get off them again, but gee golly it would be a nice change to not fall back into them again and repeat it another fucking year! :!


I'm losing hope in actually getting away from all this. I've obviously had some success with quitting and have even stayed away from opiates for a while, but I keep end up making the same mistakes. :( I'm 25 now. My time to do certain things in life is running out. I'm near broke again, I won't finish college this semester (as I had hoped :( :X ), I just don't know how many times I can start over like this. I'm not a 20 year old kid anymore, but I haven't grown up past that.
 
YAHOO MAIL CAN EAT MY SHIT AND DIE you worthless fucking bitches.

I have issues EVERY FUCKING DAY with yahoo mail between frozen screens and drafts getting deleting out of fucking nowhere. And this is not a virus because everything else works fine on my pc. Yahoo mail is a horrible horrible fucking free email to use. The ONLY reason I still use this shit is because I don't have the time to forward all my saved mail to another address.

Just got done typing a lovely email to my mom. Wasted an hour just on the wording, go to press send and wtf does yahoo do? I get that slow delayed response waiting for it to say "sent", and I KNOW its going to fuck up some shit in one way or another like it always fucking does. BYE BYE email to your mother who you love. Just fucking vanishes into thin air and is not even saved as a draft. I FUCKING WANT TO KILL the idiot that made yahoo mail. Its the most unstable, most polluted piece of shit email I've ever fucking used before in my life. Everyday I log in to get assaulted by bots sending me chat invites. Everyday yahoo mail manages to freeze up my pc in one way or another.

I NEVER have problems with anything else on my computer except yahoo mail. I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT. I don't even have the time or patience to write another email to my mom instead there goes 1 hour of my life that was intended to do something good, after I spend 9 hours busting my ass at work. But now instead of going to bed with a smile on my face I'm going to bed thinking about how the fuck I am going to find and kill the shithead the made yahoo mail.

YAHOO MAIL YOU FUCKING BLOW!!! No other way to say it the worst fucking mail everrrr.
 
Why is it so freaking hard to be true about myself? I made so much progress in the last two months and now its like back to baseline again. I overthink about simple tasks for days, i am so ashamed to tell a friend of mine what is going on with me right now, about my addiction, my outbursts are worse than ever, my head is bruised from banging it against the walls and all i ask myself is "why?" I highly doubt i can succeed this sickness and start fantasising about indulging a ridiculous amount of coke and smack.

Rationally i know that all this is normal in the process of recovery but right now im just panicking.
 
It's okay Van, every addict goes through it. You're brave to get off of drugs, it isn't an easy task. Don't ask why it's happening, ask how can you fix it. It's not something you can always down on the first try. You'll get it, just hang in there (:
 
VanWeydan, badfish is right. You're doing really well and this is entirely normal. I know it's hard, but try to let yourself just experience this angry/frustrated stage and don't be mad with yourself about it.. it is fine to feel like this, it is normal, and it won't last forever. The best advice anyone ever gave me when I was having a bad time was that it was okay to be having a bad time, and to stop getting so mad at myself over it and feeling ashamed.. and that everything passes in time.

Are there any things you can do to distract yourself or make yourself feel better in the meantime? Even small, conforting things.. try not to feel ashamed telling your friend too, I completely get that believe me but if they are a true friend they will understand. keep going :) <3

My rant today is why can't I sleep! Or rather, sleep at the right times! I'm completely topsy-turvey and it means I am isolating myself being awake all night, and not managing to do anything helpful to my state of mind during the day.. aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!
 
A few weeks ago I had to tell my mom that I had been using again, which she had expected, but I finally confirmed. I've been dopesick a few days since then and have been sick the last few days because I am finally stopping. I told her as much, partially so she wouldn't keep pestering me to go to the doctor if I felt so sick, but she's been extremely...nice about it. It's almost bothering me because it's actually making me feel even more guilty.

After years of being scared, angry, frustrated, sad, I think she just doesn't even know what to do anymore. Her and my dad got divorced when I was 1 or 2. It was over his cocaine/alcohol addiction, and I know it broke her heart that she couldn't get him to stop. I feel so terrible for how much I must have hurt her these last few years when she has been a pretty awesome mom.
 
Ah man the mom thing yeh that has always been a major moral dilemna for me too and my mom recently has been the same way. Very nice about it. I think she's been that way though because I've actually been telling her shit lately. And for the last 4 years she didn't even know I was using again. Definitely knew something was wrong, but its hard for a parent to ever be sure unless you tell them.

I think one of the major reasons I beat myself up everyday the way I do is because of my mother. What shes done for me. The examples she has set. The person she is. She was more mature than me likely when she was 16 then I will ever be before I die. Always was sober, ALWAYS was there for me. And for what? So I can shit on her like this in return? Throw my life away over a fucking drug?

Yeh that shit eats at me every day. If I inherited her genes I will not go on to be a drug addict and ruin my fucking life. Shes at least earned that much imo. And man I fucking hope its something I can do not just for her, but myself.
 
She's a mother, you're her kid no matter what. She'll stand by you with this until the day you die, even if it kills you, and she'll do all she can to stop that day from happening. Don't beat yourself up over it though, as guilty as you feel, in reality it helps NOTHING. You KNOW that what you're doing isn't right, but there isn't any reason to make yourself feel worse than you already do. Your mother is just trying to be a good mom and stand by her kid in hopes that you will outlive her, not make you feel bad.
 
the world is our oyster, and we are sucking it dry.
... but i will continue on anyway.

today, everyday, and every passing hour, is a whirlpool of our imagination, and thoughts, ones sense of self. the sense of self and our morals are reflected, carried on and taught further this way - This is the color of life in so many words. what is happening, is that we as a people are watching each other, allowing ourselves and each other as a result to fade inwards. this is the canvas of life we are presented with, that of the land we sea, and where the sea meets the shores that we all depend upon, and further in where the rivers which run their coarse to meet the lakes, and ponds of all of our childhood dreams.

these are real scenes we each share, they are the eisle of the pallet of our lives, each individually, this is the same as what we see in each other.

along with anything, this does not last, the lakes and rivers can run dry, our memories will be replaced in the same fashion, in a seemingly comparable rate, what will be left is a dry brush, and a dry earth. one thought i have to counter this affect, is to maybe imagine a few of your favorite colors, picture them on your hand the same as water colors, join hands with whom is near you, make life, and life on earth more colorful for all, simply with acceptance, and by doing so, the same way we would encourage our own children to do so with simply trusting more, we can keep the color of life alive in each of our own hearts.
 
Man I have really been fucking depressed lately it has to be this shitty fucking trazadone the doc put me on last week. Its not like an intense lethargic opiate depression its a total ssri depression where you are sitting down one minute and realize something is just NOT RIGHT in your brain. You can't put a finger on it but something just feels really wrong thats the best I can explain it. It really is an "impending doom" thats exactly what it feels like.

I have no idea how to address this either logic is telling me to immediately stop the med, but if happiness is just another week or 2 away I also feel like I can tolerate it. But then on the other hand this was for sleep not depression the reason I went on it. The only reason I crave happiness right now is because the med made me depressed. So I really think I might cut the traz out I don't know. It does help me sleep though so I'm gonna likely regret not taking it tonight.

So I tapered my suboxone down to 3.5mg today have also been tapering that now for about a week and I suppose thats just adding to the depression cause man this sucks. I almost got into an arguement FFS with a girl at work today cause she wouldn't shut up about how beautiful she thinks fall is. I asked her why and she went on like a ditz talking about all the pretty colors and shades and I said "yeh its really exciting to know in another month I'll have icicles hanging off my face everytime I go out".

I FUCKING HATE OCTOBER. I say this every October I don't mind Halloween at all its the month of October itself that I can't stand. September is like the final month of summer for me because before sept it was august. So sept doesn't really fuck with me like October. And then November you're like officially into the dark/depressing weather so I tend to get a bit use to it by then. But I really just fucking despise october. Leaves falling off of trees is a sign of death to me, not something artistic to be appreciated fuck that shit. Trees are giving up and saying "fuck this". Plants and flowers wither away and die. Warm stimulating whether is replaced by cold frigid air that makes your blood feel like icicles. I am such a summer baby its not even funny. Summer is my shit and my b-day is right at the peak of summer. I love when its hot out, I dont mind sweating one bit cause thats when I usually spray myself down or go for a swim in the ocean. Summer is BEAUTIFUL. Fall and winter FUCK THAT SHIT.

It seems like everywhere I look around lately everyone is just depressed or stuck on something. Stuck on the job they hate, stuck in their eating disorders and being fat, stuck on their partner who they can't stand being around. WHY are so many people unhappy with life? Why don't people smile anymore just for the sake of smiling? EVERYWHERE I turn my head I see a smile turned upside down. It is SO HARD to be positive in such a shitty unforgiving world. WHEN will humans ever learn the essence of life is not working yourself to death during the week then doing nothing but chore after chore after fucking chore on the weekend. WHERE is the pleasure? WHERE is the connection? I'd so much rather just sit down and talk to people about their problems, how to be happier, how to not be miserable, how to connect with people, how to make intimate connections. Its like we don't give a flying fuck about this stuff anymore.

This may sound crazy but so many people have seemed so fucking depressed lately including myself that I really think the human race is nearing its end. Something is just not right about anything anymore. Our politicians. Spending habits, lifestyles, diets, our thankless jobs that suck us dry and degrade our spirit. Where are we headed? What does tommorow really hold in store for us? There seems so little hope and faith in this world anymore. Where are the happy people? Where are the hedonists and hippies? The trendsetters? The ones that can't be brought down by any negative emotions? Hello we need you. Because I really don't think I'm strong enough to find my way out of this. I'm not really seeing that light that was promised at the end of this dark tunnel. How much further do I have to go? When does this feeling of being trapped ever end? IS this feeling going to ever end?
 
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Where's that damn hug thread because Bo needs the dogpile. What did you Aussies call yours? This boy needs one NOW. <3

WHERE is the pleasure? WHERE is the connection? I'd so much rather just sit down and talk to people about their problems, how to be happier, how to not be miserable, how to connect with people, how to make intimate connections. Its like we don't give a flying fuck about this stuff anymore.
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Wish you lived in my town Bo and I would just call you up and say get over here to my messy little house in my weedy little yard and let's play cards or something. You can be grouchy. You can hate October. I'll still like playing with you because you are a great kid. You're just having a harder time because of the meds. Yeah, I talk about being sad on here, getting depressed, but one of the worst feelings I have about losing my son is that I passed on my ultra-sensitivity and I passed on my disdain for norms and I passed on my anxiety and I passed on some art skills and a sense of humor and excessive worrying and a lot of other good and bad things, but the one thing that I failed to pass on was the ability to love life no matter what. In other words to give the flying fuck in spite of the darkness. I still do love life. Pain is a temporary state. Happiness is a temporary state. Attaching permanence to either one would be like trying to hold water. Anyway, hugs thread or no, I'm giving you one and I'm sure the rest of the troops will be here soon.<3<3<3
 
Just a few thoughts.....

SFW if you don't agree with that girl who thinks that the colors & shit of Fall is pretty?
How does her ability to perceive & relate to beauty where you cannot, qualify her a ditz?
How is another person's perception invalid, because you hate the cold & winter?
How does working day after day, and then doing endless chores after work make for a pitiful, sad, boring existence?
Why the fuck are you worrying so much about other peoples' attitudes, and then wasting so much energy ranting about it?
Where did you learn your super-psychic skills, that you know everyone is so unhappy and the world is crashing down about our ears?

evileye.gif


Look to thy own shit, before you cast it about. It all stinks just the same, and everyone else already has their own to deal with. Most of us just don't complain so much about having to stand in it; a shovel works better at getting rid of it, than just bitching about the smell.

Now..... I'll be headed off to a tranquil waterfall; I'll appreciate some fluffy clouds along the way, maybe sit on a sun-warmed rock to rub one out later, and I'll be a happy bastard for a good while.

That's a solid win on all fronts...... or does that qualify me as a simpleton too?
 
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Aww, i think he was jus' having a goodrant and I guess the whole purpose is to let the horses of negativity stampede. Never does much for me, but some people swear by 'em. Anyway, hooray for you for going out to make yourself a happy bastard--smartest choice in the world IMO.
 
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