Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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Fuck this. My parents do nothing but make me feel worse. I hate living here, I hate all this bullshit I still have to do. They treat me like a god damn child and when I'm feeling worse than I ever have, they find a way to top it. I have so much work to do today, I feel like laying down and dying right now. I've seriously never felt worse. I don't want to be seen, heard or known. I just want to not be here. Anywhere really. I don't want to even be dead. I just don't want to exist right now.
 
badfish badfish badfish...

Bro, I know that it can suck when your family gets you down, trust me. Just think about all that you got going for you. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, your parents know that and are just trying to keep you down the right path.

Plus you got this new girl thats all over you, and is TOTALLY hot, so just remember that next time you get down. There are things in this life worth living for.
 
Yeah dude. I'm feeling better now, but when I was feeling like shit earlier today, they found every way to aggravate me. It's been a terrible weekend. You can check my latest started thread if you want to know why /: And I hope she is, we'll just see how things play over. Sometimes that is the thing that keeps me moving.
 
I've been trying to quit opiates, and after feeling shitty last week, I slipped on Friday. So it set me back a bit, but not too bad. Felt kind of crappy and depressed today, and just laid around all day.

My friend stops by and we were going to smoke some weed, which I was looking forward to being in the rare position of being out and being close to broke (neither of which I'm used to). Anyways, we were chilling out and he asks me to look up a pill for him. I ask him to repeat the numbers on the pill and so he pulls out the bag. They're the blue 30's (30mg of oxycodone IR if you don't know). I was pretty pissed because he knows I've been trying to stop. He's only just begun to be feeling more of the negative aspects of opiate abuse and since another friend left town I think he's looking for people to help him justify his usage.

Anyhow, it took about two minutes before I was asking him to sell me one. I felt crappy all day because I knew that even though Friday wasn't a setback, it wasn't a complete setback. Now I just used again. Not a lot, but it's nevertheless going to make me feel crappier and more depressed (again!) over the next few days. 8(


I told him how I was annoyed and how I felt after I did them (only used 1.5, 45mg, so it's really not that much, but it's still a setback). I think he got it, but he's always so fucked up when I see him lately that I don't think he knows what to do. He complains about opiate withdrawals, but I know from his length of time using, the amount he's using, and the way he describes the wd symptoms that he hasn't gotten them too bad yet. He's been using the depression from that to justify using cocaine and benzo's to help get through work. Sometimes it's adderall instead of coke. He doesn't even go through more than a day of opiate WDs though. He's always either taking the 30's or the OP's, sometimes he'll go get dope in the city or take suboxone. He was already a daily weed smoker (addict), addicted to cigarettes, and he's been adding opiates to that list for sometime. However, he's now working on adding a cocaine/stimulant and benzo addiction to the mix. I keep trying to warn him and help him, but I have so much of my shit going on that I am barely getting by myself, much less having to help someone else. 8( :(

I'm just lost in general and I'm super pissed that he brought those pills over tonight. I can't even appreciate the buzz. In fact I feel more anxious now. Edit: It's because I feel trapped. Constantly trapped in my own body and my own misery from these opiate handcuffs. They restrict me from doing so much and with all these setbacks I actually never get to the point where I feel 'normal' again. :! :eek: :!
 
Yeah...nothing sucks the wind out of your sails more than seeing your crush change their status to "in a relationship"... life goes on...but for the time being it stands still.
 
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im fucking fed up with being in pain all the time and stupid asshole doctors
im sick of bipolar bullshit
i hate being relient on so many prescription drugs
and all the side effects
being disabled sucksssssss
im sick of being poor all the time and having tight friends
i hate people that try to be nice to my face but talk shit about me behind my back
and i really ex partners who try and fuck with my life.


right done. no replies needed.
 
Carl you ARE being very hard on yourself right now and it seems like you are becoming very intelligent into what sets off your use. But instead of planning for tommorow or how you're going to get through these next few days not using focus on the fact of how you're feeling right now.

Because it is when you get into those mind traps that use can really spiral out of control. "Man I'm just so fucking depressed even when I get high I can't enjoy that anymore... god why can't I just escape this mess etc etc"... and so we wind up always having an excuse to use.

Really man don't beat yourself up. I'm watching this as an outsider and its almost like watching a diabetic beat themself up for eating a cookie. But they are being tremendously hard on themself. Yeh maybe you shouldn't put your hand in the cookie jar but you are just a human being, you suffer from a medical offset that fucks with your thinking, you WILL make mistakes.

But when you are able to keep justifying the way you feel, and the way you're feeling is shitty, I really think that leads to using so much more than anything else. There is always tommorow. But you really need to let go and breathe in the moment so when tommorow comes, you're not apprehensive of it before it even comes. Stay focused man you've been through an awful lot and I really think there will come a day where you put this shit to rest for good. And don't worry about what your friends are doing (easier said than done as always) worry about whether you are being a good friend to yourself.
 
moving post to right thread:

Sobriety is definitely something to be proud of. =[

I was just reading through my poppy pod taper thread and just can not believe that I went through all that bs, so I could wind up being sober for 23 days, then go to sub of all things.

Fighting an addiction really shouldn't be this difficult. I can not keep going through this cycle of use opiates> taper opiates > stop opiates > try to be sober off opiates for a week or 2 > transition to another opiate > taper that opiate down > LIKE WHAT THE FUCK!

I really have no idea what the phrase "bite the bullet" means. I could have let my addiction rest over a year ago but instead have been on sub now for 4-5 months. Like I tapered my poppy habit for 3 fucking months..... just so I could taper my suboxone for another 6 months.

Tapering is becoming too much an excuse for me to always be on opiates. Like it makes me feel like I'm doing a better thing than getting high everyday. And I am. But I can not keep getting low on my tapers than going back to using opiates. I have to look at things realistically now too if I could not manage life BEFORE when I didn't even have a job to go to, and was trying to get clean and did not succeed in THAT situation. How the FUCK am I going to succeed coming off opiates now and having a job?

This shit just keeps getting delayed delayed delayed.
I'm sick and fucking tired of being an out of shape, lifeless, boring mediocre opiate addict. Thats all I will ever fucking be is just piss poor and average my whole life if I never fucking stop this shit.

If this suboxone taper isn't my last opiate taper, and if I don't succeed getting off the subs like I could have succeed staying off the pods last time... I think I have no other choice but to admit myself to a long term inpatient rehab.

And then I'll sit in rehab and say over and over "wow those people are fucked up... that one guy started prostituting himself to get more opiates" and I'll never identify with any of the addicts, and even fucking rehab won't work cause I've tried the shit before and even though I'm fucked up I'm definitely not fucked up in the head like some of those people are.

I'm really starting to think I may have a much more serious problem than I think with drugs. Or maybe I just need to stop thinking about it idrfk anything anymore. I just hate this feelings thats all I know... and I'm not even sure what the feeling is. We'll call it dissappointment for simplicity sake...

(btw I'm aware how contradicting this post is I had posted it in another thread and it just goes to show how quick an opiate addict can change moods, unless I'm bipolar who the fuck really knows..)
 
I hate how even though I'm trying to turn my life around and I'm clean off heroin, if I get convicted of any of these pending felonies (possession of heroin, dealing in stolen property and selling a stolen item to a pawnbroker) then I basically wont be able to fucking work anywhere. Its hard enough for people with clean records to get jobs right now, let alone a felon. Even one guilty charge will ruin the nursing career I'm currently in school for. I was the first person in my family to go to college and now I've probably fucked that up. And I got all those charges in Florida, where the justice system is notorious for being fucked...
 
I hate how even though I'm trying to turn my life around and I'm clean off heroin, if I get convicted of any of these pending felonies (possession of heroin, dealing in stolen property and selling a stolen item to a pawnbroker) then I basically wont be able to fucking work anywhere. Its hard enough for people with clean records to get jobs right now, let alone a felon. Even one guilty charge will ruin the nursing career I'm currently in school for. I was the first person in my family to go to college and now I've probably fucked that up. And I got all those charges in Florida, where the justice system is notorious for being fucked...

Hey, I just have to jump in here and try to offer a little support. I understand how scared this is making you--a lot is at stake. I just want to tell you about my brother in case your charges don't get dropped. He had been addicted to cocaine and then crack for 20 years, had racked up two felony charges (in Colorado, a 3 strikes state) when he got sent to a rehab that actually worked for him. Once he knew he was on solid footing he started applying for jobs as an electrician and he decided right from the beginning to be completely honest with the hirer in the interviews. He would look the person in the eye and bring up the subject himself, saying, "I want to be completely honest with you about my addiction/recovery. " Then he would lay out exactly what he was doing for his sobriety, etc. The first two companies didn't hire him but the third not only hired him but the head of the company was so impressed with his honesty that he revealed his own struggles with alcoholism and they became a great support for each other. It's all about developing your own integrity sometimes.
The criminal justice system will treat you like a horrible person. Don't take that lying down. Hold your head up and stay strong inside--you know what kind of strength you have because you've gotten off heroin which is no small feat! Are you using a Public Defender? Whatever kind of lawyer you have, be sure to get them the full story of your recovery, your status as a nursing student, how hard you are working etc. Lay it on thick so that they have that ammunition when they talk to the judge.
Good luck.<3
 
I hate how even though I'm trying to turn my life around and I'm clean off heroin, if I get convicted of any of these pending felonies (possession of heroin, dealing in stolen property and selling a stolen item to a pawnbroker) then I basically wont be able to fucking work anywhere. Its hard enough for people with clean records to get jobs right now, let alone a felon. Even one guilty charge will ruin the nursing career I'm currently in school for. I was the first person in my family to go to college and now I've probably fucked that up. And I got all those charges in Florida, where the justice system is notorious for being fucked...

lol no justice system is quite as fucked as NJ imo you get locked up here for 2 years if you have a *beebee* gun in your trunk FFS. And some kid was already incarcerated for having a beebee gun in his trunk.

But as far as the "I can't get a job" deal I've already done time in state got a 7 flat at 19 years old but in all honesty I got a job the day I was released. It was a pet store and back in 2004 but they didn't even do a background check.

Later on I went through various other positions one handling money another contracting large home renovation jobs and both did a background check on me. *NEITHER* one was able to find my record in doing so.

People will reveal a lot of not so true folk tales about what prison will and won't do to your life another one of them being don't drop the soap in the showers. This is obviously not true. I must have dropped my soap over 50 times in the 2years I served and not once did I ever see a man looking at me in the wrong way. It simply doesn't happen nearly at all like people think.

Also, I've talked to several other people, at least 5 I can remember who all told me their employeers had similar difficult problems pulling up their backgrounds. This was mostly at the parole office but I even remember my PO making a statement about it. And he confirmed that lots of places simply do not understand where to look and many CDS related "crimes" are not put into the registry. After I was at one place for 4 years and had told them I had a record, and they told me they did a background check in the "national registry" and did not find it, I ASKED them to do the check in front of me.

The "expert" put my social security into the phone, and it came back once again "no records found for this number". I laughed and realized a lot of places do it this way. But there is a very large error in how the registry is updated. For a lot of criminals (*especially drug offenders/nonA3o4 violent offenders) their records are simply not put into the registry at all. I am telling you this just so you know it happens a lot.

And even the places I was worried about finding one. Guess what I did? I lied on my application. So many would not even check I suppose based on the fact that I don't come in with my pants sagging and cursing like an idiot. The simple fact is it takes a bit of time to do. And in the fast paced nature of a lot of companies, they simply fuck it up or don't do it at all. I would only seriously worry about it if you are trying to be a cop, or a doctor, or a lawyer, otherwise chances are they will fuck it up and not even know to go to your states DOC site where a lot of employeers have no idea to look.

just so you know is all. I have on idea how bad florida really is but from what I've seen its not as big a problem as you'd think. if you get locked up and bailed out for murder however, I have a feeling they will find a record like that. All those crimes, armed robbery, assault, assault with a deadly weapon, arson, rape, kidnapping, GTA are the real reasons background checks exist. Not possession of a CDS, or in my case even distribution or manufacturing was important enough to put in the registry.
 
because the person who has all my money, and is my only means to travel into the "out-side-world" doesnt believe that i more often then not, go several days with out eating, or vomiting what i do eat...i continue to do so.

if i could just, walk to the store, i would be a much much healthier person, with more life potential - because then i have food, and human interaction. it is sensible


only 9 more months...! maybe!
 
ugh!! people!
I hate when people take on the responsibility of a pet and then decide they can't fully commit......
Commitment includes keeping your animal under control.......
If you can't care for them AT LEAST find a home where they will be loved- not left to starve and fend for themselves or booted out for the day while running wild...

i totally agree with this. recently i had to find a home for a bunny who has been living in a cage on my mom's front porch for at least a year poor thing. now he has a good home with other bunnies! yay!

you could always post the kitties on craigslist...
 
^^feed the bunnies alphalpha-meal, and harvest their poop, you will then have some of the best most balanced and sustainable fertilizer for your garden, if you do garden...

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ohh you i see now, you found him a home.
 
Why do people have to hurt themselves? It breaks my fucking heart that people can't live on this earth and be happy with themselves, and that they see the only way to achieve it is through drugs or self harm. I don't see them as any less of people, but it saddens me. I wish we could live free from a dependence of those. I wish drugs existed in only a recreational state, and that people did not have to harm themselves to express their emotion. It really does sadden and hurt me to see my friends do this too.
 
Hmm well I've never seen my drug use as harming myself maybe thats just something you are assuming is happening?

I look at whats happening in Florida with feds trying to close down all the walk in pain clinics that prescribe oxies to nearly anyone... and honestly I don't understand all the protesting about it. Everyone just assumes being an addict is a horrible thing and sometimes it can be but for me most of the time its really not too different than when I was sober. And I believe that people can and do learn to tolerate addiction as time goes on.

I do NOT believe things just always get worse. In fact for me the older I got and the "deeper" into addiction I got the more I learned how to moderate my use and balance my use of drugs with life... not the less I learned and the more out of control I got. But we still have to tell people addiction is progressive and incurable. Give me a fucking break what a load of political bullshit. I really just think people focus on the drugs WAYY too much w/out realizing if you take the drugs away, the really fucked up ones are going to just find another way to fuck themselves up be it with food or gambling or sex or who knows what?

But honestly I've always been an advocate of personal choice and freedom. I think drugs should be available to any adult and that too much concern for the "weak" winds up just making them weaker in the end. Take away the only thing in life that makes them happy (and is it really even sad? for other people its food or sports or other just as useless shit imo) then make them jump through 10,000 more hoops just to get their drug.

I think pharmacies, doctors, and the government all need to drop the bs and stop trying to save us citizens with all these stupid laws that do nothing but imprison us and fatten up their wallets. So what if I want to get high everyday the only thing really bad about it are the excuses I feed myself like "drugs are ruining my life". Umm no **I** am doing that. Take away the drugs and I'd still do it. Realizing that sole fact I have been able to control my drug use a lot and drugs cease to have the impact they use to have on me when I was younger. Fuck I was LOADED with excuses. "I can't control myself I have a disease so I will smoke crystal 30 times a day and have an excuse to be like that" or "drugs are ruining my life if I can just get off them everything in the world will be perfect". Its all bullshit imo. If you can't be that way on drugs, (happy) you likely can't be that way off drugs. So to me people that take drugs and fuck shit up are people that were *looking* for an excuse before they even got into drugs to be like that. We have a death instinct same exact way we have a life instinct. And to be human, to just be alive, means those 2 instincts will always be in a perpetual state of conflict.

Yeh I do feel bad for some people, but its always the ones who just don't know better. Either they are young or naive, impressionable, overly emotional, unexperienced... they just lack a certain ability to realize that they are letting the drugs do certain things to them. I just see so many people who just act like the drugs caused all their problems and honestly that makes me feel worse than just the fact that they are addicted to something. Its like they have absolutely no faith to believe that they actually have total power to control this shit. They just assume they don't. Its learned helplessness to a T. The thousands of people who have just learned "oh this is just the way things must be because I was raised in a society that taught me drugs will ruin my life". What do we expect to happen to people then when they use drugs?
But what if we looked at drug use as something just as natural as sex. What if we didn't have such a nonaccepting demeanor about it? What if we didn't view addicts as crippled people who are weak and have no control? Maybe... just maybe we'd live in a world where a lot more addicts were able to keep their shit together. So I don't blame the addicts or the drugs. Nor do I feel sad for most even myself (though obviously it happens). When it comes down to it I feel so many people just learned the wrong thing. If we had an overwhelming attitude in society that drinking too much water was a bad thing you would have tons of people "abusing" water, ruining their lives, then blaming the water for it rather than the society they live in.

I definitely think there are lots of things you can choose to be sad about. But I genuinely feel more sad for society than I ever could for a single drug addict. Its the whole reason I want to get into counseling. We live in such a fucked up weak minded society imo and it is the world as a whole that is the real issue here not people ruining their lives over drugs... to me thats just a side effect of the real issue. We need to stop demeaning drug addicts, we need to teach them that they have just as much strength as the nonaddicts. And trust me if we fully adopted that attitude as a society, you would see far less issues with addiction and "drugs" ruining peoples lives. People would eventually realize "oh god maybe the real problem is me and maybe I need to start owning up to shit I do rather than blame drugs for it over and over and over and over again". I slept late cause I was high. Well take your drugs earlier. I am broke cause I'm an addict. No you are broke because you're just looking for an excuse to get emotional about shit. Maybe your life is just that boring and any type of adversity makes you feel alive and thats the real reason you keep fucking shit up. Emotions are more addictive than drugs ever can be. And we just try far too hard to control peoples emotions in this world. Telling people racism isn't natural just repress that shit. Please. If you do drugs once thats IT you are done there goes your whole fucking life. All these things we nonverbally or verbally communicate to people this is the shit that eats me alive at night not my drug addiction. If you're a girl and you have sex too much you should feel bad about it. If your fat you should feel bad about it. If you had sex with a married person you should feel like slime. Thats the sole fucking problem with this world it has very little to do with drugs. Its clicks and cults, meems and viruses of the mind. Ingroups and outgroups. These are the things I fucking hate. We live in such a fake ass bs world it almost doesn't make sense to me how many people are actually clean and sober and going on about their lives like nothing is wrong. Fuck I'd rather be an addict anyday of the week over the millions of things I can think of that are just soooo much fucking worse in this world.
 
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I learned how to moderate my use and balance my use of drugs with life...
Not everyone does though. I never said it was a sure fire thing to happen, but it's very likely, and it's not even the damage, but it's when that's the only happiness they can find, that's what saddens me. It saddens me that I couldn't help make them happy, nobody else could, and nothing else could.
 
Why do people have to hurt themselves? It breaks my fucking heart that people can't live on this earth and be happy with themselves, and that they see the only way to achieve it is through drugs or self harm. I don't see them as any less of people, but it saddens me. I wish we could live free from a dependence of those. I wish drugs existed in only a recreational state, and that people did not have to harm themselves to express their emotion. It really does sadden and hurt me to see my friends do this too.

we are taught to feel inferior, and to look for support and confirmation from people, or to have faith+fear in the unknown.

it is an awful realization - watching passion potential and love for the self, drained with superficial false knowledge, food, morals, beliefs, and sense of esteem - then filled with a false sense of each through drugs, with a sense that nothing really matters, only because nothing else does while in that place.

now, personally, thinking of how much crap i would load myself with constantly, it is astounding how i didnt come to notice, how when the more LSD cocaine and alcohol i needed, the less of the chance i had to make the connection, that all that time spent fucked up, and how much i could pile on was more of a sign of how deeply disturbed i actually was - not because i was week or impulsive, there is a difference between a death-wish and a bad-habit.

<3
 
Oh My God

My stomach feels wrapped in a razor sharp Spiders Web, brilliant dizzying delerium envoking obscene pain. Iam ready, just light me up and watch me go!.!
 
that stuff gabe me a type of Blood "poisoning" which is now attacking soft tissue organs, the spiderweb sensation is the voracious veins on the out side of my stomach, doing what other parts have been identified doing, and now my liver is shifting, this is horrid..

101% Ashwimi Dahrma Moshka, Atman is the Goal here, And Has Been Since Birth.
 
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