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Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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edit: up arrow was to pip's post but i ranted too long :)
^Yeah...........
This certain friend I have decided to put me on blast after she came over to my house acting rude, inconsiderate and obnoxious.
(Drinking and pills)
I tried to msg her privately but she continued on FB with her rant about how she is sick of me hiding things and worrying about my dad (b/c she is sick and we didn't want my dad to get sick- b/c he has been sick for almost 3 mos and has to work- he gets MAYBE one day off a week)
He is under tremendous stress (that I Won't go into here) and my mother mentioned she didn't want my dad to get sick and my friend was going back to sleep and my mom said that int he room and my friend said she would just go home- then she tells everyone we "kicked her out". She doesn't lead on that there is any issue until late night- probably b/c she is DRUNK and on all kinds of pills.
I just have so much going on in my life, and feel like I am at a point where I'm a grown up- I don't need to deal with the nonsense of overly dramatic crap.
I'm so so so tired of drama.
I'd rather have peace.
 
okay,,, n/m the rest right now... no surprise.!

but,
your dad; you know how technically/clinically compromised i am considered because of my immune system and the drugs...
im still sick, and have a fever, but i think its due to uncontrolled leukocytosis now,,,

--- anyway, considering this, i took 3 .25mcg amaxocilyn(sp) a day for 7 days, and started feeling better 3 days into the regime - its only going to get worse, and be more difficult to treat, very simple, a child size dose of a spare-change anti-biotic...
what happens to me with bronchial infections, is the same process/stages of disease that occur in anyone else if left untreated, , but it all just happens much quicker in me.

it could turn into a MERSA type infection,.. i dont how how to urge, or try to explain why he should go, or ask why he wont in any one way..?!?
its insanely frustrating because it so simple, and serious.

oh man, i hope he does something to help himself, it again is soseriously simple,-
its not even funny.
 
^^ Thats ridiculous, people like that are better off avoided, unless they apologise genuinely after realising their error.

I've had so many similar scenarios...it has actually put me off making friends.

Actually met one yesterday, who is difficult for me to handle. We used to be really close when we were younger, but she is very overtly 'sweet', emotionally manipulative and only wants to meet me when it suits her, so it seems. I mean after experiencing, a 5 yr relationship breakdown she spent the most of our meeting talking about the 2 month relationship she has with this guy and how she wants to have his babies, she did go on a bit I thought...I mean of course youd be happy but you'd swear that she had found the holy grail...it seemed kinda childish and unreasonable. I mean how well do you know someone after 2 months?! Maybe im cynical, but FFS if your happy to get laid and to be getting attention GREAT, just say it as it is, were both fking Adults here. Whats with the: oh Im Sooooooooooooo in love with him, he is just wonderful in every way, 'My little Pony Shit'!!
I cant understand how a grown woman acts like such a fluff Monkey.
I enjoy childish banter, but she really puts on this ridiculous 'Paris Hilton' bollocks.

I really want to be happy for her...I am, but I just got the feeling she's always trying to prove something to me, she is always OVERLY girly girl, kinda flirtatious and manipulative and I find it very disturbing sometimes...
I always miss her as the close friend I had in the past but I think Im just a pawn to her, I think she may find me a threat or something?
I mentioned about an expo on at the science Museum ATM in another city, it is a kinda dark, artsy one, using human stem cells to grown skin in an aesthetic setting, kind of bringing up the whole 'ethical' debate etc etc. I knew she had gone with a male friend to
something slightly similar last year, figured: ya, great at least I know one person who'd be into that kinda thing!
When I mentioned it she said: oh ya, you should go! - Was completely shot down...She could have made up an excuse ya know, just to be considerate, it was really obvious I was asking her. I will NEVER open up to her again, like that...Ive had so much game -playing from this person, cancelling dates, fake apologies basic disrespect but always in a very covert, underhanded, passive-aggressive way.

For instance she will never ask me out with her friends, or even FB me. This really is upsetting not because I want to know her friends but becaause she obviosly is trying to control the level of freedom of friendship I can have with her. :(
This is very insulting to me. I dont deserve that shit, I like people who are mature and open not little girls, trying to protect their own territory in an underhanded way. If I dont get on with someone, I have enough respect for them and myself NOT TO try to manipulate them into thinking different. I know im right about her, both from hearing the way she talks about certain peoplein a very dismissive, grandiose way(alot of her friends she claims to be 'ditsy' airheads yet she likes to have this image herself because it makes her look more benign to other women but to blokes especially, I think she likes the idea of being covertly powerful- of course I can see this but she doesnt think I can, and treats me like an idiot ....I think behind the 'Sweet' exterior is a callous, patronizing and very self-serving individual who thinks she is much nicer than she is.
Anyway, thats my judgement for the day. God I cant STAND overly FAKE people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrr!

Anyway, this leads me to just have VERY composed meetings with her. I find it more like a fukin interview, because I am not investing any more emotion on this person-its wasted!

SOoO~
So sorry your going through difficult shit ATM hun. Hope you can take the time to re-allign your own strength now, and not let that malignancy tear any of you down hun. *Hugz* <3
 
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N.B - This is in response to Bojangles post that was merged into this thread.
These are some thoughts I had while reading your post:

-Being inside your mind must be like perpetually being on acid.

-I [probably] take drugs to prevent myself from thinking. It's just too fucking intense otherwise.

- At least you still have an attraction to women, so therefore you still have some kind of zeal for something in life. (And yeah, I just read your post about the intimacy black cloud so I see it's not that straightforward.)

- I agree with the above poster(s); perfectionism could play a part in the whirlwind of thoughts. You are focusing a lot on the future and the past. And nothing is good enough or may cease to be good enough soon. No matter what, life doesn't or won't live up to the expectations of what it should be. And if it ever does, it will go downhill again. Your aspirations aren't 'satisfactory' enough in one way or another.

- You seem concerned with what others think of you (e.g - putting up a front of being against drugs, being "obsessed with bettering yourself.") Don't be so hard on yourself. And who cares if you make excuses? Everybody does it; at least you can recognise it!

- I always say that being on methadone evened out all my ups and downs in moods, but you know, I think it just stopped me from thinking so much. In the short and medium term, that's good but in the long term, not so much!

- This is probably cliched advice but have you tried looking at women not as women but as people? Like, taking the whole romantic option out of the picture and starting at the friends level. It takes a lot of pressure and bullshit out of the picture.

I think you sound like a very intelligent and introspective young man with a lot of life experience. Who cares what your jeans size is? Try and relax a little and live life day by day rather than worrying about each eventuality. Going to the gym or eating x amount of square meals or being so called 'productive' doesn't make you a better person. It's what's on the inside and that doesn't change.

It sounds to me, from your other posts, like maybe the reason you feel comfortable with females with an 'abuse' history may be just that you need someone who is deep and introspective like yourself and possibly with that air of fragility, idk?

Well those are my disjointed thoughts. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts. It was an interesting read.
 
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I would say alot of money would solve 90% of my problems. Anyone saying that money cant buy happiness is crazy & stupid imo.
 
I had an ok day, but I am in a super complainy mood right now!

My Mondays and Wednesdays are basically 12 hour days between work, school, and the commute

I'm pretty much always going to have HW on at least one of those nights.

I have a Tu/Th morning class (after a M/W night class....bad planning for me)

I have to write a paper tonight and I don't know much about it

I've enjoyed being around people more since getting off opiates, but I have to listen to people talk or talk to people for 10 hours today (and then again on wednesday)

It was nice today (while I was inside). Now it's windy and cold again. This winter sucks
 
Four months ago an old student of mine said he had a friend in need of a teacher in a school in Libya. So I talked to the guy, asked for details and it all sounded great. Pay was fantastic, free accomm and car included, flights every two months back home. It all sounded perfect and I said yes.

Unfortunately, what with all the protests and such in the Arab countries at the moment, the Libyan government has decided to stop giving out work visas - so the whole thing has fallen through. I've already left my old job so now I;m unemployed, poor and living in Melton Mowbray - possibly the shittiest place on Earth. Although I don't even live there - actually four miles away, in the countryside. The nearest shop is four miles away and I don't have a car. Even my bike, which I had lent to someone while I was away in Italy, is now gone, since my friend somehow let it get stolen. So I'm totally fucking stuck and very, very bored. It's at times like this that my brain starts screaming 'drugs!' - more than normal, I mean.

I hope I get out of here soon... sigh.
 
I just looked up Melton Mowbray...it doesn't look so bad! Hopefully things will pick up for you soon :)
 
fuck stupid fuckign shit. u kno, these bitches r so conceited and lost in their epileptic ego. you know, the shit that they step on is my feelings that came out that asshole. it stinks! it reeks of pathetic eternal dumps. my soul is bleeding through their paper as the pin dips into it every minute to take more of me away. i like their smiles but they despise the turns. FUCK. dont even ask because i have no ansewrs.
 
I feel entirely numb, emotionally.
I've been strung out, working 9 days straight 12 hrs a day. 3 more days til I get a day off.
I may get evicted for having my cat.
No one understands that I absolutely cannot give him up even if it cost me my apartment.
Am I a sick man if my cat is the only one thing I love?
I could give a shit about humans.
But kitten, I love him more than anythimg.
I never really have felt close to humans. If I did I blocked it out.
Idk.
Maybe I am fucked in the head.
 
zombiesarepeaceful said:
I feel entirely numb, emotionally.
I've been strung out, working 9 days straight 12 hrs a day. 3 more days til I get a day off.
I may get evicted for having my cat.
No one understands that I absolutely cannot give him up even if it cost me my apartment.
Am I a sick man if my cat is the only one thing I love?
I could give a shit about humans.
But kitten, I love him more than anythimg.
I never really have felt close to humans. If I did I blocked it out.
Idk.
Maybe I am fucked in the head.
Click to expand...

Animals can't talk shit on you, screw you over, or just completely fuck you. Also they're just so cute and cuddly. And the ones that live a long time are practically family. Dogs are the best because they unconditionally love their master. Cats look at you more as a friend. But yeah animals (mainly referring to domestic) lack the negative traits/behaviors that humans have... that's why they can be so loved..
 
zombiesarepeaceful said:
Am I a sick man if my cat is the only one thing I love?
I could give a shit about humans.
But kitten, I love him more than anythimg.
I never really have felt close to humans. If I did I blocked it out.
Idk.
Maybe I am fucked in the head.
Click to expand...

No, not at all! Its really lonely when you cant make a connection with people.
I think the same way you do sometimes about only feeling a genuine connection with animals but ya know what?!!... they say that Serial killers and Psychopaths enjoy hurting/killing animals; its a symptom of their inhability to feel the full spectrum of human emotion...so take it as a sign that you can definitely connect with people(probably very intimately)-it's a testament to your heart that you feel that way... it's just sometimes the situation, probably due to your own blockages(stress, fear etc) and prob due to the enviroment you're in, arent presenting you with any oppertunities to connect at the moment. Thats not to say it will continue that way hun.<3
 
I'm turning 25 in two days.

It sucks, it's awful. So old. Maybe if I had accomplished something then it would be cool, but I haven't done anything. I've lived and breathed, well sort of lived. I've made no footprints. I was just starting to enjoy being 24 too.

On the plus side, I looked at pictures I had taken around a year ago and exactly a year ago. Around that time I had been had using H frequently as this was where I finally switched over to shooting it. I looked TERRIBLE! I'm pretty thin now, but my face had this gaunt look back then; cheeks all shrunken in. Looked more pale, skin looked bad, just didn't look good at all. I look so much better right now. =D ;)


When I really think about it, I think I'm upset with turning 25 because I'm still coming to terms with how much time/money/opportunities I lost over the last few years. I remember turning 20 and celebrating with two bundles. Hopefully make some better decisions over the next five years.
 
25 was a hard fucking year for me too. Alot of shit both good and bad happened to me that year well mostly bad really. I don't miss my mid 20's at all i gotta say. Im coming up on 30 which is kinda scary cause well it will be the big three zero but im more at peace with myself now then when i was younger.

So age is just a number nothing more so try and not worry about it too much. A good trick if you can do it :\
 
welll after asking around on bluelight, ive decided to stop my ecstasy (hopefull ALL drug) use until im done with school. but seeing as how i hang wiff the druggies thats gonna be REALLY hard. the last few weekends ive refrained from hanging out with them and now im starting to feel really empty. like a COMPLETE loner. i have a mother and father but dont have a mom or dad. i dont have a bestfriend or any real friends for that matter ever since i came out of the closet :l

imma apply for my first ever job next week though so maybe that will help me out.
 
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