Life Rant Warning - Anyone Feel like They Know how to Fix All their Problems?
This is going to be a long self absorbed rant but I'll try to at least space everything neatly.
My life I guess you can say is one massive dilemna after another, but at the same time its pristinely clear.
I honestly feel like 100% of my "problems" in life right now are behavoiral, and that really messes with my head more than anything.
Drugs are too convenient to blame for all of our problems. But I'm going to do a quick reflection on the last time I was sober or sober at least for long enough to become "myself".
I'd wake up 6:00am every day and be to work by 7am. I'd work till 3, come home, then drink some caffiene beverages and immediately go to the gym. I cooked healthy foods and stored them in tubberware. And I didn't smoke, would eat as healthy as possible, was ripped, looking sexier than ever, and after the gym I'd either go to night class for college, or the nights I had off would go produce trance music and work on my skills as an aspiring artist.
My goals were clear, always keep music and lifting as close hobbies, and make therapy my future career. I was SO PRODUCTIVE. At work even when I was working I was simultaneously recording prices of things in our store (pet store) and had memorized long lists of products on ebay.
The second something went on sale, or was discontinued I'd stock up on merchandise, even "damaged" merchandise that wasn't really damaged, and would list tons of things on ebay. I was exercising my entrepeunorial (sp) skills, my intellectual skills at school, my dieting and lifting skills, my girl skills. I was ALWAYS doing something, thinking, planning, and it was always a matter of "how do I make myself better?".
Had a great gf at the time, active sex life, my family loved me, I was social, ambitous, outgoing. And this was all after coming out of prison I managed to turn my life around unbelievably.
I just can't get over how ambitious I was, and how much I'd get accomplished in the course of 24 hours. I also commonly made NA meetings for motivational/spiritual reasons, and I look back saying now "I loved my life", because I'd love to be back in that mindset again, but looking at it more introspectively, I was fucking OBSESSED with bettering myself in everyway possible.
I had sat in prison for long enough bottling dreams and fantasies, and from the day I got out they exploded and I was back in the rat race making a name for myself and doing what I should.
Then I got off parole after 4 years sober and was a "free" man.
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I'd go out more and socialize, just drinking occassionally but never really enjoyed drinking so it was never an issue.
I had a social life at this point, and had redeemed myself completely. One day out of nowhere I started looking around for "legal highs", found kratom, and WOW was it a great way to kick back at the end of the day after a long day at work/schoo/gym and I could just sit down, make music, and be completely content with my life.
Eventually the kratom was replaced with pods, but I still worked out, was staying lean and running even further at the gym, working even harder, studying harder, and love my new life so much I broke up with my gf lol just so I could be "free" to flirt with women which I did all day everyday.
Things continued like this for another year.
Then one day my boss I noticed some seriously shady shit was going on at work. My boss was stealing lots of merchandise at night when noone else was in the store. I discovered this one day when he thought everyone had left the store to go home, and I was still in the bathroom, came out and saw him literally using the forklift to take all sorts of expensive merchandise to the backroom which was just weird.
I snuck out of the store w/out him knowing. Drove around the back and shut my lights off, and clearly saw him walking shit to his truck. THis was the store director mind you, had more authority than anyone in the store.
This quickly turned into a moral conflict where I couldn't take orders anymore from a theif. I was always calling him out on shit, like the way he'd speak to customers and what not and after a few months me and my friend both quit on the same day.
I later found out they found out and had fired him.
But having more time to basically "chill out", I started liking laziness. I still went to the gym, and was looking for work, but couldn't find work. I was still motivated more than ever but over the course of the following year a lot of my behavoirs changed.
I didn't feel so secure about my future anymore, and my mind almost became "too open" from using the opiates. I became very cynical towards the world and my aspirations for doing therapy. I started discovering the "ugly side" of psychology, and the negative things it was doing to society (when all I was focused on was some fantasy of helping everone) and it started getting confused about where I wanted to take my life.
Prison was the reason I wanted to do therapy, because it was fresh in my mind how human connection and acceptance can help someone so much, like it had helped me, regardless of whether theres even clear solutions to our problems. I loved the power of communication, all the tricks I learned in the seduction community, all the tricks I was learning in school, and one day I merely just lost my passion for it.
I'm not sure if it was the opiates that did it. I really have no idea.
But what has changed the most in my life is my ambition and motivation to be the person I dream of being. I really gave up that fight all together.
Now I smoke, smoke pot, still do pods, and have no job. Although I can get very busy sometimes still from found work and some other crap I always keep going on the side. But for the most part I still feel lost, I still feel like I'm not "fighting" anymore, and I don't know what or who to blame.
For years I blamed the drugs for it. Well "opiates are known for effecting the chemicals that make us content and ambitious, so it HAS to be the opiates". And I'm sure to some degree it is.
But I still look at my life clearly, and its my decisions or behavoirs from day to day that keep my in this spot.
The decisions to have that cigeratte when I wake up.
The decisions to not go to bed early and always wake up late.
The possible "eating disorder" I have now where I starve myself all day, then
binge once late at night after I have my pods & pot.
The decisions not to be looking for work or trying to establish my career any further.
The decision not to have a partime job when I KNOW I have the time for it.
I stopped looking for work for a few reasons.
One, because I hate who I am now. I'm not some ripped outgoing motivated guy who rubs off this positive energy on everyone, I'm a tad bit overweight, have to where size 38 jeans when at one point I fit snug into a 30. My skin always looks dry and aged from the smoking although I'm only 28.
I don't cut my hair anymore religiously twice a month. Sometimes its more like once every 3 months now.
And as much as I love pot, and thinks it helps me get to bed I never fucking go to sleep early anyway so whats the point?
I also think pot has greatly corroded my wit and ability to communicate with people and appear "lively". I'm not infectious anymore and I know it.
Theres no "glow" around me when I walk or speak, I'm just kinda "there" most of the time.
I'm always telling myself "even if a place wants to hire you.. how the fuck do you plan on passing a drug test if they give you one?" And I think I have ways around that but I haven't tried yet.
Either way theres this collective wealth of dissappointment, and I guess these changes were slow enough to the point where my family just thinks I'm not that young energetic man anymore. And when they try to push the envelope with me I allude to the possibility of a sleeping disorder to explain everything.
I also commonly have moral talks about how bad drugs are anytime the news comes on or the topic is introduced just so it appears that much more like I'm not currently on them myself.
And I do that shit too well sometimes. But I also make sure never to drag it on too long or get too emotional so it gives the wrong impression. Just enough so they know drugs would be the last thing I'm doing right now.
But here we have this person I am today. And I don't feel like I have any emotional problems.
I KNOW I'll get depressed as fuck once I quit opiates, but I know eventually I'll bounce back once I'm able to feel discontent again. Either way it would be more a drug induced depression and its somewhat controllable depending how I stop opiates.
And then theres pot... god I love pot. I never realized it till I started smoking it again either. Back when I was sober it seemed like a dumb idea just to consider doing again, but man when I started smoking again once a day at night it just felt like so much benefit with so little consequence. No wds right? Its not making me stupid right? Or is it? HOW THE FUCK would I even know it was making me stupid if I was getting stupider in the process? I likely wouldn't even notice it.
All I know is that "flame" or livlihood is very dim now and days.
I don't get depressed or anxious anymore its just one constant stream of excuses going through my head.
"Oh so I slept late again... no problem at least I know I can wake up early tommorow if I wanted to"
"Oh so my use went back up again? no problem at least I know I can stop if I really wanted to".
THOSE types of evil excuses all day long.
But I can't say they're not true.
If I REALLY CARED, really "wanted it", I could do it. But in order to care to that level, I feel like I need to be off the drugs first so I can really see what a mess my life is.
I feel frozen in time, stuck, "extinguished", I feel like I just wanna go march off into some forest and live off the land.
I look at all these people going to work, kissing their wives when they come home, they have children, they're just IN that produtive rut of life.
And another side of me sees it as just that, a "rut".
I'm looking at that rut from the outside right now, and think all sorts of thinks to talk me out of it.
Like "do I just wanna be a slave to workforce like everyone else"?
Do I want washboard abs again just to eventually attract a partner so we can
have sex, do fun things together... then grow sick of each other till one person gets dumped and its nothing but heartache/depression afterwards?
Do I really want to quit smoking so I can take deep breaths, and feel healthy... just so I can obsess about how good it would be to have a smoke?
This is crazy, this part right here I'm about to say is the real mind fuck.
And I don't know if its the drugs, or if I've evolved into some psychotic fuck who thinks hes a closet genius.
But EITHER LIFE, EITHER WAY, it all seems for a cause that isn't mine.
Being a good person and doing what Im doing just because thats what people expect,
or becoming a fuck up and ruining my life just because thats what people expect.
Its sooo crazy, but either choice really doesn't seem like "me". I don't know if this is a spirtual crisis, or an identity crisis, but I've never felt so lost in my entire life. Even in sept when I managed to get some clean time, all I kept thinking was "punishment time". Time for life to suck for a few months, just so I can slide into some new role thats much more appeasing to those around me, but still for the most part sucks.
I really think this shit. But I almost believe that 95% of this world is just living a "convenient life". Like "my father was a plumber so it seemed like the right choice" or "I married him in college because I had a lot of free time to socialize" or even "I help people for a living because at one point in my life I was fucked up, and helping people makes me feel like I've got it together".
It seems like ALL of our choices are convenient. And one side of me says "whats the big deal?"... and the big deal is I feel like so many people die having accomplished only 1 or 2, or even worse NONE of their dreams.
Maybe tv/the media has brainwashed me. I'm not sure what I'm saying. But I think a lot of people lie about their dreams just because their REAL dream are often unrealistic.
Put it this way -
The question "Bo what do you dream of doing/being in your life?"
And I always have 2 ways of answering it.
When SOMEONE ELSE asks me its ALWAYS like this:
Oh well I love psychology, and I love people. I would lovvveee to be a psychotherapist or even just a counselor and devote my life talk therapy.
I think its one of the most wonderful things in this world, and I want to
be the best counselor I can be.
When *I* ask myself this question, its usually like this:
Hmm well helping people would be nice.. but a lot of the times people are just
fucked up and get off on the fact that they're fucked up. Feeling fucked up helps them feel like they have an identity as a fucked up person, and I'm not sure I wanna take that away from them or make a profession based on taking that away from them.
I'd rather be an artistic genius that gets paid large sums of cash for my ability
to transfer intense emotional states to the masses through my music. I wanna be just like BT the producer/composer/audio-tech. Anything he does is creative genius. Its just a constant stream of perfection and world eats it up because hes one of the best at what he does and THAT is what I want to be.
I'd also like to be a gifted entrepeneur like Bill Gates because I always have ideas and feel like I can use my ideas to get rich, better the world, and live out my life half of every year on some tropical island that I also own.
And owning my own harem wouldn't be so bad either. But all the women would be there by choice just because they love me that much and not because they're forced to be there.
Its a pretty problem I guess huh?
I think every being in this world has their priorities somewhat aligned like that.
Realistic priorities and unrealistic priorities.
But then is the issue of who the hell has the right to tell another person whats unrealistic for them?
Sometimes I just feel so bitter for not being born a "perfect person". I have SO MUCH potential, and can do SO MUCH with my life, but at the end whether I succeed or not, I just want to know I devoted myself to something **I** really wanted.
And maybe thats the real issue is how many conflicting priorities I have. If I hadn't started using drugs, I honestly don't even think I would have considered being some rock star EDM producer even just once. I likely would have thought "yeh right wtf think again".
Its almost like I'm on drugs so I can die having accomplished nothing in life, but have a GREAT EXCUSE as to why I accomplished nothing. I spent my whole life thinking and dreaming and doing very little at all.
Anyway I really need to get clean. People say drugs change the way you think but man the longer I'm on drugs the more complicated life always seems to become.
I never thought about this shit when I was sober. Things were clear, whether I was working on my real dreams or not just the fact that I was WORKING on SOMETHING made me happy. Now its more a case of "I'm just going to wind up devoting my life to a cause that I later discover I hate". Maybe I am an addict. I don't know, but at some point something has to changed.
Day after day after week after month after year passes by, and I'm still thinking the same things. Still feeling frozen. Still confused about as many things as a person can possibly be confused about. Always in a spiritual crisis of some sort whether its real or not.
I feel like I just need to seperate perception from my senses long enough to see a clear picture. I'm not sure what my problem is. I can fix my life the minute I decide I have a cause worth fighting for, but I never feel like I have that cause.
Sorry about the rant, but sometimes I just need to unload like this. They say its suppose to help make things clearer in life, but it never really seems to work.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Hence the following rant:
Now, here I am still totally there for her...but yet I feel snarky in regards to how she acts when I'm the one fucking up.
