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Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)
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winston red
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2008
- Messages
- 87
kudos to me!
I'm such a motherf***ing hero! Most people use drugs for years and years but I've been QUITING (yes, quiting) drugs for 2 (two!) whole years now!
I use 400-800 mg of codeine daily, lots of benzos and the odd IV methadone and hydrocodone as substitutes!
I'm such a hero, such a monument of self control, a paradigm of healthy living and success! I should hold lectures about quitting drugs to school children or something.
I'm so pleased with myself that sometimes I feel like jumping off a tall building - to see if I can fly of course!
I've also been quiting beer (wich is alcohol) by drinking lots of wine!
You can do it to!
I'm such a motherf***ing hero! Most people use drugs for years and years but I've been QUITING (yes, quiting) drugs for 2 (two!) whole years now!
I use 400-800 mg of codeine daily, lots of benzos and the odd IV methadone and hydrocodone as substitutes!
I'm such a hero, such a monument of self control, a paradigm of healthy living and success! I should hold lectures about quitting drugs to school children or something.
I'm so pleased with myself that sometimes I feel like jumping off a tall building - to see if I can fly of course!
I've also been quiting beer (wich is alcohol) by drinking lots of wine!
You can do it to!
jaredvillhelm2002
Bluelighter
I recently was ripped off by a friend of mine who i trusted very very much... I lent out my rent money to help a friend who swore up and down that it would be back to me within the week... this was feb 14 mon... fri comes the day we had arranged and not a word a sound nothing at all... finally sunday comes and i get a long winded bs story of why my money wasnt back in my hand... Well shit happens and i really do believe in that... So i accept that no money is coming this week... i still have two and a half weeks left... not a worry... or so i thought... each week i was treated with either silence or some worked up story of why i hadnt been paid back my RENT money that i had loaned out in good faith to a friend i held very close... well the first friday of march comes i've run out of time i've been fed another BS story this one wildly more fantastic then the previous one on why I wont be paid back once again another week late... I'm losing it... My roomy is losing it because we are both hurtin for money like a lot of people he has paid his portion and the money he had been saving in case i couldnt cover it he had to pay his other bills with... so we are in a dilemna... no money = no house... when not a friend or a single family member could find it in their hearts to help me for once irregardless that i have helped nearly everyone of them at one point or another i finally realized i was in trouble... So i did what i couldnt imagine doing... i sold my limited edition 360 my entertainment system all my games and stuff and most of my DVDs for money... so now i'm stuck on the comp all day every day if i desire entertainment but lo and behold my roommate when he so chooses to use MY laptop and play his rediculous facebook games for hours on end also refuses to let me watch MY flatscreen tv because he is watching it and somehow managing to play on my laptop at the same time... UGH!!!! I dont know i'm just so tired of trusting others over and over only to be burned... Light!!! You think at some point i'd learn... Well i think i'm to that point... I'll take all of my shit MY CAR MY TV MY LAPTOP practically everything in the house which is mine and i will leave and move into my friends apt and be his roomy instead because one its nicer and cheaper and i wont have to deal with my shit ass roomy and it'll help me feel like i've accomplished something even though all i've accomplished in the last month was to lose an enormous amount of money because like a small child i trust and trust and trust... No more... I'm done... I hate being used and abused i'm so over it and its time to move the fuck on... I wont be the one every one comes running to anymore, fuck em cause you know what... they aint got a problem fuckin me...
Gym it up, just be mindful of your body. Motivation for exercise comes from many places-- I used to work out as a kind of fuck you when I was jilted. In fact, I did that, more or less continuously, for years. Almost entirely because of the same person too.
Thank fuck I'm past that, but now my motivation to work out has to come from someplace more subtle. Ugh.
@PIP (a few posts back)-- while I'm not glad to hear that your appetite has gone into ludicrous speed, but it did make me smile to hear that you're not only eating lots, but eating well. Your body is being horrible to you, but it's still the only connection that us corporeal sorts have to you.
No rants just yet, but I'm working on one. Gimme a few days and we'll see...
Thank fuck I'm past that, but now my motivation to work out has to come from someplace more subtle. Ugh.
@PIP (a few posts back)-- while I'm not glad to hear that your appetite has gone into ludicrous speed, but it did make me smile to hear that you're not only eating lots, but eating well. Your body is being horrible to you, but it's still the only connection that us corporeal sorts have to you.
No rants just yet, but I'm working on one. Gimme a few days and we'll see...
Quit fucking Texting me all Fucking Day as if everything is back to normal!!!!!!!!!!
You IDIOT!!!!!!!!!
I'm still dealing with all the fucking anger I feel and you have done nothing to help make up for that ...................Go txt a fucking bottle and shove it up your ass if you want company
Just because your fucking lonely dont think your using me as a pawn to help you feel better.............grow a fucking pair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrr
You IDIOT!!!!!!!!!
I'm still dealing with all the fucking anger I feel and you have done nothing to help make up for that ...................Go txt a fucking bottle and shove it up your ass if you want company
Just because your fucking lonely dont think your using me as a pawn to help you feel better.............grow a fucking pair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrr
How I feel lately...
I use DXM in relatively small amounts (60 mg every 4 hours) on a daily basis for a reason. When I do it, I have more self control, clearer thinking, and an overall better mindset about myself. I used to go to counseling because I always felt a void in my life and it has affected my ability to do things. I was prescriped Pristiq once, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, and many different cocktails of things (not all together, but you get my point and I felt none of this worked). Before DXM, I would have trouble carrying on a conversation, having confidence about myself, or getting out of bed and performing simple tasks. I might just have an extremely low metabolism or something... I used to smoke marijuana daily and have tried many substances but for me, this method with the DXM works. I would compare it to taking an SSRI and it has been documented that it works to ever so slightly "boost" with the brain's serotonin levels. I will say that it has helped my life tremendously, although it may be a placebo effect. However, the effects of DXM in these small doses are noticeable at first but the effects tend to slowly go away, becoming more bearable and life becomes... manageable. Things start to make sense. Memory is so much better. My strength is magnified. It makes me smarter. Keeping a routine with this dosage is very important. It works for me. I have come to realize many things and one of these is that my "soul mate" does not know me as well as I thought she did. She does not trust me when it comes to handling situations, for instance... say I wanted to do something like buy something for myself, or even if I wanted to let my son try a small taste of ice cream on my fingertip (he is 6 months old) and this is a big deal, but her mother fed him half a bowl of pudding today. Why can't I do this? I support my fucking family, pay all the bills, uphold my position in the house, cleaning, cut grass, come home from work and stay with my family til I have to go back to work, put food on the table, do everything I am supposed to do, live my life as a normal person, I don't do illegal drugs on a daily basis. I would do anything for those that I love at the drop of a hat. Maybe you don't want to hear my rant and its annoying, but... I feel like its not right. Maybe this isn't love? I am prepared to face the hard cold truth of life, so be it. It is what it is. *sigh*
I use DXM in relatively small amounts (60 mg every 4 hours) on a daily basis for a reason. When I do it, I have more self control, clearer thinking, and an overall better mindset about myself. I used to go to counseling because I always felt a void in my life and it has affected my ability to do things. I was prescriped Pristiq once, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, and many different cocktails of things (not all together, but you get my point and I felt none of this worked). Before DXM, I would have trouble carrying on a conversation, having confidence about myself, or getting out of bed and performing simple tasks. I might just have an extremely low metabolism or something... I used to smoke marijuana daily and have tried many substances but for me, this method with the DXM works. I would compare it to taking an SSRI and it has been documented that it works to ever so slightly "boost" with the brain's serotonin levels. I will say that it has helped my life tremendously, although it may be a placebo effect. However, the effects of DXM in these small doses are noticeable at first but the effects tend to slowly go away, becoming more bearable and life becomes... manageable. Things start to make sense. Memory is so much better. My strength is magnified. It makes me smarter. Keeping a routine with this dosage is very important. It works for me. I have come to realize many things and one of these is that my "soul mate" does not know me as well as I thought she did. She does not trust me when it comes to handling situations, for instance... say I wanted to do something like buy something for myself, or even if I wanted to let my son try a small taste of ice cream on my fingertip (he is 6 months old) and this is a big deal, but her mother fed him half a bowl of pudding today. Why can't I do this? I support my fucking family, pay all the bills, uphold my position in the house, cleaning, cut grass, come home from work and stay with my family til I have to go back to work, put food on the table, do everything I am supposed to do, live my life as a normal person, I don't do illegal drugs on a daily basis. I would do anything for those that I love at the drop of a hat. Maybe you don't want to hear my rant and its annoying, but... I feel like its not right. Maybe this isn't love? I am prepared to face the hard cold truth of life, so be it. It is what it is. *sigh*
Well, I told her how I felt about the issue and we agreed that we have our differences and that we will learn to love each other more as we grow older together. In the back of my head, all I can think is whatever happens, happens.
Carl Landrover
Bluelighter
2011 has gone pretty well so far, so I can't really complain, but this whole week has sucked.
Friday is almost over at least. I hope next is better.
Friday is almost over at least. I hope next is better.
panic in paradise
Bluelighter
@Dave, heh, i just fished off the better part of a $100 in groceries i bought in a day. its been a while,, ![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
, and i know the risks, but i can bite my tongue pretty bad in a near frenzy! i can see actual gain now... 
im craving badly to work out, but...
my ribs and scapula, i dont think im allowing it to hit me as hard as it did arriving... thats okay... heh, just moments like this, when its think - oh, im not in that agony...? i guess not being on the opioids all the sudden, plenty of inflammation, actual un initiated sexual arousal and sensation of hunger after 1.5 years is pretty diverting- lol.
im loving the thought of actually starting from scratch - from my mind, presence and being,, and making myself out of what i chose to eat from now on... one true fucking hell fire cleansing here. seems that light sucked ¿that? sick right out of me ribs, ;-) and back into its own un proper arse.
idkwtf is next,, but ive proven more then "tenacity" through this -
something, i want to thank something; for this life was brought-forth & furthered upon; from what could of been accepted as - nothing.
, and i know the risks, but i can bite my tongue pretty bad in a near frenzy! i can see actual gain now... im craving badly to work out, but...
my ribs and scapula, i dont think im allowing it to hit me as hard as it did arriving... thats okay... heh, just moments like this, when its think - oh, im not in that agony...? i guess not being on the opioids all the sudden, plenty of inflammation, actual un initiated sexual arousal and sensation of hunger after 1.5 years is pretty diverting- lol.
im loving the thought of actually starting from scratch - from my mind, presence and being,, and making myself out of what i chose to eat from now on... one true fucking hell fire cleansing here. seems that light sucked ¿that? sick right out of me ribs, ;-) and back into its own un proper arse.
idkwtf is next,, but ive proven more then "tenacity" through this -
something, i want to thank something; for this life was brought-forth & furthered upon; from what could of been accepted as - nothing.
PhrostByte
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2007
- Messages
- 240
I'm clean(er) now. My name is Phrost and I'm a heroin addict... I've been to jail once and rehab twice. I'm 24. After my first rehab, I started using about 7 or 8 months into sobriety. Prior to relapsing, I met my current girlfriend. We've been together almost 3 years now... kind of. After my second rehab I relapsed within a month.
Anyway, I decided to make a big change. I immigrated to Israel and started living on a kibbutz ulpan (government subsidized commune where you can learn Hebrew). Afterwards, I plan on joining the military.
My only problem is that I want my non-Jewish girlfriend to come here with me. As you can imagine, it's difficult. She's a good girl and has a great life back home.. but I'm trying.
As far as my mental health. I drink quite a bit here... 3-4 days out the week usually. It's probably too much. I also smoke has like 2-3 days a week and take OTC codeine pills about once or twice a week. No real hard drugs though... I'm sleeping great and am generally happy. Although sometimes I really get depressed and miss my girl. We argue a lot now... we've "broken up" 2 or 3 times now.... it sucks.
Anyway, I decided to make a big change. I immigrated to Israel and started living on a kibbutz ulpan (government subsidized commune where you can learn Hebrew). Afterwards, I plan on joining the military.
My only problem is that I want my non-Jewish girlfriend to come here with me. As you can imagine, it's difficult. She's a good girl and has a great life back home.. but I'm trying.
As far as my mental health. I drink quite a bit here... 3-4 days out the week usually. It's probably too much. I also smoke has like 2-3 days a week and take OTC codeine pills about once or twice a week. No real hard drugs though... I'm sleeping great and am generally happy. Although sometimes I really get depressed and miss my girl. We argue a lot now... we've "broken up" 2 or 3 times now.... it sucks.
Things may not be perfect for you right now, but it sounds like you've really come a long way. While I don't agree with the politics of kibbutzes (sorry if that's an incorrect pluralization 
), there's no denying that for someone like you they're a perfect way to get out of your situation and start life fresh.
Focus on your achievements rather than your shortcomings, and you'll find that the latter will start dying out. Like you've said, while you're still not 100% clean, you're keeping it to relatively mild drugs, and have some completely sober days each week. That's no small achievement. In time, and with effort, you can increase the number of those sober days to the point where they're the rule rather than the exception.
Edit: took too long to write this; Aescip snuck in.
), there's no denying that for someone like you they're a perfect way to get out of your situation and start life fresh.Focus on your achievements rather than your shortcomings, and you'll find that the latter will start dying out. Like you've said, while you're still not 100% clean, you're keeping it to relatively mild drugs, and have some completely sober days each week. That's no small achievement. In time, and with effort, you can increase the number of those sober days to the point where they're the rule rather than the exception.
Edit: took too long to write this; Aescip snuck in.
PhrostByte
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2007
- Messages
- 240
Kibbutzim is in Hebrew yeah.. not sure about the English pluralization. Thanks for the kind words Dave.
Im pissed the fuck off at myself for being tied down to so many things. In my late teens and early 20's i could just fuck off to wherever without a goddamn care but now i have doctors, meds, my health that is declining and many other things to worry about. Im fucking sick to fucking death of it all 
I swore many many years ago that the day i took any orders from anyone or was tied down to anything that id fucking kill myself. Sadly circumstances changed that and now im just a goddamn slave like everyone else.
FML
I swore many many years ago that the day i took any orders from anyone or was tied down to anything that id fucking kill myself. Sadly circumstances changed that and now im just a goddamn slave like everyone else.
FML
gutted at my inability to control the caged animal inside. embarrassed at my emotional ineptitude and tendency towards displacement. disgusted by rigid conditions of self-worth, inherited & learned.
alone in unthinking vastness, aware and uncognizant, but it is all mere samsara.
alone in unthinking vastness, aware and uncognizant, but it is all mere samsara.
If we had a "like" button, I would press it. Your feelings are very well worded and pretty much how I feel.
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