First of all I'm pissed that BL keeps logging me off after like 15 minutes.
To my ex--
You were my first and I feel stuck. You said one night not too long ago, "We're gonna end up stuck together aren't we?" And I said yes, that seems so. "You're the only one who's gonna take care of me aren't you?" At that moment, yes. "Just keep loving me." And I have. I love you to death. But you probably meant to just keep loving you as a friend. There I go taking things the wrong way, you would say. But we were together just 9 months and I feel like you are a bigger part of my life than anyone has ever been. We used to be so close. But those fucking assholes had to hook you up the other night, and get that girls number. I wouldn't mind, sure it takes time to get used to and get over and shit. But you don't understand that. You just expect me to love it and want to be her friend. It wouldn't be as hard if you didn't turn into a royal bitch everytime you see a girl. I've seen you do it before. But you won't listen to anything I say. You always have to be right. You say I'm just like the other 19 year old girls.Well I'm not. And I'd appreciate it if you'd stop making me feel like you hate my guts one minute and love me the next. It would fuck with anyone's head, not just me. I'm more mature in some ways than you will ever be. You have flaws too, I would be with you again in a heartbeat but that won't happen ever it seems, or unless you choose. Sure in 10 years maybe we'll be together again like in your vision. It hurts to see you do all this shit that is wrong but I have no say, its your life. Make your mistakes. I will always be here and love you to death as a friend. We had so many memories together. I hope we can again. We're just better when we're not living together and I hvae to do what's best for me and waht will keep us from being enemies. It's sad, even when you push me awy I'm sitll right here waiting. You make me feel like shit for feeling any emotion, sadness, guilt, confusion, anger, hatred. Ideserve to feel. And you deserve to be told when you're being a bitch, like you've told me to tell you before but never listen. You can't expect people not to take things the wrong wauy when you are the way you are. YOU have flaws too. Yes I am jealous to an extent. But I'm still getting past that you're with someone else. You still count the days since your first love died. Instead of telling me to get the fuck over it, help me, support me, help me heal. At least make me feel like a human being instead of a slave. Just cause I tend to feel alot doesn't mean I'm weak. You feel too, you're just better at hiding it. WHat's worse is, I live with you and have to watch you two kiss and shit, while I sleep on the couch, and get looked at like I'm wrong when I leave the house and try to get away, like I should just deal and drive myself insane. I have to act like I hate you sometimes so I can keep my sanity.
Funny, I felt a ghost around me as I was writing this. IT's Grandma. Telling me she's been there too. Yet I feel so alone.
I'm on a fucking roll. I've had amy heart chewed up and spat out three times in the past 2 years. First tiem was gma. That's no one's fault. Second was sarah. that was....well we won't go there. Third was her again. And this time I blame myself. We weren't even together again. Yet I let myself get hurt again. You said you hoped you hadn't hurt me but guess what, you ahve, and it's NOT all my fault.
I'm drunk, happy fucking thanksgiving. mY friend ditched me on plans and I don't feel like going where you are to be with the only family who cares about me, so I'm here alone.
I will always be here for you. You just have to let me know you want me to be. I'm still a tortured angel.