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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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ocean said:
^You've been clean for 16 days!!!
That is GREAT!
Don't let other people pull you down.......
I know it is hard sometimes but try to stay strong...... :)
Click to expand...

Thanks, I'm not going to let them bring me down.


Just had a long talk with them, and it's super frustrating. Of course you're not going to understand the situation when you're not even listening to the fucking words coming out of my fucking mouth!

If you're going to twist around everything I'm saying, of course the situation is going to seem completely fucked. Sort of in limbo at this point....



Ironically enough, dope boy texted me before I started talking with them, but I'm done with him.
 
^^good for you dude. Can you block his number on your phone by chance? Or possibly change yours?

I know it can be a hassle but it's more than worth the peace of mind. I blocked my guy's # after I finally decided to end my last relapse and it made it soooo much easier not getting those "need anything?" messages.

My vent for tonight:

My sister is still out on a run, in the last 2 weeks alone she's been in and out of 3 different rehabs. She'll stay for one or two days and decide "this one's just not for me" and walk out. In her defense though, insurance kicked her out of one of them. I doubt she would have stayed anyway though.

Anyway, she "had" to crash at my apartment tonight because she was in town for "a meeting" and was feeling "dizzy and can't drive home". (I emphasize the quotations because I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth). I didn't want her to stay over but my parent's pay for my place right now and told me to let her, so I didn't have a choice.

Lo and behold, I go into my bathroom tonight and find a stash of vicodin strewn out on the sink. God fucking damnit, I'm trying to stay clean over here! :!:X

This is exactly why I don't want her around me, and she calls me the inconsiderate one 8)
 
Here i am in fucking morphine withdrawals and the goddamn pharmacy thats the only one im close to ran out of lopermide. Fuck them fuck them FUCK THEM :X. They are not open on weekends so im going to suffer all fucking weekend probably stayin on the toilet for most of it because those cunts forgot to stock their shelves.
 
I couldn't fucking believe this shit tonight...

First I was waiting behind 2 girls to pay out before leaving (took about 10 minutes). It's 4 AM, I want to fucking GO home. The last girl leaves and then this bitch comes up and asks me "are they in there?" to which I responded "yes, I've been waiting"- she doesn't even blink an eye and just goes in the fucking office to pay out, then throws a fit because she's claiming they overcharged her. TWENTY minutes later I go in.

Then I get walked to my car, and because its valet parked (and the valet has left over an hour ago) I am boxed in. Now it's 4:35 in the morning. I waited FORTY FIVE MINUTES for the girl to move her FUCKING CAR SO I CAN LEAVE. I was so pissed and told the fucking bouncers that I needed to leave and couldnt and they told me they were going to go ask her, but apparently didnt feel the need to for forty five fucking minutes at four thirty in the morning...
 
Sigh...

I had plans to go down the shore with my dad today, woke up and had to get ready right away, which meant getting a shot in so I wasnt sick from withdrawals. Sat in my room for over an hour trying to hit a vein, nothing. So my dad leaves since i told him i couldnt go. 30 minutes later, still trying to find a vein, finally see blood draw back, and end up FUCKING MISSING SOMEHOW. All of that fucking shit just to have a huge red blister on my fucking arm. I just wish I could FUCKING QUIT ONCE AND FOR ALL. BUT EVERY SINGLE TIME I GET TO DAY 2 OR DAY 3 I END UP GIVING IN. EVEN KNOWING ALL THAT TIME I ALREADY SUFFERED THROUGH WITHDRAWAL WOULD BE FUCKING WASTED. THE ANXIETY IS WHAT ALWAYS GETS ME SINCE I FUCKING HAVE IT SO BAD WHEN NOT IN WITHDRAWAL ANYWAY, AND I HAVE NO FUCKING BENZOS OR ANYTHING AT ALL TO HELP WITH THAT AND NO WAY TO FUCKING GET IT.

Just another thing addiction has prevented me from doing in life.

FUCK HEROIN
 
I originally was posting this in the alcoholism thread but felt i was bitching too much :)
I'm not actually angry but feel the need to complain a tad.........
I love my mom and she is so much fun.......she is like my best friend.......
I enjoy her when she is drinking sometimes- she is so loving and silly......
But she just doesn't know when to say when...and it worries me.....
When drinking my mother doesn't have rages or isn't cruel in any way- but carries on, makes foolish statements (not just foolish but ignorant), has poor judgement and insists she is right about everything. (and is loud and VERY social)
Though it can be fun on occasion- dealing with that every day is a bit irritating.
Not only that- they told her not to drink with her medication b/c she had a heart attack last year.
For her, it is not a problem.
When I mention she should lay off the alcohol, she scoffs at me.
Like tonight for example- she called twice,drunk. (and yesterday, and the day before)
Talking on and on for hours.....she was fun but said some stuff that had me asking "mom, how much have you had to drink?" and she says "I'm not!! Only wine!!" hahaha to my mom wine is not alcohol and pot and pills are not drugs. :)
 
^^ I can really relate to that because my Dad is the same, (only he doesn't call me when he's drunk). But every family occasion we have, we all have a lot to drink, and he always ends up insulting someone unintentionally. My oldest sister is a GP and has had a few "chats" with him about it, you know about the health effects and everything, not just about insulting people when he's drunk. He drinks every day, and has done since I can remember. He's a functional drinker though, and even when he's drunk it's not entirely noticable.

ANYWAY, that was not why I came in here.

I came in here to have a bitch about myself.

I am just so completely shit at everything. I suck at life. I fuck up every single thing I attempt to do. The only thing in my life that I can rely on to not fuck up is my relationship with Mick, and I've even nearly fucked that up in the past by being completely insane and stupid. But that is an entirely different story in itself, which I have enough trouble dealing/coping with because it's a huge source of shame, embarrassment, guilt and self-hatred...

But literally every thing that I start becoming good at, my body breaks down and I can't do it any more. It is so completely heartbreaking and infuriating! It's happened so many times with all different activities I show a remote interest or talent in. I cannot even count how many. The latest of which is my shin splints, which are so fucking painful and debilitating which makes it so much harder to deal with. I am finally getting in to my running, excelling at it, and LOVING it, and my stupid useless body gives in.

I've pretty much come to accept that this will continue to happen to me with every thing I begin to enjoy, but it's never any less frustrating and depressing when it actually happens...

/rant
*pastes smile on face*
*goes about business*
 
^The shin splints aren't exactly something you have control over, ya know?
It wasn't a choice you had......
You should go a little easier on yourself.
I totally understand the body failing you though:)
It just seems you are being very critical on yourself when , at least this in particular, is not at all your doing or anything you had control over.
It is EXCELLENT that you are venting though!
(I know you said a couple months ago you were working on admitting when you have problems or sticking up for yourself.....) :)
Keep your head up!
 
I am so grossed out and now I feel really uncomforable at my club...

I really like/love everybody at the main club I work at. It's more upscale so it can be really hit and miss, and it's been dead lately, but I work there 80% of my nights over the other two because I really like 90% of the girls, all the managers and waitresses, and most of the DJs and bouncers.

There's been one DJ who did not like me from the start. We had some conflict because he's a rude money hungry asshole who likes to make snide comments and expects girls to hook him up every night with tips regardless. I tip well and I will overtip--and on a consistent basis, which I do with a few people regardless of the night-- but you have to show me that you're going to work for me first. I hustled my ass off for my money, and yeah your job may suck at times, but you are being paid an hourly wage while I am PAYING to be there. You did not take your clothes off and grind on strange men all night, so if you want more than the average tip, unless I banked that night, you need to either help me out then or on a consistent basis. I'm NOT going to be bullied into overtipping you in fear of retaliation... and this did not fly with this particular DJ. He humiliated me in front of guys, skipped me on stage when guys were tipping, and put me on when I was talking to customers. I tried to make nice with him but I refused to give in and tip him a bunch of money.

About a week ago this rumor went through my club that I hooked up with somebody that worked there and it was fucking embarassing but I mostly cleared it up by the weekend. However since that stupid rumor went around this DJ has completely changed the way he acts to me. At first he was just being nicer, so I was relieved and was nice back. Now he smiles at me all the time, this really creepy smiles that make me uncomfortable, is always staring at me and making all these sexual jokes, or at least I THOUGHT they were (the atmosphere there is just constant sexual jokes and fake flirting, even with the managers). Now I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable around him and sort of nervous, I'll catch him leering at me while I'm on stage and it makes me sick.

Sexual harassment rules don't really apply there unless you're being like propositioned and everyone keeps telling me not to worry about it, but there's just something so creepy about him and the way he's acting it's making me so uncomfortable. But he works a lot and some of the best nights of the week so I can't avoid his shifts, and when I'm there I'm sort of at his will (if I ignore him when he calls me to the DJ booth I get fired). I don't want to tell him off because he hasn't done anything that I could go to a manager about, and if I SERIOUSLY piss him off he can and will make my life hell, and could easily get me fired.
 
^That sucks Mia.......
TRY to just let it go if you can.....I know sometimes its hard to let things like that go but.......creating any more tension than there already is may make things unbearable- Hopefully time will cool him down a bit-
Just be Careful....... ya know?
How are things otherwise?
 
I hate that everyone I meet anyone is a bullshitter. Ever since I moved I've been robbed twice, harrassed (condoms left on my door, notes left), and now someone who knew me but I didn't know that at the time was impersonating me online and giving out my address to guys that live 1.5hours away to "meet" (yeah, we all know what that means)... come to find out it was my next door neighbor and who I thought was my most trusted friend that was behind all that shit. She KNEW I have a severe depression/anxiety problem, she KNEW I have a disability, she KNEW I'm a struggling single mom with limited means and yet she still did this after knowing I reported every single incident that ever occured... and I'm pressing charges ASAP. But all this stress in the last few months set me back, I had quit smoking and drugs (cigs for 2 months, drugs for over 2 years) and here I am with a pack of Kools and robo tripping because it's the cheapest high I could afford. I'm tired of walking around with a target on my back, I'm NOT someone to be picked on. GRRRR
 
I am so angry right now! I want to fucking punch someone... this post is gonna be fucking long...

ok its too long blog!
 
I am... s n i p............. having my privacy stripped of me... Codependency is lame, and I'm not going to encourage it.
 
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Got into another wreck on the 4th, even though the car in front of me slammed on their brakes to avoid a car that was sticking halfway out into the street, I am the only one that made contact so it looks like i'm at fault AGAIN.

And to make things even worse, a kid in the car in front of me said his neck hurts, so now they're claiming injury against my moms insurance (even though he got out the car with everyone else and was walking around perfectly fine)

This is the 4th wreck that i've been involved in, the one I had last year was the only one where I really shouldn't have been driving because I was too fucked up.


I'm so fucking tired of this, why is it that every single time I start to get my shit together, earn some of my parents trust back, then some more bullshit happens out of the blue

every

single

time

I'm so tired of causing trouble for my parents, especially my mother, she's in debt because of me, all my wrecks (she went from 70K a year to 6.75 an hour because she got laid off) I end up totaling damn near 3 cars in 2 years, and only 1 was actually mine.

I'm starting to get a little worried because I keep having these suicidal thoughts, whenever more bad shit happens that's my fault. I don't wanna tell my parents because then that's yet ANOTHER thing they'll have to worry about.

All i wanted to do was finish this summer semester, enjoy my b-day on the 18th and enlist the next week then i'll be on my own, out of my parents house, their life and they won't have to worry about me anymore. But shit just keeps piling up

I really don't think I can take this anymore, yet I don't know what to do :!
 
I've set myself up well over the last few months.

I'm on the brink of losing a lot after this binge. I have to get into my work and schedule.

If only I could grow up and get past a lot of these drug issues, I'd be in a good position.


I'm mad I spent that money on that bundle. I'm trying incredibly hard to save up for a vacation with my girlfriend. I don't see her much, which makes things a lot harder.
 
^^^
Luckily it was just once, think of how much worse off you would be if you were still actively using every day, financially and mentally.
 
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