I am exhausted and sad. I had a mini panic attack earlier today. I did not see it coming. I guess it's because i haven't had my meds in almost a week. I had no benzo's so tried to drink afterwards but it kept on coming up. It was scary and lonely. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I'm still shakey from it.
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Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)
- Thread starter ocean
- Start date
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drug_mentor
Bluelight Crew
Well last week found out my grandma has a fucking brain tumour, had surgery on Friday but now they think it was a secondary tumour and suspect lung cancer. Now she is probaly moving in with us.
I already share a room with my brother but we are probably going to have to give it up to share a caravan or the garage. To make matters worse my grandma has always been terrible to be around, the only way to describe her is a control freak, emotional bully.
Now I am most probably going to be even more crammed up than before and watch someone I don't even like die slowly in front of my eyes whilst comforting my mum during her frequent breakdowns because my brother can't be bothered giving any support at all.
End rant.
I already share a room with my brother but we are probably going to have to give it up to share a caravan or the garage. To make matters worse my grandma has always been terrible to be around, the only way to describe her is a control freak, emotional bully.
Now I am most probably going to be even more crammed up than before and watch someone I don't even like die slowly in front of my eyes whilst comforting my mum during her frequent breakdowns because my brother can't be bothered giving any support at all.
End rant.
Sweet P
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2009
- Messages
- 5,243
Sweet P
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2009
- Messages
- 5,243
Cops must think I'm stupid.
Cop (after pulling me over last night): "What's in that bag beside you?"
Me: "Nothing special."
Cop: "Well if it's nothing special you won't mind showing me what's inside?"
Me: "Actually I do mind."
Cop: "Why's that?"
Me: "Because I know my rights, and I don't have to!"
They let me go shortly after that.
Cop (after pulling me over last night): "What's in that bag beside you?"
Me: "Nothing special."
Cop: "Well if it's nothing special you won't mind showing me what's inside?"
Me: "Actually I do mind."
Cop: "Why's that?"
Me: "Because I know my rights, and I don't have to!"
They let me go shortly after that.
Mariposa
Bluelight Crew
^Good that they let you go Sweet P
TG - I'm sorry you had a panic attack. I know the feeling well.
Is it possible to get into see your doctor to get a script? People who are attempting to cut down on/discontinue alcohol might be well advised to keep them on hand.
My rant: I'm nervous as fuck about starting school on Thursday. I have a lot to catch up on before then and that will be my first day completely alcohol-free for Octsober. The pressure is definitely on and I am wondering if I have the stomach for all of it. Deep down I know I can succeed at (almost) anything I work hard enough to do, and that I will be a good student and score well, but the material is going to be mostly new to me and if I run into a challenge, I have to persist rather than give up.
Stupid compared to many of your struggles - everybody keep fighting, I know I will.
TG - I'm sorry you had a panic attack. I know the feeling well.
Is it possible to get into see your doctor to get a script? People who are attempting to cut down on/discontinue alcohol might be well advised to keep them on hand.My rant: I'm nervous as fuck about starting school on Thursday. I have a lot to catch up on before then and that will be my first day completely alcohol-free for Octsober. The pressure is definitely on and I am wondering if I have the stomach for all of it. Deep down I know I can succeed at (almost) anything I work hard enough to do, and that I will be a good student and score well, but the material is going to be mostly new to me and if I run into a challenge, I have to persist rather than give up.
Stupid compared to many of your struggles - everybody keep fighting, I know I will.
SteeleyJ
Bluelighter
I feel i need to rant my shit somewhere. I recently kicked a moderate hydrocodone habit with occasional heroin, morphine, and hydromorphone use ( i've in the past been severely addicted to oxycodone ).
I started IOP 3 day a week treatment and fell into a severe depression and started drinking whiskey daily and ended up fucking things up with the family life. After being intoxicated for a week i woke up and decided to stop substituting one drug for another and get on suboxone maintenence until i dealt with my issues. The same morning my mother masterminded a goddamn intervention that said i hadto go to inpatient rehab or i would be kicked out on the streets.
I was and am serious about quitting but i fell on my face. Now since im changing programs i'm loosing the doctor who was going to get me my suboxone appointments for free ( not the script ). The rehab doctor they're sending me to will call my current physician and tell them about my opioid addiction effectively ending my clonazepam prescription ( which i do not abuse, i accually take much less than prescribed )....i'm terrified of coming off the clonazepam again, i was a wreck last time i did for months after until i got back on it.
I also got a call about a couple jobs over a 3 week span that will make me about $2000 -2500 ( which i have already specified i will have someone like my father hold on to, to pay for the suboxone appointments and script now ). Now my mother, who does not live here, is trying to tell me i need rehab now and work can wait....but i'm a felon and making $15 an hour with 120 hours in 2 weeks work is hard to come by.
Im just very stressed atm about the money, loosing my klonopin, loosing the free suboxone apointments. it's a clusterfuck, and the only reason i'm sober is because i want to be.....getting high won't fix anything.
It's just fucked atm.
I started IOP 3 day a week treatment and fell into a severe depression and started drinking whiskey daily and ended up fucking things up with the family life. After being intoxicated for a week i woke up and decided to stop substituting one drug for another and get on suboxone maintenence until i dealt with my issues. The same morning my mother masterminded a goddamn intervention that said i hadto go to inpatient rehab or i would be kicked out on the streets.
I was and am serious about quitting but i fell on my face. Now since im changing programs i'm loosing the doctor who was going to get me my suboxone appointments for free ( not the script ). The rehab doctor they're sending me to will call my current physician and tell them about my opioid addiction effectively ending my clonazepam prescription ( which i do not abuse, i accually take much less than prescribed )....i'm terrified of coming off the clonazepam again, i was a wreck last time i did for months after until i got back on it.
I also got a call about a couple jobs over a 3 week span that will make me about $2000 -2500 ( which i have already specified i will have someone like my father hold on to, to pay for the suboxone appointments and script now ). Now my mother, who does not live here, is trying to tell me i need rehab now and work can wait....but i'm a felon and making $15 an hour with 120 hours in 2 weeks work is hard to come by.
Im just very stressed atm about the money, loosing my klonopin, loosing the free suboxone apointments. it's a clusterfuck, and the only reason i'm sober is because i want to be.....getting high won't fix anything.
It's just fucked atm.
mrs_mia_wallace
Bluelighter
I am so fucking worn out right now
Saturday night I did so much cocaine and drank so much vodka I don't know how I didnt od... I ended up at my managers house with my ex and two other girls... My manager was all over me and basically two steps from raped me...
I went home with my ex and we somewhat made up. He gets crazy paranoid when he does cocaine and I had thought he wasn't still doing some but he was and the next night I sat with him for over two hours while he freaked out. He called the cops and I flushed his shit and ran to get his roommate who was 30 mins away...
He ended up getting put on a 24 hour hold and his brother, the owner of my club fired him and everyone else besides me. If I had not snagged the regular I did on Friday he told me he would have...
He told me I had to go in Monday becauSE there were no girls... I went in and then stayed with my ex (who I guess is no longer my ex) and got no sleep because I was taking care of him all night...
Then I had to work tuesday and I pulled a muscle but couldn't ask to leave early because of all this shit. Im in massive pain right now and so sleep deprived I can barely type
Saturday night I did so much cocaine and drank so much vodka I don't know how I didnt od... I ended up at my managers house with my ex and two other girls... My manager was all over me and basically two steps from raped me...
I went home with my ex and we somewhat made up. He gets crazy paranoid when he does cocaine and I had thought he wasn't still doing some but he was and the next night I sat with him for over two hours while he freaked out. He called the cops and I flushed his shit and ran to get his roommate who was 30 mins away...
He ended up getting put on a 24 hour hold and his brother, the owner of my club fired him and everyone else besides me. If I had not snagged the regular I did on Friday he told me he would have...
He told me I had to go in Monday becauSE there were no girls... I went in and then stayed with my ex (who I guess is no longer my ex) and got no sleep because I was taking care of him all night...
Then I had to work tuesday and I pulled a muscle but couldn't ask to leave early because of all this shit. Im in massive pain right now and so sleep deprived I can barely type
billyswifey
Bluelighter
I can't sleep at night. I wake up almost in tears over nightmares and shit. its only been happening the last 3 weeks since my (somewhat bad) 2C-E trip.... On top of that I nearly lost my fiancee over my depression, cuz he was trying to help and I didn't wanna listen, fuck I've lived with it for about 5 years, im sure ill live through it. and I've started cutting again. I hate it. but I can't stop. I don't know what to do.
I need to rant/vent really bad
my best friends asleep and my other one fucked me over
lately my entire family has broken apart over lies and lots of long stories that i dont care to explain
my friends have been my family for quite awhile
for a long time ive been afraid to date and get close to anyyone again. ive finally gotten cleaner and i was starting to talk to this girl. so me and this girl are chillin all night i leave for 30 minutes and come back to everypone passed out and my "bestfriend" fucking my girl
FUCK HIM
fuck tonight
and fuck people that feel the need to ruin my progress of getting cleaner
im laying here all spun out to fuck, flippin out and i feel fucking sad.
What the fuck how can my bestfriend make a move over my girl
fuckin trashy fuckin skank
my best friends asleep and my other one fucked me over
lately my entire family has broken apart over lies and lots of long stories that i dont care to explain
my friends have been my family for quite awhile
for a long time ive been afraid to date and get close to anyyone again. ive finally gotten cleaner and i was starting to talk to this girl. so me and this girl are chillin all night i leave for 30 minutes and come back to everypone passed out and my "bestfriend" fucking my girl
FUCK HIM
fuck tonight
and fuck people that feel the need to ruin my progress of getting cleaner
im laying here all spun out to fuck, flippin out and i feel fucking sad.
What the fuck how can my bestfriend make a move over my girl
fuckin trashy fuckin skank
Sweet P
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2009
- Messages
- 5,243
WHY THE HELL AM I STILL AWAKE?
Tonight I've taken 4x 7.5mg zopiclone tablets, 2x 20mg of temazepam (I'm thinking of taking another 20mg tablet soon), and an ungodly number of 2mg clonazepam tablets throughout the day. Meth isn't to blame, cos I haven't had any! My benzo tolerance is just beyond ridiculous.
Tonight I've taken 4x 7.5mg zopiclone tablets, 2x 20mg of temazepam (I'm thinking of taking another 20mg tablet soon), and an ungodly number of 2mg clonazepam tablets throughout the day. Meth isn't to blame, cos I haven't had any! My benzo tolerance is just beyond ridiculous.
ocean
Bluelight Crew
^Hope you feel better SweetP
izzy66
Bluelighter
i had this in the wrong thread, felt like i was raining on someone's parade, so deleted it and finally got awake enough to figure out a better place to put this.
anyway...
i'm just so fucking exhausted. 4 nights at work, 59 hrs total when i clocked out. it's taken 48 hrs and 5 showers to feel even close to ok again. i'm still so fried i'm not sure what day it is.
so many ppl have this damn flu. they have to call in and the rest of us who aren't sick will be sick soon enough after all the stress and extra hours.
i had three patients die, three families to try to explain why this happened when i don't even understand. how do you even begin to comfort someone who's grandma is dead because of a drunk driver? i get so angry about the drunk driving deaths. the drunk almost never gets badly hurt and the ppl minding their own business, just going about life stuff end up dead. arghhhh. but ppl still keep driving as fucked up as a can a worms, never a thought about consequences until it's too late.
a patient who seemed to be doing fine after a knee replacement was readmitted with blood clots and died right in front of the family after one of the clots that hadn't broke down ended up in the lungs. 46 years old, otherwise healthy, very athletic, no known bad habits. there's always risk with surgery but damn, this patient wasn't someone i'd label as high risk and obviously the docs didn't either. so you call a code, you try like crazy to get the patient back, but gone is gone is gone. the family looks to us for answers. their eyes huge, filled with tears and shock at what they just witnessed, what the hell can we say to them? usually another staff member escorts family out of the unit when shit like this happens but being shorthanded and all, they stood there and watched us fail...
i need a break and there'll be no breaks for quite awhile. we're understaffed, ppl are sick with this friggin H1N1 crap, and the patients never stop coming.
i want to relocate next spring for 6-9 months, get outta this damn heat and humidity, but i'm so exhausted i can't even start making a plan.
all apologies, i'm exhausted, really down, and just had to write some of this outta my brain and body.
thanks for reading.
-izzy
anyway...
i'm just so fucking exhausted. 4 nights at work, 59 hrs total when i clocked out. it's taken 48 hrs and 5 showers to feel even close to ok again. i'm still so fried i'm not sure what day it is.
so many ppl have this damn flu. they have to call in and the rest of us who aren't sick will be sick soon enough after all the stress and extra hours.
i had three patients die, three families to try to explain why this happened when i don't even understand. how do you even begin to comfort someone who's grandma is dead because of a drunk driver? i get so angry about the drunk driving deaths. the drunk almost never gets badly hurt and the ppl minding their own business, just going about life stuff end up dead. arghhhh. but ppl still keep driving as fucked up as a can a worms, never a thought about consequences until it's too late.
a patient who seemed to be doing fine after a knee replacement was readmitted with blood clots and died right in front of the family after one of the clots that hadn't broke down ended up in the lungs. 46 years old, otherwise healthy, very athletic, no known bad habits. there's always risk with surgery but damn, this patient wasn't someone i'd label as high risk and obviously the docs didn't either. so you call a code, you try like crazy to get the patient back, but gone is gone is gone. the family looks to us for answers. their eyes huge, filled with tears and shock at what they just witnessed, what the hell can we say to them? usually another staff member escorts family out of the unit when shit like this happens but being shorthanded and all, they stood there and watched us fail...
i need a break and there'll be no breaks for quite awhile. we're understaffed, ppl are sick with this friggin H1N1 crap, and the patients never stop coming.
i want to relocate next spring for 6-9 months, get outta this damn heat and humidity, but i'm so exhausted i can't even start making a plan.
all apologies, i'm exhausted, really down, and just had to write some of this outta my brain and body.
thanks for reading.
-izzy
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whyterabbit
Bluelighter
i'm throwing a rant in here.
ironically now that i've been back on dope steadily for a little over a month, while it does help regulate depression, of course every time i start getting sick i get depressed as all hell. it doesn't help that i recently got into contact with an ex boyfriend who i saw sometime this spring when i had a weeklong relapse (i was clean from after that relapse up until september). apparently he is MAD at me for relapsing. what the fuck does he want me to do, APOLOGIZE TO HIM FOR FUCKING MY LIFE UP? heroin made me lose him, and he was one of the few things that i've ever managed to get right. started hustling again to make dope money. i hate going to the fucking ghetto, i'm a goddamn white girl, i have no damn business running around there. and i hate hustling - i go to work, then i get off that work and start doing my other work. all of it is going straight to dope so it's not even rewarding. i'm furious, in the process of getting dopesick because my fucking boy never managed to get his shit together and our dealer never picked up his phone, i have to go to work tomorrow, all i have is fucking TRAMADOL to get me through the day, last night when i did manage to score it was some nasty shit that made my friend sick and my arm break out in a rash. i hate myself. i hate heroin.
ironically, all i want to do is get real high.
ironically now that i've been back on dope steadily for a little over a month, while it does help regulate depression, of course every time i start getting sick i get depressed as all hell. it doesn't help that i recently got into contact with an ex boyfriend who i saw sometime this spring when i had a weeklong relapse (i was clean from after that relapse up until september). apparently he is MAD at me for relapsing. what the fuck does he want me to do, APOLOGIZE TO HIM FOR FUCKING MY LIFE UP? heroin made me lose him, and he was one of the few things that i've ever managed to get right. started hustling again to make dope money. i hate going to the fucking ghetto, i'm a goddamn white girl, i have no damn business running around there. and i hate hustling - i go to work, then i get off that work and start doing my other work. all of it is going straight to dope so it's not even rewarding. i'm furious, in the process of getting dopesick because my fucking boy never managed to get his shit together and our dealer never picked up his phone, i have to go to work tomorrow, all i have is fucking TRAMADOL to get me through the day, last night when i did manage to score it was some nasty shit that made my friend sick and my arm break out in a rash. i hate myself. i hate heroin.
ironically, all i want to do is get real high.
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mrs_mia_wallace
Bluelighter
I've had the worst two nights of work.. My customer cancelled on me and it was dead. I got into a fight with a customer, one last night shorted me and one tonight screamed at me and called me a bitch loud enough for the whole club to hear.
Customers have been such DICKS lately, besides a select few. I've been so annoyed with them, anyone who slightly pissed me off got told off bad (apparently I made one guy cry tonight... That made me happy.. I'm such a bitch).
I really need to go in tonight but I feel like it's pointless with the mood I'm in. I'm just so fucking sick of dealing with assholes I can't take it.
Customers have been such DICKS lately, besides a select few. I've been so annoyed with them, anyone who slightly pissed me off got told off bad (apparently I made one guy cry tonight... That made me happy.. I'm such a bitch).
I really need to go in tonight but I feel like it's pointless with the mood I'm in. I'm just so fucking sick of dealing with assholes I can't take it.
why do i wake up every fucking morning feeling like killing myself
why do i have to smoke myself stupid to get through the day
why dont the psychiatrists help me out more
why do i have so much trouble being happy with my life
why do so few people care
why does everyone have to be so cold and hard, to be cool?
why have i been crying myself to sleep since i was 4
why is it that even when i'm so high i cant even click a lighter, i still feel shitty and unsatisfied? seriously?
why dont i ever know what to do
why do i have to smoke myself stupid to get through the day
why dont the psychiatrists help me out more
why do i have so much trouble being happy with my life
why do so few people care
why does everyone have to be so cold and hard, to be cool?
why have i been crying myself to sleep since i was 4
why is it that even when i'm so high i cant even click a lighter, i still feel shitty and unsatisfied? seriously?
why dont i ever know what to do
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After staying by my ex boyfriend for over a year and a half trying to help him battle his opiate addiction I finally decided to break up with him before he went in to rehab for the second time about 3 months ago. It was affecting my life in a very negative way and I couldn't let myself go down with him. I also thought I was doing the best thing for him so he could finally focus on himself and beating his addiction.
I found out a few days ago that he met a new girlfriend in rehab at least less than a month after we broke up and I feel like I have been fly kicked in the stomach!! I'm so hurt. And i have actually been doing well.. My drinking has been okay, I even came off my antidepressants. I have been really focusing on getting my life back again. In the hope he was to. Which sounds like he is.
I'm so afraid that the last few months of work are going to waste now, I just don't know how to make myself feel better and I'm scared if I don't make the right choices now I'm going to slip up and be back to square 1. I should have expected this after being in such a co dependant relationship but knowing that doesn't make it any easier.
And to make it worse he keeps on contacting me trying to organise to meet up so he can apologise for how he treated me during his addiction. I know this is just part of his recovery (and I have the distinct feeling to benefit him more than me) but I've had to keep on putting it off because I wanted to keep on moving forward and figured we could do it when I was ready. Now I don't think I'll ever feel ready. I have an uglier view of him now, not something i want him to see.
I felt really bad because I don't want to hinder his recovery but when I found out about her i just said all the things he wanted to hear, I forgive him, I understand and I don't need to hear it. I basically lied so he'd leave me alone and I'd never have to hear from him again. I hate lying! I'm thinking I might tell him he can write me an email if but if I read it I'm afraid of what it will say and that it will just mess with me more.
This just sucks! Someone please hand me a spoon full of concrete
I found out a few days ago that he met a new girlfriend in rehab at least less than a month after we broke up and I feel like I have been fly kicked in the stomach!! I'm so hurt. And i have actually been doing well.. My drinking has been okay, I even came off my antidepressants. I have been really focusing on getting my life back again. In the hope he was to. Which sounds like he is.
I'm so afraid that the last few months of work are going to waste now, I just don't know how to make myself feel better and I'm scared if I don't make the right choices now I'm going to slip up and be back to square 1. I should have expected this after being in such a co dependant relationship but knowing that doesn't make it any easier.
And to make it worse he keeps on contacting me trying to organise to meet up so he can apologise for how he treated me during his addiction. I know this is just part of his recovery (and I have the distinct feeling to benefit him more than me) but I've had to keep on putting it off because I wanted to keep on moving forward and figured we could do it when I was ready. Now I don't think I'll ever feel ready. I have an uglier view of him now, not something i want him to see.
I felt really bad because I don't want to hinder his recovery but when I found out about her i just said all the things he wanted to hear, I forgive him, I understand and I don't need to hear it. I basically lied so he'd leave me alone and I'd never have to hear from him again. I hate lying! I'm thinking I might tell him he can write me an email if but if I read it I'm afraid of what it will say and that it will just mess with me more.
This just sucks! Someone please hand me a spoon full of concrete
Mariposa
Bluelight Crew
Don't let your hard work go to waste, honey - accept that mistakes have been made, and believe in yourself as much as we believe in you.
You are a beautiful person and you will make the right choices.And everyone knows people who meet in rehab never work out. I have yet to see this be disproven - and as I am an addict, I know a lot of addicts, and two addicts in an intimate relationship almost universally crash and burn together.
Living a healthy life - eating well, sleeping well, not abusing downers (especially the last) will help you heal. You are an INCREDIBLY strong woman.
I've a rant, but it's personal, so I'm here to bitch about my horrendously sprained ankle and being a klutz. I won't use opiates to get through this though it is tempting as I am with my family for the holiday and I know there are some in the house.
Remember most of all that living well is truly the best revenge.
mrs_mia_wallace
Bluelighter
I had the most retarded customers on Saturday, they were all just fucking WEIRD:
-one guy told me no no no I do not want a dance, then his friend walked over and he told me I should ask him. I asked him and he said his friend should get one, I told him he should buy him one. The guy said no no no you're not buying me one then finally said OK fine. Then he paid for it himself?
-one guy told me dances were too expensive so I asked him if I wasn't worth the dance price. He told me it was too much for a dance but he would pay me it to hang out with me. I told him fine, you have five minutes. We sat down and he pointed to the LD booths and asked why we couldn't go in there, I told him we would have to do lap dances, so he asked well can we do one of those? Didn't we just discuss this? He bought one and wanted shit I do not offer so I told we should just stop, he handed me a $20 and told me sorry for wasting my time...?
-I had a couple and the girl was really hot and I got really into dancing for her and ended up making out with her. The guy got all jealous and just sat there and glared at me the whole time and then yelled at her. Why the fuck did you ask me to dance for your girlfriend then?
-one guy told me before we started "oh, I'm applying to join the SFPD, I just thought I should tell you that before we start" and then proceeded to try and finger me. SFPD, really?
-my last guy was asking me random questions and about how I make money and I told him lapdances, so which he replied "well it's too bad I'm not in the market for those." So I asked him to buy me a drink, to which he replied "can't we just do a lapdance?" ????
8)
-one guy told me no no no I do not want a dance, then his friend walked over and he told me I should ask him. I asked him and he said his friend should get one, I told him he should buy him one. The guy said no no no you're not buying me one then finally said OK fine. Then he paid for it himself?
-one guy told me dances were too expensive so I asked him if I wasn't worth the dance price. He told me it was too much for a dance but he would pay me it to hang out with me. I told him fine, you have five minutes. We sat down and he pointed to the LD booths and asked why we couldn't go in there, I told him we would have to do lap dances, so he asked well can we do one of those? Didn't we just discuss this? He bought one and wanted shit I do not offer so I told we should just stop, he handed me a $20 and told me sorry for wasting my time...?
-I had a couple and the girl was really hot and I got really into dancing for her and ended up making out with her. The guy got all jealous and just sat there and glared at me the whole time and then yelled at her. Why the fuck did you ask me to dance for your girlfriend then?
-one guy told me before we started "oh, I'm applying to join the SFPD, I just thought I should tell you that before we start" and then proceeded to try and finger me. SFPD, really?
-my last guy was asking me random questions and about how I make money and I told him lapdances, so which he replied "well it's too bad I'm not in the market for those." So I asked him to buy me a drink, to which he replied "can't we just do a lapdance?" ????
8)
panic in paradise
Bluelighter
no where is lyrica advised for treatment for ankylosing spondylitis, but they gave it to me. this stuff makes me feel like dehydrated - disoriented - drunkish - crap every time i take it, and it does nothing, but i keep taking it.
the remicade has taken some effect but, not enough...
the remicade has taken some effect but, not enough...
- Status