It almost sounds like your dad "doesn't get it". But I understand that you prob feel like you're already walking on eggshells with him so it changes what you can and can't say to him.
All I can say is after prison, I was clean for 5 years. (well 1 year before prison) And at that time of my life I was 100% sure if anything happened my parents would be done with me. But I think what I had going in my favor is how well I was able to hide problems from my addiction. I was able to keep a job for 4 years with the last 2 spent addicted to pods. So my parents were happy with me right up untill the point I told them I was hooked again.
The conversation that day started with them saying "why can't you just taper yourself off and stop?" and I said "because I've already tried 3 times and the wds are too intense". Than my mom said something like "well maybe you didn't try hard enough?" and thats when I basically lost it and started cursing at them.
"You don't know a FUCKING THING about how 'hard' I tried!!! I've have used every ounce of energy I could to taper, it DOES NOT work." And eventually they stopped talking and took me to my schools drug counselor, who told them I had to go to rehab because of the amount of drugs I was on. That there was no way I was tapering or doing it w/out a detox.
I guess I got lucky in that respect that my parents were still openminded somewhat. I'm not sure if your dad is the type of guy to say "well fuck it, if you can't stop then I'm done with you". Cause my dad definitely is the type to say something like that, but my mom is much more level headed about things.
It truely is looking more and more to me like you are stuck.
And in those situations it can really have to get ugly before you get "unstuck". I just wish I didn't have to go down that route. Is it gonna be worth going back to prison just cause your dad was ignorant about addiction? Definitely not.
I came to the end of this previous addiction with the same mindset as you. "If I tell my parents ANYTHING its over".
But that became reason for me to find willpower to taper. Not reason to keep using. You keep using, and you need to have willpower now more than ever.
In a way I feel like you'd be 100times better off right now not buying ANYMORE sub, OR methadone, OR dope, and maybe trying the pod route? Pods are NOT difficult at all to taper. Sub was a mfkr in that respect, and adding methadone and heroin to the equation essentially makes it impossible.
Pods never had those huge crashes that sub did. And subs not even a full agonist which is weird. Its such so damn strong that when you come down from your dose it hits you hard. Pods are damn strong too, but the crashes were completely tolerable. I can't even wrap my head around what the come downs from heroin must be like (comedown as in prewd stages).
You still gotta use your mind and try things dude. What if you took pods and were like "wow, these hold me pretty good and are easy to taper". You just have to look at logic. Logic is that I see A TON of people on this forum successfully tapering from them.
I see A LOT LESS people tapering off subs/heroin/methadone. And the ones that do are usually sick as all fuck no matter what.
Idk man I just found it fairly easy to taper with pods. I think you should try. Sure the paws are no fun but I would have to work pretty hard to get back into severe wds now. And that shit is simply not fun.
You should try stablizing on some pod tea, then taper it down. It might break the associations you have with scoring/doing heroin and aid the taper more psychologically. I'm almost out of ideas at this point man. I mean at some point you really need to accept its gonna be hard no matter what. But in another way you make it that hard at the same time. You have built sobriety up into such a chore thats its not. Everyday you're STILL taking multiple drugs and STILL chasing a high. Theres no logical reason for you to be doing sub/heroin AND methadone if you have ANY remote desire to actually stop using opiates.
You were on the sub by itself for a while so I know you have the willpower. I just think you've tricked yourself into the idea that getting clean is for w/e reason impossible for you.. which its not. And no matter what your history says, or me, or people on this forum, if you had the DESIRE TO STOP, thats the ONLY thing stepping in the way of being clean.
Your first job should be to crawl out of psychological hole of thinking you can't control how many drugs you take.
And you need to start becoming comfortable with a certain level of sickness everyday. It doesn't even have to feel like a cold, if you gradually stablize on ONE DOSE OF ONE DRUG for a week, then slowly drop it. You CAN STOP.
Its not rocket science bro I've said it before.
You have the rest of your life to use heroin and waste your life away. But you're using like its going out of style. It seems almost to me like you subconsciously realize this is the end of the road, so you're trying to have as many last hurrahs as possible.
But I don't think you really realize that the road ended 100 miles back, and you're not really having any "hurrahs" anymore. Call the addiction for what it is, NOT FUN ANYMORE. What other sort of motivation do you really need? Does the idea of being sober not appeal to you? It really is a lot more fun than what you're doing with your life now.
Sobriety opens to the door to unlimited potential and happiness in life, while being high all the time will only further imprison you to hell.
Just accept the fact its over bro I mean somedays I have absolutely no clue whats going through your head anymore. "I wanna stop", "I used sub", "I wanna stop", "I used heroin", "I wanna stop", "I used methadone", "I wanna stop" BUT YOU WON'T STOP. You can NOT possibly like the life you are living anymore dude I don't get it. Make up your mind one final time and at least get a week or 2 of proper tapering accomplished. Focus on small goals cause they will give you will power for the bigger ones.
Otherwise, you ARE gonna have to accept the fact that your life is not in your hands anymore. And where it winds up I really really hope you're ok with. But I sure as hell know I'd fight it with every last ounce of strength I had no matter what excuses I had not to. The road is nearing an end soon bro... make up your mind for once and just roll with the punches. You keep making this so much harder than it really is or should be.
