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Things are not ok

Apparently Taoist sages realised the link between playing music, healing & the heart millenia ago.

You fucking love music well it should be ONE thing thats absolutely non-negotiable in the next phase ☯️
 
I don't know that music is healing. It's more of a tool to express myself? I probably listen to the wrong kind of shit that the sages wouldn't approve of because it's self-fulfilling?
 
Sorry if that came across as prescriptive or spiritual or snooty Crash.. Really didnt mean it like that. Its the 2nd sentence of mine which i stand by. Because what jumped out at me from your posts was something you love. Music.

All the taoists did was study nature and the movement of things. One of the keys for us humans simply, is what we love. To transform and move. Loving something you love over time changes the whole frequency & possibility of things. Nor does it have to be a big thing, one could do they things they love in total secrecy forever.

Self-expression & healing to me seem like the same thing. Making enough space for anything we instinctively love.

As for the sages..probably a bad choice of words on my part. It doesnt really refer to purity especially if we're talking about taoism. All that word (sage) means to me is advanced explorer of internal realms.

Historically there isnt much known about the ancient taoists anyway. I honestly think they were mostly shades of trippers and drop outs and outcasts when it comes down to it. Plenty would have had bad/strange reputations in polite society. Purity & posturing goes against taoism in spirit. Priesthoods in taoism is a toal paradox. Its all erm very under the table.

Good to hear you listen to wrong kind of music haha im intrigued, i enjoy crooked music too. The Tao flows through everything.

Lastly, self-fulfilling things & wisdom are usually entwined just from my pov. As a result of thousands of years of repression, we trained to doubt this. Trained in self doubt. Not just in western culture either, eastern culture too, anywhere these seeds have been sown. Its all schizophrenically wrong of course.
Think of how normal it is to shame children, shame the body, shame sexuality, shame the enjoyment of drugs, shame , shame those outside the box. Infinite meaningless subtle forms of shame.

Didnt mean this to get semi-religious sounding honestly,🤒
 
Nah man, it came across fine. I get your point and at this stage could probably do with hearing any kind of different perspective on things because I honestly don't know what to think any more.

blue kringle said:
I honestly think they were mostly shades of trippers and drop outs and outcasts when it comes down to it.
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Sounds familiar lol
 
What is the underlying issue really is what Lance Dodes MD is trying to understand or help us to.
 
Crash Override said:
I don't know that music is healing. It's more of a tool to express myself? I probably listen to the wrong kind of shit that the sages wouldn't approve of because it's self-fulfilling?
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Music therapy is very healing. Playing it mostly. Listening can be very healing too with the aid of psychedelic medicine according to studies documented by say The Beckley Foundation

Still quite a new field. Sound medicine and healing. MIT has quite the research going on around it. New yet been around since Pythagorean times & beyond hah!
 
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Unfortunately I don't play music. I can only sing. A mate tried to teach me guitar once, didn't go too well. I'm just not coordinated or patient enough to learn an instrument.

Funny you should mention sound healing actually. Have you ever heard of a gong bath? The girlfriend's really into yoga and meditation and stuff like that and her new thing is going to gong baths. She's trying to get me to go to one. I am kind of intrigued to be honest, don't know how it works in terms of healing or if it's a load of bollocks or what. Maybe I should try. Can't hurt right?
 
Just having a slight drunken realisation that tomorrow marks a year since I was last sectioned. I don't know where that time has gone.

It's actually fucking scary to think about. I was so deep in psychosis and opiate use. My hallucinations are terrifying to me and they get worse with each episode. I don't hear voices as such, I see things. Hooded creatures and smoke on the ceiling. I was at the point of spending each night locked in the bathroom with the lights on because it kept them away, except this time last year I was convinced that poisoning my blood and releasing my blood was the answer. Police were called and broke the door to get me out, just in time because I was passed out in a pool of my own blood. I don't really remember any of this. My unfortunate friends were the ones to fill me in.

I get really fucked up dreams too, along the same lines of the hallucinations and had one last night for the first time in a long time. Proper panic attack on waking up. Freaked my gf out as she's never seen me like that before.

Shit fucking scared that this is the start of it all happening again. There's not even any major drug use to cause it this time. Bit of a lie, some drug use but nothing major.

The cycle always goes on. One day I won't be saved from it. I'm not sure I want to be.
 
Girlfriend and me are done. Big public fight. It was going to happen sooner or later. No major loss. But I've had enough. Going to see my mate later, score a load of oxy or something and see what happens. No point trying to be someone I'm not any more. I'm done.
 
Yeah you could be to something there Robi. It probably is a trick. It's going to backfire on them though.

I don't see what there is to be passionate about. It's shite out there. I'm supposedly "better", "well", and this is as good as it gets but it still fucking hurts to the core, it's too hard to keep this up. I'm under no illusion about the reality/futility of life and that we're just wasting time until we're gone or that I have to fill that time with something meaningful. Might as well stop the fight and do what I know.
 
Crash Override said:
Yeah you could be to something there Robi. It probably is a trick. It's going to backfire on them though.

I don't see what there is to be passionate about. It's shite out there. I'm supposedly "better", "well", and this is as good as it gets but it still fucking hurts to the core, it's too hard to keep this up. I'm under no illusion about the reality/futility of life and that we're just wasting time until we're gone or that I have to fill that time with something meaningful. Might as well stop the fight and do what I know.
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problem is, as you continue on with this, you will eventually downregulate all receptor sites, and just get side effects/sick all the time and increasing dose. even if you think "this is how i am, fuck it" a day will come when 1) the drugs don't work and 2) you will be much farther along in getting old. Then you have nowhere to run, and have to figure out the issues you were masking with drugs, or die trying. Better to just bite the bullet now and figure out what's under there. I know it's frightening and painful, but ultimately you will be happier. I would strongly recommend seeking some therapy. really helped me out. I'm down to almost nothing/about to go full sober for first time since i was 5 years old (was medicated on 40mg of adderall daily from that time forward)
 
cdin said:
problem is, as you continue on with this, you will eventually downregulate all receptor sites, and just get side effects/sick all the time and increasing dose. even if you think "this is how i am, fuck it" a day will come when 1) the drugs don't work and 2) you will be much farther along in getting old. Then you have nowhere to run, and have to figure out the issues you were masking with drugs, or die trying. Better to just bite the bullet now and figure out what's under there. I know it's frightening and painful, but ultimately you will be happier. I would strongly recommend seeking some therapy. really helped me out. I'm down to almost nothing/about to go full sober for first time since i was 5 years old (was medicated on 40mg of adderall daily from that time forward)
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Short break-a week may be and it come again.Hit me like a bullet.Have some vodka.The Sorrow and desperation hit me hard...Soo quick.instantly.....only solution and escape is goin to sleep.Tommorow will be better...may be.Good night
 
I usually post in the recovery thread, but realised I’m not really in recovery so looked for the most suitable thread.

I’m not ok.

I work away 2 weeks at a time. Im a bit of a goof at work and get along with every one, one person in particular knows I’m trying to get into rehab.

I used to drink everyday, now I only really drink when I’m away at work and when at home I binge for a week on benzos and opiates. I’m trying to get into rehab, probably have to wait 2 months , which seems like a. Life time and I feel like crying and crawling into a ball. I just want to be in a place where I can try and fix my self. I’ve tried a lot of things, but never rehab.

Maybe I’m expecting it to be the silver bullet.

I drive home tomorrow and have benzos waiting and some heroin which I’ve never injected but I have syringes/fit pack at home and intend on injecting it.

If I had the choice of being with my family for Christmas or rehab I would choose rehab I can’t deal with this anymore.

I was just telling a friend I’m thinking of robbing this cunt who doesn’t have a drug habit but sells oxys at insane prices. And he’s like this isn’t the person I’ve known for 15 years, you need help you are the kindest person who wouldn’t never consider robbing someone. I could snatch her so easily and I hate she’s profiting off people like me and she doesn’t have a drug habit.

I just want this to be over I’m so fucking sick of being at work and I’m also dredding being home and just using.

Just over it all. I want it to all end. Sorry to be a downer.
 
Blankenstein said:
I usually post in the recovery thread, but realised I’m not really in recovery so looked for the most suitable thread.

I’m not ok.

I work away 2 weeks at a time. Im a bit of a goof at work and get along with every one, one person in particular knows I’m trying to get into rehab.

I used to drink everyday, now I only really drink when I’m away at work and when at home I binge for a week on benzos and opiates. I’m trying to get into rehab, probably have to wait 2 months , which seems like a. Life time and I feel like crying and crawling into a ball. I just want to be in a place where I can try and fix my self. I’ve tried a lot of things, but never rehab.

Maybe I’m expecting it to be the silver bullet.

I drive home tomorrow and have benzos waiting and some heroin which I’ve never injected but I have syringes/fit pack at home and intend on injecting it.

If I had the choice of being with my family for Christmas or rehab I would choose rehab I can’t deal with this anymore.

I was just telling a friend I’m thinking of robbing this cunt who doesn’t have a drug habit but sells oxys at insane prices. And he’s like this isn’t the person I’ve known for 15 years, you need help you are the kindest person who wouldn’t never consider robbing someone. I could snatch her so easily and I hate she’s profiting off people like me and she doesn’t have a drug habit.

I just want this to be over I’m so fucking sick of being at work and I’m also dredding being home and just using.

Just over it all. I want it to all end. Sorry to be a downer.
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Normal.Everyone is a downer sometimes?For what is to inject H?If you never do it?Could very easily OD.Could have a nice effect on foil or snorting,no need to inject.Going to rehab is a positive thing.Not a silverbullet for addictions,but is good place to detox and get some strenght.Too much people became depressed and even suicidal around big holydays.Solitude
 
Blankenstein said:
I usually post in the recovery thread, but realised I’m not really in recovery so looked for the most suitable thread.

I’m not ok.

I work away 2 weeks at a time. Im a bit of a goof at work and get along with every one, one person in particular knows I’m trying to get into rehab.

I used to drink everyday, now I only really drink when I’m away at work and when at home I binge for a week on benzos and opiates. I’m trying to get into rehab, probably have to wait 2 months , which seems like a. Life time and I feel like crying and crawling into a ball. I just want to be in a place where I can try and fix my self. I’ve tried a lot of things, but never rehab.

Maybe I’m expecting it to be the silver bullet.

I drive home tomorrow and have benzos waiting and some heroin which I’ve never injected but I have syringes/fit pack at home and intend on injecting it.

If I had the choice of being with my family for Christmas or rehab I would choose rehab I can’t deal with this anymore.

I was just telling a friend I’m thinking of robbing this cunt who doesn’t have a drug habit but sells oxys at insane prices. And he’s like this isn’t the person I’ve known for 15 years, you need help you are the kindest person who wouldn’t never consider robbing someone. I could snatch her so easily and I hate she’s profiting off people like me and she doesn’t have a drug habit.

I just want this to be over I’m so fucking sick of being at work and I’m also dredding being home and just using.

Just over it all. I want it to all end. Sorry to be a downer.
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I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I would echo Nas47 in saying that if you've never IVd heroin, it's NOT a good idea to try it alone. In addition to the risk of OD, you can either burn yourself (miss a vein) or blow out a vein (jab the needle through the vein wall). Unless you are a phlebotomist, safely injecting into a vein can be an art in and of itself.

Also, robbing someone no matter how much of a bad person they seem to be, seems like a horrible idea. Please do not do this. It will only end in heartbreak for all involved.

I would do everything I could to expedite the rehab intake. I don't know much about rehab as I've never been but I do know that many mental hospitals also offer rehab services. Is there any way you can call around to mental hospitals in your area to ask if they offer rehab? A common way to get checked into a mental hospital is to go the the nearest ER and tell them you are seriously suicidal. I'm NOT saying you should falsify suicidality, but maybe if you go to an ER and say you seriously need rehab, they could help you. I honestly don't know if this would work. Hopefully someone with rehab experience can chime in here.
 
@Nas47 and @Jerry Atrick

Thanks for your response you speak sense, but I’m just in a place where I’m not thinking straight.

I didn’t use the heroin tonight but got some other stuff. I think the only thing holdin me back is fear of doing it incorrectly.

I have been upping my tramadol dose as it’s not having the desired effect so increasing benzos so I don’t have a seizure from the tramadol.
 
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