Things are not ok

[Crash Override]

I don't honesrly know how I got into college seeing as I missed so much school,lol.

And actually maybe thats not entirely true about having no interests. I fucking love music and have been semi-involved with a band lately. They're mostly mates (gf is one of their sisters........) and I've never managed to actually perform with them but I do bits and pieces. But also i suppose part of that culture is going to pubs and gigs and drinking is just part of it. And then we all get together other times for bigger events or just hanging out and its hard not to just do that line of coke, y;know?

 

[PtahTek]

stopping meds

Do ya mind if I ask what these meds are?

 

[Crash Override]

Sure, they've got me on lamictal and olanzipine at the moment

 

[PtahTek]

There really is no other thoughts than to talk openly to your doctor (about the obsession for self medicating) if this hasn't been discussed yet.
I am nowhere close to a doctor just another lost soul but I can feel for what you have going on. I would not tell ya to go off any prescribed medication without doctors orders but I can urge one to maybe try to get a tighter grip on the drinking as that has many times loosened me up just enough to go blow my paycheck in a few hours. Real talk.

 

[Crash Override]

I know thats the only advice that can be given man. it has been discussed, they know what I'm like. The worse the thoughts get the more i don't talk to anyone. And yeah the drinking is the first thing that always gets bad and leads to worse.

Real talk fucking sucks, appreciated though.

 

[dragonix]

Let it out

Things are falling apart here including my sanity have been for years it wasn't hope I tasted waking up after an umpteenth neurotoxic tweaksauce bender last night boozehound style rather hopeless despair like I won't ever get clean in this toxic society impossible environment for me to.

 

[Crash Override]

Completely get you on the hopeless despair front. It's funny isn't it. After rehab and hospital they throw you back into the world like you're fixed and full of hope and possibility again. But it just makes me think even harder about how shit of a place it is. But I suppose if no one has hope then they won't ever even try to make things better. Society won't change if the people in it don't strive towards something better for themselves individually. Do I believe that myself? Right now, no.

 

[Crash Override]

Me again.

Just having a rant I guess. Last couple of weeks have been a bit fucked up. Been so depressed at times that I've ended up in A&E a couple times for self harm. Fun times. Not trying to die or anything, just can't cope sometimes.

I know where this is going, I'm already starting to see things in the corners of the room again. At the moment I know it's not real, or that's what I keep being told, that what I see isn't real but it doesn't stop those memories resurfacing from before when it became so bad that I was living in constant terror. I dunno.

I guess I'm scared and no one seems to get it. All I see is the cycle happening again.

 

[PtahTek]

it seems like this cycle is forever and it gets worse every time. I don't know what will happen next time and don t feel like I always have a say in it.

I will have to say in all honesty it does not get any easier. At least in my perspective. We adapt and we move on. Or we don't. There are dark days... many of them. It makes the bright spots that much more valuable so hold to those if they can be found.

I guess I'm scared and no one seems to get it. All I see is the cycle happening again

Break the cycle. Just fuckin do it. If it is the cycle of alcohol and drugs on top of meds stop fuckin around for a minute and at least get bearings. Right now all these chems are mixing (and are most likely not meant to be) together and causing these "lapses" that are recurring....
I get it: I lived life expecting to be gone by the time I was 30. That was my goal. 24 years past my shelf life now and I get a bit more afraid each day because the longer I live the more responsability comes and it fucking sucks I aint gonna lie but for some dark reason I am kinda glad to still be around. Even though I am scared shitless of what tomorrow will bring I will face that when I wake up... just hope I have time to pull on the skivvies, yes? lol
Peace

 

[Crash Override]

I will have to say in all honesty it does not get any easier. At least in my perspective. We adapt and we move on. Or we don't. There are dark days... many of them. It makes the bright spots that much more valuable so hold to those if they can be found.

Yeah I just wish it didn't have to be SO hard all the goddamn time you know? Where do you find the bright spots?

Break the cycle. Just fuckin do it. If it is the cycle of alcohol and drugs on top of meds stop fuckin around for a minute and at least get bearings. Right now all these chems are mixing (and are most likely not meant to be) together and causing these "lapses" that are recurring....
I get it: I lived life expecting to be gone by the time I was 30. That was my goal. 24 years past my shelf life now and I get a bit more afraid each day because the longer I live the more responsability comes and it fucking sucks I aint gonna lie but for some dark reason I am kinda glad to still be around. Even though I am scared shitless of what tomorrow will bring I will face that when I wake up... just hope I have time to pull on the skivvies, yes? lol
Peace

Take it one day at a time kinda thing. What changed to make you keep going?

I don't know man. I think my brain is just fucked. For sure all the chemicals are/were very likely fucking it up. I don't seem to know how to make the right decisions. At the moment though it's just alcohol and prescribed meds I'm using (not abusing) and to be honest some coke this weekend...... I've been stable for months, longest time in ages but it's all creeping back in, like the psychosis starts taking over, the meds don't work, everything seems to hurt and be pointless. And it's hard to admit and really hard to talk about but I am really fucking scared about that. It got out of hand so quickly last time with a dramatic ending. It's hard to understand the fucked up reality I was living in, how far it went, how out of control it was. Or I was. I don't know if it was me or not.

stop fuckin around for a minute

Don't know why but this hit home. It's like you know me man hah. I like your real talk.

 

[ions]

Were not saying don't do drugs. Just be smart about it. And feel like opies are you get the fuck up. I'd say reserve the opies for old age and aches and such. But that might be all there is. So it's not always the best situation.

They say things are only going to get worse. I believe that with the crash of society and the economy. All you can do is prepare and do the best with the time you had.

 

[Crash Override]

I'll be waiting a long time if I wait for old age, lol. Maybe I'm not smart and that's the problem.

 

[ions]

Well, do the best you can with the time you have. Let the winds of the universe guide you accordingly.

Yeah, it's all bullshit. I'm 37 and am starting to feel the need for a light opiate sometimes. But I smoke weed all day long.

Drugs allow you to think and feel differently. You just have to make what you can of it and stuff.

Learn to teach yourself new material, and then you can read as much as you want...on...the...internet.

 

[Crash Override]

I mean I'm all for going with the flow generally but I'm not entirely sure the winds of the universe are to be trusted. When they whisper and guide me that's when everything goes to shit. It does feel like things are out of my control a lot of the time but by saying what will be will be feels like an excuse to do the wrong thing on purpose. Maybe I've misunderstood?

 

[PtahTek]

what will be will be

We may not have control of the car but we can get out and jump in another... kinda like grand theft auto. lol
Question:
Do you think we have any control at all over our decisions and/or quality of life?

 

[Crash Override]

Got to somehow stop the car first though?

I honestly think the answer to that question is both yes and no. Some things are, others aren't. I lose touch with reality pretty severely, that is not in my control. Or is it...? I've been told the control comes from doing something about it before it gets to that stage. I seem to miss that when that moment is.

 

[bewell]

So I came home early from a night at the pub which is generally unheard of. I just don't want to be around people.

Like I said in my into post I've been clean off opiates since December when I got sectioned. Didn't get out of hospital until May, my longest stay for some time, so thats been... 5 months of freedom? Obviously I started drinking again as soon as I got out. I don't know. I feel like I'm just going back into the cycle again and fighting with my brain to decide whether I want to or not. I don't know what I want.

I can't seem to stop fucking up my life, whether that is with alcohol or drugs or my relationships with people. I can't seem to break the cycle of depression, followed by stopping meds, going back to various drugs and then it always comes crashing down pretty quickly after that and I quickly end up psychotic and sectioned.

Like right now, I have a job, I have a girlfriend, I have a home, things are ok. But they're really not ok. I don't know what help I'm asking for, maybe I just want someone to know.

Cheers guys.

Thanks guys although I'm sorry you relate. I'm currently dx'd schizoaffective depressive type but who really knows to be honest. Originally it was bipolar. the drug shit kinda confuses a lot of that. It's like things "Should" be ok in theory but that doesnt stop me obsessing over the drugs and just finding ways to fuck things up over and over again. I don't feel in control of it. and it's what everyone expects too, they're all just waiting for the next failure or the next time they need to come to the rescue

Copy and print exactly what you wrote immediately above. Go to the safe people who are at the end/beginning of your cycle and hand it to them without out saying another word.

 

[Crash Override]

Well, do the best you can with the time you have. Let the winds of the universe guide you accordingly.

Yeah, it's all bullshit. I'm 37 and am starting to feel the need for a light opiate sometimes. But I smoke weed all day long.

Drugs allow you to think and feel differently. You just have to make what you can of it and stuff.

Learn to teach yourself new material, and then you can read as much as you want...on...the...internet.

Actually man I'm coming back to this because it's fucking me over a bit. What is it you're really saying there?

Am I not doing my best? Are you agreeing that I have no say in this, that I have to accept that things are increasingly shite but that's ok because the universe says that's the way it's going to go? Drugs fuck up my thinking and feeling, yes. They complicate everything even more, what is there to make the best of out of that? I don't know dude. Just be straight with me, my thoughts are jumbled enough as it is.

 

[Crash Override]

Copy and print exactly what you wrote immediately above. Go to the safe people who are at the end/beginning of your cycle and hand it to them without out saying another word.

Hey yeah you know that isn't a bad idea. I find it difficult to explain things a lot of the time, particularly face to face with professionals and a lot of the problem is that I don't speak up early enough. Hard to get out of that conditioning of keeping things to myself. There is maybe one safe person I'd feel ok sending that stuff to. Cheers.

 

[ions]

Let's recap

A)Be smart with drugs
B)Have Faith
C)Do the best you can with the time you have

I aint judgin'. It's from within. if you wanna excel, strength from within. I'm being very libertarian here. I'm not saying I'm doing my best, but I try in every moment to remember to breathe. It's out there. What you want isn't always you need now.

Take it with a grain of salt. I wouldn't count on strangers to assess one's character.