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Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

Kace, you have really been on a rollercoaster of suffering and I don't blame you for feeling exhausted. Please do not turn it all on yourself. Your parents want you to survive. You are not the terrible person your addicted mind is telling you that you are. You have a lot to give and whatever hell you are going through right now can be temporary. Try not to nurture despair but nurture small steps that will improve things.<3

@Smoky--I'm sick right now too. Do you have the weird cough/no voice virus? I know a lot of people that are down with this right now. Hang in there, sweetie.<3
 
My brother in law was hospitalized and my wife had to fly to Europe to stay with him. Everything is pretty messy and I have now to focus as it's me and the kids only.

In a very strange way I understood why my wife complains so much about our 'home duties'. Not fairly shared. It's too much to do and it does not stop. :\ It never ends.
 
Thanks Evey! <3
He's doing a little better today. Since he's still very young I'm confident he might recover faster.

Erik
 
Having a rough couple days.

I feel like I'm doing good enough, the world seems to say "you're bad". I'm not bad. One day up, one day down.
 
^Remember that both those opinions are in your own head. Evict the"you're bad" one and bake a cake for the one that says "you are doing good enough." That one is true, the other is just annoying baggage.<3
 
Sometimes heavy baggage. :\

I'm quite exhausted. Too much on my back right now. Doing my best every day.
I'm sure I'll feel good about this at some point.
 
i can't really find a reason to endure this bullshit anymore.

No sober, no job, no people. and I'm like "fucking cool, finally"

Being ready to die does provide a good bit of freedom. who knows what will happen around the corner, another fucking morality tale? fuck my existence.

No worries though, drugs always provide a reason to keep living.
 
^ I'm sorry to hear that. I believe you'll get better eventually.
I believe our instincts are tougher than we think.

Tough times come and go.
IMO drugs get in the way differently from how we want, even when we give up and want them to take over - it seems 'it' wants you alive.

Maybe you just need a break or someone close to you. Don't give up Boupstarnm!
"This too shall pass". Keep posting.

I hope you get better.
Best wishes.
Erik
 
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So I was gonna start a new thread asking for help, but I know I've come here for help so many times. Maybe I just need to type, without anyone replying to what I have to say.
This summer was awesome I joined the carnival travelling across Canada and was clean for almost two whole months. Then I came back home and fell in again. I knew it was going to happen, it was just a matter of when. My mum is on the verge of kicking me out again while I'm trying to find a job for the winter. I got back into actively using IV Dilaudid, and my mum has obviously found out. Now I'm basically out of money, down to 30 bucks which I know is gonna end up going toward drugs... man its pretty sad when I can just predict that I'm gonna waste this money without even trying to refrain from it. Why? I ask myself.. no idea. I guess to escape. But what am I escaping from? I'm just causing more grief for myself and my family. It's pathetic...
Why the hell does addiction have to be so hard?
I would never wish this illness upon even my worst enemy. It's evil. EVIL. and it doesn't stop.
How the hell am I going to stop?? *sigh* I'm so tired of this lifestyle. I need to change, I shouldn't be sitting here complaining. But I bottle all this shit in and don't talk to anyone cause I feel like a burden talking about my addiction all the time. It needs to just go away! I hate this demon, why won't it fuck off already?! ><
It's toxic.
 
It was very fun. I much enjoy the job, I''m totally going back next summer. It kept me away from opiates... Even though I did drink quite a bit and did some cocaine a few times, I dont really like it though.. I know I was just using, for the sake of using. Its so hard to stop even though its not the same drug... Just replacing one for another.
but yeah, it was definitely a new experience and I met a lot of new, cool people.
 
Cant think of a better winter job for opiate recovery then something along the lines of a profession associated with boarding or skiing.. Us snow riders drink like fish, so watch out for that guaranteed.. head for the mountains Papa as it's almost the season.
 
I had money saved up to go to BC, but i ended up caving and buying drugs. I'm so disappointed with myself, cause now I can't make it over there unless I hitchhike, and I'm too chicken to do that...
I'm stuck in Winnipeg 'til I can find a job then get out of here.
But I'm also afraid to go to BC cause there are a lot of drugs there, well in Vancouver mostly. I wanna go there but I can see things turning out badly.
 
I believe I know exactly what you are talking about.
One my of my best decisions was to select a place to live where drugs wouldn't be around as much.
I could feel the difference.
The environment you choose to live can change your life significantly.
Vancouver is indeed a great city but as you say there are a lot of drugs there.
 
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while i have been 100% sober for like 3-4 months now, i have been over eating. gotta cut out the fast food/ junk food, def put on some weight. why is it everything goes so well with waffles ? i've replaced loafs of bread with 72 pack boxes of eggo waffles from costco. think i already ate like 8 today. i'll put ketchup and fish on it with some potato salad... or peanut butter and banana with this coffee cake and rice pudding... there i just no way to go wrong i'm tellin ya!
 
Joe, I feel your pain. :\I've been putting on weight like crazy--not from waffles but from lots of other sugary carbs.
 
Me too!! :) We already struggle all the time with so much and move on with sobriety.
On top of work, family issues. Money.
No diet for me. Not now.
I want to eat well and enjoy my food.

If you feel guilty about it, think of it as a process. Maybe a daily walk could make you feel better.
Or whatever exercise that may suit you best.
 
Yesterday I went with the other art teacher from my school to install a school collaboration piece in a gallery for their annual Day of the Dead show. We had both worked really hard with all our classes to get work from every student in the school and then figure out how to put it all together into a huge altar and transport it, hang it, etc. We were so happy once we got it up on the wall--it looked so great and the kids are really excited to be having their first "gallery show".;) When she drove me home the workers were in front of my house with big trucks and machinery for the new pipes they are putting in our street and at first I just thought that they had knocked a huge branch off my biggest tree. When I got close I saw that they had actually split the tree in half and the man that accidentally did it with his dump truck was apologizing profusely. I started to cry and he was practically crying, too. I planted that tree! Well, actually that tree planted itself exactly where I wanted one from a seed that blew down the street over twenty years ago. I was weeding one day and almost pulled it out before realizing what it was. It was our street tree with a beautiful big canopy that shaded our whole garden in summer and even our cars parked at the curb. Woke up this morning and went out to get the paper and saw the remnants of my old friend chopped and stacked in the yard and started crying again. Ironic as I have been talking to my students all week about Day of the Dead and how death is part of life. It is. And sadness just as surely is a part of love.:(
 
Erikmen said:
I believe I know exactly what you are talking about.
One my of my best decisions was to select a place to live where drugs wouldn't be around as much.
I could feel the difference.
The environment you choose to live can change your life significantly.
Vancouver is indeed a great city but as you say there are a lot of drugs there.
Click to expand...

Yes exactly.. I felt great all summer because I surrounded myself with people who don't use the things I use. Sure there were other substances around, but it's not something I had a problem with. But as soon as the season was over, I had to come home, and that's when it all spiraled downhill.
I'm currently trying to find the words to break up with my boyfriend because at this point, he is more of a partner in crime than an actual partner.. I just don't know what to say to him. I'm nervous to break free. I've gotten so used to living like this that it scares me to change.
 
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