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Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

Eveleivibe said:
^sorry for what you've been through. Sometimes we don't always grieve straight away n you may still be grieving. Have you talked to a counsellor about all this? Thoughts are with you xxxx

Evey
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I didn't really get the chance to or really knew how (I lost friends to overdoses but never saw someone die before...and that someome being my friend). After it happened I literally locked myself in a room for 30 days and didn't leave unless to shower/use bathroom. I never witnessed something so horrifying in my life and I was so fucked up that night... I ended up overdosing too later on, but he was already dead at that point. We took the same shit... xanax, heroin, and drank a lot of vodka. I am surprised I didn't die even though during those times I did want to. I mean he had three kids... I don't have shit... so why am I still here? Thankfully tolerance, but still why?

/and no I avoid the counselor because when I tried once it was just a joke. The night I even ended up in the hospital they told me due to insurance purposes and since I've been suicidal for over a decade... that I could go home for the night, but had to answer their call the next day to set up an emergency appointment. So the time I went to get help they turned me away lol. I have a lot I've been dealing with for well over a decade when I started feeling depressed. Blah and I am only 21, but my life is sort of a joke and would have driven anyone over the edge by now... but somehow I am still here. I also am over 9 months clean from heroin, but sometimes I think about my past and where I am at... and question why I even am off dope? Or trying...

But thank you for your words regardless
 
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Congrats on being 9 months off Heroin. That's ace. Questioning why you shouldn't go back on H is probably your addiction trying to convince you that you need it. Questioning why you're here is probably partly due to the grief you're experiencing. If you are feeling suicidal maybe consider seeking help? Grief counselling isn't for everyone. You've been through a traumatic experience so it's bound to affect you.

With the Heroin try to think of the reasons you gave it up when it talks to you asking why you shouldn't take it. The negatives etc. i hope you feel better soon n I'm sorry about your friend.

Evey
 
I am not feeling suicidal. I was just talking about a time where I was... After getting off heroin and realizing how I was still alive after my 21st bday (I always figured I'd be dead by then)... really triggered something in me. I didn't want to die anymore, but I do want to get better. I am getting better, but somedays make me feel like I am not. My depression is still obviously there; however, I still continue to look back and think of how far I've come. It is truly positive, but right now I am at a hault... I am feeling stagnant. It's because the old memories above still feel like yesterday. I keep dragging it into my present and I don't want to anymore. So now I am learning how to deal with what I've been through and it's hard. I used to do heroin and ignore everything around me, but finally now.. I am dealing with it. Ughhhh well trying.

Also one of my majors was psychology and I know all the standard suggestions for shit like this. It's right in my fucking face, but I still avoid it every time even though I have the tools to get better.
 
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and again the mental health lot have fucked me off saying they can't help me and fobbed me off on to my drugs workers instead total fucking bollocks one second they are saying ive got problems and now they do this what am i meant to do walk in with my arms slit to fuck again

this has really fucked me over i was starting to think i was getting somewhere just to get kicked down again by this lot all this on top of a load of sadistic no marks making my life a misery carrying on with a load of fucking shit about me i really haven't not got much left inside of me

and to add insult to injury ive just tried to see a doctor to try and get some kind of help just to get told no because ive no photo id which means i can not register with them till i get some which will be 17 days at the earliest

all i need now is for the dickheads from yesterday to come in to the pub and start again and i will get locked up and i wont get out of jail for two reasons first it will most likely be a manslaughter/ murder that and ive got to many enemies to live more than a short time before some cunt shanks me
 
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With mental health you have to be off drugs so long before they're able to properly diagnose you as they don't know what the impact the drugs, and withdrawing from the drugs, will have on you, Foolsy. That's why they've referred you back to the drug workers. Hang in there, things will get better xxxx

Evey
 
thank fuck i am out of this fucking place on friday even if it means sleeping on the fucking floor ive had it with the two face sickos in this town all ready and i am not going to be goaded into a fight just so cunt can fuck up my life any more than it is all ready bunch of dickheads simple as that
 
Today was good and bad. I ran into my one really good friend today. She just got out on parole and so I went down to the local library... and laid on a tapestry with her all day. She is homeless right now and her parents won't take her in. It's really sad, especially because she is so young. She turned 20 in January... she is like my little sister (lol even though I am only 21 myself lmao) even though we used to do mad heroin together. It was so heartbreaking to see her this way. I am glad she is off dope (obviously because of jail), but I am afraid for how long. How long until she is overdosing again? Shit like that is running through my head. I also felt bad because I couldn't take her in. I mean I could have, but I can't. She is still going off the deep end in certain stuff and welcoming her into my home would not work. So I ended up hugging her goodbye as her piece of shit boyfriend took off with her.... after we waited the whole fucking day for him to come and he just kept yelling at her to make money. She is way too pretty and intelligent for this... and I hope to god she isnt selling herself.

/there is nothing I can do... and it sucks. I called her an hour ago because Ian came over to see me. He lives in a recovery house an hour away, but still came to see me because I was feeling like shit. He could have given my friend a sober house to live in... through the people that run his, but she didn't even take the offer. I don't think she even realized what I was offering her. She sounded fucked up and went on and on about how her boyfriend treats her good, but is a dick sometimes.

Ugh
/huge paragraph rant
oh well needed somewhere to spew this

Also why am I seeing this 31 year old guy off and on who lives in a recovery house? I have no fucking idea, but nobody gets what I am going through right now.

Also I just want to fall off planet earth today.
yay
 
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I'm staying at my girlfriends because I was kicked out of home and she's been having really bad anxiety attacks and it's stressing me out and I've been waiting over a month for a psychiatrist appointment i have in 3 more weeks but i need all this money in my account to pay for it (and have the majority of the money instantly rebated) but i'm on welfare and I can't not spend money for a week and i can't even afford to pay board and centrelink aren't giving me more money even tho i was kicked out and i can't get a fucking job and i have no transport and my girlfriend is so stressed out from having no money and i feel like such a useless piece of shit i just want to go take some money so I can make things better for her but getting locked up is the last thing she needs and i feel so trapped because i couldn't leave and all i wanna do is die
the whole medical system is fucked and the chances of help are slim so i shouldn't mind cancelling that shit and i feel selfish for spending money on my psychologist since it doesn't actually do me any good even tho she's the best one i've seen so far
things are so fucking shit right now
there is too much suffering
this is too much and i am not enough
 
Oh man, I hate it that you are going through this. Don't blame yourself. This system is rotten. Stick with the psychologist--it's hard to find one that you have any faith in.((<3))
 
I'm very fucked off with my mental health nurse fucking off my appointment yet again 20 minutes before she was due. I haven't seen her in 5 bloody weeks. I have recurrent psychosis that came on when I gave birth to my little girl 17 months ago. They say they are meant to be there for you all these do gooders but where the fuck are they when you actually need them, nowhere to be seen! An absolute bunch of incompetent wankers, they can all sod off to fucking soddery. Rant over.
 
Sorry to hear you're going through this. Is there not a way you can make a complaint? Could they maybe give you another nurse who's more reliable? I hope things are sorted for you soon. No one should have to go throuh mental illness alone xxxx

Evey
 
Thank you for your response Evey, I got on the phone to the fuckwits this morning and said look, I have not had a visit from anyone in 5+ weeks, it was meant to be a part of my integrated care plan to have someone visit once every 2 weeks and it's not good enough. I am currently waiting on them calling me back with details of a duty worker coming to see me. I told them that it isn't an emergency but I am feeling really good and strong at the moment and I want to continue on this even keel and would appreciate some kind of support in keeping me this way. Wankers that's all I have to say. Wankers of the highest order.

How are you Evey?
 
Eveleivibe said:
Congrats on being 9 months off Heroin. That's ace. Questioning why you shouldn't go back on H is probably your addiction trying to convince you that you need it. Questioning why you're here is probably partly due to the grief you're experiencing. If you are feeling suicidal maybe consider seeking help? Grief counselling isn't for everyone. You've been through a traumatic experience so it's bound to affect you.

With the Heroin try to think of the reasons you gave it up when it talks to you asking why you shouldn't take it. The negatives etc. i hope you feel better soon n I'm sorry about your friend.

Evey
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I´m totally off Heroin and methadone for more than 4 months. But I´m often craving and can see my addiction making good arguments.
Try to see what you´ve been through and how hard it is to stay clean for that long.
Congrats on your efforts. 9 months is admirable indeed.
Good luck!
Erik
 
xstayfadedx said:
I am not feeling suicidal. I was just talking about a time where I was... After getting off heroin and realizing how I was still alive after my 21st bday (I always figured I'd be dead by then)... really triggered something in me. I didn't want to die anymore, but I do want to get better. I am getting better, but somedays make me feel like I am not. My depression is still obviously there; however, I still continue to look back and think of how far I've come. It is truly positive, but right now I am at a hault... I am feeling stagnant. It's because the old memories above still feel like yesterday. I keep dragging it into my present and I don't want to anymore. So now I am learning how to deal with what I've been through and it's hard. I used to do heroin and ignore everything around me, but finally now.. I am dealing with it. Ughhhh well trying.

Also one of my majors was psychology and I know all the standard suggestions for shit like this. It's right in my fucking face, but I still avoid it every time even though I have the tools to get better.
Click to expand...

xstayfaded, you are trying and therefore you are succeeding. I know that when I was a little older than you are now, I tried to fix myself. Like you, I felt like I had the tools, knew what I should do and what I should leave behind and yet it was the scariest thing in the world to actually start that journey. It made giving up drugs look like child's play. There is a reason it is so scary. All those layers of protective denial, hardening, numbing, fantasy, negative thinking etc etc have been carefully constructed for years! Of course the ego is going to go into complete panic. I always picture my ego like the Wicked Witch of the West in Wizard of Oz when Dorothy throws the water on her and she melts screaming and shrieking NOOOOOOO.=D
 
She is. I wonder how long it takes for us to be totally okay. I go from super active to depressed, mood swings all the time.
I don't think I became a nicer person, just healthier.
 
Glad to see your doing well Erik! I haven't been on in weeks been busy as hell.
I'm doing better than I was, now that I have disability, I have some income. Yay!
Got my benzo's taken care of by my new Psych so my PCP can fuck off on that.
Least he's still covering me with a little Morphine ER till I see Pain Management.
In the meantime I'm stuck trying to acquire shit & get by.

So I guess my rant is that I was supposed to get 5 75mcg/hr fent patches from a friend.
Nope I do a favor & end up with 1 50mcg/hr. Better than nothing though.
I am almost covered, think a 75 or 100 would cover. So hopefully I can acquire either or.
Other than that just covering myself with whatever, till pain management.
Figure I know half lifes & can stop other shit & switch back to Morph's before appt.
That & shave my head so no hair test & since I can't urinate in public just leaves blood test.
So that should be easy peasy to be good to go for. Just gotta cover in mean time.
Fucking medical system making it so hard on legitimate pain patients.
I didn't wanna have to go back to hustling to get shit but for a month I guess it's alright.

Regardless compared to other issues I see mine is a drop in the bucket by comparison ATM.
So more than my own ranting I hope everyone else does better.
Sorry to see your getting fucked again FOOL, hope things improve for you my friend.
And again glad to see your doing well Erik. Hope everyone else is doing better as well.
 
Thanks IS. It´s nice to hear from you!
You are now showing you have the strength and you can achieve whatever you want.
Best of luck!
Erik
 
Every time I stop heroin long enough to realize that I can do other things with my life I also realize I am another year older.

I sniffed my first bag at 19. Now I'm 29 with a 3" scar from shooting. That's all I have to show for it.


Edit:

Fuck I'm getting so stressed. Today will be the first time I've gone to work NOT on heroin in about 3 years. I'm going in feeling weak, out of the loop, and I have to run a fucking cookout. That would make me nervous even with dope.

In a weird way it does feel good to feel something again, even if it is being nervous.
 
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True. I wish I´d have stopped when I was 29.
You have an entire life ahead of you.
Congratulations on your achievement.
I´m going towards my 5th month sober. Hopefully this will be my last time.
All the best,
Erik
 
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