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TDS The TDS grief/bereavement thread

herbavore said:
Today, Caleb's friend asked for some video footage or any audio clip we may have because she is finally recording the song she wrote for him and sang at his memorial. I got out the ancient video camera that I hardly ever used and Tyler figured out how to hook it up to the TV from the camera which was the only way we could watch because they are actually tapes. Suddenly there he was, this joyous little boy. His pure voice. His delight in everything. It cracked my heart right open all over again. In one video, my mom is "interviewing" Caleb on New Years day 2000 about what he thinks he will be doing in 20 years. She tells him that he will be 28 and he gets this incredulous grin on his little face. I feel like a can of paint that someone just kicked over. Everything that is me just floods out everywhere. There is no containing this.

This is why I need to go away. I need to be alone. It is too big to stuff down in order to go to work, make dinner, be "ok" a decent amount of the time for my family and my friends. It is something that I don't want to "handle". I don't want to "get through". I want to feel every single solitary thing there is to feel about this and i don't want to be constantly turning off the faucet in order to be a responsible, functioning human being.
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Herb, I don't really know what to say but I'll try anyway. Looking at videos is painful, I can't watch my first communion video because my dad died shortly after. He sounds like a little boy going by your numbers and watching that repeatedly is only going to hurt, really bad. You don't have to be 'ok' and get along with regular life. Take a trip, get away and maybe take some time. You are as Jung said the 'wounded healer' but you really have to heal first. I've lost plenty of people but there's no comparison. Turning off the tap (in Anglo jargon) isn't an option, let it go. Nothing wrong with hurting Herb, and you've got every excuse in the world. I know we've had some frank conversations but you are still in the stages of grief(I won't patronise you to tell what they are). One day you'll turn this into a positive experience (sounds mad hear me out) going back to Jung, you can help people, doesn't matter if you haven't had a sting of a certain drug, you've been almost mortally wounded. I hope you heed these words Herb, as I've not heard you been so open about this stuff for a while and is one of the only reasons I hang around.
CC X
 
herbavore said:
Today, Caleb's friend asked for some video footage or any audio clip we may have because she is finally recording the song she wrote for him and sang at his memorial. I got out the ancient video camera that I hardly ever used and Tyler figured out how to hook it up to the TV from the camera which was the only way we could watch because they are actually tapes. Suddenly there he was, this joyous little boy. His pure voice. His delight in everything. It cracked my heart right open all over again. In one video, my mom is "interviewing" Caleb on New Years day 2000 about what he thinks he will be doing in 20 years. She tells him that he will be 28 and he gets this incredulous grin on his little face. I feel like a can of paint that someone just kicked over. Everything that is me just floods out everywhere. There is no containing this.

This is why I need to go away. I need to be alone. It is too big to stuff down in order to go to work, make dinner, be "ok" a decent amount of the time for my family and my friends. It is something that I don't want to "handle". I don't want to "get through". I want to feel every single solitary thing there is to feel about this and i don't want to be constantly turning off the faucet in order to be a responsible, functioning human being.
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Hey,sweet Herbavore, this post makes me hurt for you. You help so many people and we all wish we could help you. I Honor your grief and I honor how you try to help other people, and be a light to them in their grief. I wish we could all wish hard together and shine a tiny bit of that light back to you. <3
 
Jan,

That cracked me to read this. My heart, my soul, goes out to you <3

I just want to give you a gigantic hug right now.

Go off - be alone. It's clearly what you need to do for your yourself! Anyone who knows and loves you can, and will, understand that.

You know, from experience, that the pain this has a brought you only leads to strength in the future. The images, and content, that you saw border cataclysmic - the discussion of age, future visions for his life... Egad, I can only try to imagine what the sights and sounds of those images brought to you by way of emotion. Honestly, I send my most sincere love.

Please take leave and rebuild. Take your time, and make sure you're stabilized before you try to maintain "super woman" status at home. Avoid being self-injurious; that's a tendency I struggle with myself.

I love you. May I call you?

~ J <3
 
To TDS community:

Somehow I had closed this thread.

This was NOT my intent, and I apologize that tis outlet was temporarily removed from people's access.

It's reopened...

~ Vaya
 
Today it would of been my best friend and former boyfriend's twenty-first birthday. Oh how I wish he was still here. I shall throw a bottle in the river with a note inside it once again (may sound corny but oh well). Maybe I won't cry this time but at least I can finally say I'm doing better. A lot better than I was before... I am okay and it has taken a lot for me to say that.

I miss and love you as always though <3 Happy Birthday Zachary!
 
Happy birthday to Zachary, xstayfadedx. I'm terribly sorry that he can't be here to feel the love you clearly exude for him.

Days of remembrance are on of the most respectful, and loving, things I do for my departed fellows; wherever his soul reincarnate may reside, I'll send up a prayer for him on this, the day of his birth <3
 
Nothing is corny. I think it is really sweet that you write and put the note in the bottle. Rituals help. Writing helps. If you have a relationship with his family, let them know you thought about him, remembered his birthday, etc. I know that helps me a lot as a mom when Caleb's friends and his ex let me know how much they are thinking of him.
 
Vaya said:
Happy birthday to Zachary, xstayfadedx. I'm terribly sorry that he can't be here to feel the love you clearly exude for him.

Days of remembrance are on of the most respectful, and loving, things I do for my departed fellows; wherever his soul reincarnate may reside, I'll send up a prayer for him on this, the day of his birth <3
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Thank you so much Vaya. Oh how I do wish he was here... I waited days and weeks, hoping that he would call. Hoping that he would tell me it was a prank. I stopped living even at one point and almost didn't graduate high school because of it (I was an honors student and even my guidance counselor and old teacher randomly showed up at my house one day to try to get me back in schools).

It was hard to lose him especially when my depression was already at an all time high. I was living in an abusive household and so when he died I was so angry. So angry at God for taking away my only escape, my love. I didn't know what I did to deserve everything that was going on in my life... and when he died I lost it. Then I later got evicted and sent to a group home. I lost everything I had besides my family and some friends (I had basically lost some when I locked myself in my room and didn't leave my bed.... never showed up to school again and I was so close to graduating... luckily I did but couldn't walk with my class).

I was so suicidal and seriously thought about it a lot and I still do but at least I can say those thoughts are much quieter... Throughout this all I went through the motions and I changed as a person. I really am a different person after everything that happened (some good and some bad). I can say I'm a lot stronger than I was before. That's for sure. I did however have a lot of times where I broke down and cried. Times where I thought I was at stage one all over again. Feeling fine then back to sad and then angry again... asking why did he have to die? Resenting everything.

That rollercoaster lasted for awhile but recently I have been able to say I'm okay. I'm okay. I do miss him and I always will but I have accepted it. I can't change what happened. I can't stop living my life because that can't even bring him back. It can further kill me though... further make me feel empty but in the end I know he would never want that for me. He wants me to live... I'm also no longer angry at God. Yes, I have my doubts at times but I'm not angry anymore.

A year ago my mom went to the bridge with me as I threw the bottle in the water. She held me as I cried.... I poured my heart and soul into that letter. This time I still wrote a well written letter but it was less painful. It wasn't a gut wrenching experience this time.

I'm no longer dwelling on his death. His death was only a pary of his story. I'm celebrating his life and the impact he made on mine.


herbavore: thanks herbavore, I guess you're right. It really isn't corny. It does help a lot.... It helps me get things off my chest. I have talked to his mother and sister as of recently. I always have been loved my them and they're doing a lot better. Yet, it's still difficult. His mom seems to be off the map a lot as of lately and I hope shes okay. I'll let her be though... luckily she is helping his old friend's get clean. Shes a substance abuse counselor and in a way I believe that's what kills her the most. She tried to help her son but she "couldn't". She did however but there is only so much you can do... Yet she still seems to blame herself. I really hope she can come to terms with the fact that there are some things as a human and as a mother that you can't prevent or control. Sorry to get all depressing, since I know you understand how tough it is to lose a loved one especially your child. However I'm glad to see you're doing a lot better. We all are for the most part compared to how we were at first.
 
xstayfadedx said:
That rollercoaster lasted for awhile but recently I have been able to say I'm okay. I'm okay. I do miss him and I always will but I have accepted it. I can't change what happened. I can't stop living my life because that can't even bring him back. It can further kill me though... further make me feel empty but in the end I know he would never want that for me. He wants me to live... I'm also no longer angry at God. Yes, I have my doubts at times but I'm not angry anymore.


I'm no longer dwelling on his death. His death was only a pary of his story. I'm celebrating his life and the impact he made on mine.
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There is so much wisdom in this post.<3
 
My grandfather passed away yesterday. I feel very guilty due to not spending enough time with him. Just wanted to post that somewhere and get it off my chest.
 
I'm sorry for your loss, jesusgreen. I was very close to my grandmother growing up and though we only saw each other once a year the bond was strong. After she died it didn't seem real at first because there were such long stretches of time between when we saw each other. It took two years for me to have a dream in which she came to me and we said our goodbyes. Separation by death, I am finding more and more, is similar to separation by miles. I cannot see my grandmother or my father or my son; we are separated by an unfathomable distance. Yet, in me nothing is changed. They exist. The bond and the love endure. I think this is all we ever had even when we were together. Try to let go of the remorse and just bathe his memory in the love you have always felt for him.
 
herbavore is so right - the love remains, it is the only thing that endures, as long as we endure. Remorse and regrets serve no one, least of all those whom we loved, who had their own, no less than ours. If you can translate your love into acts of kindness and/or remembrance, so much the better. May the soul of your grandfather be bound up in the bond of all life.
 
Bereavement support forum/thread?

Sorry I am new to this and I need your help in my loss of Where Wolf ?, my son Reuben who posted here so beautifully. Can you direct me to this site please, I found it once and then it seemed to disappear.

Thank you

Motherwolf
 
Hello,

I am sorry about your loss. I will move this to the appropriate forum. Here is the link to the shrine page if you needed help finding that.

Homeless --> TDS
 
I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. I didn't know your son personally but I'm sure he will always be remembered and thought about by the bluelight community.
<3
 
Hi motherwolf. I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of your son and want to let you know that you and your family have been on my mind and have my condolences. <3 <3 <3

We do have a bereavement/grief thread in The Dark Side and it's right here. I'm going to go ahead and merge this thread with that one now.

Take care. <3

Edit: Also Here is a thread letting our community know of your son's passing.
 
Thank you for this, effie. I am Where Wolf?'s mother. He died on February 9th. I will make use of some of the resources and just to say to anyone else, I just found Herbivore's posting on Mindfulness which reminded me of this resource - one Where Wolf? and I shared for a time, or began to share - and I will use now, as I work with his books and bring his voice out into the world. He left wonderful work behind, waiting to be shared.

I find this site a lifeline right now. I didn't think I would but I do. It is a connection with him. It meant a lot to him and I know he meant a lot to other people. His Bluelight postings are another facet of his voice, one I have heard and learned about since his death. I am so grateful for this connection.
 
Motherwolf- my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine the pain you're feeling. It makes me so sad to know you're going through this because it makes me think of my own mother. You're in my thoughts <3 xo

-----------------

Today is an especially hard day for me and missing my grandma for some reason. I just wish I could smell her perfume, give her a hug, tell her about my accomplishments in school, work, go for Chinese fold, etc..
 
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