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TDS The TDS grief/bereavement thread

I start a new job this week, and as tempted as I am to confront him, I need to be calm and focused. I'll be away for the next three weeks, and I am looking forward to having the distance from him. I can't even look him in the face. Maybe when I get back.

My brother doesn't think I should at all. I guess the one thing I would want my confronting him is demanding that they do not talk about me, that she is not to say my name EVER.

I agree, I don't think I should call her. They are the "adults." The thing that hurts the most is that he never showed any affection towards my own mother, or his own family.
 
Hugs Missykins. I hope this pain fades for you and as a bonus I hope it leaves you with a gem of a lesson.

I was going to post in here today because my Uncle Bill died yesterday. He and Margaret, my mom's last living sister, had been married for 64 years. My mom was crushed. She was the youngest girl in her family and now she and Margaret are cherishing their kinship and shared experiences every moment they can.

I can see full well that getting old enough to outlive most everybody they've ever known is no fun. Now they relish the past and share sweet memories.

When I started writing it, I realized their sweet memories are not anything like what I remember from the kin in Virginia. Then memories started flooding over me and I wrote as much as I could as fast as I could to try to get it all down.

I ended up putting it in my blog. I need time to process this paradigm shift.
 
Christmas 2011 my best friend Dylan Breternitz was shot to death.

I miss him more and more. cant get it out of my mind. its always in the back of my mind.


He used to live at my place, while he was here he used to carve arrowheads with a smooth river stone. I found said stone about a week ago, and placed it in my windowsill, along with a picture of him. Since then, I've been having strange dreams of him every night. Using dreams, about heroin. nothing nice. Fed up with it now, so I took his stone out of my room. hopefully i wont have these nightmares anymore.


anyways i miss him so. was the best friend ive ever had, and im never gona get to see him or talk to him again. I see him in my dreams, but theyre not nice dreams.

will i get over this any time soon? i hope so
 
I am so sorry about your friend. What a terrible way to be taken from this life. Was he someone that you used with a lot? That could be why that is what is coming up in your dreams. I can understand why the dreams would bother you but perhaps they are trying to tell you something. Perhaps the connection between using and death? I think that missing him so terribly is bringing up your vulnerable places and maybe that could be triggering the using dreams, too.

Death is like a door slammed shut. The dead are on one side. We are on the other. It can be a rollercoaster ride of emotions for quite a while. Get all the support you can find and try to find ways to personally honor your friend. It can be easy to fall into depression and isolating so be wary. PM me any time if you need to.<3
 
This needs to not be off the first page right now.

I don't usually do this, but <bump>
 
Well it's been three weeks and two days since my dad of 59 past away.

The pain and uncontrollable emotions are frequent and unpredictable (in terms of when it happens).

I usually have been a moderate drinker (working in a brewery doesent help), but due to some of dads problems involving his liver, I have been cutting down significantly, which isn't really helping.

Last week I went to the doc because sleep has been horrible, dreams have been extremely weird and some nights i was waking up crying or shit scared of something. He prescribed me 5mg of diazepam to take for two weeks. It's been helping massively, but on Sunday arvo I was feeling shit and wanted a break. I ended up taking around 30mg over 2 hours, the arvo was good, I played ps3, watch movies and relaxed for the first time in 4 months.
Woke up Monday to head to work and god damn did I feel like shit.

I smoke weed regularly, and have been for 10ish years (I'm 26). This is the first time in my life it really isn't helping me, but I keep smoking.

Yesterday my mum sent me a photo frame of me and my dad, it tore me apart to see how healthy he was only 10 months ago (he died from n.h. lymphoma at home with me and his partner by his side).

I'm getting to the point where nothing is making much sense anymore, my dad was the greatest person I ever knew, his wisdom and insight in any matter was amazing, he looked after people with mental disabilities and loved them all for who they were. I don't know anyone with a heart a fraction the size of his.

I have been blessed to have a father like him but why did I have to lose him do early? There was so many things we still had to do together.

Shit, I'm at work and all this is making me a slight but teary, so I'm out for now.
 
It is heartbreaking that your Dad died so young. He does sound not only like an amazing father but the kind of incredible human being that the world needs more of. Losing someone that brings so much light and joy and and pure love into your life is devastating. One thing that helped me when my Dad died was to identify what those wonderful qualities of his were and then to make a vow to try to carry them on myself as a way to honor him. I bet that your Dad passed on that big heart to you and I imagine that his legacy will carry on through you. I know that it is not much of a comfort to you but speaking as a parent myself, nothing makes us feel better than seeing our kids absorb some of the values we tried to pass on. I'm sure you made him very proud.

Three weeks is such a short time. The grief process is a long one. Give yourself time to cry in a safe place as much as you can. Talk out loud to him. Whatever you need to do, do it until that need is replaced by another. Your father left a huge hole in your life because he had a huge influence and because the love between you was so profound. <3
 
Yeah, I've got massive shoes to fill now. I really need to look after my sister (she's 2 years younger than me), but can't handle talking confidently and reassuring her unless I'm under the influence of something, alcohol, benzos and weed.
It pisses me off that I can't do it without substances, I know dad hated pharmaceuticals (he was a hippy who found himself years ago with the help of LSD, well that's what he told me. His mother was a heavy barbiturate user at a stage in his life, it caused major problems that dad never really explained.)

I don't feel like I deserve what he's left me, and think I'm going to punish myself for a long time due to this, I have so much growing up to do, but feel I'm going to go about it the wrong way.

Blah, I'm rambling now.
 
Well, don't put pressure on yourself to "fill his shoes" just yet. You are young and he probably took a while to grow into who he was as you knew him, too. Do you have access to any counseling? It might really help. There is counseling that is specific to grief that is offered free or low-cost in the States through Hospice--don't know if that is available where you are. It sounds like you have some big issues to work through and a good counselor could give you a different perspective perhaps.
 
Hope everyone is doing well in this thread.... I know its hard but things will get better <3

I still find myself crying over my boyfriend who passed away in april. It's scary to know the year mark is coming up soon... Things have slowly been getting easier but sometimes I still can't accept the fact he's gone. I wish he was still here with me... I loved him so much and I still do. He can never be replaced and he will forever be in my heart but life goes on. I have to move on eventually and I know its been almost a year but its hard to do so at times. I am slowly doing so but I still find myself not wanting to let go. I don't think I ever will, ill learn to live with his death but I will always carry everything we had with me.

I love you Zachary <3 I'm really trying to keep strong for you.... I just hope I can stop doing stupid shit before I end up 6ft under as well. My mother tells me I should learn from your death and I know she's right but why am I still on this road of self-destruction? I know that's not what you would want. I'm trying to get better though.. I hope I can get better even if I won't for me but I will for you.
 
^I know what you mean about the year mark. It feels terrible. Much love to you, xstay. I hope that you can begin to turn the tide on your self-destruction. You are strong and loving and you deserve acceptance from yourself.<3
 
herbavore said:
^I know what you mean about the year mark. It feels terrible. Much love to you, xstay. I hope that you can begin to turn the tide on your self-destruction. You are strong and loving and you deserve acceptance from yourself.<3
Click to expand...
Thanks herbavore <3 and it does feel terrible... If only we never had to go through this pain... I can't believe its almost been a year already. Its so hard to fathom the fact he's been gone this long already... I wish I could go back in time and change things but of course that is only a dream that will never be. So for now I will have to work on changing my ways and for the better.
 
My amazing friend Sam died yesterday, I found out last night. He was only 27 and this is a complete shock. I can't believe it :(

Sam was one of the most incredible people I have ever met, one of my very best friends from my University days.. I'd not seen him since Dave died but we'd stayed in touch online and I was going to visit him soon.. Sam was larger than life, kind, gentle, wickedly funny, a wrong'un in all the right ways, a dedicated raver who also sung in the cathedral choir and was studying at music college.. and a truly wonderful friend. I can't believe I'll never see him again.

Love you millions Sam. Wtf happened? Feels like some kind of horrible joke.. can't believe I've lost someone else like this.. <3 <3 <3
 
Oh, effie, I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. When very happy people die, people that are so full of life and engaged in everything, there is not even the consolation that they are out of pain.

(((((((((((((<3<3<3))))))))))))
 
Thank you herb <3 <3

He was another one like our boys, full of life, larger than life somehow and loved by so many.. definitely another one where you find yourself saying cliches like "he was one of the most amazing people I ever knew" and you mean it, he really was. I can't believe he's gone. Am so so sad tonight, this is all wrong :(
 
So today marks a year since my boyfriend and bestest friend in the world died. I can't believe its already been a whole fucking year.... I miss him so much and I know I always will. The pain has subsided somewhat but then again it is still very strong. I still find myself crying out of nowhere and I wish I could change things. I wish I could bring him back.... I need him here because everything is so hard right now and I need him more than ever. Ugh, I never knew I could go through heartache this bad.... However I'm going to try my hardest to make it through today. Sadly I already know I'm going to breakdown though. I can feel it but I'm going to try my hardest to make this day about his life and not his death.

I love you so much Zachary <3 like I once said before this isn't a goodbye. I will see you again one day but for now I can be content with knowing that you're okay. You no longer have to go through all that pain, you're finally free. Free from all the problems you faced down here. I just wish we could have found another way for you to be happy without death being involved. So yeah I talked to my sister today and she told me how she talked about you yesterday with her friend. She misses you very much as well and you were always there for her too. Can you please continue to watch over her? Its hard for me to do since I'm so far away from her :( other than that I love you !! Always and forever. I'm not going to write too much her because I'm going to throw another bottle into the lake later....

<3
 
I just cant bielieve that there was conspireing to have her basicly snatched away from me... Ive looked after this girl for 11- 12 yrs, now i let trust fuck me again and im left wiht the fact that right now im the sole carer of me after all this time.. Im worried sick about my kid, can take action on the fedreal level, but would rather avoid putting my kid thru that but im trying to talk with the mother and shes just off her head. Daughter has her minipulated as teens do same with my mother thats just washed her hands of the situation. Everythings fucked. another round of phone calls that will probably go nowhere then have to call in the big gunz. Im just hurtin she wasnt returned as agreed. FFS she was going to live there nxt year anyway. I want whats best for herr and i dun even know what the go is up there, She has already missed a week of school and the mother doesnt seem to give a fuck, my head is done and i havnt even finished this shit is fucked but if i turn up there shit will just be worse.. Il look like the psyco coz they will bait me, the first time i let her go by herself, against my better judgment i get screwed, and so does my kid after the first few weeks if i dont get her back the mother will soon realise shes dealing with a teenage girl, I hope she has her football helmet. Im left fucked i know it not about me but i feel empty and robbed and like this cant be done. Calling the feds is the last resort and i dunno if thats in the best interests of my child, on the other hand i cant acess thier living area so yer its just a giant loss atm in her and myself:(
 
S.M.F.G. that sounds so hard. Do you share legal custody? What does your daughter say she wants to do?
 
I'm missing my best friend who passed last year so much tonight. She was truly one of a kind, what I wouldn't do to be able to chat to her right now. I so much wish that things were different, or that I could go back and savour every word we spoke, hang out like we used to and never take her for granted.
 
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