TDS The TDS grief/bereavement thread

[ageingpartyfiend]

I took a "Death and Dying" psychology course in college and had an awesome professor. He used to be a grief counselor. One of the things he told us was, "the only way to the other side of grief is through it." He also said, "It's what that particular event meant to that particular person in that particular moment of that particular person's life." We really can't know what someone else is going through.

100% truth

@DesertHarp under his insecurity your brother knew you loved him and were there for him - how could he not, when you were?

I'm glad you're 'ok with feeling grief' that will be a massive help for you. Plenty are not ok with it (why would they be, it feels terrible) and try to avoid it with drugs/sex/food/whatever. It doesn't work, not for long anyway. We have to feel it to process it. Full stop. No getting away from it.

People don't wanna hear this but when it's a beloved, well, we never really get over it. In time, however long that is, we learn to live with it though for sure. It is afterall a given in life. All life dies. Ants, trees, us, the earth, the sun.

Love to all feeling loss

 

[DesertHarp]

I am sorry about your brother. I know the pain is very personal. My older brother committed suicide last July. He was having some health issues and the Dr started him on Ambien. We think that contributed to it. He had never had a problem with depression in the past.

I took a "Death and Dying" psychology course in college and had an awesome professor. He used to be a grief counselor. One of the things he told us was, "the only way to the other side of grief is through it." He also said, "It's what that particular event meant to that particular person in that particular moment of that particular person's life." We really can't know what someone else is going through.

I'm sorry about the loss of your brother. Declining health can be very frightening. Thank you for your post.

My brother was in a cheap motel room less than two miles from my apartment. I didn't even know he was there. He'ld been there for 3 years. He didn't believe I cared. Or he was full of resentment. I wish we could have been friends again. In Dec the hospital called me because years ago he put me down as a contact. When I visited him, he told me to "go away." I hadn't seen him in 11 years. I had thought he was far away. Though he had been very sick, he seemed strong and recovering. I don't think suicide was likely. My guess is that he got careless, or the meth on top of his COPD became too much. The CT scan also showed coronary artery disease. He had made a friend at the motel, another guy who also resided there. That guy talked to me about him. I'm glad he had made a friend.

This guy at the motel worried, when my brother didn't come out of his room for awhile. He called police, who found him on the floor, passed away. It's so final. I can't change anything.

 

[kris66]

That's really hard that you hadn't been able to see him. But you did try. It's possible he just didn't want you to see him like that, or he wasn't ready to change yet. I do believe he must have known you really loved him, though. And I'm sure that must have mattered to him. It's hard to know what goes on in people's minds. It's comforting he had made a friend.

I feel bad that I didn't realize how much my brother was struggling. I just keep feeling I should have known and done something. I'm sure that's common after a suicide. But we can't blame ourselves. And I really do believe we will be reunited one day.

I'm glad you have sisters, I hope they are helpful.

 

[DesertHarp]

That's really hard that you hadn't been able to see him. But you did try. It's possible he just didn't want you to see him like that, or he wasn't ready to change yet. I do believe he must have known you really loved him, though. And I'm sure that must have mattered to him. It's hard to know what goes on in people's minds. It's comforting he had made a friend.

I feel bad that I didn't realize how much my brother was struggling. I just keep feeling I should have known and done something. I'm sure that's common after a suicide. But we can't blame ourselves. And I really do believe we will be reunited one day.

I'm glad you have sisters, I hope they are helpful.

Thank you. I have that same aching feeling that maybe I could have done things differently. Eventually, I'll be okay. Right now, I just wish I could go back to when we were both young, and he was hopeful. He used to seem happier than me. But that was long ago.

 

[DesertHarp]

100% truth

@DesertHarp under his insecurity your brother knew you loved him and were there for him - how could he not, when you were?

I'm glad you're 'ok with feeling grief' that will be a massive help for you. Plenty are not ok with it (why would they be, it feels terrible) and try to avoid it with drugs/sex/food/whatever. It doesn't work, not for long anyway. We have to feel it to process it. Full stop. No getting away from it.

People don't wanna hear this but when it's a beloved, well, we never really get over it. In time, however long that is, we learn to live with it though for sure. It is afterall a given in life. All life dies. Ants, trees, us, the earth, the sun.

Love to all feeling loss

Thank you for your kind words. In time, I guess this pain will simmer down. It's just hard right now.

 

[DesertHarp]

Grief. Plenty of that. Had a family member die all of the sudden from an aneurism.

Usually people grieve in different ways. Can't say how I did it, or how I'm doing it, but she'd want me to go on, so that's what I do.

Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss also. I think that sudden death, like you describe, is perhaps not the worse way to go for the person we lose. But it's hard on those left behind. (My mother's passing was sudden and unexpected. It felt like the kick of a mule.)

I do have loads of company in this experience of loss and grief. It makes me feel less alone to read your post. Like you, I need to go on, and I will.

 

[Asclepius]

No one says you have to do anything, right?
Sleep time I look forward to as an escape from the madness. What i do not like is waking up.... This is not suicidal ideation (unless its passive) just love sleep.
Do what you feel is right for you to come to terms with this loss.
My SO (almost 30yrs) has by proxy saved lives and gives hope to some. I will lose her one day and I will try to focus on where we grew she will live on in me and from me to others. Losing my brother really broght loss to light even though I had been around death a few times previously. Saw it as my enemy ever since.
There really is nothing to say imo just be easy and remember the good if you think of it. Please.
Peace

So much respect for your strength, brother.

 

[jasperkent]

Professional golfer Grayson Murray, age 30, died by suicide a couple of days ago. I'm not a golfer, nor do I follow pro golf or sports of any kind, and the news of his death was the first time I'd ever even heard his name. Yet this story really struck a chord with me for a couple of reasons.

One is that he had struggled with alcoholism and mental heath issues, but he recently said that he'd quit drinking and was doing much better emotionally. I can sure relate to that feeling. Many times.

But what really hit me was what his grieving parents requested in a public statement. Understandably, they asked for privacy while they dealt with this devastating personal tragedy, but added:
"Please honor Grayson by being kind to one another. If that becomes his legacy, we could ask for nothing else."

In the depths of their grief, they were able to express the most important concept for all of us to learn, remember, and practice at all times-- be kind.

 

[lolis my thesis]

Recently my son fell out, and had his OD, I realized I had noone to reach out to; saving his life, which was on a razors edge for 15 plus minutes while I performed CPR and gave him not enough narcan to respond, was gonna be thankless. Running thru my mind at the time is how I will have to notify his sister, my ex wife, my parents, that he had died. I cannot fathom the grief of having to perform extended CPR on a loved one to their demise.
Luckily the paramedics revived him with 4 mgs additional narcan. He is alive, but the whole thing was shocking to my core, and he's still alive!
lbut I really don't know how to go on living alongside my son. Im furious that he put me through this ordeal, also so grateful he's not gone for keeps.

 

[kris66]

I can't even imagine how terrifying that must have been, to see your own child in that condition. Seconds would seem like hours. I'm so thankful he was able to be revived.

I'm sure your son is freaked out by what happened also. He must understand how relieved you are that he is okay.

Maybe it would be helpful to realize it's okay to think about it a little bit less every day. The significance of what happened will always be there, and that can't be taken away. But it's okay to eventually allow yourself to move forward when you are ready. And he may need that also.

 

[lolis my thesis]

Thank you for the suggestion that time will allow this episode to integrate into our lives and will naturally fade but never disappear completely.
the emotions and images conjured up in my head are raw and I feel vaguely guilty
Maybe I will share this with loved ones as its alot to internalize

Allen
it was one month ago
You are my only son inexplicably unresponsive lying on the living room floor.
I know you had been drinking; your friends told me in a frenzy that you had gone and bought some cocaine; but you slumped in the garage before everyone did any blow. I did wind up with your bag of coke and your ID and Ipad gathered up from the garage

You were dragged by your friends from the garage; limp and lifeless. Seeming dead full stop.
My only son Allen, not breathing, friends urgent knocking on my bedroom door
Quick, slap, yell, call 911. Ice cubes on your skin... Administer narcan from the ole kitchen junk drawer, where one keeps those really important things you never need until you DO. Still you are Grey, then blue, or blue, then grey lips as
hulking body unresponsive on the floor as you, my baby's fetid breath blows, nay deflates, back into my lungs, only the taste of fresh lung somehow more acrid and wholly consequential than the plastic taste of some holey raft, this vessel that is you, my son, morphing into some holy craft. Your essence, tasting stale, in limbo, leaving you fast while the moments ticked away ominously.
while we have 911 on the line waiting for the paramedics. Pumping on chest, then 2 breaths..a pulse is faintly present says friend1 as friend2 holds the speaker phone with the heroic 911 operator keeping us all calm talking us thru CPR. Working on your chest with 2 rescue breaths while the sirens approach in the distance. Was it ten minutes or an eternity? I don't know.
Apparantly it takes 12 mgs to revive a fent OD; I only had 8mg. Woke up when paramedics gave him 4 more.
Jovial, almost, as you take in the scene serenely. Fell out and oblivious to the heaviness of the scene. Just another work day for those EMTs. A father I guess is always on call; and I will never quit you.

I wonder, when I either don't share this with you Allen, or when I do, when all is said and done, am I a hero?
I mean, I acted instantly with 1)narcan 2)911 3)CPR.
I don't feel like a hero; more like a zero
I made Allen
I made Allen a user in my exes eyes. Im sorry she feels that way.
still somehow all my fault. My own creation, my Frankenstein, gone off the rails.
I continue to enable you
to use
air
as it ever was I