TDS The TDS grief/bereavement thread

[njirem]

R. K was found somewhere in the outskirts of the city a couple of weeks ago, he had no shirt on and died of dehydration. I met him in a clinic, he was the most fucked up off all addiction wise, but also the smartest one. He was smart enough to know his life sucked, unlike the other morons who were all on methadone and seroquel. So it was very hard on him. Rest in peace.

N. K, my closest friend from back in the days, who i had to leave behind because commiting robbery's was not my thing, has been arrested one month ago, he will go to trial for robbery's and assault. He is still my friend, he is a good person, only i decided to move on in life, while he decided to fall deeper, its not your fault your dad left you and that ur mother is a alcoholic, but cmon, you are 26 now...please learn from your mistake and maybe we will meet again untill then take care!

 

[InvisibleEye]

Death is like a door slammed shut. The dead are on one side. We are on the other.

Wow, thank you for this. It's kinda reassuring to think of it in those words!

 

[effie]

I'm missing my best friend who passed last year so much tonight. She was truly one of a kind, what I wouldn't do to be able to chat to her right now. I so much wish that things were different, or that I could go back and savour every word we spoke, hang out like we used to and never take her for granted.

I'm so sorry footscrazy

I wish so much that things were different too. Even though I am finally starting to see some real light at the end of the tunnel, I still miss Dave a crazy amount and the unfairness of it all still takes my breath away.. I think it always will. You were very lucky to have your best friend in your life but I know how hard it is to think of it like that when you're missing them so intensely. I also wish I had appreciated Dave more, not let him go back to stay with his parents for his last few months but spent every second with him but I don't know of anyone who's lost someone who hasn't had regrets.. it's not possible to live a perfect life and make the most of everything constantly. It really helps me to focus on happy memories and things I did do for Dave while he was alive, rather than what I didn't do..

R. K was found somewhere in the outskirts of the city a couple of weeks ago, he had no shirt on and died of dehydration. I met him in a clinic, he was the most fucked up off all addiction wise, but also the smartest one. He was smart enough to know his life sucked, unlike the other morons who were all on methadone and seroquel. So it was very hard on him. Rest in peace.

N. K, my closest friend from back in the days, who i had to leave behind because commiting robbery's was not my thing, has been arrested one month ago, he will go to trial for robbery's and assault. He is still my friend, he is a good person, only i decided to move on in life, while he decided to fall deeper, its not your fault your dad left you and that ur mother is a alcoholic, but cmon, you are 26 now...please learn from your mistake and maybe we will meet again untill then take care!

I'm so sorry to hear that njirem! It's so hard to lose people you care about. I hope you have some support at the moment, and it's really good that you can talk about this here. I know it's such a cliche and probably has no basis in fact at all, but it so often seems to be the brightest (in every sense of the word) people who die before their time

 

[footscrazy]

Thankyou effie It is just such a shit thing isn't it I'm glad you're starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Throughout your whole ordeal I've really admired the way you've just kept on keeping on, honouring Dave's memory, and ultimately trying to see the light in every situation

 

[stellablue]

^ I agree. Effie, your awesome, and you have so much inspiration in your posts to everyone thats in and have been in your same situation. You reach out and try to help everyone you can, and you are a honestly sweet soul. I did that for a long time, then I was so exhausted from carrying my own hurt, and dealing with others came easier. Don't make my same mistake. Not dealing with it will make it eat you up inside. Now all I know is the pain, and I try more and more. I am hopeful my girls and I will make it through though. I just want to raise my three girls right, and now I have a grand baby on the way. WTH? I just wished her father was here to help me raise our child. It just makes me numb inside and so damn mad. All I can do is just keep living and doing the best I can. Whatever happens and does not kill us will make us stronger, right?

 

[S.M.F.G]

I'm without child...... shes not gone forever... it just seems like it. have spaoken to her only once a week for a few minitues.. kinda hurts after lookin after her for the last 12 years.... im feelin really sad and pathetic gotta change headspace but im feelin lost if i dont fix my shit im gonna b on the street thats being left with prety much nothing i cdon know how to function without the responsibility of her,,, shit ranting sorry to b comin in here again like just pop up, i had to vent this shit.

 

[herbavore]

^ Just saw this S.M.F.G. I've been gone from BL about a month. I am very sorry. Your daughter has been the focus of your life for 12 years. This is a major blow. No matter what anyone says, no matter what you may tell yourself in your grief, you have loved that girl and looked after her even when you were so down yourself. You are a good Dad. I am so sorry.


I came in here to write about another one of the long fingers of grief that reached in and snatched me unexpectedly.

Part of my vacation this past month was at a big family reunion. I knew it would be hard to be with all my Aunts and Uncles and cousins that I haven't seen since Caleb died. I had received cards and lots of supportive messages from many of them but there were a few that still hadn't even heard. Many of us had not seen each other in years. I knew that I might have to defend him (and my family) from the judgement many of them held because he died of an overdose. I expected to feel bad as I caught up with the others about what their kids were doing as it would inevitably lead to the awkward silence when they stumbled over asking about mine. I did what I do a lot in tough situations for me--I kind of role play it in my head and try to deal with something awkward mentally and in the privacy of my own mind before getting blindsided with it on the spot. That worked pretty well. I didn't leave Caleb out of conversations, I brought pictures of him just as I did of my other son. I refused to let him be an awkward silence.

It was something completely unexpected that got me, though. My nephew and his wife just had their first baby. She is my mom's first great grandchild and my first grandniece. I love babies and toddlers (she's 19 months) and I immediately wanted to hold her. The minute that I held her and she wrapped her little legs around my waist and held on tight to my neck with her little arms, I was instantly transported back to when Caleb was that age, riding along on my hip everywhere I went, one arm around my neck and the other around his bunny. Obviously I carried my first son as well so why was the memory of my second son? It was Caleb that clung on like that with such obvious need for reassurance that I was there. The full body memory of that time sent me reeling and tumbling right back down the rabbit hole of grief and guilt and remorse. Once again I was flooded with the feelings of guilt and shame and fear. Maybe it was the feeling of holding this little being that trusts that she is safe with you that brought it out. I thought that I had finally moved past my own recriminating voice that relentlessly brings up that I failed to protect him, that I failed him as a parent, as a mother. From letting the doctors try to turn him in utero, which brought him into the world a month early, to every other bad decision I made in his 19 years of life, my guilt knows no bounds.

Rationally, I am very aware of how untrue my own recriminations and accusations are. How useless and self defeating; but grief is rarely rational, that much I have learned. Maybe I will never be done with this voice in my head. Maybe I still have something to learn from it. I didn't expect it to resurface but now that it has, I know that I can't just push it down like it is nothing. It is definitely something! I tried really hard to work through these feelings early on and when they became less frequent and all but ceased I thought they were done with me, or I with them. Guess not. Ugh.

 

[Allein]

I'm so sorry about your loss herbavore, I have 2 young children and just the thought of losing one of them is too much to bear, it must be a very difficult all my very best wishes to you.

I lost my grandmother recently after a long battle with cancer, she was very special to me and I loved her very much even though she lived quite a way away and I didn't see her as much as I would have liked. She saw our children and loved them very much, it was beautiful seeing her with them, I could see how happy it made her. I saw her a couple of times in the weeks before she died and said the things I needed to say to her, that she was special to me and that I loved her so very much.

Without going into too much meaningless detail my family is emotionally crippled, they never want to talk about feelings and found my mental illness very difficult to deal with and still do. I was told never to mention it to my Grandmother which made me feel like they were ashamed, which they probably are.

I seem unable to cry or grieve about her death, I just don't see to feel anything anymore, it may just be the ADs I'm on but I'm finding it quiet upsetting. the funeral is next week and I need to write some words to say but at the moment I have none.

 

[michael]

i had a similar situation to herbavore a few months ago when i went to a family wedding. it was the first wedding i ever stayed sober for, and perhaps coincidentally was a horrifically terrible wedding. so i am sitting at this table with a couple of my cousins and they start asking me if i am still in touch with my father, who number one had been dead for two years and number 2 i hadn't talked to since the night of september 12th 1993 anyway. and this stuff is not a secret.

one of my other cousins wanted my to go up to the bar for a few drinks and when i told him i had quit drinking he spun off about 4 dumbass fratboy lines - rehab is for quitters - some other such nonsense - i told him to grow the fuck up.

the moral of the story is though that it's really unfair of me to expect these people to keep up with what happens in my life. i don't really keep up with theirs either and they were suitably embarrassed (and i for them) about asking. it was just more stress during what i had found to an already stressful situation.

 

[herbavore]

Without going into too much meaningless detail my family is emotionally crippled, they never want to talk about feelings and found my mental illness very difficult to deal with and still do. I was told never to mention it to my Grandmother which made me feel like they were ashamed, which they probably are.

I seem unable to cry or grieve about her death, I just don't see to feel anything anymore, it may just be the ADs I'm on but I'm finding it quiet upsetting. the funeral is next week and I need to write some words to say but at the moment I have none.

I had a really strong bond with my grandma, too, atm. I'm very sorry that you had to let her go from your life but what a gift that you were able to tell her how much she meant to you. Sometimes it takes a while for the feelings to unfold. Grief is a very strange state--it follows no rules, is different for everyone and surfaces and hides in surprising ways. Also, losing someone that lived far away has this very distinct aspect of not seeming real IME. My father lived a few states away and we neither saw each other nor talked on the phone regularly, even though we were reasonably close. So after he died, I would sometimes be completely devoid of feelings about his death simply because it felt exactly the same as when he was alive but far away.

If you have to write something, try to start out with the simplest statement you can make and then let everything flow from that point on. Simply stating that you loved a person deeply and then listing why will probably get you going. It doesn't have to be poetic or profound, just real.

 

[herbavore]

this message sent to me when I was in the hospital when Caleb was in kindergarten surfaced from a box of old stuff today. It says it all.

 

[TippiHedren]

I'm going to bury my youngest sister tomorrow. I'm not sure how.

The last person I buried was my mother and that was murder.

How can people say that God cares if you eat meat on Friday or if you go to church? I think God is too busy to be angry about all of that.

I'm having a little trouble with his master plan. I hope that he sends me some instructions or some help soon.

It's a great life if you don't weaken but some days I do.

 

[spork]

^I'm so sorry about both your sister and your mother. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Much love to you.

Herby, that's such a sweet thing for Caleb to have sent to you and you finding it now just breaks my heart. I love you and the strength you've demonstrated through all of this.

 

[herbavore]

^Tippihedren,

I am going to be wishing you much strength tomorrow and in the days that follow. I don't know what will comfort you; I think it is very individual to each person. I only hope that those moments of comfort and peace come together frequently enough to give you a resting spot. Grief is a roller coaster ride without any exhilaration. If you ever want to talk or vent or reminisce, you can use this thread as much as you want. I do. It's here for all of us whenever we need it and sometimes it helps me a lot.

@ Spork--thank you, sweetie.

 

[stellablue]

this message to me when I was in the hospital when Caleb was in kindergarten surfaced from a box of old stuff today. It says it all.

^ My heart goes out to you. I couldn't imagine losing a child. Everything I see about Caleb is always so sweet. He is honestly a very sweet soul.

 

[TippiHedren]

Thank you herbavore & spork. I appreciate your thoughts and comments.

 

[herbavore]

Today, Caleb's friend asked for some video footage or any audio clip we may have because she is finally recording the song she wrote for him and sang at his memorial. I got out the ancient video camera that I hardly ever used and Tyler figured out how to hook it up to the TV from the camera which was the only way we could watch because they are actually tapes. Suddenly there he was, this joyous little boy. His pure voice. His delight in everything. It cracked my heart right open all over again. In one video, my mom is "interviewing" Caleb on New Years day 2000 about what he thinks he will be doing in 20 years. She tells him that he will be 28 and he gets this incredulous grin on his little face. I feel like a can of paint that someone just kicked over. Everything that is me just floods out everywhere. There is no containing this.

This is why I need to go away. I need to be alone. It is too big to stuff down in order to go to work, make dinner, be "ok" a decent amount of the time for my family and my friends. It is something that I don't want to "handle". I don't want to "get through". I want to feel every single solitary thing there is to feel about this and i don't want to be constantly turning off the faucet in order to be a responsible, functioning human being.

 

[spork]

Let yourself feel it, herby. Feelings like that shouldn't be stuffed into a box or ignored. You've told me before that when I'm crying to just let it rip and it does help a lot. Allow yourself to cry and feel what you need to feel. I'm thinking about you and wishing more than anything that I could give you a huge hug right now. Lots of love, hun.

 

[Sepher]

And this is I think what seperates you from so many of us Herb. Quite often we'll do just about anything in our power NOT to feel such intensity of emotion, fearing if we open the flood gates maybe there'll be no stopping it, in some vain attempt to protect ourselves, and so we repress, and distract ourselves with, well, anything at all if it will only stop us from feeling, as though that will somehow help us in the end. You embrace these emotions despite their rawness because it is in experiencing them in their full intensity that we discover the true shape, and width, and depth of the connection we had, and still have to those we have lost. You will come out of this richer, and wiser, and even more filled with compassion than you are already having opened yourself to such pain and grown with it, I have no doubt.

I m thinking of you today my friend.

 

[Mariposa]

Herby - It is perhaps of small comfort, but I hope your memories bring you to a place of happiness. The sense of loss of a beloved child, especially such an awesome kid as Caleb, is tremendous. I sure do wish I had the opportunity to meet him. Caleb's friend who wrote a song for him is a wonderfully thoughtful person!

If you need some time to take for yourself, that's completely understandable. Bereavement is a very private emotion for a lot of people, myself included. I rarely talk about my mother's sudden death when I was 16. I'm the decisive sort (a trait I inherited from neither of my parents), so I chose to live and thrive. I have dreams of helping people like my mother, who was schizophrenic, maybe opening a safe house for people afflicted with her condition. It's ambitious for sure. I hope that it will make a difference.

Herby, you've done similarly and been much better at honoring Caleb's memory than I have been with honoring my mother's memory. I just lit a beautiful fresh jasmine candle in honor of all of our fallen - may they live on in the happiest of our memories, and may we all continue to do the right thing.