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TDS The TDS grief/bereavement thread

LilikoiMoon said:
There's a ass of grown men I know who want to be face to face with him minutes after his release, but I can't promote that violence, even if I lost control on that ex friend, you know?
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That shows amazing growth, I'm not sure I would be able to stop myself doing something truly abhorrent to him. On the other hand that only sinks you deeper in to the nightmare, I think there's a lot to be said for searching for forgiveness. Someone once said to me that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping someone else gets hurt. I'm only thinking aloud here as I cannot empathise with the degree of your loss, but I can imagine that if you are able to somehow let go of your grudge it will remove a great burden for you and allow you to move forward with energy and positivity.

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
That's why we call today the present

Live in the now, and do what you can to move towards where you want to be. <3
 
I seem in an endless state of grief and loss with my father, we never sorted things out and he was unable to offer me the love and approval I so wanted from him.

Until a couple of years ago and following some counseling I though I'd found a way through it, to accept it would never be what I wanted but not to resent him, in fact I can now see how his own father and family situation was clearly at the heart of the issue and vowed I would not continue the cycle.

He was diagnosed with Dimentia a couple of years ago, I spotted the signs but no one wanted to listen, it was my wife who finally convinced my mother to take action. Everytime I see him it's like he's dying in front of me, it's not my father anymore and ironically I seem to be the only one who can reason with him, he's abusive to my mother and becoming incapable of everything.

Yesterday he went out on his own and got lost, I got him a mobile and fortunately someone saw him confused and rang my mother, he hasnt left the house since.

This is only going to get worse, it's destroying my mother who I love dearly and my brother lives in another ton and largely ignores the issues. I should love him more than I do, I try to help him but the resentment has returned for both the past and the way he's treated my mother more recently, I never bargained on having to be a father to him and I never really gave up on being able to reach him and know who he was before he passed, now he barely knows who I am.
 
I recently lost my dad him and i were so close i was such a daddys girl he passed on September 9th 2014 i usually visit him on his birthday every year even when i was actively using i made my way there every year and would sleep and chill for a few days this year was the first time i went sober aug 19th i was there he was so happy to see me sober he had chirrosis of the liver from drinking and he got sick really fast he didnt even look the same but he still picked me up from the airport put on a happy face and spent time with me i was there a week threw him a birthday party flew back home and 10 days later he died if i was still using i might not have got to see him and he was able to be proud of me for the first time in a very long time its like he was waiting for me to come see him i thought i would break but i didnt i stayed sober after losing my best friend my dad people use that as an excuse to get high and its a good excuse to one that people understand but staying sober allowed me to greave properly
 
That's amazing Rachel. To spend your final days with your father sober. Being you truly in the flesh. It must have made him so unbelievably, indescribably proud <3 What a beautiful way to say goodbye.
 
^^ that means so much, I saw my Grandmother hours before she passed, we always had something special between us and whilst my family carried on pretending she wasn't dyeing I sat by her bed and told her how much I loved her and how special she had always been to me, it still makes me cry.

She expressed the same and we shared those final moments together knowing how much we loved each other, I know how much that meant to her. It was one of the most rela experiences of my life.

I miss her so much, but she had lived a good life and what more can you do than tell them you love them
 
This week I got news that one of my best friends from high school took his life with a bullet. He had moved across country and it had been some time since we spoke. This kid had such an adventurous spirit, he taught me so much about spontaneity and having all the fun you could grab from life.

It was almost a year ago now that I barely survived my own massive intentional overdose, and I was already struggling with trying to appreciate this borrowed time I have been blessed with. But after this happened, now I'm really starting to unravel and those dark thoughts have been creeping around the periphery.

I have learned so much in this past year, and I was really on a stable level. But now it seems all of my progress has been thrown out the window. I'm not too worried about suicidal thoughts, as I dismiss them quickly, but I'm still struggling with so much emotion just cascading over everything, and dark thoughts and apathy are becoming more prominent.

Really I just needed to express those feelings, and maybe a kind word. And I also wanted to express my love for everyone at bluelight for fostering an environment where we can all talk about our struggles.
 
^ I am so sorry, shroomey. It is terrible to learn of a death like that. No matter what your rational mind knows, it is always hard to deal with thoughts that say maybe you could have done something and prevented it in some way. It worries me that this brings up apathy for you. If there is any way for you to get some support--even in a group setting, like through a hospice grief group (usually free or low cost) it would really help counteract the tendency to despair and apathy. Fight the urge to shut down emotionally even though it is your emotions that are causing you pain. I think it was Freud that said emotions never go away--they just go underground and when they surface they do so in a much uglier manner.

I'm having a hard time myself lately. PM me anytime for extra support. I don't have any answers but I sure as hell like exploring the questions.;) And I agree with you that Bluelight provides such a needed place in this world, one where we can all lay ourselves bare when we need to.<3
 
Thanks herbavore (: I'll send a wish for some inner strength out to you. Same goes for you, or anyone, pm me anytime if you're struggling.

I really am fighting the urge to shut down emotionally. Today, I am examining the feelings that come up, investigating them, and ultimately accepting them. Whereas in the past I may have just repressed everything and hit the bottle really hard, today I am avoiding that behavior and really just talking things through.

I am so lucky to have the support group I do have. An amazing girlfriend, a loving family, and a really strong group of friends that lean on each other during times like this. Really my goal is not lose sight of that, and to take each day as it comes.
 
shroomyboom said:
I really am fighting the urge to shut down emotionally. Today, I am examining the feelings that come up, investigating them, and ultimately accepting them.

I am so lucky to have the support group I do have. An amazing girlfriend, a loving family, and a really strong group of friends that lean on each other during times like this. Really my goal is not lose sight of that, and to take each day as it comes.
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I believe this is the spot I'm trying to land on. Emotions are just blooming.
 
I had some terrible news yesterday from an old and vey much vakueedd friend.

Both me and my partner have been friends with this couple since our partying days 20 years ago, they live a fair distance from us but we have always stayed in touch and very much followed each others progress into having children and all that grown up stuff.

I consider Dave one of my closest friends although we don't meet often these days, one of the few male friends that I mad a genuine connection with. He hooked up with Mia a few years after we knew him and I adored her from day 1, more than a sister, someone who really saw me, understood me and could see thee pain that almost no one else could but just offered understanding and affection that was in no way sexual but we had a closeness that has been unique in my life this far.

She has been unwell for a number of months and it didnt seem to be improving, my partner has visited twice and said how ill and thin she had become and that more and more tests were being carried out.

Yesterday we found out she has stage 3 and inoperable lung cancer, I'm still at a loss as to how to even begin to talk to them, they certainly don't need a dose of my despair. Dave loves her so much and so much like me knows how lucky he is to have found someone that would see beyond his failings and love him for all of it, he will be falling to pieces but hiding it all.

I simply can't deal with this over the phone, I think it would be better for me to make a visit, \I know I'll break down and cry and over the phone that would be awful, at least face to face we can embrace and I can try and convey how much they mean to me and how I'll be there for them in anyway I can.....I know we all have to die sometime and that it could happen at anytime but these illnesses are so brutal :(
 
So much grief and sadness in the world. Everytime I feel it I just wanna be curled up in a ball and drugged to the point that I'm barely conscious.

Someone I knew, not really a friend, but a young man whom had some friends in common with me, died this last week. I don't wanna say much but it's a recent reminder I've had of just how quickly and pointlessly any of us or people we care about can die.

I've gone through a lot of pain in my life from death, but I can't imagine how much worse it must be if it was your child. I just wanna say it impresses me greatly that you can survive such a loss, I'm doubtful id be strong enough to do it myself. It must be so horrible, I'm really sorry.
 
I don't think any parents will ever handle life as they've used to. It's all dark and painful and you barely make it through the day.

How they appear to be handling their issues sometimes is too far from what they really go through every day.

I once asked our neighbor's driver if he misses his son, who died from H. OD - he simply responded "everyday on my way home, when I see the hospital he died."

This apparent fine person was 65 years old and the fatality took place 23 years ago. So when he talked about it, it seemed to be something that happened yesterday. Until that moment I had no idea he's suffered for so long.
 
^This is so true, Erikmen. It has been almost 4 years since my son died. If anything, some aspects are getting worse as time marches further and further away from his life. You learn to carry it, mostly buried deep inside, because to let it out every day would be impossible. I've gotten very good at not being embarrassed about crying (which happens often just from saying his name in conversation) but a part of me thinks that if given the chance to do nothing but wail for the rest of my life, it would still not feel like enough. What I try to do is to allow the breadth of the sadness but equally important to me is to allow joy to happen when it does.

@Allein, that is terrible news. One thing that you could do, so that you are able to express what you want to without being overwhelmed with crying, would be to write a letter first before you visit. The letters we got when Caleb died helped immensely though we could not necessarily see it at the time. No one can suffer your grief for you but knowing people want to hold you up is comforting nonetheless. I'm so sorry. That is a real tragedy.<3
 
herbavore said:
^This is so true, Erikmen. It has been almost 4 years since my son died. If anything, some aspects are getting worse as time marches further and further away from his life. You learn to carry it, mostly buried deep inside, because to let it out every day would be impossible. I've gotten very good at not being embarrassed about crying (which happens often just from saying his name in conversation) but a part of me thinks that if given the chance to do nothing but wail for the rest of my life, it would still not feel like enough. What I try to do is to allow the breadth of the sadness but equally important to me is to allow joy to happen when it does.

@Allein, that is terrible news. One thing that you could do, so that you are able to express what you want to without being overwhelmed with crying, would be to write a letter first before you visit. The letters we got when Caleb died helped immensely though we could not necessarily see it at the time. No one can suffer your grief for you but knowing people want to hold you up is comforting nonetheless. I'm so sorry. That is a real tragedy.<3
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I can't begin to imagine the grief of losing a child IME the loss or older relatives can be devastating and you never truly stop grieving for those you love but parents and grand parents have reached the end of the expected cycle, I have no words to convey, it;s beyond my ability to even contemplate it.

Thank's for the advice, they live a good 2hr drive away but I have to do something to show them they are in my thoughts, Mrs A is better at keeping in touch and also has weekdays where she is free to make visits but these are friends that I know will always be friends regardless of how long its been since I've seen them. I had considered an FB message but it seems so insubstantial. I'll try and send a letter to both in the week, I'll find some words from somewhere.
 
@Herbavore,
I´m deeply sorry to hear that. I hope you can find peace in your heart. For sure you enlighten ours.
Erik
 
Currently lost without purpose.. A loss of a loved one of who one spent more time with than anyone. Best friend, companion, and a purpose in life. Helping a friend die for 2+ years as fate looms over like a storm cloud. Trying to get everything for the last moments as peaceful as possible and wanting it to be perfect. Your last moments are not what you expect but similar; Holding them as they drift off into a final sleep without pain. However a mind which is convinced that there was a way to lessen the pain to his friend but failed to do so. Losing a dog of 15 years a best friend, without which there is no drive to function. Sleeping all day, Habitually only wanting to eat when under the effects of opiates. Not able to sustain such a lifestyle what is one to do. 20 years into the world and feeling behind wanting to give up on functioning ever again. Doing so there is guilt to the one you have lost to make sure they have not died in vain.
 
That is a lot of loss to suffer. You are naturally wanting a rest. It's OK to feel everything you are feeling--even the depression--just don't get stuck there. I'm sending you a PM.<3
 
@herbavore - my heart aches for you. That 4 years later (which is but a blink in time in terms of grief) you remain on this thread, maybe holding on to a place where you can feel near to your son. I experienced a shocking suicide loss 8 years ago and it feels more like 2 years ago in that I'm over the immediate shock but not the rest of it. I still can't talk about him without crying. I still ask why? Why? But I've come past the constant circle of thinking of ways I could have prevented it, then thinking "but it's too late now." I used to go through that circle of thought constantly; just spacing out and coming up with everything I could have done or that could have been different and then BAM! Snapped out if it and "it's too late now." Then I'd obsess over it's too late now, it's too late now, it's too late now.

I blamed it on my father for a long time. I kind of still do, partially. But then he died (of natural causes) last year which quickly cut short all the feelings of blame and anger (for a variety of things). I still blame him for a lot but it's really hard to stay angry at a dead person.

I'm not giving all the details because it was in the news and could identify me due to the unreal circumstances. Sometimes I like to shock people by telling them what happened but it's really me trying to shock myself into believing it. Or maybe I am just so switched off and derealized that the details can't break through.

Suicide is a shocking devastating event regardless. But then I focus on the details and the whys of it, almost like I'm trying to break through the wall I have up.

When his body was found, it was completely decomposed and skeletal. Idk if that makes it harder or not because no suicide, or death for that matter, is worse than any other. But it sure throws up a few roadblocks.

I think I have healed as much as possible. Until the end of my life, I will always hold this devastating pain.
 
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