• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

Status
Not open for further replies.
Thanks for reminding me to eat. I have a good plant based protein and I have been busy all morning. Normally I would be working but I am too sick. So, I am cleaning and organizing at home and keeping busy for now.

I don't know what to do yet so I am getting on with my day like is is a usual one. I lost my pills today, couldn't find my jeans and took everything not to freak out since it took about an hour for me to find them. I get the picture I am thinking of what to do.

Yeah just not sure what to do and my options are limited this week with the holidays. I'm trying not to freak out but my life is flashing before my eyes I can't help but feel that I won't make it through the week. No matter what I do. I can't lose this life over those it would be such a fucking fucked up waste and I'm finally beginning to enjoy myself like I was sounding good tapering and all my connects disappeared. This is fucked in too many ways that it is not possible to really describe it here. I'm trapped. I'm fucking cornered and trapped and I feel on the verge of being exterminated.

I'm going to get really stoned now. I was cleaning before, I am in too much withdrawal now to do much. I really hope I make it through the week but at least I would die knowing that I tried. Even if it was at the very last minute at least I will have done everything I can but I can't. I can't I really like myself I lost myself I do't even know myself but I don't want to be anywhere else right now. This shit has fucked my whole entire life and I have to act fast but I am always slow to think things through. And I am too sick to think things through. I'm just totally fucked I ruined my life. I feel like confessing my sins and shit like it's fucked I'm not going to make it, realistically it's just fact.

I hope you are having a good day painful one well I am just trying to make it.
 
Last edited:
Hang in there Shroomy!
It might feel like you are going to die but I think you are going to be alright.

Exactly how much are you tapering down from? What dosage have you been used to taking and are not cutting down to?
I will try and figure out the best solution for you since you are not able to really think straight right now.

Keep us updated on the symptoms you are having.

It seems like you should stabilize out to a lower dosage in about a week.

Let me know what I can do to help you.
 
Long-term consequences of a rapid 4-week benzo taper (effects on reward
^This^ thread had a lot of helpful information for tapering down off a high dose benzo habit.
Lots of links to Ashton Manual and other helpful links.

I ran across people suggesting Librium and Valium to detox from high dose benzo habits.

I will keep looking for information for you ShroomySatori.
I hope you are doing alright. If you don't feel alright at all- get to the hospital my friend. Please.

God bless
 
Thanks for your help. I am thinking mostly about my sister. Can't even describe how much I love her and I just wasn't present growing up. I regret it so much and care about her so much. It has only been for the past year that we talk, since I started to quit in the fall. She is a late bloomer, she is so pretty and will be forever it's just killing me right now we really get along and just stopped the ego stuff. Fuck. Fucking fuck this is going to hurt so many people no matter what happens. I am trembling and crying this is going to break her heart. I care about her so much. It is is killing me. My life is flashing before my eyes and it's just like I know. I know I really overdid it this time. It's like speaking from the afterlife. I just want to give my sis a hug I know how much she cares about me no matter what. I'm just paralyzed by the thoughts. I am fucked.
 
I didn't mean to ignore your help and questions. I am overwhelmed, and there have been so many warning signs this year. I should have quit opiates first, but I had a massive benzo supply and no opiates but my weak prescription. Even last night, family was out with some relatives who have the same family structure and lost their teenager to some sort of overdose and the only thing I heard about it was an obscure benzo that doesn't really exist here it must have been imported or something. No idea how they would get that but it is a very strong short acting benzo. I got to see how much pain it caused others around me and still refused to stop.

It's so fucked up because I'd still be so messed up from the opiate habit that's really why this happened. I could not take care of myself this year or last year. That is two years of being so caught up in this shit that life flew by and I could never really make any solid plans because I was so caught up with supply issues and withdrawal. I bailed on my two favourite bands at the time to see in concert cause I didn't have H that day and couldn't get out of bed etc.

This is different. This is threatening my life. I am tapering 50% and just dropped another 50% because it's better than running out painful one you could see what a safe taper drop is for xanax but there isn't one. 5 to 10% is recommended, but I take it every 6 hours and it's complicated like my tolerance because I have used so many benzos. I should not be taking that or etizolam (they are pretty much the same thing except xanax makes me pass out and sedated) because they leave the system so fast it is dangerous. I would need to start at around 100mg valium a day and reduce by maybe 5% or 10% at first to get the dose down faster and it would take several years. I can't say how much xanax I take it's too shameful but it would make any doc's jaw drop and my GP who reminds me a little of you she would completely freak out at me. She would have no clue what to do with me, like she'd probably cancel all her appointments for that day and the proceeding days. I have the phone number of a psych somewhere from my last appointment but I lost it. Everything is so complicated like I've been waiting on that referral for a couple years I just started getting benzos from my pain doc.

I don't really know what to say but my friend used to say at least if I have valium in your system you know you're not going to have a seizure. I have some valium, I've been in wicked bad withdrawal and it is scary when I know that cold turkey would flat out kill me.

I do know they do valium tapers like that but it's like a suboxone clinic kind of. You have to get drug tested and go to the pharmacy daily at least at first. That would be fine, but tbh it would never happen and I'd be taking a huge risk that in my mind is simply not worth it. The shame and hate around these drugs by doctors is so much more than opiates ever were. I cannot even speak to my doctor about how they are working, have not had an increase in many years. I have had doctors and nurses criticize me for being on it. Well they fucking prescribed me the shit this is the one addiction I actually didn't know what the fuck I was getting into. It is going to be the next big thing in the news for sure, my dealer was saying two of his friends had seizures coming off them. They were taking 10 times less apparently and he was shaking his head so yeah it's so stupid that this is becoming a popular recreational drug like extremely popular benzos in general just around the time I've had a long term addiction and need help. They don't know what the fuck to do, honestly this would be like a case study for a doctor to analyze or some shit for an exam.

I'm extremely nervous and now my dose cuts are what like 66.6% or something. That would be fine, but not at this heavy of a dose. At this level of addiction, I don't even think they would believe me until I started dying.
 
Shit brother! This is bad!

I suppose you have tried every connection you know of to get some more?
What about that clonazolam stuff? Even the etziolam would be better then cutting down that quickly.
You could do a rush order.

Do you have any kind of anti convulsant drugs around?

I know you must feel really bad and I am very worried about you.
Try to stay as calm as you can. Breathe, walk around, try to keep your body loose.
You are going to get through this!

Keep drinking tons of water. Flush the toxins out. Take hot showers, steam. Sweat the toxins out.

You could go to the hospital if you have to and just tell them you are in benzo withdrawal if need be.
You don't have to get into all the details. Just leave it at that.
They can at least monitor you and give you something for seizure control and comfort Meds.

I'm sure they have stuff a lot stronger than Xanax. Even at high dosages. They have stuff that will cover it.
Don't be afraid to go if you need to. Fuck what they think. They can fuck off with their opinions.
Your life and well being is more important.
 
Shroomy I really think you need some medical intervention here. Dropping by as much as you're dropping is so dangerous... I know you know this but for real. At this point the most important thing is your health. I think it's time you reach out for help, real help. Obviously this tapering thing by yourself is not working out for you. Even if you weren't in imminent danger at the moment I would still say you should seek medical help just so you can be medically supervised in a taper and stop having to source your own benzos and swing back and forth. But at this moment you're really in danger and it makes me nervous. I don't want to see you in the Shrine. Go get some help man. <3
 
You are full of good ideas, thanks. There is a chance I can get etizolam in time. I also got grapefruit juice which I think potentiates the benzos. I don't know if it does for valium or xanax or both.

I was thinking about anti-convulsant drugs too. Klonopin is used for epilepsy, another idea is I could book an emergency appointment (however, the fucking holiday schedule is completely fucking with that this week of all weeks) and just say the valium isn't working anymore and ask to switch to klonopin and she'd be happy and I'd be happy because I think it is better for avoiding seizures. If I quit these drugs completely at this point, I would probably end up epileptic. I've never worried about a drug frying my head or long term effects before but this is different. This will haunt me for the rest of my life, and it will be the end of my drug use apart from weed if I can even still smoke it. I really need something close to a pure indica or I can't anymore.

I am way ahead of you on the water, I stopped drinking coffee as well like 10 cups a day to zero. I've been drinking soo much water. I am able to eat a little bit after the kush.

You reminded me I have some sort of muscle relaxer around but I want to know how sedated I am by the benzos it is safest I think. Probably couldn't find it anyway I haven't seen it in a while.

I am very worried about me. The best case scenario is something you already touched on, basically being completely out of benzos except for valium and having a solid etizolam supply. This is all I need, but it touches on another issue. Finances. I'm pretty screwed right now from years of neglect with that. But, there is a reasonable chance oh and my tolerance would have to be lower and it probably would be. I am probably in etizolam withdrawal in some way or another right now anyway since I was using only that for so long. I like the idea of tapering with it - I've tried it before and I know I could do it if I commit, and the quality control on that stuff is way better and safer.

I could go to the hospital but with the massive habit I have, I don't think I would want to. I think I would rather die than put my life in their hands. But I can see myself rushing there and at least saying I am having a hardcore panic attack and getting some xanax or something... circles circles circles. The best case scenario is that my etizolam habit tolerance is down enough making it affordable to taper because I have easiest access to that drug normally. I think my tolerance will definitely be down after a few weeks of withdrawing. I think it already is, by quite a bit. I've been withdrawing hard it's going to leave me with brain damage but it's the best I can do right now. I can't just break this out to a doctor and have it my way in a day. It's not something that they are used to dealing with and I highly doubt my doctor has ever in her life seen anything close to such a bad case of benzo abuse. That is a guarantee because there are all these new benzos now she doesn't even know about that I have taken massive amounts of.

That isn't how this country works. They would probably kill me. I would be treated like an animal at the hospital and the sad truth is that a lot of benzo addicts are. They absolutely despise them because they know it's impossibly hard to treat and they fucked up royally making the drugs in the first place. Leaving me dying here at the prime of my life and the turn of the new year. It can't happen but I just know that I wouldn't be able to handle the way they would withdraw me. I'd rather die like I wouldn't but I'd have no real choice unless this was more of a drawn out thing where I told my doctor well in advance and got into a psych and stuff then... maybe like a month or two or a year from now? Like sometimes there just isn't any help from them.
 
Yeah thanks, it is a complicated situation and I am certainly not running to a hospital. That is not the thing to do right now. I need to have a long talk with the only doctor I trust, and I need time to taper myself down to a dose that doesn't make me seem clinically insane and is more of a massive hard drug habit. In other words, that they can actually deal with. I'm tapering now to the point of severe withdrawal and for as long as I can I will be doing that and holding at a low enough dose that I can be like before and stabilize before going through this. Ideally, I might end up dead though and what the fuck ever if this even happened to begin with.
 
Here is something useful I found for benzo withdrawal.

Things to look out for:
-dehydration and low electrolytes. This will greatly increase chances of seizure, if not be the cause of it.
-Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea. This will all lead to dehydration and nutritional deficits. Electrolye drinks, anti-nausea med, can help. Supplements may or may not help, depending if you are able to digest them or not.
-Exaggerated stress response, due to low GABA and high glutamate levels. Supplementing with GABA precursors might help recover faster, but won't remove this exaggerated response.
-Sensitivity to sound, possibly becoming auditory hallucinations. This usually precedes psychosis, or is the beginning of it.
-Insomnia or poor sleep. Supplementing with melatonin may help.
 
Thanks, the first point I think was intuitive for me. I figured I better stay hydrated to avoid a seizure. I have been drinking so much water, because of stopping all that coffee abruptly too. I had to because I started getting panic attacks.

I may end up needing way less of this medication than I think I do if I stick specifically to indica marijuana - no hybrids or sativas - supplement with CBD oil, and get myself down to a reasonable dose asap so that I don't end up hurting my body any more than I have. There is a lot of hope.

Keep in mind, I have been this way for years. It is a supply issue and finances related to tolerance. Time to quit. Just smoked some weed to calm down. There is hope though just a bit I'll say my prayers for sure.
 
ShroomySatori said:
I'm obviously considering killing myself I can't deal with this anymore after 2 years of it and how the fuck did this even happen it's not like nobody knew nobody gives a fucking fuck until i pretty much committed suicide the only way i knew i would ever end up dead was from running out of benzos it's the only time i'd ever kill myself. i think i did it subconsciously on purpose. these whole 2 years i have been isolated and miserable and physically in fucking hell. And now xanax withdrawal. I can't do it anymore fuck this honestly i could slash my damned wrists and you know. this was something i needed to do 10 years ago.
Click to expand...

Don't do it .
This is not a hopeless situation.
Calm down. Breathe.
Let's get you a supply to work with first and then you can get some help with having a family member help you with the dosages.
Your family would much rather help you.

You can get to that psych doctor or whatever route you want to go.
There is help out there.

Right now, we need to get you some medication. So get to the hospital and get some Xanax and order the etziolam on a rush order.

Can you call a family member and have them take you to the hospital?
 
ShroomySatori said:
Thanks, the first point I think was intuitive for me. I figured I better stay hydrated to avoid a seizure. I have been drinking so much water, because of stopping all that coffee abruptly too. I had to because I started getting panic attacks.

I may end up needing way less of this medication than I think I do if I stick specifically to indica marijuana - no hybrids or sativas - supplement with CBD oil, and get myself down to a reasonable dose asap so that I don't end up hurting my body any more than I have. There is a lot of hope.

Keep in mind, I have been this way for years. It is a supply issue and finances related to tolerance. Time to quit. Just smoked some weed to calm down. There is hope though just a bit I'll say my prayers for sure.
Click to expand...

There you go.
There is definately hope.
Try and calm down. Chill.
Realize you are just feeling so bad from chemical imbalance.
The human body is an amazing thing. It can regulate and repair itself, given time and care.

I'm praying for you! Prayer is a strong solution! Keep praying.
 
Great job mtop!!!

I was thinking of you and wondering where you were. Don't be such a stranger, we like you around here!! ; )

How were your holidays? Plans for the New Year?

Keep up the great work!! You got this!!!

Hugs,
Your friend,
Ash.
mtop2036 said:
Hope you guys are doing well. I'm down to 1.5mg on my subs!
Click to expand...
 
Wishing all of you, Painful One, Mtop, DJ, UncleJ, Squeaky and Shroomy and everyone else a very happy, healthy and prosperous New Year!!!

I love you guys!!!

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

9k=
def37f14591ad2cbc87e5eccc6cc8a8e.jpg
 
EPL1 said:
Great job mtop!!!

I was thinking of you and wondering where you were. Don't be such a stranger, we like you around here!! ; )

How were your holidays? Plans for the New Year?

Keep up the great work!! You got this!!!

Hugs,
Your friend,
Ash.
Click to expand...

Thanks, truly means a lot. I try not to be a stranger but reading sometimes reading bluelight makes me think more about drugs so I try to stay away time to time.

Did nothing for he holidays. Just stayed at home trying adjust to my new dose. I

I get my subutex from a methadone clinic who also does suboxone/subutex. And they won't let you break up pills there but I've found a way around that. So I'm on a lower amount than they even allow for subs. My counselor is aware of what I'm doing and is cool with it. He thinks I'm actually on the lowest dose in the whole clinic which is 800+ people! I'm very proud of my progress especially since I've only been on subs for 6 months and 4 of those months were at 18mg.

Hope you and everyone else had good holidays.

And shroomy, I hadn't read everything but I'm sorry your going through all of this. Very scary when your at a certain level of a substance but there is financial/supply problems. I think I saw you said you got some etizolam. It's been years since I've had any but the powder was such a good deal compared to buy stuff from the streets. If you know you could be safe with having a large amount that's what I'd do then taper as much as you can before you quit.

But if you start feeling strange like possible seizure strange please don't hesitate to go to the ER or call 911. Being possibly judged by medical staff that you probably won't see again is much better than passing away. Just please be safe. :)
 
dopiejay said:
Thank you. It's nice to hear that. I feel like I'm doing great with the taper and then the goddamn anxiety comes back when my system is benzo free and hits me like a truck.

I find with opioids my thoughts are too scattered to really have any anxiety and I'm pain free as well. I get irritable but I'll take that over crippling depression, anxiety and back/hip pain any day.

So this is my existence now. Going from pill to bottle to different pill back to bottle. All to keep my head on my shoulders, my back & hip from throbbing and to make me sleep through a night. Feel like the bottles and pills are gonna be the end of me.
Click to expand...

Sounds like me. Theres fing empty pill bottles all over my house. Looks like the pharmacy threw up in my bedroom. Some days I grab three or four bottles before I find one that isn?t empty.
 
Happy new year all. Congratulations to Shroomi-one year off opiates. Its been a long hard road brother, but you beat this one. Youll beat benzos too.
I had less of a habit than you, but still enough to give me a small seizure after about 18 hours cold turkey from Lorazepam. I was able to cut by 50% per week without any real problems other than a little insomnia. The hardest part for me was the fear of knowing that is WOULD be hard- tonight, tomorrow, five minutes from now... When I could distract myself with something productive outdoors it all got a lot better. Social interactions are miserable, but physical labor is exhausting and that makes it awesome during a benzo taper. Its better in cold weather too because if you start crying while youre chopping wood nobody notices since youre all bundled up and your nose would be running anyway.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top