Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[ShroomySatori]

Thanks dude. That's all I can manage to read for now, I appreciate it. Painful one has been helping me through. I haven't been able to do much and there have been many times that I thought I was going to die.

12 bars a day down to 4 a day in a week.

This drug is the devil.

I am starting to lose my mind. Hallucinations and stuff, feels like a trip. Not even a bad one, just a hardcore fucking acid trip. Everything is so foreign and odd...

If you don't hear from me within a couple of days that means you won't be hearing from me for a long time, if ever again. I'm cutting it that close. I have my whole family involved and friends and friends of friends who are medical professionals, psychiatrists, everything is set up but if I run out cold turkey it will be an emergency. It already is. I have not slept more than a couple of hours.

This drug is the devil. I am so fucked up I want to scream day after day night after night it's all a blur it's all the same I can't even remember anymore when I last slept, I can't even remember what my pill dose is at times. I'mm so fucked I don't want to die. I do not wish to die. All I want to do is scream and cry for mercy but I will fight this stupid shit to the death of me if that is what my life amounts to. I am in a very dangerous situation have a few backup plans but no matter what this is extremely dangerous what I am doing and I recognize that as the drop is so steep and I was taking so much every day for so long. This has broken me. Now I am getting all the help I need but I might have to survive the next couple of days in this state. If that is the case, I am fucked. I won't be in any condition to write. Will keep you updated friends I have never teetered on the brink of death so much in all my life. There are no guarantees right now that I will be okay, at all. This may be my final post.

 

[ShroomySatori]

This drug is the fucking devil incarnate.

I have fought long and hard. When you don't ever sleep it gets tiresome.

Then you begin to crack. I have cracked. I may be able to get enough to hold me over for a couple weeks but in any case the goal is to get professional help asap on an outpatient basis. I have a psychiatrist now I just have to wait. If I am labelled an addict tomorrow that is fine. Nothing is worth losing my life over. I simply cannot run out of benzos cold turkey though and there is a possibility I will a big one and it is keeping me up at night. I would know it was an emergency right away, for now I am okay but not for much longer and I am not really that okay. I'm in hell. I'm alive though.

I have done everything I possibly can in a horrible state of body and mind to keep myself alive. I have suffered so much, I will never be the same. This drug is the fucking devil. This week alone definitely fried my head, I'm going to be out of it for a while. I was fine going from 12 to 8, but not from 12 to 4.

I have very little left, an amount that I would absolutely call an emergency. If I can't get enough to taper back at 8 or at least 6 by tomorrow, I am fucked. I have a big decision to make. I have already decided that I wish to live. It just might not be up to me at this point. I am lucky, if you can call it that, to have made it this far alive. I have no idea how I never ran out until just now 6 years later, but I used to have money and now I don't and all my connects left for the holidays. I've been fuckin dying and I'll keep you posted asap at least unless I lose my mind. If I didn't have kush I would be in the hospital already. I have been drinking so, so, so much water and it isn't really affecting my appetite too much for some reason. It's the extreme anxiety, tremors, dizziness, extreme spine pain, complete insomnia, auditory hallucinations, chest pains and heart palpitations, the headspace of a bad trip, racing thoughts even on taper doses there is never any fucking relief it's just getting worse and worse I am fucking losing my mind to the point that I am going to write a note in my pocket so that people can even understand what is wrong with me if it comes to that.

This will alter the course of my life if God sees me through it. I will change. This is what it took. This is no withdrawal. This is the experience of hell. This is fucking hell on earth it has destroyed my whole entire life. Quitting heroin and oxy was training wheels for this, I am lasting a week and already on the verge of death and my mind is cracking. I have a moment of clarity here. It's just that I am going to be totally fine I have all the help I need now, on the very very stupid condition that I can find enough to hold me over while I keep tapering and actually getting the help and doing a taper it's just I felt it best to cut my dose drastically I guess before getting help, subconsciously maybe. I don't even make any sense anymore. I'm doing great for the state that I am in but things could bad very very fast and the hospital is nearby I'm not stupid. I am also getting an emergency appointment scheduled tomorrow first thing. I can't die like this but I am in for a complete world of hell if I run out cold turkey. I should keep that in mind. If I can type, I'm not going to die. But I rarely can, this is a small window that came out of nowhere. I figured I should post just in case I can't again. I've been through so much hell and my dose is still way too high to be safe at all to come off even if I wasn't sick. That is what really makes me nervous.

Thank you all for your support squeaky, ash, pokemama, painful one, northern girl, and the newer folk too like dopie jay thanks for everything all of you. I hope to be okay. I have made my decisions for now. I have to survive the night. Another sleepless night I am too panicked to lay down. Feels like I'm dying I try not to pace. Chain toking is okay but I need to be hydrated. y body is fucked I've lost so much weight it's like starting over as a skeleton reborn if I am even given the chance to get help for a 4 bar a day habit as after all this bullshit I'm not just going back to those retarded doses that is fucking insane. I'm learning to deal with the anxiety God willing and that is a big thing to ask seeing as such a bad person I have been. I want nothing but to be grateful and happy now and I say that sick but it isn't the sickness it is the fucking suffering I'll just never be the same I think you can get brain damage and ptsd and shit. I hope it ends soon, not my life, the low supply from such a confluence of events that something spiritual is definitely going on. I don't know what that means though it could be life or death. I don't even know if I get to choose anymore.

Okay, and this is a BIG okay, but it looks like I just might be okay as soon as tomorrow. This is a big okay, but there is a chance. I would definitely raise my dose to a safe level immediately and continue to pursue help because the same thing is going to happen again and I can never ever go through this over and over like I did with opiates. It's sort of a one time deal. It's not even. I lost my pills the other day and nearly died until I had a panic attack racing around and found them. All I need is a supply to taper with, or at least stabilize, while I wait and find professional help, hopefully at a lower dose so I am not an anomaly. If it comes to an emergency and I don't have a choice, then I think I will know what to do at that point.

 

[Squeaky]

For us all.........
Life comes in stages.
Stage 1: This sucks but its not my fault
Stage 2: I can make it work anyway
Stage 3: I have found a solution
Stage 3.5: start over
Stage 4: I screwed myself
Stage 5: I can make it work anyway
Stage 6: I have found a solution
Stage 6.5: go back to stage 4
Stage 6.6: go back to stage 1
Stage 7: Im fucked, and this needs to stop before it kills me.
Begin with finances, health, dope, etc. It doesnt really matter. Stages last days weeks years.
Quit buying life on credit or you will always be in debt. Take your career seriously or be forever unemployed. Give your car a tune up or dont be surprised when it breaks down.

Stop making excuses. Do the hard work. Life takes a lot of time.

Smart people quit around stage 7. Sometimes really smart people commit suicide around stage 4. The dumbest ones make it to stage 8

Stage 8- blame somebody else and go back to stage 1.

I want to be smarter.... but Im afraid to be too smart.

 

[Mafioso]

Hey shroomy, what you are describing sounds exactly like the week(s) leading up to me having psychosis and seizures from benzo withdrawal.

Please let someone know and get yourself some help. At this point even if you can get more you might not be completely out of harms way. And it's not worth risking your sanity and future well-being on someone else getting drugs to you, even if you have amazing connects... at least I don't think it is anymore.

I still deal with chronic back pain from the last seizure I had, and not everyone comes out of psychosis. It can take some people a really long time to recover. It took me a few months before I was right again.

 

[ShroomySatori]

I CANNOT. CANNOT FUCKING TAKE THIS ANYMORE MAN YOU ARE RIGHT. FUCK. FUCKING FUCK FUCKING WHAT THE FUCK.

WHAT WITHDRAWAL MAKES A GRAM A DAY OPIOID HABIT LOOK LIKE A LITTLE. BITCH. FUCK. FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I CANNOT. DO THIS ANYMORE.

FUCK. I WILL FIGHT THROUGH THIS I DONT GIVE A FUCK OR I WILL DIE THE FUCK TRYING. FUCK. FUCKING FUCK. FUCK. NO NO NO NO NO YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT IT ALL IVE CRACKED IVE FUCKING SNAPPED NO SLEEP NEVER ANY SLEEP WOKE UP STARVING LOW BLOOD SUGAR FRIEND WARNED ME THAT HAPPENS BEFORE SEIZURES HAD 4 BANANAS FUCKING WHATEVER. I am FUCKED.

It is NOT worth it if I even get my shit I am booking an emergency appointment with my doctor who prescribes these ASAP and I just heard back from a psychiatrist about an appointment. My family knows. Everyone knows. I can't fucking take it anymore it's so obvious I've been fucking wrecked out of my mind. I have nearly fuckin DIED this week SO many times FUCKING FUCK IT HAS TAKEN EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO MAKE IT THIS FAR IT IS TIME TO STOP. I ALREADY DID I TOLD THE FAMILY EVERYONE KNOWS JUST NOT EVERY DETAIL YET. FUCK. I CANT EVEN DO THIS I CANT WIHDRAWAL I CANT HANDLE ITTTT

Since fuckin BOXING DAY I HAVE BEEN THIS WAY NO SLEEP NO FUCKING SLEEP FUCK. FUCKING FUCK.

 

[ShroomySatori]

24 mg of xanax a day WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING. NOTHING. I WISHED I WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME AND NOW AT THE LAST MINUTE I REALIZE I CANNOT. THAT I LOVE MY LIFE EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE I HAVE MADE AMENDS WITH EVERYONE IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE DIED I HOPE TO BE REBORN I WILL NEVER EVER BE THE SAME AFTER THIS IT HAS BEEN HELL. It has taken SO much out of me I've been eating really healthy and like never ever stop drinking water I can't fucking take it anymore I just can't. I can't. I am done. I throw in the towel. I just don't know what to do yet I need my shit so I have at least a week to get appointments in and a sleep before emergency. If I don't have my shit I'm a sitting duck no matter what I have realized about how serious and life threatening this is.

fuck. sorry

 

[Xorkoth]

I'm glad you're getting help, man. Do you have an appointment set? If you don't get benzos very soon you should go to emergency and just explain it. Who cares if you're an anomaly with how much you're taking? If you are then the medical field might learn something.

 

[Painful One]

Happy New Year friends!
I love you too!

I have been busy helping ShroomySatori. He is going to be just fine. No worries.

This is very important and short. Please watch it.
Some of you are the same as me. Check it out.

https://youtu.be/uO4I1d0nc7E

 

[EPL1]

I agree with Mafioso and Shadow Shroomy.

Your life is paramount. If you can't get an appointment asap just go to the emerg please.

Much love, I am so sorry you are struggling and wish I could just take it away.

Hang in there but please get help.

Your friend always,
Ash.

 

[Painful One]

Hey shroomy, what you are describing sounds exactly like the week(s) leading up to me having psychosis and seizures from benzo withdrawal.

Please let someone know and get yourself some help. At this point even if you can get more you might not be completely out of harms way. And it's not worth risking your sanity and future well-being on someone else getting drugs to you, even if you have amazing connects... at least I don't think it is anymore.

I still deal with chronic back pain from the last seizure I had, and not everyone comes out of psychosis. It can take some people a really long time to recover. It took me a few months before I was right again.

Yeah, this is what I was trying to tell him. Happened to me too.
I'm glad you were all here for him while I had to get some sleep.
You are good people.

I can't get him to respond. Hopefully he is at the hospital.
At least he has given this up and cracked.
His family is watching him.

Pray for him guys. He is having it rough and I mean rough.

ShroomySatori- check in with me bro! As soon as you can.

 

[Painful One]

Sounds like me. Theres fing empty pill bottles all over my house. Looks like the pharmacy threw up in my bedroom. Some days I grab three or four bottles before I find one that isn?t empty.

Hugs and much love to you my friend.
I'm sorry you are having so rough also.
My prayers are with you too!

 

[Painful One]

Hope you guys are doing well. I'm down to 1.5mg on my subs!

Good work mtop2036!

A bit stressed here but doing alright.

Congratulations on the major progress!

 

[ShroomySatori]

Yeah, this is what I was trying to tell him. Happened to me too.
I'm glad you were all here for him while I had to get some sleep.
You are good people.

I can't get him to respond. Hopefully he is at the hospital.
At least he has given this up and cracked.
His family is watching him.

Pray for him guys. He is having it rough and I mean rough.

ShroomySatori- check in with me bro! As soon as you can.

I didn't see this. My body is still stressed to the max I can feel it. I'm going to be okay, but need to start being more responsible. Did I ever fight for my life. And yes it was hell. I was tortured. I was tortured until I finally cracked and then tortured some more. I could not sleep, making it seem to last eternally and every day my health was getting worse despite eating a lot, constantly drinking water... I am getting help now or I am going to die. I get the picture. That was rough and I mean rough. Especially today, and I had to make a lot of smart decisions with the help of others in order to survive. And fight. Did I ever fight, I know I shouldn't be but I am proud that I made it through the way I chose to this time. I did so in a way, that I will be forced to get help now and very much want it and it's right there for me starting next week. This is the most important thing in my life right now. I can destroy this monster too I know it. I have angels on my side.

You are right to tell me that. It was hours away from happening in the worst possible way. I was confident in my decision and planned and thought about it a lot but I woke up today completely freaking out. The entire week was scheming on how to keep myself alive and it took a lot. I have not slept and I still have tinnitus. I wonder if that can become permanent from this. A family member has it.

Still too stressed to read most of the messages. I am in rough shape still. This broke me and that is a good thing. It's like how H withdrawal broke me and I haven't gone back since two July's ago. Except, this is a serious medical error and not only on my part. Who even creates this shit. Whoever did created a monster.

Painful One I could not have done that without you. I would have freaked out and done something stupid. Not saying that what I did was wise. But it worked out by sheer luck.

 

[ShroomySatori]

I'm glad you're getting help, man. Do you have an appointment set? If you don't get benzos very soon you should go to emergency and just explain it. Who cares if you're an anomaly with how much you're taking? If you are then the medical field might learn something.

Yeah man. I was going to run out with no real plan due to a long and intertwined confluence of events. Now, I at least have a couple of weeks to arrange things.

My etizolam tolerance is way down too. It is much weaker than xanax to me. I can take 15mg now and that is way too much for a taper. It wasn't enough before. I think I could get by on 6mg doses. I hand't taken it in a while so. But I am in shock I feel in in my chest. I still haven't slept. It might take a while to calm down is this normal? After a week of sheer torture with very little to no sleep.

The blessing is I now have two weeks at least to sort this out without rushing to a hospital cold turkey. I have recognized the severity of the problem. I am getting help from multiple avenues and I am coming clean with everyone. Starting with my doctor. It is the best thing to do. I can't lie anymore to people like that I don't feel like a junkie. I am trying to save myself with the help of many others. Everyone's opinion in my life is going to be considered, I know this. It is serious. I don't have that much time but I'm going to keep tapering once I calm down. I hope I didn't like, fry my brain or something. Seriously. Man that was rough. I only freaked out like that once in a while though. I generally kept a level head despite the chaos.

I do have an appointment set, next week, and I am good until then. I'm in such a better situation now because I can take a moment or a week to think and explore all these avenues I really should have been a decade ago.

 

[ShroomySatori]

I agree with Mafioso and Shadow Shroomy.

Your life is paramount. If you can't get an appointment asap just go to the emerg please.

Much love, I am so sorry you are struggling and wish I could just take it away.

Hang in there but please get help.

Your friend always,
Ash.

I was getting delusional to the point that I wouldn't know what emerge was. This is good to know for the future. Painful one pointed out that I could leave a note in my pocket explaining some things or something like that just in case. You never know like I could lose my stuff or something. That is why it is critical I taper quickly, but not so quickly that I get brain damage. I still have tinnitus after dosing a decent amount it's weird...

These struggles are necessary for my progression through life. I don't know how it comes to this, or why, but I believe that it was meant to be. I have been given fair warning. I was a day away from losing my mind and I was essentially entirely out of benzos right before I got more. So irresponsible. I have lived 30 years of life. Not to go out the way but I can't do this on my own. It isn't heroin.

Thanks for your concern, I am still in shock and the tinnitus concerns me. I feel like it was so stressful I could have hurt my mind long term. It was a very abrupt taper from that high a dose and a bad situation to be in. But it worked out, God bless.

Blessings in the new year

 

[ShroomySatori]

Hey shroomy, what you are describing sounds exactly like the week(s) leading up to me having psychosis and seizures from benzo withdrawal.

Please let someone know and get yourself some help. At this point even if you can get more you might not be completely out of harms way. And it's not worth risking your sanity and future well-being on someone else getting drugs to you, even if you have amazing connects... at least I don't think it is anymore.

I still deal with chronic back pain from the last seizure I had, and not everyone comes out of psychosis. It can take some people a really long time to recover. It took me a few months before I was right again.

Man, I didn't know they were that serious. I need to stop taking the word of people who don't know what they are talking about (I don't mean you).

I was wondering, what happens if I have as severe spinal injury already and then have a seizure... I hear the spine is involved somehow.

I am doing this I promise you I am going to try my hardest to survive. My worry is what comes after and the panic attacks I had before on a daily basis.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Happy New Year friends!
I love you too!

I have been busy helping ShroomySatori. He is going to be just fine. No worries.

This is very important and short. Please watch it.
Some of you are the same as me. Check it out.

https://youtu.be/uO4I1d0nc7E

Thanks for everything I really appreciate it. Thank you for pointing out that I have been developing anorexia. It is so true. The digestive system seems to shut down over time if I don't eat. I am eating better now. More sodium, no idea how you could tell I was low on that. Well, you have done something very good for the world. I am a little shaky and I'm hoping tomorrow after I finally sleep will be much better.

You are very kind. By the way, ever try sage oil in the diffuser? It's supposed to be very stimulating and I have it going strong now. It's awesome. I feel hungry all of a sudden too. These essential oils are so worth exploring. I feel more refreshed too in my lungs. Ohhh I smell like I am in a delightful forest at the moment. But I am taking this seriously. You have been through enough so I am keeping this one more upbeat. Because I made it! And we were a team. I will help you through any withdrawal don't hesitate to ask.

 

[Painful One]

Thanks for everything I really appreciate it. Thank you for pointing out that I have been developing anorexia. It is so true. The digestive system seems to shut down over time if I don't eat. I am eating better now. More sodium, no idea how you could tell I was low on that. Well, you have done something very good for the world. I am a little shaky and I'm hoping tomorrow after I finally sleep will be much better.

You are very kind. By the way, ever try sage oil in the diffuser? It's supposed to be very stimulating and I have it going strong now. It's awesome. I feel hungry all of a sudden too. These essential oils are so worth exploring. I feel more refreshed too in my lungs. Ohhh I smell like I am in a delightful forest at the moment. But I am taking this seriously. You have been through enough so I am keeping this one more upbeat. Because I made it! And we were a team. I will help you through any withdrawal don't hesitate to ask.

You're welcome my friend. I'm glad I was around to help! You were in serious trouble.

I'm so happy you are feeling better and eating! You will stabilize soon and things are already clearing up a lot for you.
I am happy this made you come to your senses and understand the serious danger of benzodiazepines.
They are some very scary medication! I thought I was going insane when I just stopped taking them abruptly after being Injured.
I did not know you could even have withdrawal from medication back then. It was terrifying!

I will have to try out the sage. You know I love the aromatherapy and essential oils! I have not tried that one.
A pine forest sounds delightful!

Yes, you made it and we are a team. You have helped me many times. I'm thankful to have you for a friend!
I don't want to loose you! Be careful with your dosages and keep things under control. I'm glad you are going to get some medical help for this too. It is not something you can do without help. But you got this!

Angels are helping you.

I hope you are asleep and healing. Be well. You are loved.

 

[ShroomySatori]

I was in serious trouble. Running low of a xanax habit that size takes a lot to keep a level head for that long. I could have run out early easily and cut it very close. I pretty much had no pills left, not even enough to make it to emerg. People kill themselves instead of facing that shit.

I just had my plant based protein in grapefruit juice, and I didn't destabilize my taper. I still haven't slept. I just have to wait like 50 minutes though to dose and I should be able to a bit. Every time with oxy this would have ruined my taper but with etizolam / xanax I feel that you use need to get back on track asap. They are not as psychologically addicting to me. So, I am right back on track just taking a bit higher dose and you may consider xanax / etizolam to be the same thing pretty much. So I take a lot of etizolam a day, but much less than before.

I can't just go back to that tolerance this withdrawal will give me a heart attack. I gotta take it easy though as I cracked. I broke down and admitted defeat. I want to see that spiritual thing I'm watching it right after this. Because this has changed my life and I don't think I can calm down. Like wen I first broke through on DMT and normally I'm chill with DMT right after but I had overwhelming thoughts for hours. Shock. Sort of feels like that right now from the torture. That's what the was. Brutal, gruesome torture. It reduced me to a withering, twitching zombie. I had no spirit and what really scares me is losing touch with reality. I like to be in control. I felt it slipping away, and fast.

Sage is AMAZING. Yes and I want to start a business of one a modern day apothecary like harry potter but with essential oils from all around the world and grow and distill my own too and live on a country farm with a beautiful wife and kids it is my dream and to live off the land too!!! i can't give up on that but I don't know what to do here. That shit makes you lose your mind. Like what if I've just fried my head and need to keep on it.

I'm nervous about the help I think I should taper down as much as possible before going in. It has to be soon. I'm stable now, with a lower etizolam tolerance it seems.

I don't know if I got this. From how I was feeling today, I don't got this one bit. I didn't sleep today, but I had a great day. So yeah I really need to sleep but I still have tinnitus. It's not the benzo dose my body is in some sort of shock. Do you know if that is common

 

[Painful One]

Yeah, I understand. You do have to get yourself out of withdrawal and keep stable on this.
Easy does it. The medical people will taper you down very, very slowly.
You just need to find the correct therapeutic dosage to control your anxiety/panic attack disorder and then hold there.

That is why you need serious professional medical help with this. So you don't hurt yourself.
They know what to do. Follow their directions and they will get you alright and comfortable.
I think the tinnutitis will subside soon.

You probably are in some shock still. Just keep eating, staying hydrated and stable on the dosage. Getting some sleep will definitely help you to feel a lot better too. I don't know about you but I am tired! I'm going to go snooze and sleep good, knowing that you are alright now! That was very scary! I know it was torture for you. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

One can definitely fry their brain with the withdrawal and from too high of dosages with that shit I think. But you didn't do that.
Your cognitive functioning is returning quickly. You do need a bit of time to heal from that. That was hardcore.
Pamper yourself in every way and dont worry about things right now. You need a break.

The future is bright! You have taken a lot of good steps forward and are seeking medical treatment.
Everything is going to be alright. Try and relax and sleep.