Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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I need to find the right professional. It is going to take time and I better start now with that psych.

Yes it is so I don't hurt myself if I run out, for one. The tinnitus did subside, but it came back.

It took a day to calm down. I woke up in the middle of the night confused. Just cause I skipped my last dose, this may mean that I have to adjust the etizolam lower. I decided to wait 2 hours until the next dose, because I am not really withdrawing too hard right now. Sort of annoying that I woke up at this time but then again I am lucky to be here.

I am in some shock still. I'm SO tired but yes I knew it was going to torture me too, until the very end until I cracked and gave in. I feel like I slept really good though. I don't know why that is. I am weary of confusion in this morning like in the horoscope. I'm already confused. I can just nap later haha I need to figure out how much etiz I need a day right now and I only can if I dose at the right times or like, at least within an hour of them.

I had to go through that. It was a test. I nearly died. I was convinced I was going to die. God had me convinced. Everything was out of my hands and I was withdrawing so hard I could not lift my head up and communicate.

Yes it is returning quickly. I started reading again yesterday! A really complex book, I only read like two pages haha but I still did!

I need to try and relax, but I have to stay awake now. If I don't, my body is used to dosing at these times and I will further destabilize myself.

It says watch out for confusion maybe I will relapse on coffee lol. OMG a blondie roast coffee right now would be amazing. I have a whole bag from Christmas I haven't touched. I went through caffeine withdrawal from 10 cups a day all year to zero when I was in benzo withdrawal there was no way I was touching a cup. I feel like I should just keep off it now but I'm so f*cking lazy and I like coffee. I should allow myself a damned coffee lol. Like you are saying, I am still out of it I know this doesn't make complete sense. I haven't taken a benzo in 11 hours though and had an early awakening. That sucks... but I can nap today.

I think I am like this because I haven't smoked weed in so long and just don't realize it. By 'so long' I probably mean 6 hours max haha and to me that is an eternity to wait for a bong toke aha.
 
I still don't have my sanity back but that quarter g bong toke sure helped. I hadn't smoked in something like 12 hours and it woke me right up like an instant cup of coffee. I was exhausted before then. I have no idea what my tolerance is because I was doing so much shit. It seems lower for sure, it would have to be I didn't really reinstate too much and still at a comparatively low dose. I'm sticking to etizolam today, well, I blew through everything else at the last minute. That is a bad, bad situation to be in. Eventually, your mind breaks. You snap and freak. It took a week for me. I'm feeling really great today a lot better though. I have lemongrass oil (catpiss my friend calls it) going in the diffuser and I think with that bong rip the uplifting terpenes are making me feeling silly and giggly a bit, but there is a serious undertone because this is not a happy time of my life with no worries. Not by any means. This is life or death.

That bong rip was so nice, it's so much better in moderation. What confused me this morning, is that I woke up with no cravings to smoke pot, and I could eat food without pot again. I think I was becoming anorexic and that is why I could not eat more than a meal a day at most, and from inactivity. My digestive system shuts down. Well, I sure did a lot of pacing back and forth this past week all night. Was too anxious to lay down most of the time. My blood sugar dropped like crazy one morning and I had 4 bananas. Without that piece of advice, I may have not ended up so well.

I still don't feel safe because I'm not. This is going to be the death of me most likely, I can't see myself handling it without tying up a noose, but I will fight to the death. I will seize however many times I need to fuking seize. I hear they only last a minute anyway. Keep em comin'. I've suffered so much I don't give a fuck anymore! I am nobody's bitch anymore. I will beat this or die a noble death trying. After what happened, I simply cannot take more than the bare minimum of this drug. I was taking way more than necessary but that. is. done. I'm too scared to now. I have to get into my doctors asap when they are back in. I will push and shove my way in if I have to. When the time comes though, I realize I need to act fast and well before I run out. Because, you start to lose your mind and I knew what a hospital was at the time but I wouldn't have known how to get there. I was a vegetable. It shocks me how much food I ate during the withdrawal, and how much weight I lost. Ugh you can see my collarbones bad I think. I hate that, but I am good at getting healthy fast. The decision I made to make it last minute. At least there was fair warning because I understand that people end their lives in those situations and if you leave it to the last minute without even telling anyone, I think there is a risk of that happening.
 
That's the spirit my friend!

We will die trying!

I tell you, I am disturbed. I learned some things myself through this. Someone mentioned that the sugar dropping hypoglycemia thing (which I have - diagnosed) is a pre-cursor to seizures and I think I have been having seizures and not remembering that happened.
Like, that explains a lot to me. Missing time, waking up with my body killing for weeks and wondering what the fuck I did to myself.
Also, confusion and memory loss problems for weeks etc.

Fuck! I think my mom has the same thing too. It explains a lot about why she is so confusing and doesn't remember basic stuff I tell her- all my life she has been that way and I thought it was just some mental abuse bullshit but no, she has a health problem and I have the same fucking one!

I was only able to sleep for a few hours tonight. I have not slept well for weeks either actually. I have not messed up on any medication or anything either, I am SO careful to keep things exactly exact so because I have been trying to figure this out.

I think I had a seizure recently. My blood sugar dropped really low on New Years Day and I almost passed out before I could shovel in some sugar and food. I eat regularly too. But my body is killing like I had a seizure and my dreams are all strange. I just woke up thinking a Lion had its claws in my back right on my spine.

Shit. Hell. Fuck!
 
I think I've had seizures too, it would explain a lot. I don't know if you remember them if nobody is around? I get those random pain flares as well that last for a couple weeks and I feel depressed during that time.

You learned some things most definitely. It is not over yet. Unfortunately, I am still in danger and a crisis situation. I need to act fast if I want to do anything at all responsible.

I wonder what the dream means how you could interpret it. I am still in just as much danger I just did not realize. Fuck. This is ridiculous. I don't trust myself that I will do anything, until the very last minute.
 
This is ridiculous. You would think doctors know about the seizure thing and would have tested us long ago!

Sigh!

We gotta get some help shroom. We have to go tell them what we know to be happening. Just the facts and let them figure it out. We are not doctors unfortunately.

We will hold hands from afar and go together!
 
Seizures happen when your brain basically shuts down and reboots. Kind of like slapping an old television so hard the screen goes black for a while. Sometimes you just pass out, sometimes its like people with epilepsy who fall down and flop around on the floor. Occasionally the muscle contractions during a gran mal seizure can do very real damage to the soft tissues around the spine- like being in a car accident. They are common during alcohol and benzo withdrawls and should be considered as life threatening as a heart attack. I have only had one during benzo withdrawl and it scared me to death.

Pride has killed so many good people. Go be honest with the dr Shroomi. Dont be too ashamed to go to the ER or rehab (unless youre prepared to die for pride) Its amazing how human you become when you admit to a problem like this. Anyone who isnt supportive can go to hell. Doctors included.
And the tinnitus goes away when whatever caused it goes away. It does take a few weeks sometimes but rest assured it is not likely permanent. I had it for a while, from Pregablin wd I think (not exactly sure).
 
This is horrible Painful One. We both cannot continue living like this and by the way I am not out of this yet. I thought I would have enough to taper for a few weeks, it is a couple of days possibly. It has actually put me in an even more dangerous situation than before. I need to think about what to do today but I'm fucking exhausted.

Squeaky, you are right. My rebellion against this fucking medical system may leave me dead. I was already in a position where I absolutely needed to go and I chose not to. I don't think I'm going to get a second chance. They gave me this shit to begin with at that very place, I'm not going back. I cannot trust my life in the hands of this medical system with this high of a tolerance or any daily use at all really. The reason is not pride, it's just I know how they treat it and I would probably die after suffering beyond description. It makes me reach for something to slash myself with when I don't have it. The withdrawal, either way I wouldn't last. I'd find a way to kill myself and those seizures... my spine is fucked up enough.

I'll jump off a cliff before hitting up that shit. I can't do it. Wish I hadn't been such a pussy about sticking needles in my arm. Because there was one incident this past week where I almost did commit a very real suicide. I already know this because I was already in that situation and I refuse to listen because it is short notice. I have appointments and I'm getting help but it starts next week. Literally one day too late for my supply. I cannot do an abrupt taper from 12 bars a day I will end up suicidal. Im lucky to be alive still but this started boxing day I think it's letting up a little bit. I mean, my tolerance to the etizolam seems to be about half of what it was. Does that make sense? I don't know how fast benzo tolerance drops.

Really I should be having a big talk today about everything that is going on but yeah, I have to rebel. I have to rebel against this and if I die trying, that will be my choice but it will not be by choice. That withdrawal will kill me though hospital or not. I need a taper over several years and to get stable with a psychiatrist asap. And yeah like there is no going back now I hope I have a few weeks to think this through, otherwise I'm probably going to die.

So yeah. Things might get crazy tomorrow and I may disappear. I have completely fucked myself even worse than before. I'm not losing my mind but it's the supply. Fuck. Fucking fuck. This is going to end up with me dead one way or another... I cannot kick 12 bars a day being who I am. I have fought. Could slit my wrists right now and not give a fuck if there wasn't any pain. That's the fucked up shit that goes through my head in this fucked up fucking withdrawal and yeah man would you walk into a hospital check yourself in taking 24mg of xanax a day, only really able to feel 100mg of valium dose, and then get treated with 20mg valium at most? I'd end up dead for sure and if I didn't I would make sure of it. I need my fucking fix so I can rush for a profession to help me with a longer term taper that is prescribed. Otherwise, I'm already dead. I won't go. I know me. I will sit here until my head explodes and then tie up a noose and before I know it I will be gone. I do not have the supply I thought I had that is what this is. Otherwise I would be rushing around today I have a lot to do, or at least sleeping. If I can't get it tomorrow I'm probably going to die. 30 isn't really a good year for that.
 
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Seizures happen when your brain basically shuts down and reboots. Kind of like slapping an old television so hard the screen goes black for a while. Sometimes you just pass out, sometimes its like people with epilepsy who fall down and flop around on the floor. Occasionally the muscle contractions during a gran mal seizure can do very real damage to the soft tissues around the spine- like being in a car accident. They are common during alcohol and benzo withdrawls and should be considered as life threatening as a heart attack. I have only had one during benzo withdrawl and it scared me to death.

Pride has killed so many good people. Go be honest with the dr Shroomi. Dont be too ashamed to go to the ER or rehab (unless youre prepared to die for pride) Its amazing how human you become when you admit to a problem like this. Anyone who isnt supportive can go to hell. Doctors included.
And the tinnitus goes away when whatever caused it goes away. It does take a few weeks sometimes but rest assured it is not likely permanent. I had it for a while, from Pregablin wd I think (not exactly sure).

Thank you Squeaky. This information helps me.
My god I hope I have never fallen to the ground and flopped around but I fear I have.
I'm afraid to look at the symptoms of epilepsy.
I have lost consciousness in so many public places and had the ambulance called on me from my blood sugar just dropping suddenly.
I'm so embarrassed. OMG!

ShroomySatori- you should listen to what Squeaky is saying my friend. We all care about you. We don't want to loose you.
It is time to get some help. Even if it is just calling your doctor on her emergency number. The one you are comfortable with.

We are all only human here. There should be no shame in having a problem. Everyone has got some kind of problem. Everyone!
It is much better to ask for help now. While you still understand what "hospital" means and how to get there. That is serious!
 
Hey painful one opiates can cause sugar cravings too I don't know if you know that but it might effect blood sugar levels.

I'm not listening to anyone but lil peep who died taking those xanax bars and used to take 20 a day. I'm laying in bed, wish I could put a bullet in my head I wouldn't be getting up that's for sure.

This is too serious of a decision for anyone else to make. I'm too fucked up at this point to even ask for help. I am sleepy too. Fuck it. I'd like to say I give more of a fuck, obviously I don't.

This medical system has put me through hell for a decade. If I went there it would be to strangle myself. As the fuck if they would help. You are in another country.

I understand very well. It's not looking good : (
 
I have tapered benzos at roughly 50% drop every 7 days with no problems except a day or two of insomnia each drop. 8mg/day to 4, then 2, then 1, then 1/2, then 1/4. Just remember it is mostly a game of percentages. Going from 12 bars to 10 wont kill you but going from 2 bars to zero will likely give you a seizure.
If you have a low supply, cut your dose in half right now. This will suck but its your best bet for NOT using up all your pills.
Also I had great luck with taking most or all of my dose before bedtime. Insomnia will cause psychosis in a normal person. You have to deal with the stress of real life during the day without the help of the pills, but you will have to do that eventually anyway. Set a consistent bedtime schedule. Use the pills to put you to sleep. Wake up early every day and take a hot shower. You will get used to the new routing soon enough. Then, cutting your dose becomes easy because it still helps you sleep, just not as well.
 
I have been having extreme issues. Life threatening and suicidal issues. Extreme spinal agony issues. Perpetutal tinnitus. The feeling of being insane, everything is a dream, seems distant and far away but also everything is amplified. My brain won't stop racing. I've got the essential oil diffuser going non stop. Only thing keeping me going and the bong rips. I get so depressed without them. A family member gave me money for weed today lol like cash haha! And like I'm def getting chron with it. People care about me. I don't want to go out like this. But I can't trust the hospital in this country. There is a girl from yoga who I just randomly sorta connected with (not in that way) and she is being very kind to me and said she would check up on me in the morning. That is very nice of her since I had to say I couldn't make it to yoga this week, it's going to take at least a week to recover from this more like 2 or 3. And I am not raising my dose much if at all depending on how it is working now.
I'm scared out of my wits though I could run out cold turkey from a 6 year 12 bar a day habit or whatever benzo I was always on kpins or valium for a while instead. I could not handle it I've seen that. It's terrifying. I'll take another sleepless night.
 
please get help, I don't know where are you from but even in my shitty eastern european country through some extensive research I found some professionals who understood me and tried to help me without judging or exposing my life to risks. the girl from the yoga class is nice for doing that, but she is not a trained in the medical field.

I've had a seizure that I remember before, and possibly a couple of other that I cannot remember. The way I know I had a seizure then was that I fell on the floor, woke up on the ground and when I touched my face my hands were having blood over them, I bit my lip while having the seizure so hard that I had a huge open wound.

if you feel the need to talk you can PM me anytime. I'm waiting to get into withdrawal too and expecting a lot of brain zaps but hopefully not seizure, tho I am not withdrawing from a benzo.
 
gotta turn myself in tomorrow so this will be my last post here for a few months unless I get let out early.

Keep your heads up. You can make it through it and your body will start to heal. memory will slowly come back as well.
 
gotta turn myself in tomorrow so this will be my last post here for a few months unless I get let out early.

Keep your heads up. You can make it through it and your body will start to heal. memory will slowly come back as well.

Mafioso- May supernatural peace be with you. Thank you for all the help, care, kindness, and guidance.
We love you!
 
please get help, I don't know where are you from but even in my shitty eastern european country through some extensive research I found some professionals who understood me and tried to help me without judging or exposing my life to risks. the girl from the yoga class is nice for doing that, but she is not a trained in the medical field.

I've had a seizure that I remember before, and possibly a couple of other that I cannot remember. The way I know I had a seizure then was that I fell on the floor, woke up on the ground and when I touched my face my hands were having blood over them, I bit my lip while having the seizure so hard that I had a huge open wound.

if you feel the need to talk you can PM me anytime. I'm waiting to get into withdrawal too and expecting a lot of brain zaps but hopefully not seizure, tho I am not withdrawing from a benzo.

I saw your other post but just did not have time to respond.
I just want you to know that you are not alone and we are happy to be here for you.

We are a recovering bunch but we will pull one another through!

Welcome!
❤️
 
It has been 10 days but the dose drop was so drastic and more recently so. I am in danger and I know it. I need to do something soon.

It is either the GP first for a klonopin script I think I can get early (they've wanted to switch me forever but my GP is away) - or the hospital psychiatrist.

I'd prefer to go to my medical clinic first. I am trying to survive the weekend so that I have a couple of weeks to think about what to do more long term (like, life priority #1 just not a drastic last minute decision).

I'm also so weakened at day 10 I'm concerned about leaving the house. I have a drive. But Im really worried. I think I should see my GP office to hold me over, and then come clean with her on my emergency appointment Monday and start getting professional help. I want the chance for that. I don't want to be forced into cold turkey its going to kill me.

I don't know what to do. I should definitely book an appointment with my doctor. They have all my information there and know me. I'm in rough shape they'll be able to tell but something tells me it won't work out. It could be a waste of time that I should be spending in the ER. I am extremely nervous about what to do.
 
No cold turkey Shroomy.

See your gp, get that klonopin rx. Then go from there. Take care of yourself, we care about you too. You can do this. And we're here to support you.

Hugs,
Ash.
 
I wish you the best in this difficult situation you face. You will be in my prayers. Hang tough my friend. We'll all be here for you, waiting for an update upon your return.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

gotta turn myself in tomorrow so this will be my last post here for a few months unless I get let out early.

Keep your heads up. You can make it through it and your body will start to heal. memory will slowly come back as well.
 
Best of luck to you morph.

We will all be here for you to see you through this. You can do it!!

Take care.

Here if you need anything,
'your friend,
Ash.

please get help, I don't know where are you from but even in my shitty eastern european country through some extensive research I found some professionals who understood me and tried to help me without judging or exposing my life to risks. the girl from the yoga class is nice for doing that, but she is not a trained in the medical field.

I've had a seizure that I remember before, and possibly a couple of other that I cannot remember. The way I know I had a seizure then was that I fell on the floor, woke up on the ground and when I touched my face my hands were having blood over them, I bit my lip while having the seizure so hard that I had a huge open wound.

if you feel the need to talk you can PM me anytime. I'm waiting to get into withdrawal too and expecting a lot of brain zaps but hopefully not seizure, tho I am not withdrawing from a benzo.
 
No cold turkey Shroomy.

See your gp, get that klonopin rx. Then go from there. Take care of yourself, we care about you too. You can do this. And we're here to support you.

Hugs,
Ash.

^ THIS^

I agree with Ash Shroomy!

No cold turkey at all!
Your GP will help you. You thinking that won't work is just your anxiety, paranoia speaking from this withdrawal!

You need to call their emergency number and get the first appointment on Monday and ask the doctor on call for a klonopin script to see you through until your appointment.

It will work. This last month, I had to show up at my doctors seven days early for a refill. He was not happy and bitched me out a little but he did not leave me without medication.

If I can do it, so can you! Swallow this- pride or whatever is keeping you from getting help NOW!
You should have went for help before this happened. You just didn't realize how bad this was going to be and how dangerous it is.
You can never leave this until last minute again. You must act while you still can.
You now understand that.

But we are telling you Shroom- it gets much worse. You have to go get some help!
 
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