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The Suicide Support Thread

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Captain - When you say gone, what do you mean? What does that look like?

Please stick around. You will be missed, and you cannot make a decision to come back.

Years ago, a friend said, "Hey Smoky, Why don't you stick around another year … and decide then?"
I took the advice, as hard as it was … and don't regret my decision. I was in hell, living in the gutter waiting to die. I know the feels :\

A year later I didn't want to die anymore. <3
 
Mabye you need to ask yourself Is stopping Suboxone really worth it if this is what it does to you? Some have the strength and support to get off and stay off a drug like Suboxone without relapse but many simply find they cannot for whatever the reason is for each individual. I'm sure you know this but maybe you should just get stable again, you don't have to tell yourself its for good but you obviously have a whole lot to work out still. Even taking it once daily in a low dose sublingually can greatly Improve your quality of life. Sorry I haven't logged on in over a month so I'm out of the loop did i read you were dying from an illness? If so What is it your dying from captain? I just notice you mention your tired of waiting to die so I assume your suffering from a life threatening illness. We all live with pain but life can still be a wonderful thing which we should all enjoy until our bodies break down and we die. Do you really want your whole life to be based around one event which is all you'll be remembered for?
 
The Doc. said:
Mabye you need to ask yourself Is stopping Suboxone really worth it if this is what it does to you? Some have the strength and support to get off and stay off a drug like Suboxone without relapse but many simply find they cannot for whatever the reason is for each individual. I'm sure you know this but maybe you should just get stable again, you don't have to tell yourself its for good but you obviously have a whole lot to work out still. Even taking it once daily in a low dose sublingually can greatly Improve your quality of life. Sorry I haven't logged on in over a month so I'm out of the loop did i read you were dying from an illness? If so What is it your dying from captain? I just notice you mention your tired of waiting to die so I assume your suffering from a life threatening illness. We all live with pain but life can still be a wonderful thing which we should all enjoy until our bodies break down and we die. Do you really want your whole life to be based around one event which is all you'll be remembered for?
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yes it is worth it

I won't have any semblance of a life if I go about shooting up every other hour, on the hour, no matter what small microgram dosage I was using

at that point it was more OCD like behavior; calming behavior

What I really neeed really badly is an alpha1 blocker, because I have PTSD and pre-PTSD existing high blood pressure

if I can block norepinephrine's effects on my heart, then I can avoid a lot of nightmares, anxiety, panic attacks,

and quite possibly I may then feel differently than I do

I can't just self-medicate my anxiety with benzodiazepines, unless I want to incur a tolerance/dependence

I hope to leave works of art behind me that are remembered moreso than a suicidal final act in life; and this is what has happened with many authors tragically

I'm very unhappy with my life, for so many different reasons

and as much as I have accepted death and want to let go of my current concerns, I cannot
 
plmar said:
I think I'm going to go outside and walk. I don't know where, I'm just going to walk in whatever direction without thinking, and hope I get hit by a car and hospitalized.

The worst thing about this is that I can't even cry, I feel cold and dead inside, emotionless and insensitive. At least if I had a serious physical problem, such as a disability or a crutch like an addiction, that would explain why I feel the way I do, but right now I cannot fathom where I have gone wrong in life to end up like this.

Or is it normal to feel like this? Is it normal to be stuck in a permanent 'low' and feel powerless to do anything every single fucking day? Please prove to me that it isn't.
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It is not "normal" but it is usually called depression and affects many people. How long youve been feeling like this? Have you sought treatment?
 
Today is rough. Day three and still no heroin. I have spent two years getting rooted but at the moment the lure of the freight train whistle is strong. I am so tempted to put back on my backpack and hop out of town, find oblivion on the road again. Damn gypsy feet itching. Funny, I relapsed only a few months ago and it already has a magnetic hold, drawn to that place of no pain I have found again in my trusty spike. It is as if my soul shatters in light. I yearn for shadows and darkness, the absence of light, for a fog to cover up this pain.
 
plmar said:
I think I'm going to go outside and walk. I don't know where, I'm just going to walk in whatever direction without thinking, and hope I get hit by a car and hospitalized.

The worst thing about this is that I can't even cry, I feel cold and dead inside, emotionless and insensitive. At least if I had a serious physical problem, such as a disability or a crutch like an addiction, that would explain why I feel the way I do, but right now I cannot fathom where I have gone wrong in life to end up like this.

Or is it normal to feel like this? Is it normal to be stuck in a permanent 'low' and feel powerless to do anything every single fucking day? Please prove to me that it isn't.
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plmar

it's normal; and you're not alone

I posted in WORDS about my psychological theory about suicidality/depression

and about hatred/love

and the extremes

just know YOU ARE AMAZING, YOU CAN MAKE IT PAST THIS

that's all I need to hear from someone I love sometimes

and my boyfriend always tells me

and you all do too

thank you all

I'm feeling great :)
 
Finally got right and you would think it would make me feel better. But, although the physical sickness is over, I am struggling emotionally. I don't want this anymore but I don't know how to endure without my oblivion.
 
I tried to commit suicide a week ago, i ingested 100+ antidepressants and alcohol.
After a couple of minutes i knew this would be a horrible way to go and i called 911.
They took me to the hospital where they tried to flush my stomach twice, but because of the tube i couldn't breath and started to throw up.
They made me drink like a liter of norrit to neutralise the meds.
When they let me alone for a minute i ripped of the infusions and stubled my way out of the ER, walked home in the cold, i was on the other side of town so it must have been many kilometers, some parts i ran.
At home i went straight to bed.
Not long after the doorbell rang and there was police.
They talked and talked, how my life was danger and i needed to go back to the hospital, i refused, but they said they were obligated to take me there by law, i had no choise.
Walked outside with them and that was the most shamefull moment of my life, 3 police cars and an ambulance, neighbors watching...
Back in the hospital i talked with a psychiatrist, she was actually very nice to me and explained that after a night of monitoring i was free to go home.
Appearantly i had a rhythm dissorder in my hart and a pulse of 150.
After a shitty night of no sleep and neausia i was released.

I hate the police for getting my back to the hospital, but am also thankfull for them. The same for the hospital staff.

Im now drinking to not think and enjoying the company of my sweet cat, she's the only living creature that is keeping me alive right now. Dont know that to, i think im going to actually do it again, im just waiting for the right moment.

sorry you guys but my life is misery and hell, i tried and tried for so long, its only getting worse. I dont think life is ment for me. This is no life, its torture.
 
njirem said:
I tried to commit suicide a week ago, i ingested 100+ antidepressants and alcohol.
After a couple of minutes i knew this would be a horrible way to go and i called 911.
They took me to the hospital where they tried to flush my stomach twice, but because of the tube i couldn't breath and started to throw up.
They made me drink like a liter of norrit to neutralise the meds.
When they let me alone for a minute i ripped of the infusions and stubled my way out of the ER, walked home in the cold, i was on the other side of town so it must have been many kilometers, some parts i ran.
At home i went straight to bed.
Not long after the doorbell rang and there was police.
They talked and talked, how my life was danger and i needed to go back to the hospital, i refused, but they said they were obligated to take me there by law, i had no choise.
Walked outside with them and that was the most shamefull moment of my life, 3 police cars and an ambulance, neighbors watching...
Back in the hospital i talked with a psychiatrist, she was actually very nice to me and explained that after a night of monitoring i was free to go home.
Appearantly i had a rhythm dissorder in my hart and a pulse of 150.
After a shitty night of no sleep and neausia i was released.

I hate the police for getting my back to the hospital, but am also thankfull for them. The same for the hospital staff.

Im now drinking to not think and enjoying the company of my sweet cat, she's the only living creature that is keeping me alive right now. Dont know that to, i think im going to actually do it again, im just waiting for the right moment.

sorry you guys but my life is misery and hell, i tried and tried for so long, its only getting worse. I dont think life is ment for me. This is no life, its torture.
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Hi Njirem,

From reading your recent experience, there must be a part of you, even if very very deep down that wants to live. You ingested alcohol and pills, and yet, after doing so you - made a decision to get help. Where did that come from?
Maybe use this event to stick around, and the fact you didn't die. I'm not you but perhaps there is a part of you that wants to live.
I lost my kitty the first time I went to the hospital, and the second time I came close… but because of her, I stuck around as painful as it was in a temporary condition I was in of wanting to die, and taking enough to overdose 3x's prior.
I'm so thankful for my kitty - if it wasn't for her I might not be here. I wasn't going to let another loved one die, and I love her, and me today.
You are worth it. Please rethink your last statement. It took me a very very very long time. Years of misery all through my 20's day after day where I thought there was no way out, but there is… It takes time…
Maybe give yourself the option. You are the only person you got and so is your kitty and she needs you..
We need you here too, you have been a very helpful insightful member on BL. I remember you from when I joined. Hang in there <3
Smoky :)
 
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