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The Suicide Support Thread

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I am in a lot of pain and suffering at the moment. But I know something in my life is worth waiting through all of this.
 
Hang tight, Captain. Your hope and faith have helped a lot of people hang on through rough times. I hope whatever is causing you such pain eases up soon.<3
 
i hope everyone has a good day i'm happy today which is weird but i like it i went to the town i was born in and lived in till i was 7 and it's always nice to go back
 
it's easier to figure out where you're going if you understand where you came from
 
800px-Santayana_on_history.jpg
 
ive done some really bad things which leads me to want to die but in general i love my life and even myself but when i think of the truly awful things i've done i can't help but feel i need to be punished for it in the worst way possible i'm no child molester or rapist but i'm the next worst thing i can't be specific sorry but i can't escape the thoughts of how sick i make myself the people i've harmed most didn't diverse it even if they left me no choice they still didn't diverse it idk it probably bothers me so much because i can't talk about it to someone to get it off my chest
 
Let it go and forgive yourself, mrflowers. Your past is just that, your past. Don't let it define who you are today and who you can be in the future.
 
i try not to dwell on what i've done but if i could explain to you what i was and still a part of me is you would think very lowly of me i'm no child molester or rapist but not far behind those scum of the earth i think it's why my bipolar episodes stick mostly to depression
 
mrflowers00 said:
ive done some really bad things which leads me to want to die but in general i love my life and even myself but when i think of the truly awful things i've done i can't help but feel i need to be punished for it in the worst way possible i'm no child molester or rapist but i'm the next worst thing i can't be specific sorry but i can't escape the thoughts of how sick i make myself the people i've harmed most didn't diverse it even if they left me no choice they still didn't diverse it idk it probably bothers me so much because i can't talk about it to someone to get it off my chest
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Assuming you're done with whatever it is that you did, why not PM me? I will keep it between us and I will understand.

Everything's going to be OK.
 
cap H i tried to PM you but your inbox is full let me know when you make some space friend
 
Two years ago, I got into an argument with my girlfriend because I had work and she wanted me to attend a party with her. I couldn't because of work, and I didn't want her to go with who she was going with. Her last words posted before she got in the car to leave the party were I'm so mad at him I'm going to get black out drunk or something like that. Something she didn't understand because she was to young or didn't care, Idk, was that I didn't want her to go with with this guy because he's the type of person to drive when even he knows he shouldn't and did and killed both of them by hitting a tree so hard the car bounced off the first tree into a second that split the car in half and ejected them both from it. Right around then my ex-girl friend from before that relationship informed me that the child she was pregnant with had died when she got sick. This is relevant because she had invested me in the child because it was mine and she was a few months a long. I had already felt pretty shitty when that first girl died, but IDK why it bothered me so much when the baby died... Anyway being the genius that I am I turned to the wrong things for help (opiates), and it helped numb me for a while but I need to come off the drugs and now I have to deal with my issues. I can't stop with the suicidal thoughts, but I could never hurt my family like that so I'm stuck, and I need some help coping. I have tons of anti-depressants or mood stabilizers that I should have been taking from the start, but I never liked using those to make me feel normal. It just seemed wrong, anyone have something helpful in this vein? I have a baby that is relying on me now, so I need to do something...
 
^ look into doing a self scheduled taper.

If that's not working after a few tries, I would look into a Suboxone doctor or methadone clinic.

Much love. Stay safe tonight everyone.
 
I don't know what to do. Things are bad. I've got no money, going from wds and am about to get kicked out of my house. I'm young but all the self destructiveness has seemed to of caught up with me and now I'm physically ill with bradycardia and possibly pneumonia.

I got some needles the other day. I have 10 days, if I can sort out things by then it makes me sad but ill have to use them. :( I hate this.
 
Raze said:
I don't know what to do. Things are bad. I've got no money, going from wds and am about to get kicked out of my house. I'm young but all the self destructiveness has seemed to of caught up with me and now I'm physically ill with bradycardia and possibly pneumonia.

I got some needles the other day. I have 10 days, if I can sort out things by then it makes me sad but ill have to use them. :( I hate this.
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Yeah but man, you could come through this and be mentally stronger for it all. And be so glad you did not throw the towel in, you said it yourself, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you.

Seek some professional help also, we all need it from time to time, be it due to a physical/financial/mental health reasons and so forth.
 
Hey guys.. Been lurking here for a few years. Posted a couple times but mostly just enjoy the community here and the amount of intelligent, well-informed people who are kind enough to offer their mind and time for the betterment of all of our collective lives, so let me briefly say, thank you. I'd list names, but I'd be afraid to leave someone out- but, I will say that Captain Heroin has been a standout to me in terms of knowledgeability and being approachable. I can say for certain that he has saved me from more health problems (stemming from my drug use, obviously) than I could probably imagine. I've been struggling much more than usual the past couple weeks. I've dealt with depression, anxiety, bipolar, and social phobia disorders for years now, but things have taken a few circumstantial turns for the worse recently. I've been a heroin addict for too long for my age (I'm 21, but picked up the needle at 16) and that doesn't even scratch the surface of the terrible decisions I've made with my life. I had recently moved back home with my parents and went back to school (I'm 2.5 years into a degree in Chemistry) after living in nyc and just absolutely collapsing upon myself, metaphorically speaking. Stealing, pawning, waking up with a needle hanging out of my arm and vomit on my shirt and lap, waking up in the hospital with narcan being pumped into me, I'm sure plenty of you have experienced these things. Anyways, I did a 45-day inpatient rehab, and things were going decently. I came home and all went to hell. I didn't immediately pick back up, but good god my parents and I don't get along. I was basically being treated like a criminal in my own home (which, to a large extent, was called for by some of my previous actions- although none had directly affected my family). I kept my head down and suppressed my frustration with the inability of my family to even make an effort to let me rebuild their trust. After 5 months clean, I still couldn't go in the house if no one else was home. A misunderstanding occurred (I had left a book at my friends place and had to pick it up as it had my homework assignment that was due inside) with me being late to school- my parents put me back on their cell plan in order to track my phone's location. My mom immediately called me asking why I wasn't at school, and I explained what I was doing and that I was merely running late, I even sent her a picture from inside the classroom once I arrived. She didn't believe me, of course, and asked that I submit to a drug test after class, and I obliged. Once I got home, my mother was not there but they had taken literally every possession I owned and locked them up in storage (my guitars, my laptop I use for school, even a goddamn VHS player that was in the back of my closet collecting dust) which really angered me. I shouldn't have suppressed all of my frustration and I know that. My avoidance of conflict leads to me keeping a lot of things inside until they build up unhealthily. But this was just the icing to the cake, since these are all things I bought myself, and since I had been doing so well for almost half a year to do everything they had asked of me. I just couldn't take being treated like a criminal in my own home anymore, and so I kind of exploded. This did not go over well, and long story short, I was kicked out of the house, even after I passed my drug test. I have no savings, and no job since they wanted me to just focus on school and make good grades, so I was not prepared to be on my own. I have been living out of my car for two weeks now. I'm in TN, and it is very hot and humid. I don't have enough money to run the a/c in my car, so I've basically just been sweating my ass off for two weeks straight. I bathe in Walmart restrooms, or at the truckstop showers if I can afford it. I've still been going to class, but my physical appearance is beginning to reflect the fact that I am living out of a vehicle. I have very poor self-esteem to begin with, which coupled with the social anxiety is making it very difficult to make myself attend class. I have started using again since I can't afford my suboxone script (or any of my other meds- valium, propranolol, remeron) and I am at my wit's end. I've been suicidal for a year or two now, even when things are going semi-decently, so it has obviously been very exacerbated by this situation. I tried to overdose last night by shooting a bun (usual tolly between 3-5 bags) I don't think I did enough, and ended up with the needle in the arm vomit in the lap hangover. I just don't see how my life can ever improve, I haven't felt genuinely happy in so fucking long. I havent been feeling much of anything anymore (apart from either being high or being sick), but i keep crying. Which is very odd for me, i havent really cried since i was very young, but out of nowhere i keep just bawling until i have no tears left (i never realized how thirsty crying can make you) My outlook on the future has always been overly bleak, but now I'm just so desperate and empty that not only do I not want to live, but I no longer see how my dying could have anything but a positive effect on those around me. That sounds ridiculous, I know, but I truly believe everyone would be better off. I've been nothing but a professional fuck up my whole life, and have had no redeeming qualities. I ruin fucking everything and everyone, and am a stain on my otherwise successful and upstanding family. Even now, writing this goddamned book of a post- all I can think of is how annoyed everyone here will probably be with such a long, rambling, pointless post. Music and hockey are the only things that have ever taken my mind off drugs, and they don't even come close anymore. I don't want to do anything too rash without at least trying SOMETHING, so I guess that's why I'm posting this. I have no one to talk to about all of this, and would probably be too anxious/embarrassed/self-conscious to bother them anyways. The best I could possibly hope for is that someone could perhaps learn from my mistakes, so that they may avoid shaming their families and destroying their lives. I used to have potential, i was fairly intelligent, and was actually a standout hockey player- but that was so long ago that it feels like it was a different lifetime (in a way, it was). I don't know what I'm getting at here, probably nothing. Maybe this post is an apt microcosm of my life, but that's probably wrong, too. I'm sorry for wasting thread space and the time of anyone reading this. I suppose I just needed to get all of this off my chest so I can at least feel like I made an attempt at feeling/connecting with something. I don't know, but I thank anyone who has made it through all of this bullshit.
 
Crazyeighths- I suggest going to a gym with a shower. for a mere $20 a month you can get all the exercise you need and all the showers you need. I used to... At least until you can afford your own place.
 
I appreciate the suggestion, but at the moment it is tough for me to even think about having to live another month this way, much less make a financial commitment to it. And while that is actually a very good idea, I also don't even have 20 dollars to my name right now. I'm trying to find work while I can still maintain my appearance and (somewhat) maintain as stable a mental state as I can muster. I feel like if I could find work that would at least give me hope, but like the little bitch that I am I just want to give up on everything
 
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