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The Suicide Support Thread

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Much <3 to everyone.

I had a really rough day. I was very unhappy with myself, I am a perpetual fuck up. I don't know how to stop fucking up.

But I think the day ended well (enough).
 
everyday i wake up i try to answer the question why didnt i just slit my wrists yesterday.
but somehow getting wasted makes me forget this for minute,..... and then i pass out
 
I can remember laying in the hospital just thinking about going home to blow my head off. Fortunately some friends helped me leaving the hospital and hung out with me after. Think they knew my intentions. The fact I here today 3 years later shows you can go from seriously bad intentions to being somewhat normal or better. Just give it time, even when the walls are closing in on you its not over.
 
My life is in my hands.
It won't be old-age or dying because of a terminal disease that will end me - It will be by my choice.
I have a plan, infact I've had it for years.

There will be a time when I'm older and not going anywhere - Likely 30+ years old.
And if I'm still "living" (what bullshit) in the situation that I am now then I'll unburden all those who.... Those who have to put up with me breathing precious Oxygen.

I've been thinking about suicide on and off throughout my diagnosis, but this past month it's been constant.
My brain telling me(Karl Pilkington aside) "What do you do to stop these for this shit to stop?

The only thing that keeps me alive is that I have wonderful friends and I don't want to hurt them at all. Especially a certain few.
Infact - All my friends I don't wish to hurt - It's the acquaintances who pass by at a party before me and I'm practically not in their world at all.
"Artistic Expression" has lost me again - Can't produce, can't write, can't do fuck all creative.
Which - really - makes me useless.

If anyone is thinking that I'm going to top myself, I'm not. I just wanted people who are wonderful human beings to realise it.
 
i way overdid it on my oxy and od'd which was very uncomfortable i wasn't scared though i though hey i might just die on accident which i'm not sure why that way out makes me feel any less of a dick for doing that to my family
 
A few times I thought I over did it on oxy mix with benzos. Got the late night terrors and felt like my heart about to burst or stop. After that started happening I realized that I had a huge problem and started tapering off to subs. Saw alot of young people die from that combo and don't want to go out like that. They weren't kidding it takes a long time to get off that shit.
 
To everyone struggling with suicidality:

I never thought I'd have a reason to live, let alone a good one that redefined what "true happiness" was to myself. Then that day came, and now I'm frankly quite scared to die prematurely.

You all just have to wait for that thing to come along in life. Don't even question if/when it's coming, just know that it is, and please hold on for dear life until you find it.

<3
 
i have everything i "need" in my life there are things i want but acquiring things i want wont make my life so much better that i wouldn't want to die and the things i needed but now have didn't make me want to live anymore than i already did which wasn't much i don't want kids but maybe i need them and that would make life worth living idk but i won't be finding that out at least not in the foreseeable future
 
Captain.Heroin said:
To everyone struggling with suicidality:

I never thought I'd have a reason to live, let alone a good one that redefined what "true happiness" was to myself. Then that day came, and now I'm frankly quite scared to die prematurely.

You all just have to wait for that thing to come along in life. Don't even question if/when it's coming, just know that it is, and please hold on for dear life until you find it.

<3
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Yeah, but does waiting for it really bring it to you? I've done enough waiting for a hundred life times. Head in the clouds, dreaming and getting fucked up. Promising myself that I'll do what needs to be done 'tomorrow'. Now, I'm knocking drugs on the head and am beginning to realize just how fucked up I have made things for myself. My social life is dead. My job is awfully tedious and a dead-end. My qualifications aren't good enough for University. I am a complete douche with nothing to be proud of.

Maybe I'm on the right path, with getting sober. But what comes with it is this horrendous sadness that I can't seem to shake. Regret, guilt, and anger are strangling my will to live. I'm sure this is just a phase, but the black dog has recently been relentless.

Simply enough, I guess I just hate myself. No self-respect.
 
^maybe reading some Buddhist philosophy would speak to you where you are. I found that at my lowest, a book called "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron met me right where I was--drowning in self-recrimination and a sense of failure. The great thing was that it showed me both the path to acceptance and the path to change were the same. Compassion for yourself is difficult, it feels self-indulgent at first, even egotistical or enabling--but it is actually the opposite. Compassion for yourself becomes compassion for everyone else struggling along in this life. <3
 
i like to think my parents care for me, but i know theyd be alot happier if i just jumped off a bridge, they wanted to see me but they cant drive 5 mins, just aqnother excuse
 
i wish i wanted something in life to give me a goal to strive for but i don't want anything i like cooking so i'm gonna go to school to be a chef but even that sounds lame to me nothing other than drugs is interesting to me at this point in my life i should really just use one of my hunting knives to cut an artery
 
mrflowers00 said:
i wish i wanted something in life to give me a goal to strive for but i don't want anything
Click to expand...
I know this feeling...I think one way to find something you really want is to sit down alone and think for half an hour about your ideal future and what you need to do to get to that.

mrflowers00 said:
nothing other than drugs is interesting to me at this point in my life
Click to expand...
I also know this feeling very well...It's the only thing that occupies my daily thoughts.

mrflowers00 said:
i should really just use one of my hunting knives to cut an artery
Click to expand...
It hurts me to see you say that, even if I don't know you. I know things are rough right now...and they may be for awhile. but sober up and surround yourself with the people that love and care about you.


My brothers friend & lyricist once sang "create your heaven now so you know it's real" in a song of his...he told my brother that by that quote he meant; instead of constantly wondering "is there really a blissful life after death?" and living with fear of being judged by a higher power, surround yourself by the things you enjoy most. Make your heaven right here in this life so you have no doubts. I try to live by this quote. It really helps me.
 
My time is up, thanks for all of the support over the years you guys have been amazing.
 
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