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The Suicide Support Thread

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This is my first post but I wanted to let Crazyeights know that I read your post and it touched me so much that I felt the need to break out of my lurkdom to respond. I feel that you were not given a chance by your family - even though that is neither here nor there, it just sounds like you needed more understanding and well, love from them. Had they gone through any therapy for this or joined Alanon? You are in charge of your own recovery, but damn, everyone needs support. Anyway,I have no great words of wisdom. I just wanted to let you know that I've taken your story to heart and I truly truly hope you can turn this thing around.
 
i've very happy going on week two this is completely unheard of for me and my wds have been very minor i hope i can keep this up
 
Minnie- Thank you for reaching out and for your kind words of support. It truly means more than you would ever probably imagine. My parents are great, and very successful people. They just have no experience whatsoever with this sort of thing apart from their issues with me. When I was in rehab they went to a few of the 'family information sessions'. That actually improved their perspective a little bit, but alas, 'twas merely a honeymoon stage of temporary enlightenment. I think they really do think they are doing what they can to help (tough love, I suppose) I've tried talking them to let them know how I felt and to suggest some more constructive approaches that they could maybe take to make my recovery progress in a more smooth and conflict-free manner, to no avail (obviously). But, honestly everyone of us has to take the hand we were dealt at birth and run with it. Some people are luckier than others, or are born into a better environment, but bullshit can blindside anyone- any place, anytime. All any of us can do is work on our ability to cope and keep our chins up when the bullshit starts flying our way. I'm now 2 days removed from my attempt to end my life, and I have to admit I'm not really feeling any better than I was. I'm currently scrambling for change and whatnot to try and get a pack of smokes. I'm just taking things five minutes at a time, and am keeping my mind occupied by trying to focus on ways I can improve myself, you know, maybe find a way to make some use of myself. In the meantime I'm just trying to stay positive and keep my mind off of taking that trip.
 
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Crazy eights I read you post. I can't imagine living in my car in NYC during the summer, I know what it's like there. Is there not a shelter somewhere where you could shower up at?
 
Bass face, I am actually living in Jackson, Tennessee now (between Memphis and Nashville on I-40; shitty, gossipy, small [and unfortunately my home-] town). I was in New York until May. So far I've been able to fully bathe at least every two days, but with the amount I'm sweating that's probably the equivalent of a week for a home-dweller (should I be working on coming up with a derogatory term for people with homes to celebrate my newfound homelessness? I.e. muggles in HP?). I have a good amount of clothes, as well. My opana dealer has a shed-like building with a/c behind her house that she has offered me, but that just seems like a terrible move for my sobriety. Also, I need to be saving any money I can earn, and being within shouting distance of a dealer seems like a recipe for staying exactly where I currently am.
 
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Oh I'm very familiar w/ the heat right now (I'm in Memphis) and it concerns me greatly for you. We've had good luck with the temps overall this summer, but this week has been 90-100s. What are you doing for water?
Does your family know you're sleeping out of the car? They are probably worried sick. Do you think they'd be open for some kind of negotiation?
 
Memphis, you say? TN represent! (Hey-O!) The rehab I mentioned going to in my first post is located there (La Paloma).
I bought a case of bottled water when I first left home. By no means are they cold, or refreshing after being in the heat of the car- but, hydration is hydration. I've actually found a few useful tips (and even a couple comprehensive 'guides') to help me around the world of vehicle-dwelling homelessness. And, honestly, it's not all that bad. I'm trying to keep as good of an attitude as I possibly can, and I think it works in my favor that I have always had a relatively dry sense of humor, anyways.
I have had very little contact with my family since leaving, and I am sure (or would at least like to think) that they are worried. But, when you're a heroin addict, I think your family sadly gets used to being worried about you. They seem to be pretty grounded in their approach. I am, however, 21 years old, as I mentioned. I suppose it was high time I became self-sufficient anyways. I would love to smoothe things over and have peaceful relations with my family, but right now I'm focusing on improving myself. Once that's done, then I can mend my life back together (hopefully). I'm going job-hunting today, and have printed off copies of my résumé at the public library here.
Last night was tough for me, mentally. It was the worst night of sleep I've gotten thus far. The positions I've had to sleep in (I'm 6'1" and my car is an Altima) have made my lower back terribly sore, which is causing me to awaken frequently to change positions.
All in all, things are slowly starting to not look as bleak. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts again last night, but I think a lot of that at this point is just me getting lonely. It's easier to forget/ignore during the day when I'm surrounded by (albeit not interacting with) people, as opposed to night-time when it feels like the gravity of the situation inevitably sets in.
 
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Hey crazy eights,

I know what it feels like to be living out of your car. Because I was discriminated against sereptitiously, I ended up leaving to go live in my car for 3 weeks. Can you believe that during that time period I even ended up locking my keys inside my car.

When I was doing this, it was very hot in Los Angeles. It was summer time, 2011. The life I was living at the time resembled dying more so than living. I was without even a bed to sleep on for a while after I moved into my apartment at the time.

Even though sleeping on the carpet was unpleasant, it wasn't nearly as unpleasant as sleeping in my car in the parking lot of a popular restaurant. I was unable to even get a long enough period of rest due to how uncomfortable that was.

Assuming you are still living out of your car, keep in mind public buildings are great for locating air conditioning and a free glass of water. There's also a great service for anyone who can't afford food or basic essentials - food stamps and general relief. I strongly suggest you do this first.

I can't type for long - for I am on a time crunch - but always feel free to PM me whenever you'd like. I'll always be around.
 
I was going to suggest the library too. It's always cool in the library! Looks like you're getting some good things going. And you're so young. . . time is on your side! You write very well and express your thoughts clearly and intelligently. You'll have something worked out in no time. But, I'm keeping an eye on you. Us southerners gotta stick together. Ya hear?
 
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How hot is it down there now? We had one bad heatwave this summer that lasted 7 days, all over 100. The heat can really mess with you mentally, specially if your dealing with rehab issues or wd's. The cool weather is coming and things going turn around for you. Library is a good idea. Always cool in there and chill vibes.
 
We had some rain today which was good for the lawn/ plants- but didn't cool anything down. Just steamed it up and bumped up our 20000% humidity. Still it's not been the kind of summer where shut ins are dying in the ghetto or babies being left in the daycare van. So, in Memphis terms- it's been a good summer.
 
i'm finding it hard to be in this almost month of happiness it's so strange i spend 90% of my time depressed and 60% of the time suicidal i'm enjoying it but it's so strange to me that it feel akward
 
Fuck I never thought I would see you as the last poster in here Brother.... I didn't know you were feeling like this.... why didn't you reach out to me? Maybe we can overcome our major depression with suicidal tendencies, and maybe even some of our substance abuse issues. Mr.Flowers [Imagine I just said your first name but I'm respectful and not a dumbass and wouldn't ever do that to you or anyone], you are not alone. You are not far away from me, and tonight, you are in my heart, and in my prayers. I came in here tonight looking for any reason to put the gun down, and just seeing your post accomplished that. I can't kill myself now knowing that my friend [yes, as you should know, we are friends...] is feeling the way he is. That combined with talking briefly with my older brother, was enough for me to unload the barrel. Tonight is not the night. It's not my time yet. I haven't achieved my goals.
 
tricomb said:
I came in here tonight looking for any reason to put the gun down, and just seeing your post accomplished that. I can't kill myself now knowing that my friend [yes, as you should know, we are friends...] is feeling the way he is. That combined with talking briefly with my older brother, was enough for me to unload the barrel. Tonight is not the night. It's not my time yet. I haven't achieved my goals.
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Tricomb <3 <3 So many people here care about you. I don't know you well, but I do know I'd miss you if you were not here. I'm happy you made the decision to not to through with your plan- that's what matters.
 
mrflowers00 said:
i'm finding it hard to be in this almost month of happiness it's so strange i spend 90% of my time depressed and 60% of the time suicidal i'm enjoying it but it's so strange to me that it feel akward
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hi mrflowers, I think I gte a similar feeling when emerging from a period of deep depression, it's like a light flickering on and off for me.

Feelings of anything approaching happiness seem out of place and unfamiliar and I can find it quite disturbing and disorientating.

It seems to settle down after a while and I'm once again able to have some comprehension of how I'm feeling, the suicidal thoughts can become almost habitual as they are present almost all the time when I'm really ill.

Great to see you are getting some relief from being so low, hopefully the improvement will continue.

My thoughts of suicide have largely left me for the time being, how close I've ever been to going through with it I just don't know but I find the fact that its on my mind very upsetting.
 
It is very likely I'll be finding my way out of this lifetime within a year or two. I am no longer even slightly negatively emotionally affected by this info. The reasons are few and trivial (Plan A failed and I have decided to give up).

Please don't try to talk me out of this. I'll be around for as long as I can. Finally I am no longer crying my eyes out nor am I philosophically thinking about the value of continuing on. I'm not surrounded by family or friends. I don't have a greater purpose to fulfill (and there is no reason for me to find one).

If we already talk in real life off of BL you can ask me why or whatever. I just don't need my personal story on the boards at this time. There will be a time and a place for that.
 
cap H don't think you don't have a purpose you help so many people and i very much value our friendship
and try thank you when we get the chance we should hangout in person get to know each other on a real way you've always been there for me and i'd like to feel i've always been there for you too
 
Thanks Mr. Flowers. We will meet one day. I will be around at the very minimum another year.

I appreciate anyone who posts here or PM'd me. Much ❤

If I don't reply immediately please forgive me. I am very busy
 
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