Hey guys.. Been lurking here for a few years. Posted a couple times but mostly just enjoy the community here and the amount of intelligent, well-informed people who are kind enough to offer their mind and time for the betterment of all of our collective lives, so let me briefly say, thank you. I'd list names, but I'd be afraid to leave someone out- but, I will say that Captain Heroin has been a standout to me in terms of knowledgeability and being approachable. I can say for certain that he has saved me from more health problems (stemming from my drug use, obviously) than I could probably imagine. I've been struggling much more than usual the past couple weeks. I've dealt with depression, anxiety, bipolar, and social phobia disorders for years now, but things have taken a few circumstantial turns for the worse recently. I've been a heroin addict for too long for my age (I'm 21, but picked up the needle at 16) and that doesn't even scratch the surface of the terrible decisions I've made with my life. I had recently moved back home with my parents and went back to school (I'm 2.5 years into a degree in Chemistry) after living in nyc and just absolutely collapsing upon myself, metaphorically speaking. Stealing, pawning, waking up with a needle hanging out of my arm and vomit on my shirt and lap, waking up in the hospital with narcan being pumped into me, I'm sure plenty of you have experienced these things. Anyways, I did a 45-day inpatient rehab, and things were going decently. I came home and all went to hell. I didn't immediately pick back up, but good god my parents and I don't get along. I was basically being treated like a criminal in my own home (which, to a large extent, was called for by some of my previous actions- although none had directly affected my family). I kept my head down and suppressed my frustration with the inability of my family to even make an effort to let me rebuild their trust. After 5 months clean, I still couldn't go in the house if no one else was home. A misunderstanding occurred (I had left a book at my friends place and had to pick it up as it had my homework assignment that was due inside) with me being late to school- my parents put me back on their cell plan in order to track my phone's location. My mom immediately called me asking why I wasn't at school, and I explained what I was doing and that I was merely running late, I even sent her a picture from inside the classroom once I arrived. She didn't believe me, of course, and asked that I submit to a drug test after class, and I obliged. Once I got home, my mother was not there but they had taken literally every possession I owned and locked them up in storage (my guitars, my laptop I use for school, even a goddamn VHS player that was in the back of my closet collecting dust) which really angered me. I shouldn't have suppressed all of my frustration and I know that. My avoidance of conflict leads to me keeping a lot of things inside until they build up unhealthily. But this was just the icing to the cake, since these are all things I bought myself, and since I had been doing so well for almost half a year to do everything they had asked of me. I just couldn't take being treated like a criminal in my own home anymore, and so I kind of exploded. This did not go over well, and long story short, I was kicked out of the house, even after I passed my drug test. I have no savings, and no job since they wanted me to just focus on school and make good grades, so I was not prepared to be on my own. I have been living out of my car for two weeks now. I'm in TN, and it is very hot and humid. I don't have enough money to run the a/c in my car, so I've basically just been sweating my ass off for two weeks straight. I bathe in Walmart restrooms, or at the truckstop showers if I can afford it. I've still been going to class, but my physical appearance is beginning to reflect the fact that I am living out of a vehicle. I have very poor self-esteem to begin with, which coupled with the social anxiety is making it very difficult to make myself attend class. I have started using again since I can't afford my suboxone script (or any of my other meds- valium, propranolol, remeron) and I am at my wit's end. I've been suicidal for a year or two now, even when things are going semi-decently, so it has obviously been very exacerbated by this situation. I tried to overdose last night by shooting a bun (usual tolly between 3-5 bags) I don't think I did enough, and ended up with the needle in the arm vomit in the lap hangover. I just don't see how my life can ever improve, I haven't felt genuinely happy in so fucking long. I havent been feeling much of anything anymore (apart from either being high or being sick), but i keep crying. Which is very odd for me, i havent really cried since i was very young, but out of nowhere i keep just bawling until i have no tears left (i never realized how thirsty crying can make you) My outlook on the future has always been overly bleak, but now I'm just so desperate and empty that not only do I not want to live, but I no longer see how my dying could have anything but a positive effect on those around me. That sounds ridiculous, I know, but I truly believe everyone would be better off. I've been nothing but a professional fuck up my whole life, and have had no redeeming qualities. I ruin fucking everything and everyone, and am a stain on my otherwise successful and upstanding family. Even now, writing this goddamned book of a post- all I can think of is how annoyed everyone here will probably be with such a long, rambling, pointless post. Music and hockey are the only things that have ever taken my mind off drugs, and they don't even come close anymore. I don't want to do anything too rash without at least trying SOMETHING, so I guess that's why I'm posting this. I have no one to talk to about all of this, and would probably be too anxious/embarrassed/self-conscious to bother them anyways. The best I could possibly hope for is that someone could perhaps learn from my mistakes, so that they may avoid shaming their families and destroying their lives. I used to have potential, i was fairly intelligent, and was actually a standout hockey player- but that was so long ago that it feels like it was a different lifetime (in a way, it was). I don't know what I'm getting at here, probably nothing. Maybe this post is an apt microcosm of my life, but that's probably wrong, too. I'm sorry for wasting thread space and the time of anyone reading this. I suppose I just needed to get all of this off my chest so I can at least feel like I made an attempt at feeling/connecting with something. I don't know, but I thank anyone who has made it through all of this bullshit.