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The Suicide support thread

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Now I'm afraid he'll tell family about the rape & my drug use. I'm so fucking pissed at myself.
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It seems that would be highly unlikely considering he very nearly raped you in the circumstance you mentioned. 'Nearly raped' is an exaggeration I'll admit, but he did wrong and I'm sure he knows it. If he has any intelligence within him, he'll forsee you telling your family about him forcing himself upon you if he spills the beans. If he was that wasted he likely wont remember.


What the fuck do I do? I'm such a damn fuck up who doesn't deserve to live.
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You and everyone else deserves to live; you're being far too harsh on yourself. You made a mistake. Thats OK. Perfectly acceptable. Do you think you can learn from this mistake, however?

You've already made a very wise choice in coming here for advice - there are many others who I'm sure are in a much better mental state than myself to offer you wisdom on what to do so I'm sure someone will in short enough course.

The best I can offer, at least for now, is to distance yourself from that particular person for awhile...I know you're likely going to do that anyway and nothing I can say right now can possibly help - it'd all be a mass of cliches anyway...but I just want to offer you my love and best wishes. I'm sorry I cant help more...or enough...or at all...but I just thought I'd write something rather than nothing; just to let you know someones read what you wrote and that they're wishing you well.

This fucking life is so relentlessly rough...
 
Thanks Endless <3

I feel so horribly alone.

I basically told him my life story and then he nearly raped me -- forcing himself on me to kiss me, he wouldn't leave when I asked him to, he kept asking me to "go downstairs" with him...was I sexually assaulted? What happened to me? I don't think the reality of it has really sunken in yet...but I know it wasn't fucking right.

This is why I fucking hate alcohol. I just hate everything. My life, myself, I wish I could just run away and never look back. I feel like I've lived for a millions years. I just want to be happy, I want to want to live...but I don't. I shouldn't.
 
You should report the fucker he could have raped you, he forced himself on you and in my eyes that is just as bad.
 
i'm so sick and anxious i wish i would stop taking all my opioids for the month in less than a week but i have no self control i'm freakin out man
 
Have you thought about an in-patient psych hospital? They'll control your meds for you and everything. You might have to go through a little bit of a wd until they can get your proper dosage to you, but they can help...
 
i'm doing a lot better now i did some subutex and from no on i'm going to give my medicine to my dad to dull out to me as he sees fit so that i don't have to get ill everytime i use my pain meds same thing with my xanax
 
mrflowers00 said:
i'm doing a lot better now i did some subutex and from no on i'm going to give my medicine to my dad to dull out to me as he sees fit so that i don't have to get ill everytime i use my pain meds same thing with my xanax
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That's a great idea Mr. Flowers. :)

I'm really glad to hear you found some Subutex, I'm sure you feel way better. Even if you still don't feel 100%, it helps so much to have buprenorphine when you run out of full agonist opiates and are facing withdrawal.
 
I don't know how much more of this shit I can take. The pain management clinic I was supposed to go to called to cancel my appointment because of my psychiatric history. I just want to swallow the bottle of seroquel I have and go to sleep. I really don't know how much longer I can hold out.
 
Got kicked out of where I was currently living, my drinking fucked up a friendship i had with my roomate(his house kinda).So after getting shitfaced drunk among other things, i made a complete ass of my self. this wasn't the first time either.. roomate was fed up with my shit, and the other night he gave me 'the talk', that i cant stay here anymore,and my last drunk was the last straw. my roomate wanted me gone today, but i convinced him if i could stay the night(i'm glad because i worked morning shift and was drained). i have all my cloths and shit packed. dont know what else there is i can do? my life hasn't been going anywhere here lately. cant get the thought out of my head that there is 1 way i can stop all my pain and suffering,which is why i'm posting here. if i can convince myself to do almost anything, then i can convince myself to commit suicide.
parents are out of the picture for now, same with my siblings and other parts of my family. i'm the 'outcast' because i got into drugs at a young age (13),so after 3 failed rehab attempts (now 15) keep losing my parents trust, and by the time i turned 18 my life was over with my family.
i feel so alone, scared, sad.. i know i have friends here on bluelight, and i know they support me, wish it were that way with my loved ones, if they only knew that i'm trying my damnist to do good, but keep getting fucked up. alcohol this time.
i feel as my life has already ended wayback when i took that first pill/puff/sip.
i want to end this shit, like a dog at an animal shelter about to be put down, my last flap of my tail on the table while they in%ect me with poison. i was only a dog, i'm only a man, bymyself now, irl friends/master has said their goodbyes and pat me on the head, maybe some miracle will happen, or maybe not.
really scared now, . it can all go away, i dont want to suffer anymore. :(
 
D's, you can repair anything if you get clean. I know that you have tried before--but the three rehabs were probably forced on you by your family. Are you willing to try again? Death may look peaceful and I'm sure the brief nano-second of transition is--after that, who knows what it is? No one ever comes back to tell us and every idea on earth is simply conjecture.

I am really sorry to hear that your family has completely given up on you. I am wondering whether they would support you in other ways if you were actually in rehab or another program trying to get clean. I can hear the exhaustion and desperation in your voice but please don't give your life up when you could tackle the substance use and take it from there. What happened most recently with your roommate is sad but maybe also the exact experience you needed to tell you that using just isn't going to work for you in any situation--with family or friends or even housemates.

I am so sorry that your life is so painful right now. I have total faith in you, as i do in every one else on this board. I have seen lives in shambles, that look irreparable, turn around and open up in ways that seemed near impossible. Now is probably a time that is going to test you like no other. Maybe it is that mythical bottom that AA/NA talks about. I hope it is. I hope that this suffering can begin to lift but I know the first step has got to be quitting drugs and I include alcohol as a drug. Please hang in there, bud.<3
 
thanks herbavore, its rough right now in my life, and reading your post gave me some confidence. I hate being put on the spot like i was with my room mate, gave the the chills because i know i dont have anywhere else to go. my mind starts racing about where am i going to live, i dont know alot of people in the little town i live in.
i've checked out craigslist, and afew other sites. lot of them want more then my paycheck up front, and I wouldn't be able to do that.
there is some hope tho.. this girl i know since like 1st grade has invited me to stay at her place and crash on her couch. shes a good friend, doesnt drink or drug(i dont think).
also talking with ocean earlier in tc really cheered me up quite abit and gave me some sites to check out (foodstamps,housing,etc.)
i havnt drank anything today, i did take my shitty anxiety medice nerountin. it helps, a little. nothing like benzos tho, better then nothing.
i cant see into the future,so tommrow is when the fun fucking starts.atleast its payday, sucks i gotta work when i get my check so wont be 'done' with everything until after 10ish, then ????????.
hopefully things will work out, and nothing bad will happen to me. i have to keep telling myself that it will be okay.
thanks again man<3
 
If you're going to stay with someone while you get your shit together, just be prepared to respect their house and rules. If you aren't sure what they would be comfortable with, ask first before acting. :)

Avoid alcohol all together for a long, long time. That's the other good piece of advice I wanted to give you.

You should definitely look into food stamps as well. If you are earning a certain amount with a job I don't think you would qualify, but it never hurts to look into it.
 
honestly i fucked up i went to my friends party while me and my bf were broken up but we got back together and i didn't tell him and he just found out and now he wants nothing to do with me. i love him so much and don't want to ever be without him and i don't think hell ever be able to forgive me for this one cos id been kinda shady when we were together. i just want to die so badly but I'm such a fucking little bitch and can't do it i just want to feel better or numb the pain but i don't know how and I've tried cutting but it just dosnt do it for me
 
It sounds like you are full of regret so just try to be gentle with yourself. Listen to what you have learned. You made some mistakes and that is the only way to see what you don't want to do in the future. Apologize but don't hang your will to live and grow on whether or not this person wants to continue a relationship. I know it feels awful right now but the most important thing is just to feel it, take the lesson you need from it, forgive yourself and move on.<3
 
i attempted suicide a week ago. feel mentally drained and still pretty suicidal. i hope i don't end up in hospital
 
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