• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

The Suicide support thread

Status
Not open for further replies.
ive been so self destructive latlely, all i realy feel like doing is giving up, hopefully now that im back on my meds ill start to feel a little better
 
Got so many reasons not to carry on anymore.

It's all too much and things will never change.
I tried jumping off a bridge last night but could barely manage to get both feet over the rails.

This is definitely it. I'm going v soon.
It just hurts to think about my family.

I've lost all my self respect. Any money I get goes on cocaine and heroin. It'll never end.
To top it I lied to a good friend lately and I can't live with myself for essentially scamming a lifelong friend.

Just need to tie up a couple things and I'm off.
 
may I suggest watching the sunset with some headphones? I just fucked over a friend last night. It fuckin sucks and I am so disappointed with myself. don't end it people. PLUR.
 
i feel so good right now i'm damned near manic idk wtf is up with me but i'm loving it hope everyone lives another day it would make me a sad panda if any of you died
 
i've attempted twice, and i've been thinking about it a lot again lately. i don't think i actually want to do it, but its like a sick obsessive thought. i don't like this world. barely want to be here. feels like all i ever do is make enemies. i tried being a part of it for years and years. the last couple though i have just given up. i feel like even if i do try, i won't actually be happy. feels like a pointless effort. feels like every good thing thats ever happened in my life has eventually come to an end. seems like everyone either pities me or resents me or gives up on me. oh well.
 
suicidal depressed psychotic in agony and sick of it all my life just seems to be one cruel joke at times.
 
remember that the deep depression that you have to feel to want to kill yourself is a temporary feeling that WILL PASS it may take a while but things do get better i just spent over a month in agony and since last night i've been in the best mood i can remember being in in years
 
it isn't the depression Im worried about it is the psychosis, which unfortunately doesn't just go away or stop :S
 
i'm having a hard time. all of my relationships are empty, seemingly falling apart even though i know there are people who care and do love me. but they have an idea of what my life ideally "should" be like according to rigid social standards of normalcy, happiness, whatever you want to call it (hopefully someone can relate to that). i'm really drowning in my drug use, even when i abstain; i mean this in the sense that my apparent objective, in doing drugs, is to drown out the person i really am, so that i can maybe pretend to be someone i really like for a few hours, maybe even a few days if money permits. then when i'm sober, i can barely deal with who i am. i just replied to a thread about things i love about myself and it was so laborious thinking of a few things i like, let alone love, about myself. i think i focus way too much on the outside so i don't have to face the enormous devastation inside of me. a lot of times i think about buying too much dope and doing it all in one shot, intentionally. i'm trying to keep these thoughts at bay and i'd appreciate anyone's well wishes.

i've done way too much heroin in the past three days and it makes me sad that i put myself into situations that are totally risky to get it. sometimes, times like right now, i wonder if i really matter to myself. the fact that i'm so concerned about it reminds me that i do, somewhere deep down, matter to myself, but often i feel like other people care about me more than i even care about myself, i.e. i just don't give a shit about my well-being sometimes. maybe back to therapy or off to NA is where i need to be. it's not so much the drugs that bother me, it's the issues that compel me to use drugs. i can look totally normal on the outside, which is something i'm becoming increasingly obsessed with, but that's not gonna fix the fact that i'm a 23 year old college graduate, professional drug addict who is intent on killing herself by 30. i need to do something to change and i don't know what.

good luck everyone <3
 
Querida Cabrona, you have every right to do whatever it takes to feel free to define your life. Maybe you could move? Maybe see a bit less of family members that consciously or unconsciously put that kind of pressure on you? For me, moving away from everything familiar was pivotal in allowing me to slowly learn who I was, who I wanted to become and to see that there was actually a place for that person in the world. My relationship with my family improved a lot after that as an added bonus.

You are very right to focus on what compels you to use drugs, rather than just the drug use itself, but maybe going to meetings again will help clear your mind so that you can. For many people talk therapy just doesn't do it so maybe look for practicioners that do more active forms of therapy like mindfulness or CBT?

Learning compassion for yourself is tricky because sometimes we confuse it with rationalizing or excusing self destructive behavior. Compassion demands two things: honesty and forgiveness. Remember that what you are up against is the internalization of a pretty big and powerful machine that manufactures self-loathing on an ongoing basis--if you never feel adequate you will keep consuming something and we all know that's what makes the western world go round!8( Learning to fight back against it is a lifelong process but one which gets easier and easier with practice.

Transform your despair and fatalism into some healthy anger. Try to think back to the freedom you felt inside as a very young girl. You have lots of choices in life. Sometimes, after making a choice that leads in the wrong direction it gets hard not to focus on self blame but that's a dead end. Here's a website by a guy that wrote a book called Buddha's Brain:The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom. I find it a helpful read.<3
 
thenightwatch said:
seems like everyone either pities me or resents me or gives up on me. oh well.
Click to expand...

Yeah, me 2.. Except there is no pity, just resentment and giving up.. People have no problem just walking away, with out a second thought.. Maybe its just the people I've experienced, who knows..
 
i got in a car wreak car was totaled and i'm all fucked up in a ton of pain i just wanna put a bullet in my brain so the pain will end
 
@night.. Yeah, that sounds about right for me 2.. Probably why I have no friends..

@flowers.. I was also in a wreck about 2 weeks ago.. No where near as bad as urs but I none the less..I tried committing suicide that night, but alas fail.. I was sore for a good week and a half after the wreck.. Still not sure what I hit either.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top