Thanks. I feel alot of jealousy I think. I wonder if anyone else born into my situation would've made something better of it, I really don't think so though, I think many would have killed themselves before they even hit puberty, I was going to but I was too cowardly.
No matter what I do, I am permanently damaged from the abuse I suffered as a child from my parents, it was sooo many years ago, and it shouldn't still affect me, I try to pretend that it doesn't, but it does, I can never recover from what they did to me. I've done everything, I've lived in denial, blocking things out, I've had therapy and spewed my guts out, I've tried to re-experience everything in my head over and over to desensitize myself. Nothing works. I guess I have to go on pretending. I'm angry at them for doing this to me, but more so I am angry at myself for being unable to deal with it. Whatever it doesn't matter what or who I am angry at because anger is not an acceptable emotion, anger makes me like them and that is not allowed. I am jelous of other peoples parents, other peoples lives, everything they had that they didn't deserve any more than I did. I don't want to be this angry, jelous, horrible monster inside of me, I want to be who I know I really am, who I should have been, so I try to kill it away, but it's always there, tucked away, hiding, waiting.. No-one knows it's there, no-one's ever seen it, if I told my friends this is how I feel, I don't think they would believe me. They would laugh and say I've never seen you angry, they don't know that they have never seen me not angry.