The Suicide support thread

[panic in paradise]

codemada


Frustrations like those bringing on these feelings I personally can trace to myself wanting an event to happen where there is finally no consequence, a craving to let off steam for once and for all, mostly because I don't how to properly release what has been built up.

Sound simplistic and idealistic
It is because otherwise I could literally drive myself nuts exclaiming and explaining my frustrations, some prety fawKN serious ones but you know how that goes...Rather then allowing accepting and responding in a way to eventually be beyond those issues.

 

[JasNod]

I can relate to a lot of you guys. I replay trivial things that don't matter in my head too, and think about what I could've done differently. I can't seem to give up these thoughts about how meaningless things are because you can't really share thoughts or experiences and everyone's going to die one day. I get panic attacks from random things, like trying to figure out how things exist the way they do. Like how everything seems to revolve around certain principals like math. I try to figure out why things exist, and why they exist in this way. I don't know, it's hard to explain. I've been sad for a long time , and I can't seem to enjoy the things I used to anymore. The only thing that seems to make me happy is drugs, particularly opiates/opioids. Whenever I think about just taking too much or something, I always remember my dad crying at my great grandmas funeral and my mom crying. I'm really good at pretending to be ok .

 

[panic in paradise]

I can relate to a lot of you guys. I replay trivial things that don't matter in my head too, and think about what I could've done differently. I can't seem to give up these thoughts about how meaningless things are because you can't really share thoughts or experiences and everyone's going to die one day. I get panic attacks from random things, like trying to figure out how things exist the way they do. Like how everything seems to revolve around certain principals like math. I try to figure out why things exist, and why they exist in this way. I don't know, it's hard to explain. I've been sad for a long time , and I can't seem to enjoy the things I used to anymore. The only thing that seems to make me happy is drugs, particularly opiates/opioids. Whenever I think about just taking too much or something, I always remember my dad crying at my great grandmas funeral and my mom crying. I'm really good at pretending to be ok .

Sounds like you understand a lot, but aren't sure at this time how to best make sense of it all. There is a lot to learn all the time anywhere, and it is there to be shared. Although, it takes time to learn how to best share and arrange (to say the least) thoughts and experiences from the past, to eventually help create a better present.

Have you tried seeing a counselor or cognitive therapy?

You seem very intelligent and caring
Please do be safe.

 

[JasNod]

Sounds like you understand a lot, but aren't sure at this time how to best make sense of it all. There is a lot to learn all the time anywhere, and it is there to be shared. Although, it takes time to learn how to best share and arrange (to say the least) thoughts and experiences from the past, to eventually help create a better present.

Have you tried seeing a counselor or cognitive therapy?

You seem very intelligent and caring
Please do be safe.

Thanks, it's appreciated. I've tried but it was a lot of money for nothing. I really don't want to be on any SSRIs or anything either. I found the only thing that significantly helps me a few years ago, when I broke my back, Opiates/opioids. As bad as that is I'm happy about it, obviously it's not doing what it used to, but that relief is nice. So I'm in a pretty good place now compared to where I was. I have far less panic attacks. It hasn't helped with much else in a while, but it does bring down my anxiety in general. I get this feeling inside me all the time that makes me move around, it's like this uncomfortable energy feeling that gets a lot worse when I lay down to sleep. Is this what restless leg syndrome feels like to everyone? It's more intense during withdrawals, but I had it before opiate use. I thouht RLS wasn't a big deal, but this was driving me insane. When I'm on opiates it's much more mild, or of I've had enough, not there at all. Sorry I'm new to venting it's nice. Thanks again.

 

[panic in paradise]

You might might be accustomed to being sedated from the pills, and your just not sure of how to readjust to relaxing on its own,
opiates make going into REM sleep cycle very difficult or impossible.

heheh

Dont worry about going insane ;-) that will do it if anything. Do you exercise much during the day ?
Yoga helps me stretch and relax more then anythingthat and writing,
and I'm far more loyal to myself then any dealer or dr. chould be.

 

[JasNod]

I'm sure it's worse when I don't have them than it was before I ever took them, but it's SOO much better with them. When I was in the hospital and they gave me that morphine, it was such a relief. All I'm really supposed to do is pushups, ride my bike, run, walk, etc. I do everything. but run, pretty often.

 

[countessvonfbang]

Malingering? Or beginning a waltz with death?

By typing even just these words I feel as if I am malingering. Although I lack bonds with people (or places, or pets...) I would define as close and travel through multiple time zones constantly, my life externally is enviable. An outside individual would label me as jet set, most people would gasp at the amount I receive in one month's paycheck, I am always very carefully dressed in clothing that is in season in the fashion world and my hair and makeup is as flawless as I can manage. I spend at least two hours in the gym daily unless my travel schedule for work is practically impossible. Yet I find I sleep becoming consistently illusive despite the Ambien I am prescribed to counteract the effects changing time zones has on my circadian rhythms. Once I reach two or three nights without sleep, the world around me begins to feel as if it is surreal, if real at all. An overwhelming loneliness and helplessness settles over me and I find myself fantasizing about ending my life. During these suicidal sleepless deliriums, my thought process (as I most recently typed in my journal) is that if I were to bring my life to an end 1) not one person in the world would miss me and 2) a vacancy in my position at work would give someone with a reason to live a life they could appreciate far more than I. I am afraid and unsure what to do. Advice???

 

[herbavore]

The life you are leading is unsustainable. I think that a courageous new life change is what I would try; one that would take you completely out of your comfort zone. If you have financial success, could you use that to literally drop out of this life that is potentially killing you (no exaggeration) and try to create one that is potentially more meaningful? I live near Silicon Valley and my town is full of people that made enough money early in their lives to be able to just step outside the box they trained for and decide what they really wanted to do when they grew up.

Suicide is a drastic decision and I know that sometimes it can feel like a very necessary relief simply to think it. Still, I know from a previous post that you are intelligent, hardworking, probably creative and resourceful. I feel like you need to work as hard as you did to pursue this career to determine a different direction. PM me any time if you want to talk.

P.S. I am a mom that lost a son this year. I can tell you that your parents would be two people that would mourn you forever not to mention siblings and grandparents.

 

[countessvonfbang]

My deepest condolences to your family and loved one you loss. I imagine experiencing your child cross the invisible the boundary of life before you is a trauma beyond description. Your response made me cry for the first time in years because I honestly do not think my parents would care as you do. You also reminded me, in your gentle way, that I really have no right to take my own life... That to maintain a life of health and balance so I can serve others should be my focus. Thank you for the vote of confidence, it means the world.

 

[mrflowers00]

i hate being addicted to my medication cause my tolerance got high and now i run out early every month and every time i run out i feel like killing myself is the better option

 

[herbavore]

^That is a horrible situation. Are you talking about anti-anxiety medication or pain medication?

 

[Vaya]

i hate being addicted to my medication cause my tolerance got high and now i run out early every month and every time i run out i feel like killing myself is the better option

mrflowers00, in all that I've ever read by you on Bluelight, I'm always left with the feeling that I should, at least once, encourage you to step back from behind your eyes and look at this situation re: mrflowers vs. meds (xanax and oxycodone, IIRC). Both highly addictive. Both cuse physical tolerance. Both have a profound cumulative negative impact on mood and sleep quality.

Please be specific. Why exactly are you prescribed these medications? What would you feel inside if someone like me were to suggest considering (just, considering) tapering to a smaller dosage or re-evaluating why you're on the medications in the first place? A big, noisy part of me gets the sensation that in the end your perception of your existence would be clarified if it were not for this dependence, and reliance, upon narcotic and sedative medications.

I used to cherish mine, believe me. I'm not passing judgment. But, as someone who looks back on themselves in that state and literally *shudders* with discomfort... I respectfully suggest you give some thought to it!!

Be well

~ Vaya

 

[Captain.Heroin]

i hate being addicted to my medication cause my tolerance got high and now i run out early every month and every time i run out i feel like killing myself is the better option

Tell your doctor this!

You don't have to say it makes you suicidal but just talk about how horrible it feels.

The doctor is there to help you.



Another alternative: let your family help you dose your medications. You won't run out early. If you do, you won't have as many days without any medicine.

 

[gmanyo]

So this is semi-off-topic, but does saying "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" really help? Back when I was considering suicide this sounded very appealing to me.

 

[herbavore]

Another alternative: let your family help you dose your medications. You won't run out early. If you do, you won't have as many days without any medicine.

That is a good idea, CH.

also, gmanyo I think that is always worth remembering that and I am actually glad to hear that it helped you and appreciate that you came back in here to post it!

 

[paranoid android]

For the first time in ages i have been thinking about suicide. It has seriously crossed my mind as of late because i have been totally miserable and depressed as fuck. I don't know if it's just my bipolar being a cunt or the rather depressing circumstances around me. I have not been this depressed in years much less have seriously thought about blowing my brains out. I no longer have a shrink and it's not much odds cause the useless bitch just wrote out scripts for me and that's that. Even when i said i felt like killing myself she just stared at me with her dead cow eyes and said "well i think we will make a appointment for you to come back in a month or so and here's your script". The fat fucking useless lazy whore I'm glad to be rid of the uncaring bitch. One less person to piss me off.

I have been shooting alot of hydromorphone lately in a effort to help make me feel better but as we all know that does not work well. Plus it sets off self loathing because i was going to swear off the needle. Now my goal is to just get off the needle before i move which hopefully won't be far off. This place is literally killing me and i don't think i could last another year here. I'm pretty sure another winter here would kill me so with any luck at all i will be gone in early summer.

I am actually scared because i haven't been as miserable as this in ages and the thoughts of suicide worry me. My mind turns to the gun, the rope or a fatal OD. But i can't do that and i won't do that because i have a g/f that loves me and it would break her heart if i died much less by my own hand. I couldn't do that to her . Thankfully just talking to her really cheers me up and she is the only bright spot in my entire life right now.

I guess this is more of a rant then anything else but i thought id put it here because i really am at a loss. Everyday i wake up i just think of how i am going to get through the day without going nut's

 

[gmanyo]

also, gmanyo I think that is always worth remembering that and I am actually glad to hear that it helped you and appreciate that you came back in here to post it!

No, I meant I was like "Yeah, I know, that's why I want to kill myself." Like "permanent solution" sounded great to me.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ I can understand that mentality. But the point is that if the problem is only temporary....why attempt to "fix" it with such a permanent outcome. I'm sure you get what it means though. Do you still feel suicidal sometimes gmanyo?

I am actually scared because i haven't been as miserable as this in ages and the thoughts of suicide worry me. My mind turns to the gun, the rope or a fatal OD. But i can't do that and i won't do that because i have a g/f that loves me and it would break her heart if i died much less by my own hand. I couldn't do that to her . Thankfully just talking to her really cheers me up and she is the only bright spot in my entire life right now.

PA, please hold on to these thoughts of your beautiful gf when you're feeling desperate. She needs you man, you cannot leave her. When you're feeling depressed and suicidal, do whatever it takes to remind yourself of the reasons why you need to stay alive. I'm so sorry you're struggling so much at the moment, but please remember that this will pass, just like it has done in the past. Please hang in there mate

 

[Captain.Heroin]

PA, you can always PM me.



IMO, if it isn't going to make you more unstable, taper off the IV hydromorphone, possibly switching to a safer ROA.

I realize that opiates are never going to brighten your mood forever, thus they are not a good choice for recurring depression.

 

[DeathDomokun]

I'm just getting really sick of everything.
I'm so sick of dangling between all these conflicting emotions.
Everything would be easier if I truly cared, or was completely apathetic.
If I had a goal, something to strive for, or no desires for the future at all.
My head is a fucking mess, and it has been for years, and I just don't know how much longer I want to put up with it.
It just doesn't seem worth it, but that's the thing, I'll plummet into this absolutely horrible mood and have a real desire to kill myself, then I'll deal with living and get through my consciousness, only to wake up feeling shit without the drive to kill myself, without the drive to live, without any drive to do anything.
I've got no constants in my life, yet it seems so incessantly perpetual and I just turn to any other means to distract myself from this suffering and fuck.
It's just bullshit, you know. That's all, it's just fucking bullshit and I'm sick of it.