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The Suicide support thread

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Libby you are a beautiful person with so much to offer. I am not trying too minimize how you feel, or any of the circumstances in this life that may make you feel that way; rather I just want to affirm that you are you, that the world is richer for having you be you. Much love to you.<3
 
Thanks. I feel alot of jealousy I think. I wonder if anyone else born into my situation would've made something better of it, I really don't think so though, I think many would have killed themselves before they even hit puberty, I was going to but I was too cowardly.

No matter what I do, I am permanently damaged from the abuse I suffered as a child from my parents, it was sooo many years ago, and it shouldn't still affect me, I try to pretend that it doesn't, but it does, I can never recover from what they did to me. I've done everything, I've lived in denial, blocking things out, I've had therapy and spewed my guts out, I've tried to re-experience everything in my head over and over to desensitize myself. Nothing works. I guess I have to go on pretending. I'm angry at them for doing this to me, but more so I am angry at myself for being unable to deal with it. Whatever it doesn't matter what or who I am angry at because anger is not an acceptable emotion, anger makes me like them and that is not allowed. I am jelous of other peoples parents, other peoples lives, everything they had that they didn't deserve any more than I did. I don't want to be this angry, jelous, horrible monster inside of me, I want to be who I know I really am, who I should have been, so I try to kill it away, but it's always there, tucked away, hiding, waiting.. No-one knows it's there, no-one's ever seen it, if I told my friends this is how I feel, I don't think they would believe me. They would laugh and say I've never seen you angry, they don't know that they have never seen me not angry.
 
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I miss my brother. He's like the only person who understands, I havn't seen him in years, he can't look at me because I remind him things he doesn't want to remember, and he hates that I am a prostitute, and he doesn't approve of me doing any drugs, and I'm sure if he knew Im in a relationship with a convicted murderer that wouldn't go down well either. He is always upset with me, he's the only family I have I just want him to love me.
 
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And before anyone says anything, I know that murder sounds real bad, but its complicated. It's not like he's some psychopath, he was really young and he was a drug dealer and got into a pretty heavy situation, and things just escalated quickly, and he made a mistake, maybe other people cant understand that, but he explained it to me, and I understand, and it doesnt matter to me.
 
Libby said:
Thanks. I feel alot of jealousy I think. I wonder if anyone else born into my situation would've made something better of it, I really don't think so though, I think many would have killed themselves before they even hit puberty, I was going to but I was too cowardly.

No matter what I do, I am permanently damaged from the abuse I suffered as a child from my parents, it was sooo many years ago, and it shouldn't still affect me, I try to pretend that it doesn't, but it does, I can never recover from what they did to me. I've done everything, I've lived in denial, blocking things out, I've had therapy and spewed my guts out, I've tried to re-experience everything in my head over and over to desensitize myself. Nothing works. I guess I have to go on pretending. I'm angry at them for doing this to me, but more so I am angry at myself for being unable to deal with it. Whatever it doesn't matter what or who I am angry at because anger is not an acceptable emotion, anger makes me like them and that is not allowed. I am jelous of other peoples parents, other peoples lives, everything they had that they didn't deserve any more than I did. I don't want to be this angry, jelous, horrible monster inside of me, I want to be who I know I really am, who I should have been, so I try to kill it away, but it's always there, tucked away, hiding, waiting.. No-one knows it's there, no-one's ever seen it, if I told my friends this is how I feel, I don't think they would believe me. They would laugh and say I've never seen you angry, they don't know that they have never seen me not angry.
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Have you never really accepted that anger inside you as part of you? Imho anger is an acceptable and essential emotion. I've run around for years and years hiding my anger, pretending to love everything and everyone and getting angry helped me a whole lot in finding myself. Maybe I'm misinterpreting what you are saying, excuse me if that is the case. It's just that the anger won't disappear if you don't acknowledge it, it needs to be let out, appreciated and lived. People might disagree, you might disagree, it's just my personal experience.

And regarding the murder... Most of us probably had the desire to murder somebody out of rage, disappointment, hurt. If there weren't any legal boundaries a lot more of us would probably murder another. To me it's a legit desire, but the act cannot be tolerated in a society. Therefore, being banned from society is a logical consequence, but I feel for people who cannot control their desires. I personallly never felt like we create our desires, but that we are instead more a victim to them, a guard responsible to keep them at bay and release them in a healthy way.

I am not suggesting you should let yourself get consumed by your rage, but maybe telling another to STOP would help, another who is pissing you off, hurting or using you. Maybe punching somebody in the face in a martial arts scenario would help. I really have no idea, since I haven't been through the emotional inferno you have experienced. All I'm saying is that releasing anger can be a great catalyst for change. I'll quote network here: "But first, you've gotta get mad! [...] You've got to say, 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!'"

Anger can separate the good from the bad, it can serve as an orientation help in identifying those people who are there for you and those who are not. Denying my anger left me clueless, stumbling through the world believing in the good and the love of every stranger, opening myself to everyone's visciousness. The exploitative leeches who feed on my naivety and good will had to be banished and this did not happen for me until I got really fucking MAD. It allowed me to open my arms again towards those who really love and support me. I'm ranting, the balls inside my head have started to roll once again, but nonetheless I hope you can benefit a little from my views on anger.

<3
 
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^Hey crOOk, I thought it was amazing, too. I got it from someone else here on TDS (great people here!). I think you are very right about anger. Girls, especially are taught to completely deny it, but our culture doesn't really allow anyone to express it well. Denying any emotion is a recipe for disaster. Understanding our thoughts and emotions and learning how to have them without being controlled by them is key. Hope you will continue to post in TDS.<3
 
I have no problem telling people to stop doing something if I dont like it, it's not like that. The anger I feel is at my parents, I think If I hunted them down and abused them back now that they are old and weak and I am the strong one I would be cured lol, but I can't do that because I don't want to be like them. Someone who abuses someone weaker.
 
:(
My emotions have been up and down really rapidly lately.
Today the smallest problem lead me to start cutting again.
It's been like 3 years. I know it's wrong in every way but the relief I got is indescribable.. :(
 
awww, trip, I hate to hear that. I used to cut many years ago and I still don't totally understand it but I do know one thing--it represents pain and a need for relief and release. I know you usually paint and draw but do you do sculpture, too? I am wondering if you got some clay and just started playing with it if that would help. I used to teach art in a prison and when I brought clay in it was pretty amazing--we just all felt like it was so therapeutic. It's a shot in the dark but you might try it if you feel the urge again. One of the worst things about cutting is that you feel good during and then shit after. I'm sorry, man. PM me if you think it would help to talk.<3
 
trip <3<3 you have such a kind positivity to your persona on here. I am sorry to hear you are having a rough time. You are an amazing person and I hope your ill feelings pass soon.

So much love to you dood <3<3<3<3
 
herbavore said:
^Hey crOOk, I thought it was amazing, too. I got it from someone else here on TDS (great people here!). I think you are very right about anger. Girls, especially are taught to completely deny it, but our culture doesn't really allow anyone to express it well. Denying any emotion is a recipe for disaster. Understanding our thoughts and emotions and learning how to have them without being controlled by them is key. Hope you will continue to post in TDS.<3
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Being here always makes me warm and fuzzy. ;) If i bother to visit the forums, I always click on TDS first. The warmth people show one another here is just amazing, I've never found any place like it. Not in teh internets and not outside of it either.

Libby said:
I have no problem telling people to stop doing something if I dont like it, it's not like that. The anger I feel is at my parents, I think If I hunted them down and abused them back now that they are old and weak and I am the strong one I would be cured lol, but I can't do that because I don't want to be like them. Someone who abuses someone weaker.
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I see, that surely is a different issue and I unfortunately couldn't tell you much about it. I surely wouldn't recommend releasing your anger on your parents... Denying yourself the right to feeling that anger wouldn't be right either. Seems like a dilemma, maybe you can find people who've been in similar spots and who understand you better than I can. Not that I wouldn't be willing to help though... Coming here to present yourself with all your troubles, as grim as they might seem, was a good step though and if there's any playce to find comfort in understanding and maybe even more practical help it's this one.
Just out of curiosity: Have you ever tried approaching this subject when with your parents? Confronting them with it? Have they ever expressed any form of guilt or regret towards you? I've been hit by my dad a few times during childhood (unjustifiedly so) and if the subject ever pops up he tries to approach it in a humorous way which tends to make me really angry. He knows that and I know he has regrets. I've managed to accept that. This does in no way compare to the hell you've been through, to the magnitude of abuse that you've been exposed to, but maybe, just maybe it's not too late to understand what was going on and find some form of closure? I am aware that this issue can probably neither be fixed nor healed or forgotten, so pardon me if I seem to lack appreciation for the gravity of the situation. It's just my natural reaction to look for ways to repair things when I see them broken. <3
 
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My suicidal thoughts seem to be back with a vengance and it is driving me crazy, I got my monthly pain meds the other day and the urge to take the lot was so overwhelming I had to get my partner to put them on top of the kitchen cupboard where I cannot get to them. also along with me wanting to be dead, my urges to self harm have also started constantly planting themselves in my brain.

I do not know how long i can keep on battling with this on top of the physical pain i am in 24/7 because it really is exhausting me and I am at my wits end.
 
I love 3D media. now I want modelling clay to play with to try and distract myself from the crappy place my mind is lol
 
Love going out to those who are struggling tonight. It's another dark night of non-existence here and it's both comforting and depressing to know there's others out there going through the same thing. I hope things are better soon, for all of us.
 
I totally understand the non-existance thing, due to my physical condition I am bed bound a lot so a lot of the time, the wormy suicidal thoughts persuade me that as my life is just a painful existance and not a life full of meaning like it used to be, I find it even harder to banish the obsessive suicidal thoughts. And you are also right that it is kind of comforting to know that we aren't alone in feeling this way, but it also makes me feel sickened and saddened that there are so many of us that feel this way.

I hope that you feel better soon sheffsam, bl always helps me feel a little better
 
Doomed2pain said:
And you are also right that it is kind of comforting to know that we aren't alone in feeling this way, but it also makes me feel sickened and saddened that there are so many of us that feel this way.
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Yeah, that captured what I meant perfectly.

My non-existence is wilfully self imposed, I've become intensely reclusive lately. I can't imagine dealing with what you have to, that's something you should be fully proud of.

And yes, I share the thing of BL making me feel better. Even though I post fairly infrequently, there's some wise people here whose posts leave me logging off thinking about things in a different way, or at least working on it. Hopefully that will apply tonight, as I should really go seek some escape in sleep. Hope you feel better soon too. :)
 
I return to this thread, with worse prostatitis, and divorce proceedings that look like ill have to pay for it all.

A common thing that everyone does to get over a relationship that went wrong, or even a marriage is go out and have sex and enjoy the single life, but the prostatitis is my barrier as i have lost my libido and i no longer enjoy sex.

I dont even like going out of the house anymore unless im walking my dog, i enjoy that.
I am just really feeling down atm, i feel so sad everyday if i had a gun i would honestly blow my head off. Im not happy anymore and i dont think ill ever be happy again, im not sure. life is getting worse and worse.

Im only 20 lol

... im so lonely . I think the ket is eroding my insides too, i had surgery down there when i was younger, i should never have done K in the first place.. but i cant resist its anti-Depressant effects. i was only doing it weekly, odd time id do it a few times or more in a week though..
 
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