The Suicide support thread

[Vaya]

well only little thing like shut up (in a friendly way) or, well i'm french so some theres like some expression i cant translate but i'll do my best, like i'm at my friendz house everything is alright and then one of my frined come in and put the light on so i told im to turn it off but he said no and i became so fucking mad at him and this for like 2 dayz !! or just like been waked up by a telephone ringing and i'm like in a "Fuck The World" Mood for the rest of the day and i dont even know why, im just like angry but like sad at the same time for no reason. on the other hand some day i feel like a million buck and this for no reason, nothing can put me down. thats fucked up

Hmmm... I think I know what you're saying. And basically, these little things are pretty much causing you to "fly off the handle" (meaning completely lose control of yourself) it seems like. Have you had this problem for a long time, or is this some confusing, sudden occurrence?

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been ignored three times by a psychologist. Obviously, the psychologist(s) you've been trying aren't for you if they can't return a simple phone call! I'd suggest looking elsewhere; for most areas (no matter where you live), there are comprehensive listings of psychologists and psychiatrists that you can search for by location, what insurance they take, etc.

Have you talked with your friends about this? What do they notice about your behavior? When I'm really struggling psychologically, getting some kind of perspective - almost any other perspective aside from my own - helps me to identify some of the triggers and situations that cause me to feel a certain way. Perhaps this could be of help to you?

Keep in touch,

~ vaya

 

[Vaya]

i want to die my doctor is taking me off my xanax and maybe even my oxycodone i'm so screwed

mrflowers, you have obviously been going through some shit lately. It comes across quite clearly in your words. I can relate to your anxiety at being taken off of Xanax; over the years, I have been on a myriad of anxiolytic medications (predominately benzodiazepines), and each time I try to wean off, I become terrified. I live in the "what-ifs," instead of in the present moment.

It's so, so incredibly easy to become dependent upon these mind-altering substances (oxycodone included!!). Now, if you need that pain medication for a chronic pain management issue, that's something else and obviously that needs to be addressed with a proper doctor. It's unethical to ignore someone in chronic pain and deny them access to medicine that provides relief from physical pain. But getting off the Xanax isn't as scary as you'd think. Once a few weeks pass, the feeling of relentless fidgety-ness subsides; the world becomes brighter. At the very least, that's how it worked for me. The simple feeling of knowing that I was no longer dependent on a medication that causes long-term changes in behavior and cognition was, in and of itself, one of the greatest joys I could have asked for.

One thing I like to remind myself of each day I struggle with something like this - and it may sound simple or silly, but it's solid truth - and that is, that while it may not be alright at this time, you will be alright. Access to Xanax and Oxycodone should not be determinants of whether you choose to live or to die, my friend!

Tell me why your doctor has decided to take you off of these medications?

Stay with us

i just don't want to hurt anyone if it wasn't for that i 'd be out of here in a flash .
Fukin waste of space ............

brimz, what's up? I've thought of myself as a worthless P.O.S. before... and there's usually a specific cause for me feeling that way. What's going on in your life right now?

~ vaya

 

[Captain.Heroin]

yeah they don't want me to do it but i don't care once they die

We care about you man.

 

[slackhands]

I've never planned to commit suicide a such, but a few times acted very recklessly (like driving with my eyes shut...) and walking across a busy road only looking one way, mixing drugs a few times, but I don't understand why anyone would plan to take their own life- I just can't comprehend that psyche at all.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I've never planned to commit suicide a such, but a few times acted very recklessly (like driving with my eyes shut...) and walking across a busy road only looking one way, mixing drugs a few times, but I don't understand why anyone would plan to take their own life- I just can't comprehend that psyche at all.

I have PTSD and grew endlessly tired of having flashbacks, panic attacks, hypervigilence reactions to small things, etc. I have learned to be able to control all of these things with time though, but I can understand why people contemplate it. I have had friends who have faced impossible situations and are still alive to this day.

 

[brimz]

i want to die my doctor is taking me off my xanax and maybe even my oxycodone i'm so screwed

i can relate to this .

I was dropped of a Methadone & Valium and Nitrazepam script it was the hardest time i think i have ever had to endure .
But I Did
Because i had been giving dirty screens they stopped my script despite the fact i had been on these meds for 7/8 years at the time .
I managed to scarape money every day so i could buy heroin to substitute the methadone n my then partner got a Valium script and let me have them .

I'm in the U.K so i don't know what the procedure is in the States but i can say that i did survive that period of my life , it was hard and required a me havin to do some underhand things but the way i was cut of my meds was underhand.

I hope you can work something out

brimz, what's up? I've thought of myself as a worthless P.O.S. before... and there's usually a specific cause for me feeling that way. What's going on in your life right now?

~ vaya

Hi

This goes a bit deeper than just that .
I have mental health problems as well as a nearly 25 year drug habit 16/7 of those on Opiates mainly Heroin & also prescribed benzos.

It is not uncommon for me to have very dark thoughts & when i was in my early 20s to act out on these . I haven't acted out like i did back then for a number of years ( i'm in my mid 30s now ) .
When i am in a bad place with my mental health i often find myself procrastinating about suicide it's a bit like a security blanket, this might sound really odd but in a way it keeps my alive I'll explain - when things get bad and i start to live in my head so to speak one of the only things that i feel i have total control over is my mortality this empowers me It goes a bit like this "well at least I could always kill myself .

Over the past 16/7 years i have achieved very little except get money to spend on Drugs . I have not worked ( i get disability from the govt. )
Obviously this has done very little for my self esteem .

I maybe exaggerating a bit here i have actually done quite a bit of travelling within Europe but i often end up in a different place looking & always finding the same things ( Heroin & Crack ) n all that goes with habitual use , Death , Degradation , Despair , . Ypu may wonder why i have not included Depression ? Well the reason for this is that Opiates are the only Drugs that can lift my mood .

If i were able to get a legal supply of Diamorphine Hydrochloride as around 2000 of the 300,000 of the Heroin addicts we have in the U.K receive i believieve i could start to integrate myself back in to society and function as a normal member of it.

For now i will continue to carry my suicidal tendencies with me and trust that they keep me alive as they keep me alive .

 

[herbavore]

Brimz, I know exactly what you mean about the suicidal thoughts being almost comforting. It is one of the only things any of us can truly control--I think that is why it feels good to "own" that thought.

I think it is bordering on criminal that they took you off everything like they did. Is there absolutely no recourse? It would seem that a psychiatrist that understood harm reduction would be of help but are you completely locked out of the system now or can you keep looking?

I think that as far as what you have done with your life goes that you are going to have to take both your mental health issues and addiction into consideration. Surviving, for some, takes more strength and courage than many people who are deemed successful in society will ever have to come up with. You have survived and remained a decent and caring human being under the worst conditions. I am not trying to say that you should have no other goals or that you shouldn't try to change anything but, please, please, please give yourself credit for what you have achieved. What really matters in this life is how we treat ourselves and others. It sounds trite but if people did get their self esteem from that and not how successful they were we would have a vastly different world.

I hope that you can make progress with getting back on the meds you need. I am sorry that you have to suffer this way.

 

[Vaya]

Very clearly stated, brimz - Thanks for the reply, I'm glad that I better understand where you're coming from now. And in that vein...

For now i will continue to carry my suicidal tendencies with me and trust that they keep me alive as they keep me alive .

...by all means, continue what you've found works best for you (as long as you don't actually take your life that is!). I just hope you still view this forum as a potential outlet, and I would never want to convey the message that I thought you ought to just keep these thoughts to yourself. Sharing is cathartic, whether or not by sharing you are seeking the advice of others. So please stick around!!

 

[AngelHeadedHipster]

If there were a magical combination of words that could embed hope in all people suicide would not occur. Unfortunately there isn't and in my times of hopelessness I feel just that, a lack of hope. Like I said, theres no way to convince a person not to follow through with suicidal thoughts. There are, however, an infinite amount of word combinations, an infinite amount of scenarios and endless occurances that may or may not have a dramatic enough impact on an individual to completely change their mindset and instill hope. In my times of feeling suicidal or even just a little down, this is something I try to remember. If you try for an extended amount of time to pick yourself up and fail you become overwhelmed with the idea that nothing will change. When someone commits suicide it isn't the first time they've been in a bad place. They've been there before, even if it wasn't as severe, and at some point it did get better. No matter how miserable your life is at the moment or as been overall, there have been times of pure happiness. People who come from the most horrific circumstances find joy and some time or another. When hope is lost and things are at their worst it can be impossible to remember the feelings of happiness you once had. If I had the opportunity to talk to someone ready to end their life I wouldn't ask them to remember these feelings, I would ask them to remember the mere fact that these times of joy existed. Even if one's current pain far exceeds any singly moment of joy in their life, they should remember this: If you've just had the best day of your life you think- it cannot get better than this. But we don't have one best day in our life. We have a great day and one day in the future that day is outdone in a way that proves that there is no limit to how happy you can be. Subsequently there is no limit to how sad or upset you can be. Generally speeking, happiness is not chosen but it is not entirely pre-determined either. People often choose to believe one or the other, but as far as I'm concerned it's a combination of the two. You may not be able to just "choose" to feel better but you can allow things to get worse than they need to be. As I said earlier, I don't believe that this post in this thread or any presentation of any idea can single handedly change a person's attitude, but with an endless amount of ideas from an endless amount of individuals comes the fact that something is out there that will redirect towards the conquering of your hopelessness. It may take longer then you feel you can handle, but understanding that there must inevitable be a way out. There is no problem that cannot be dealt with in some way that will result in survival and rebuilding. I know that what I have just written will not mean to other people the same thing it means to me based on my experiences in life and overall mental compisition. I just want to offer the idea that by the laws of nature, there is a solution to everything. If you no longer have any desire to find the solution it is understandable but realzing this in itself can, I hope provide enough hope for somebody somewhere to keep searching. What death brings is uncertain, what life contains is, and personally, I think the solution is worth searching for until the day you die involuntarily.

 

[brimz]

I think it is bordering on criminal that they took you off everything like they did. Is there absolutely no recourse? It would seem that a psychiatrist that understood harm reduction would be of help but are you completely locked out of the system now or can you keep looking?

I must clarify that the time when i was forcibly taken off all my meds was about 6 years ago .

I'm back on them now what i was trying to say to the poster that was worried about being dropped was "try not to worry to much as their are other Doctors avenues etc"

 

[severely etarded]

What do I have to live for? Absolutely nothing...

 

[n3ophy7e]

se When I saw you'd posted in this thread I was hoping it would be good news
I'm sorry to hear you're in a dark place right now, what's going on in your life that is making you feel this way? You have a LOT to live for, but your depression is not letting you see that. You will get through this dark patch though, just like you have before. Take care man, and please PM me if you wanna chat okay?

 

[Sue-Sue]

So, I did come clean with my therapist, told her everything 6 weeks ago. I am so tired of fighting and in chronic pain, and if this pain isnt bad enough, i have recently been diagnosed with hemicrania continua migraine. I have to go to another therapist for meds., and my appt is not until may31! Really?!? Saw therapist yesterday and she is acting like she is angry with me. I felt I owed her the truth, she has had my back for some time, but to feel like she doesn't care, really bothers me. I just want to fall asleep and not wake up...disappear. I am really all alone, I feel like no one would miss me anyway. I can't even tell my closest friends, as they would flip out. That's it, not much else. I am really trying to find happiness, I just can't. I miss my mom, she passed away a year ago this past Saturday. No one remembered, no one cared. My dad, he has decided sitting on the couch is all he wants to do. I can't help but feel if he is not settled, or taking care of himself, that the rest of us kids can't either. He is 80, mom was the love of his life. That's it for now, really tired and high pain.

 

[herbavore]

Hey, Sue-Sue, it is really tough to be in a bad place yourself and have the grief of your mother's death still fresh in your mind plus be dealing with your elderly Dad's depression; then you have chronic pain on top of that? No wonder you are feeling so bleak. No doubt your Dad is still grieving, too, so his behavior is understandable. Are there senior services that you could hook him up with to lift some of the burden off of you?

Did you ever do any grief counseling for your mom? We have a grief and bereavement thread here where you can post feelings specific to grief, talk about your mom and what she meant to you, etc. (Also there are blogs which are a great place to write out feelings like this if you think that is something that might help.)

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Thanks for sharing your story brimz.

 

[severely etarded]

se When I saw you'd posted in this thread I was hoping it would be good news
I'm sorry to hear you're in a dark place right now, what's going on in your life that is making you feel this way? You have a LOT to live for, but your depression is not letting you see that. You will get through this dark patch though, just like you have before. Take care man, and please PM me if you wanna chat okay?

Thanks for the support n3o I'd love to talk to someone about my problems but I have a hard time opening up about them. Tried counselors but they can't seem to get passed the wall I block my feelings with either. I just wish I had something to look forward to so hopeless but I keep on aimlessly searching for the solution to all of my problems and then wonder if suicide's the answer, even though I know it's really not.

I hope one day ill have something to look forward to

Everyday I think about grabbing my pistol and driving out somewhere to blow my brains out. I feel like my life is never going to go anywhere or have any kind of fulfillment. I feel like a loser...failure. I don't want to hurt my family but I feel like I just bring them down

 

[Vaya]

I hope one day ill have something to look forward to

Remember to take care of yourself each and every day. I know this sounds like such a simple, common-sense suggestion, but in the throes of troublesome emotion our capacity for self-care diminishes greatly. Sometimes, to the extent that after a week of not caring for ourselves, we look into the mirror and are startled at what we see. If we've neglected to shave, shower, get adequate rest, exercise, socialize and eat well, it will show.

I've been there, in fact I was there last week - staring into the vacancies that are my eyes, haggard and unshaven with bags under my eyes and the taste of last night's meager meal still on my tongue since I hadn't brushed before going to bed too late. It doesnt have to be this drastic, I am only sharing my experience. But it was enough to remind me that I needed to snap to attention, clean myself up and reassess my outlook on the world.

I was a mess last week, but am doing a little better this week. I took care of all that little stuff, and it helped ease a lot of self-loathing feelings I just couldn't seem to chase away via any other route.

Take care of yourself daily and you will be more able to notice the beautiful things around you that you can look forward to. If you are anything at all like me, this fact will become self-evident in a matter of days

Hang in there; accept credit where credit is due, especially for persisting through the experiences of hopelessness and worthlessness. I know of few other states of mind that are more difficult to maintain one's health adequately under.



~ vaya

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Everyday I think about grabbing my pistol and driving out somewhere to blow my brains out. I feel like my life is never going to go anywhere or have any kind of fulfillment. I feel like a loser...failure. I don't want to hurt my family but I feel like I just bring them down

You can always PM me man.

One day one of my really close friends (also a Bluelighter like you and me) called me and sounded upset, so I talked to him and imparted some of my patented Captain brand wisdom, and before I knew it, the next day he sounded much happier. :D

I know for people like you and me, we can go through a lot of ups and downs in life, and sometimes it seems that every day for a month, a year, for years, could be nothing but downs. And I don't expect a single PM from me to you to get you to smile or even feel 100% better but sometimes 1% is enough.

But you yourself ... can create "up's" in life so that things start getting better before they get much worse. %)

Human beings (including YOU severely etarded ) are that powerful to create good things in your own life. You may not know it yet, but you are! I am too, and I didn't think I was, especially after I broke both bones in my right arm. After enough time passed, I'm still just as creative now as I was when I was a young child.

RE: Family...

I live exactly 2,643 (two thousand, six hundred, forty three) miles (or another way to think of it, 1 day and 18 hours) away from my parents. I calculated this with google.maps.com driving directions. If I had a jet I could calculate a straight line. Well, I don't even have a car anymore... but I doubt I could walk in a straight line across private property. You get what I'm saying. Taking a different route (which would go through different states, and only add on 2 additional hours of driving) would add on an additional 40 to 60 miles.

I feel like I had to move that far away to get to know them any better than I did when I was a child.

My parents lives are ones I would not wish for. That's all I can say about their lives. I know they are happy on the inside, and I'm glad my parents have each other, but that's all they have. They have a nice house, one of my parents works for a living to support the family, and they enjoy where they live. However I couldn't live their lives, it'd be a burden upon my soul. I realize this. If we are human souls, and we are living many lives in a consecutive fashion, I would wish to be reborn as a new person in the future, not to go backwards in time, especially not to the days my parents lived. That would be my prayers to god in a post right there for a future life, if I am allowed one. LOL.

If my parents one day read this post, I hope they'd read a lot more of my posts to get a better understanding of me, and then possibly see why I say all of this. I do love them as people, they weren't HORRIBLE to me growing up, but they were psychologically manipulative people. I wouldn't give birth to a child just to torment them in a way my parents did. Just saying.

I know you severely etarded face unique difficulties with your own life, and your own family... so PM me about it, if you want to. I'm all ears.

 

[mrflowers00]

i've convinced my doctor to not take me off my xanax and oxycodone so i'm actually pretty happy at this moment in time just know everyone it gets better it just takes time

 

[trll]

dont know how to carry on...

Just want to got to sleep and not wake up.... cant even find any love for my kids right now..