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The Suicide support thread

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I've been through about 5 suicide attempts and am left with the scars on my wrist and the memories of resuscitation wards after 2 deliberate heroin overdoses. I guess I was meant to live and am using my 6th chance to turn my life around.

Hold strong guys.
 
Doppleganger: I've been on Celexa before for a few months for S.A.D. I found it was effective and fairly tolerable, with my biggest adverse reactions being anorexia, blurry vision from mydrasis and prolonged time required for orgasm.(So, for rangrz, nothing he doesn't already have from doing speed) One of my besties takes it for Unipolar depression and it helps her tonnes.

I'm posting here, cause will, I am sad. I spent the bulk my shift on a windy rooftop talking someone out of taking a 17 story fall. Its so draining and such dark sombre thing to do. At the end, no jumping happened! Which is of course is great. Young university student. I felt so alien trying to talk to her (I was in all my kit, picture the sterotypical SWAT officer) trying to talk to sad girl wearing slip... The contrast threw me off, but I was able to talk just like a human to human, ignoring the gear strapped to me, the biting wind, all of it. She took my hand and I pulled her back away from the edge. Then, my part is over, down to fill out some papers, clear my screen in my cruiser and drive off. That is what is bothering me. I dunno what I am even complaining about...nothing bad, per say, happened to me, yet I still feel very saddened...perhaps that such situations have to exist at all.
 
rangrz, you did an amazing thing today. You saved someone's life <3

It is horribly sad that such situations exist, I agree.. I wish no-one ever felt that way. Unfortunately we can't make that happen.. but we can help one person at a time. You saved someone's whole world today and you saved her loved ones immesurable pain. Sadness is a natural response to such an extreme and incredibly upsetting situation, but I hope you will also be able to feel proud and happy about the outcome :)
 
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Tripman said:
I've been through about 5 suicide attempts and am left with the scars on my wrist and the memories of resuscitation wards after 2 deliberate heroin overdoses. I guess I was meant to live and am using my 6th chance to turn my life around.

Hold strong guys.
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That's no good shit man. I hope yur feeling much better nowadays!
 
I think people really forget about the effect suicide and self harm has on responders. We see it daily, have to seem impartial, want to scream inside but can't and there is no one to talk to; you are expected to simply say you are clear of call and available for the next like a machine.

But that cop who grabs you from the ledge, he thinks about it at home. That EMT who kept you alive til the E.R. she'll remember while taking a shower. I dunno what I'm on about, it just well, it took 5 hours and made me so sombre and grey.
 
Well, here I am, back here again within the space of a couple of nights. A few months ago I thought I was getting better (depression/suicide thoughts were no where near as strong and some days even pretty much gone!)

Anyway I guess I'll have a little ramble on about my night tonight. Despite my screwed up sleeping patterns at the moment, I've been keeping myself busy last night and tonight making a website for my father's company. I usually do things like this at night whilst enjoying a drink or 8 of beer/scotch/red wine, etc. Well tonight I knew I was going to run out of alcohol (I had 4 small glasses of red wine left), and I know this is partly a trigger of my feelings right now. I already owe my dad money for this week as I think I stated in a previous post, so I wasn't going to ask him for any tonight. But what do I do until Friday?

I know I drink too much, I drink every night, but not usually enough to give myself a hangover the next day. But being a very anxious person waiting on my next valium prescription and someone who usually uses codeine and doesn't have any, and someone with no job, a girlfriend I see about once a week, It all just feels like a never ending cycle of shit.

I'm not actually "wanting to kill myself" or "planning to kill myself" like in the past, but really don't care if I don't wake up. I've spent the night (while doing not enough web design) searching the house for anything to get drunk/high off, including some of dad's old collected alcohol in his bar. He knows I have done this before, but I just dunno what to do. Plus sleep doesn't seem to be on the cards yet since I found 4 Phentermine tabs earlier, and it is 2.20am. I hate myself and everything I do
 
Do not hate your self! So what if you are a drug addict.... it sounds like you are, but it's not something to hate. Something hate is something like stoning a girl for being raped. That deserves hate.

You sound like a young man who is smart, having a hard time in the job world [like a lot of people are] are who has a drug addiction... Man, being an addict aint no biggie. I mean it is not good for you, but it does make you bad. Its just something maybe you need to see a doctor about to get help with ending it like, like any other disease...no different then pneumonia. Do you hate that man coughing and taking Clarithromycin? Then why hate you? Else, you can learn to live with it, if that is your choice.

I think you need to see your GF more often. Everyone deserves affection, including her and you. Go see her, talk to her, hold her, love her. It is more of rush than any drug is. You will be happier and feel more a part of the world.

Not caring about death? I'm soldier(M.P.) by profession, and have at times felt like that too. Different setting, different thing that perhaps kills me, but same feeling. Its a valid emotional response to a bleak situation. But I implore you, you have reason to live! In death, you won't get that warm glow from your codeine. You won't feel the love from your Dad when he sees the awesome website you made him. You wont feel the soft touch of your GF's hand along your ribs. You get sweet fuck all. I've seen enough death for this entire message board, and trust me, you get nothing except to be a slab of meat and bone in pool of blood in the street, and few pages in an Officers note book.

You are better than that. Hell, if you where local to me, I'd ask you to join me for a game of pool, cause you sound like a cool guy.

Rangrz is on thousand downers now, I'm drowsy. I can't get the idea of that anonymous young girl falling to the pavement out of my head. I stopped it, but the concept makes me want to cry and vomit. Why am I so weak over this? Fuck, I've shot my enemy, bagged my buddies bodies and not cried. But this thought and mental image is hurting me so much. I will numb it more, its contest of numbing it down without numbing down my breathing too much....
 
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I've had 3 suicide attempts in my life, the last one I barely made it, in 2009. I was making myself super-strong long island iced teas for myself every night and grew into a deep depression. I took about 60 400mg seroquel tablets, and threw up and inhaled it into my lungs as I was unconscious. But I'm doing well now, thanks to all my controlled substances lmao. I have a prescription for all my drugs now though hehe, well for the marijuana it's technically only a doctor's recommendation.

Anyway, don't have much planned for Thanksgiving, probably going to go to outback steakhouse the night before, and go see breaking dawn part 1 on Thanksgiving Day.

If anyone is feeling blue and wants to talk feel free to PM me =)
 
Tripman said:
I guess I was meant to live and am using my 6th chance to turn my life around.
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Yes, you are definitely meant to still be here, and I'm glad you are <3


rangrz said:
I'm posting here, cause will, I am sad. I spent the bulk my shift on a windy rooftop talking someone out of taking a 17 story fall. Its so draining and such dark sombre thing to do. At the end, no jumping happened! Which is of course is great. Young university student. I felt so alien trying to talk to her (I was in all my kit, picture the sterotypical SWAT officer) trying to talk to sad girl wearing slip... The contrast threw me off, but I was able to talk just like a human to human, ignoring the gear strapped to me, the biting wind, all of it. She took my hand and I pulled her back away from the edge. Then, my part is over, down to fill out some papers, clear my screen in my cruiser and drive off. That is what is bothering me. I dunno what I am even complaining about...nothing bad, per say, happened to me, yet I still feel very saddened...perhaps that such situations have to exist at all.
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rangrz, that was an amazing thing you did (even though I know it's your job to do that kinda stuff). I am so proud of you man <3

rangrz said:
I can't get the idea of that anonymous young girl falling to the pavement out of my head. I stopped it, but the concept makes me want to cry and vomit. Why am I so weak over this? Fuck, I've shot my enemy, bagged my buddies bodies and not cried. But this thought and mental image is hurting me so much. I will numb it more, its contest of numbing it down without numbing down my breathing too much....
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rangrz, your emotional reaction to this does NOT indicate any weakness. It just means you're HUMAN. Killing people in a battle scenario, seeing violence in a different context, that is entirely different to what you experienced today. I think what you're going through now is a really normal response to what you went through with that girl. Please don't be hard on yourself about the way you're feeling, because that is only going to make it harder to get over.
And of course, remember what you ACHIEVED, don't dwell on what could have happened. You saved her man, she's okay, remember that <3


Paulymorphone said:
I've had 3 suicide attempts in my life, the last one I barely made it, in 2009. I was making myself super-strong long island iced teas for myself every night and grew into a deep depression. I took about 60 400mg seroquel tablets, and threw up and inhaled it into my lungs as I was unconscious. But I'm doing well now, thanks to all my controlled substances lmao. I have a prescription for all my drugs now though hehe, well for the marijuana it's technically only a doctor's recommendation.
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Pauly I am really glad you made it through that last attempt. It just proves that it wasn't your time to die back then, and I'm glad you're still here with us :) <3
 
rangrz said:
Do not hate your self! So what if you are a drug addict.... it sounds like you are, but it's not something to hate. Something hate is something like stoning a girl for being raped. That deserves hate.
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Hey man, thanks heaps for your reply. I'm not sure if I've ever heard anyone talk so much actual sense lol, in your whole post. But yeah, on the above also, this is so true. I may not be as "bad" as I used to be, but yerp i'm and addict and have known that for about 8 years now, since I was 18. It is so great that things like depression/anxiety are viewed differently nowadays to the past. I think peoples thoughts on drug use, abuse, addiction, etc have changed too, but theres still a lot of people who don't view it as an illness, or just different to the next person (I think), and yeah, spose I feel like "scum to society" sometimes, But you are dead right with all you said !
 
^ really glad you are feeling better - rangrz post was indeed spot on :) <3
 
^
^It does not help everyone, but one of the things that helps me best when I am feeling depressed is to go and work out until I can hardly stand up any more. The sheer exhaustion alone makes it so I do not have the energy to be sad. But no matter what, hang in there dude, P.M. if you wanna talk to someone.

As for me, I am feeling better today. I went and visited the subject of my previous posts in the hospital, like I promised her I would. [Psych hospitals are truly demeaning IMO...Murderers in the Pen get more human dignity sadly] and took some books for her, and spoke to her to her attending about community based treatment instead. So Rangrz is feeling better and still trying his best to help this person.

I'd like to say thank you to n30 and effie for your kind words. They mean more than you can imagine <3<3 You are both amazing, caring and smart people.
 
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^ Thank you so much! <3 I am really glad it helped.. and so glad you went to see her, that is amazing, and am so glad you are feeling better :)

mrflowers, I am sorry you are still feeling so bad :( Have you tried a few different types of therapy? Rangrz is right - depression is so completely exhausting and makes it impossible to conceive of ever feeling better, and definitely impossible to imagine ever having the energy to get to where you want to be.. small steps I think - doing anything that makes you feel at all better. Exercise, relaxing, time with friends, doing a hobby, a bath, watching a film (not all at once haha..) really helps me - small steps at first, but building up as you start to get more motivation and energy. Don't give up - depression can feel soul-destroying, but there is always hope and everything passes eventually <3
 
Suicide

I think of suicide every single day. No exageration. I think of how I will carry it out, who will find me, whether or not I want to be found, who would be most harmed if I did carry it out etc...

Heres where I stand:

My plan is to go on vacation somewhere, preferably tropical, so my last moments on earth are pleasant.
Enjoy myself for a week or 2 without thinking about expenses (im gonna die anyway, might as well live like a king for my last hours on earth)
Then I'd get "lost" so that people who love me think I just went missing. (this sounds terrible I know)
While lost I would take a lethal dose of methadone + benzo's and hopefully get eaten by jungle animals or insects or what have you.
That way people would think I'm just missing, or had a terrible accident while hiking in the jungle.


The thing is I know suicide affects more than just me. It affects everyone who knew or knows me. To be honest the thing keeping me from acting on these suicidal thoughts is my friends and family. Suicide is an extremely selfish act, and I dont want to hurt those that care about me. They dont deserve that kind of hurt/anger. Noone deserves that. I love my friends and family and would never want to hurt them.

My question is WHY do I have these thoughts and plans? The thoughts usually start when I get really overwhelmed/frustrated by reality, when I get disgusted by humanity and what people are capable of doing to other human beings. Or when I come to the conclusion that theres nothing I can do to acheive my dreams and goals. It is really troubling. I dont really know why I am posting this, I guess just to bounce it off some other people for their opinions.

Anyway, TIA for reading.
 
I think the answer to the "why" in your question lies in the word "overwhelmed" that you used when describing your feelings. Sometimes the thoughts themselves are just a very necessary relief-valve. The danger lies in indulging them to the point that you cannot see other forms of relief. I use a fantasy of running away in the same way and it is okay until I feel it becoming the only thing I can think of--then I have to figure out how to reel myself in.:\ Not always easy and frequently unsuccessful, but I'm getting better at riding it out.

For those of us born with a thin skin to the pain we see all around us as well as what we have internalized, it is a monumental feat not to get overwhelmed. I think it is a great strategy on your part to keep posting here. Connecting with other human beings about these kind of feelings IRL is usually so scary to the people we are confiding in that we self-censor because of unconsciously wanting to protect them. BL offers a place to lay it all out on the line, as many times and in as many ways as you need! And the bonus is you are usually talking to people who have felt or are feeling just like you so there is less explaining to do.

Thank you so much for posting. Your honesty and vulnerability is helping others. I hope that you can regain hope in your future. I am one of the oldest (in age, not in BLing ) people on BL and I can say, with the experience to back it up, it is never too late to step into the life you want. Then, if you find that wasn't it either, just turn and take another step in a different direction. PM me anytime.
 
I agree with herbavore, drscience. Of course, objectively we know suicide hurts people around us (the death of a loved one is very hard to deal with) and some people call it selfish - yet still people commit suicide, Why? Because sometimes the pain we feel exceeds our capacity to deal with it. When that happens, we feel suicidal. It's not a weakness or us being malicious or careless of people's feelings. It is a simple consequence of how much we are hurting and how able we are to handle it.

One thing you could do perhaps is make a plan for how to handle the suicidal feelings. The fact that you have thought about it to the extent of planning it worries me (although you having loved ones you don't want to hurt reassures me) so I think it would help you if you had a strategy you followed when the suicidal thoughts get too bad - phone a friend, go to the ER, ring a support line, talk to us on here - whatever works for you :) (often getting someone there in person is the best plan I have found)

Oh, and listen to herbavore :D

Much <3 and keep talking to us..
 
DR.S You feel this way because you are close to exceeding your coping mechanisms .

But you have not done so yet. Think of the reasons to live. Call a mate yp, have him/her come over and play video games, shoot rangrz a PM and tell him what a greasy worthless guido fuck he is and how he should move to jersey.

anything that makes you feel better mate. But please do hang in there a while longer.
 
Thanks for the caring thoughtful replies guys. It makes a world of difference knowing there really are good people out there who care.

You are all very insightful and I believe I am going to handle these thought better now knowing that I have supportive friends here to talk to.

Thanks again and much love <3

This is why I love Bluelight, so much support and unadulterated kindness.
 
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