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The Suicide support thread

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I just dont even know what to do with myself anymore. This has been the worst year of my life. Since leaving college & working abroard in 2008 my life has just been an endless cycle of rubbish, being unemployed, then working meaningless dead end jobs then being unemployed again. Falling deeper & deeper into the abuse of pharmaceutical drugs, going though morphine withdrawal & smashing my own finger with a rock just because i knew they'd give me codeine at the hospital.

That was february, then in april i went on a two day bender sniffing & eating about 3 boxes of zolpidem & winding up arrested for smashing a shop window & stealing a bunch of pens at 3am. Something i'd never ever do sober. I didnt even have a criminal record til this year, now i'm going to be doing community service.

My Dad is a successful businessman who lives in another country. A few months ago i told him about this course in human nutrition i wanted to take online so he sends me £170 to get on the course. I had every intention of doing it but come september my laptop broken, i got cold feet about the idea, & lets face it 3 years of studying online is no way to get along.

So i told my old man & now he doesn't write or call anymore. I know i must be a terrrible dissapointment to my father & now my mother too after being arrested.

What is the fucking point? Today i went along to an acoustic jam i was invited to at a cafe. I saw an old friend of mine, a good friend i've known years. He asked me what i'd been up to. Nothing really. "found a job yet?" No. "Got a girlfriend?" No. I just felt like i was such a let down to him compared to myself when i wass younger. A teenager. He asked me if i felt like killing myself & i told him the truth. I would if it wasn't so fucking out of order on my mum & sister. I left.

I couldn't stand sitting there with these muscially talented people when i know nothing. No instrument, nothing. The worst part of being this depressed is how stupid it makes me feel. I want to go to university but i dont even know what i want to do anymore. I have no idea what i want to do or how to get it. Suicide is on my mind more & more & more these days.

I wish i had a girl to brighten my life but i just cant make it happen. What do i have to offer? No job, no car no money no talent. What do i have to offer the world? It sounds trite but i swear the world would be better off without me. I just cant find my way.
 
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doppelganga I'm really sorry that you've had such a rough year. I know it feels like you can't take much more of this, but please believe that things can and will get better. You've still got so much time left to turn things around, please don't give up <3
I know what it's like to be depressed and to not be able to fathom or envisage anything changing for the better, but it's just the cloud of depression making you think that the world would be better off without you. It is just not true mate. You have a LOT to offer the world, you've just had a rough year.
Have you ever spoken to a counsellor about feeling depressed? I really think it could help you to speak to someone about how you're feeling. You CAN work through this mate, please hang in there <3
 
DG: Sounds like you've been challenged with some pretty adverse situations. Sounds also like you've faced them stoically and handled them despite the burden.
that kind of implies you are a strong person, and damn it, strong people are of value to the world! Therefore, you are of value to the world.

Being depressed taints your view of the world. Its really not so grey and sombre. Maybe go see a councillor or talk to your Dr.
Musically talented people? So what? They can memorize the proper divisors of certain frequencies and how to produce them by plucking a wire?
I'm sure you have talents just as if not more complex.

By the way, on a light note... the idea of breaking in and stealing pens at 3am is pretty lulzy. I'd chalk it up as experience and a mistake, and laugh over it in retrospect as a story to tell... you sound like a pretty cool dude, at least by rangrz's standards, so stick around!
 
Thank you n3ophy7e & rangrz i really appreciate your kind words. I really need somebody to talk to about these feelings, i wouldn't want to concern my family with them & i doubt my friends would take me seriously.

I wish i knew what to do about all this. I sometimes have a time of quiet reflection to get some clarity & i always reach the same conclusions - that i need to get my life moving again. Get my drivers licence. Find a full time job. Find a girl who i share a connection with. Continue with education. Then there's drugs. Benzos, opiates, marijuana. None of these drugs were problematic back when i had things like a job, a girl, went to college etc. As time has passed i rarely smoke & now i use opiates on aweekly basis.

Trouble is finding a ful time job to get the ball rolling is soo fucking difficult. So i'm just aways in a rut.

I even feel less & less like going out because when i do i'm more quiet than i used to be, i feel short of words which is out of character for me. I get the feeling like people wonder whats happened to me. People often ask if i'm alright & i usually say yes because if i told the truth i wouldnt know where to begin.

rangrz I agree it's a little funny in an insane way that i broke into a shop & stole pens, it was sooo stupid & i never would have done it if i hadnt lost my mind on ambien/zolpidem. Trouble is having a criminl record now is going to make finding a job even harder as if it wasnt an absolute nightmare already, hence giving me a daily reminder of why i hate myself.


Part of me wonders how much my benzo use has to do with my growing thoughts of suicide. I've been on a taper for about 7 months now & am almost off them. As for opiates, i only really do codeine, i've tried others but codeine is the only one i've ever had a problem with. It's like the only way i can get some relief & actually feel like my old self for a few hours.

I took a detox from codeine from thursday up until i broke it today. It felt good but when it wore off i felt really low. I figured that maybe if i did a withdrawal i might feel a little better as i dont believe in using recreational drugs when i feel depressed which is why i havn't touched alcohol now in weeks. Thing is detoxing from all drugs for 4 days really didnt help, i felt a little sharper in the mornings but still had that feeling like somebody took a bite out of my heart & threw me off a train naked in a rainstorm.
I'm also self medicating with amitrityline to help me sleep at night & just anything like that or even coffee helps to give my mind a lift.

Anyway thanks again to those who said positive things. Like i said i just wish i knew how get my life moving again. I guess i feel a little better today but i can totally see myself back in a deep dark place like yesterday again.

p.s After seeing the responses i got i fully intend to support others on here.

p.p.s Sorry for the long post but if anybody has any tips on how i can boost my self esteem & if you read my above post (#122) what i could do about my father, what i could say to him in an email etc.

Okay, i do so hope everybody is doing alright, it's great to know there are some decent grown up down to earth people on here. Thank you.
 
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You say you do not how to get your life moving again, but wish to get your drivers license. That sounds like a good start! Go get it! Its a good first step, will help your self image, and will make it easier to land a job cause a lot of jobs want a person with a drivers licence.
 
Thanks man, yeah that definitely is a high priority.

On another note, does anybody know how somethingswrong is doing? The guy/girl from pakistan a couple of pages back who got kicked out of university? I have to say i'm rather concerned for their well being.
 
^^ I've just sent them a PM, I will let you know if/when I hear back from them.

Also, it sounds like you're feeling a little better DG, that is good news <3 Please PM me any time if you would like to chat, it really does help to talk about your feelings. I also agree with rangrz that getting your license would be a fantastic step in the right direction! When can you get started on that? I'm not sure how the drivers license system works in the UK, do you have to have a provisional license and accrue some practice hours first?
 
If you need help studying for your DL on theory, shoot me a P.M. I've been driving forever, have police pursuit driving and time on the track, and I'd be glad to go over any portions you find odd/tricky via messenger or E-mail.
 
mrflowers, I'm really sorry things are still tough for you. Remind me of your situation - what help are you getting at the moment? It's really good that you are still talking to us here about how you are feeling <3
 
First off, I hate coming onto BL just to tell everyone else about negative crap... But lately (and right now) i'm beginning to have suicidal thoughts. These thoughts haven't been as strong as about a year ago being put onto meds, but I am becoming quite concerned that these thoughts are escalating stronger again.

I have been clean from drugs for a period of 2 months, but lately needed to be prescribed a small dose of diazepam again for my anxiety and have also acquired more lately, which is now all gone (I have taken 30mg diazepam tonight), and about 280mg over the past 6 days before tonight. I know a lot of people will say that this is a stupidly high amount to take, which I agree, but I spent about 4-5 years taking 80-150mg valium every day/night along with alot of other things, which I do not do anymore, accept for alcohol and codeine.

Anyway I just felt like posting on here with everyone else with your troubles, my heart goes out to you all <3

The last probably 4 nights i've gone thru 2 bottles of bourbon (which I am getting drunk on again now, along with the small amount of 30mg valium and 60mg codeine) Basically I just want to pass out like I successfully last night, since my dad found me this morning and I had been vomiting and couldn't remember a thing. But I just really don't want to wake up.

I almost started cutting before, but even that to me is just useless since I live with scars from cuts and ciggie burns on my left wrist/arm from about a year ago.

Once again I'm sorry to blabber on but I just wish I had the right quantity and cocktail of meds to do it successfully, since that would likely be my choice of doing so.
 
^ Plus I suppose one of my main reasons for feeling this way is financial. I went a few months without gambling which was amazing for someone like me, and now over the past 3 days/nights (memory is sketchy) I blew around $200-$300, and was going to put fuel in my car, but never did so I basically can't drive for a week, I owe my dad money, because he helps me out.

I quit my job just over 2 years ago due to my mental illnesses and have no idea what to do. Just so sick of being broke and suffering severe anxiety that never goes away :(
 
fivelinefury, I'm sorry you're feeling so low <3 but thank you for talking to us here!

What treatment options have you explored for your anxiety? My boyfriend used to have severe anxiety until he finished his 3rd course of CBT with a practitioner he really got along with, and it finally clicked for him and pretty much got rid of it. Different treatments - and different therapists - suit different people. It's definitely not worth giving up and thinking you will be this way for ever - there is light at the end of the tunnel and things definitely can improve for you! Same with your finances - I know things seem bad right now but in time things change and you don't know what opportunities lie ahead. Suicide is so final - it removes all hope that things will get better. While you are alive, there is always hope..

If you can't find a reason to live for yourself, are there people who care about you? I guarantee they will not be happier if you are dead - quite the opposite, suicide is absolutely devastating and the death of someone you care about is the hardest thing to get through in life. You mention your dad - even if he's mad at you right now for the money, I promise he would be devastated by your death and would rather anything than you kill yourself.. is he someone you could talk to about how you are feeling? Or is there anyone else in your life who might understand?

Findally, please don't beat yourself up about slipping up with gambling. From what I can tell you are saying you have a gambling addiction - just like any addiction, it takes time and support to beat it and very few people escape without any slip-ups. I know it's hard but it really is worth picking yourself up and trying again - get as much support as you can too. Life is worth it <3

If you think you are at risk of hurting yourself right now, please phone someone or get some help - even if it involves going to the ER. I know how hard life can be, I really do, but bad times do pass and things will improve for you <3
 
Hello fivelinefury, what you said above sounds a quite similar to what i've been going through. The last three (3) years Finacial troubles, issues with your father (in my case him no longer speaking to me) self medicating with (yup me too) diazepam & codeine both prescribed but i often misuse them & obtain more illicitly.

Then there's these worrying thoughts of suicide invading my mind on a frighteningly regular basis. I dont really feel like i'm in a place where i can offer you advice, I just want you to know man you're not alone. We are not alone.

Today i decided what i never thought i would do. I went to the doctor about depression. I've been prescibed citalopram. However i'm actually really scared of taking it. I've been reading so many bad things about it. I dont want to feel even worse for weeks just so i might feel better. Then wind up stuck on this pill for 4 to 6 months.

Anybody here have experience with citalopram (celexa, lexapro) ?
 
effie. Thankyou very much for taking the time to reply in your post. I have tried a few sessions of CBT about 6 months ago, which I know wouldn't have been enough if it was going to help me (and I must admit that i'm a stubborn skeptic haha), but yeah I sorta stopped going also because I had doctors appointments, psychologist appointments, psychiatrist appointments, drug/alcohol counselling sessions (think thats it haha) and it was becoming a bit too much at the time.

I do consider and am the first to admit that I have gambling problems, although I can actually go 2 or 3 months without gambling anything, but then I may have periods where i'll be sitting in the same TAB/Pokies club 3 or 4 nights in a row. But everyone's addictions work differently in some ways I guess.

And I must admit that i'm very lucky with my dad, so much so that it's probably a bad thing. (Lending me money which i'll mainly buy alcohol/drugs or gamble with half it), but I know he just worries about me and not the money. So I am very lucky with my parents, because I have no doubt in my mind that if they couldn't put up with my shit anymore, I would definitely have been homeless years ago.

Thank you again, replies are of great help, and I hope your BF is doing all good with his anxiety <3
 
doppelganga196. Hey man, just remember your father loves you and always will. I got to a point one night where I took a swing at my dad and it could have got physical (all being my fault of course), and even though I know a lot of things which my father isn't happy with me at all, I know he still cares for me.

And thanks for reminding me that I am not alone !! That always helps me man, so you remember the same !!

And as a matter of fact, about the Citalopram, I was on a double dose of this SSRI (40mg I think). It did help me quite a bit in the beginning with sorta leveling me out, although after about 8 months of being on it, I got switched to 200mg Sertraline (which I am still on now). SSRI's are extremely annoying, in my opinion anyway, because it's basically just trial and error to see which works the best for your symptoms. If I remember correctly I think one side effect I was getting off the Citalopram after about 6 months was restlessness. But yup everyone responds differently to these meds.

Good luck man and thank you for your support. Looking forward to posting again.
 
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